SHADOWS OF THE PAST

I had tasted the kisses of the sun on my pale brown skin, I had bathed in the darkness of the night, sang and hummed to the rhythm of the moon and the patterns of the stars before. In fact, every day of my life I had, only this time it felt different. This time everything felt estranged, like I was leading astray in my own world following my own map, not that it was a new vicinity or new people inside my life, not that I did anything new to offset the usual, or add something new to complete the odd but those dreadful events up until now still look and feel like a Netflix movie scene.

I watched myself dig my own dark tunnel of terror, craving to touch anything that would burn my soul down to ashes, or crack my walls down to gravel, just any slight chance to harm myself so I could do away with the pain already because it felt like torture. In fact, it was torture; and here I thought, those good deeds paid back especially with a clean heart for the deeds, at least that's what I was told to believe. What I seemed to have forgotten was the famous quote "bad things happen to good people" which in this sense doesn't seem to cut across as helpful but still very vital.

Imagine having trouble getting up in the morning, having to pull yourself out of your own comfort zone, struggling to ensure that by the time it hit 8 O'clock you're up and running. Then imagine someone taking all your efforts, trashing them and making everything seem so meaningless. Like you get up to do a lot of zero work, like you get paid to just wake up and get to work to sit, kiss screen and look pretty. Why are some bosses so mean? Better yet, why is life so mean and unkind?

* * *

It was around six in the pm as I walked home from work, my mind was full and bogged up with unnecessary thoughts, and the pain I felt inside my chest caused a lump in my throat. I tried to have a conversation with myself but all that came out were sad tears. I could only ask myself why I got the unlucky card in life, why everything always insisted to go wrong for me even when I vividly tried to always make things right and always see the good in the bad. Well that day I wasn't having any of that goody two shoes talk on, hell I didn't even feel like I could go on. I just wanted to sit and ponder in my shame and guilt and feel sorry for myself for having such a life. I just wanted to put an end to all the ideas in my brain for once, I just wanted to be.

The more time ran, the more my chances ran too, almost like trying to catch a bus when you're already late per the schedule. The mediocre face I was putting on for the past few months was quickly fading away, everything I felt inside poured like hydrochloric acid on my stomach walls, and my heart was pounding hard like it was about to stop because there was nothing more left to do. I was slowly yet fast giving up on life, on me and everything I thought would be good for me and to me. I watched the light to my dreams flicker, the train of my beliefs come to a sudden stop, the flight to my forever crash abruptly and truly the end was fast approaching. I simply couldn't do it anymore, so my candle burnt out and everything suddenly went dark.

FLASHBACK

It was a freaky chilly Friday morning, the birds weren't as melodious as usual, and the sun wasn't out yet. My body begged me to add an extra ounce of sleep to the three hours I had slept last night in order to re-energize more but time couldn't allow me to heed to the needs of my body. I therefore catapulted out of bed and dashed into the frog's kingdom for a quick bath, still my body felt sore and worn out but since I loved my job even fatigue itself couldn't stop me. I rushed out of the house without having breakfast and quickly made my way to work which was a stone's throw away from where I lived. Another beautiful weekend to make money, or so I thought.

Things went escalating south when the boss came in making accusations of a missing sum of 70,000ksh(700$). Suddenly I was banned from touching the money and isolated from my daily work routine. It was happening again, only this time it was different because from the looks of things I was definitely taking the fall for this one. She gave me an hour to go through a month's audit, an audit she herself kept making mistakes on repeatedly but couldn't be told otherwise. Before I knew it her friends from the police unit came with their personal car and stuffed me in the boot, and just like that my job was over and my trials began.

She felt like Jesus walking on water, like Manchester United winning the EPL cup, like Maleficent conquering the earth, like the most powerful woman in all of the universe. In fact she smirked at the thought of me being in jail rotting with prisoners for a crime I didn't dare to commit and she knew it too but she enjoyed to see the painfully remorseful look on my face, and nothing could have stopped her. I mean what could? When she had all the money? All the connections? Her own seat at the high table of corrupt entrepreneurs? And what did I have? A zest for the work of my hands? An innocent face? An amazing charisma? An excellent work rapport with my customers? How was that supposed to save me from the hands of those corrupt police officers? From the shame plastered across my face as I walked in to the police cell? From the tainted image she spread contagiously like a bacterial infection? What exactly was supposed to make me feel better when everything I believed in was rendered null and void? How could I have not seen it coming? I mean I should have known, I should have seen, I should have done something before it was too late. Now look at me, beat, hopeless, distraught and locked up. Could it get any worse? Yes of course it could, in fact it did get a lot more worse.

* * *

Inside the cells!

It had been barely six hours since I was processed and brought in, I hadn't eaten anything and neither did I feel like I needed to. I couldn't stop my thoughts from flowing in and out of my brain, tapping and contemplating formulas to put an end to all of it, to all of me. I wanted to die, or anywhere I'd go with peace and only me in it. My sobs ran me out of breath, and my mouth got drier by the minute, I begged to close my eyes for a minute but the coldness of the floor made me restlessly uncomfortable. I lay myself coiled on the cold floor and my hands tucked inside the little warmth left of my body. Slowly I drifted to sleep, there was nothing there just a huge cloud of darkness and pity, hanging over my head curving a laughing stock out of me, pouting shame, disgust and failure. In the far distance, I could fathom some voices mocking me, laughing at me, reminiscing of how they first got arrested, saying I'd get used to it and I couldn't help feel like I'm a criminal. All of it felt so surreal, No wait!!That wasn't just voices in my head, it was them again, just another bunch of people making me feel useless and at that particular moment believe me they succeeded unanimously.

END OF FLASHBACK

* * *

Fragments of light penetrated my eyes and incessantly dilated my pupils, I felt dizzy and my vision was getting blurry. It felt like I was moving but still stagnant at the same time. Staring at the ceiling only made me feel more unconscious, while looking side to side made me feel nauseated at the sight of blood, injuries and injections. Suddenly I realized I was in a hospital, a sudden feeling of overwhelming emotions graced my body and I panicked. "Why I'm I here? What do you want with me? Let me go now!!" Trying to free myself, I threw punches directing them to the nurse but I missed terribly, I wanted to run to hide to escape all of this trauma, to be away from everyone that made me feel victimized, so I did what any damsel in distress would do....scream for help. "HEEEEEEEELP!!!HEEEELP ME!!!PLEASE!!!HE...L...P....M...E"

Darkness engulfed my whole body once again, my eyes flickered one two three times before shutting down, slowly I drifted again like before, leading back to the same vicinity, a dome, a black hole, a dark place, and only me, a haunted soul.

FLASHBACK

Inside the court chambers!!

"I know the accusations pulled against me, and I know that I look guilty but I'm not, if you could at least provide evidence showing where I took that money then maybe it would make sense. You have surveillance cameras but you won't check, you haven't asked for my statements like the last time and you only put me behind bars out of the three of us and you expect me to believe it's not personal?"

"Stop right there! You have the audacity to stand in our midst and tell us how we should conduct our work? You have the audacity to be disrespectful to your boss when clearly you should be apologizing for your mistakes? When she says her money is missing it's missing, are you saying that she's crazy? Are you calling your boss a mad woman? Take her out of here! Return her to the cell, we'll go to court and see if she'll have the skin to be arrogant then."

"Why are you doing this to me? Why are they doing this to me?"