Deep Inside

Have you ever felt like you were a failure? Everyone does once in their life time. For me it was a lot of times but mainly when I was in a car accident and broke my ankle.

With the car accident it happened in 2016. My fiance but now husband was driving with my daughter in the back seat and me beside him. It was a bright and shinny morning that April day. It was 8:45am on April 15, 2016 when a silver car was driving fast and my husband was driving an average speed. He was blinded at the stop sign by the car headed North when we were heading East. The ran into each other flipping the vehicles and the other driver was dead on scene. I had a laceration and a sprained ankle on my left leg. My daughter was 15 months old almost 16 months old and only suffered bruises luckily. My husband had a concussion and bruises. I remember my mom and grandma taking my daughter while my grandpa was yelling at them to get me out. They ended up using the jaws of life to get me out and life lined me to the hospital because we weren't sure I was pregnant. We were headed to find out. Turns out I was 10 weeks pregnant with my son. After surgery I had to learn to walk again it took me about 3 months to recover. The scare is a reminder of that day. To this day I cant handle intersections and cars coming close to me. I have PTSD and I absolutely hate it.

Fast Forward to February 2020

Lets start off with the beginning of the week. So it was the February 4th, 2020 my husband and I were driving in our town when our car decided it didnt want to work anymore dead center of the road at a stoplight. Luckily for us we were by the fire station and the nice men were able to help push our car to the side of the road until we were able to get on February 6th, 2020.

So now its the 6th and it was snowy, icy, & cold out. My husband was getting ready for work and I was outside waiting on the tow truck. When he got here, he needed my husband's signature so rushing inside to laminate floor with slip resistant shoes on. I stepped down and heard a pop. Down I went scaring my husband because he couldn't move. We called the ambulance and they couldn't get their stretcher in my door so they had to carry me outside in a sheet where they dropped me on my porch. After arriving at the ER (wrong ER) they informed me that I broke both sides of my ankle and that I probably would need surgery but gave me ortho numbers to call because they didnt have one. I called and got in that next week. The doctor said they splinted it wrong causing more damage. He resplinted it. Then the next day I was to have surgery bc of how it was broken. The swelling was too bad so I had to wait another week. Surgery day was finally here and after many attempts to get an iv they got a midline iv to work. I had surgery. While he was fixing my ankle he discovered that my big bone that broke in my ankle went from being split into 2 to being shattered into 10 pieces. I have pins and plate with a ton of staples in my ankle. Not allowed to put any weight on it. The doctor said he hasnt seen something this bad in his 20yrs. The nurses said they havent ever had a hard stick for iv in their 15yrs. I recieved a boot after 2 weeks post surgery. I had to wait until March 10th, 2020 to get my staples out. Now I have to wait until March 31st to get an X-ray to see how its healing and then findout when I can walk again.

Through both of these times I have felt like an absolute failure and a burden because I haven't been able to do much at all. The only differences with these injuries is I have 2 kids now and its a different leg. I'm totally over it and I hate feeling like I have failed my children because I can't do much with them until I am better.

They ask everyday, "Mommy, can we all play outside today? Are you better?"

Having to tell them no everyday is the worst feeling in the world. Especially when I see their sad little faces. My poor 3 and 5 year old don't deserve this but they have to deal with it because my husband works a lot and when its just me they are stuck inside. It literally makes my soul cry because I can't do that yet.