Chapter 21 Breaking Out of My Shell

Even though we had talked, I hadn't fully let it out and if I don't let it out now, it'll haunt me like it had haunted me for fifty years. Maybe I'd get some answers, just maybe she'd tell me or give me hints. Yes, your guess is correct I'm on my way to my mum's office also known as the meeting room. I knocked on the door.

"who is it?" she asked.

"it's me, Heaven." I said having second thoughts about the whole thing but I'd reached this far that I couldn't back down now.

"come in." She said. I filled myself with courage, strength and all the bad feelings I had felt all through and it burned through my body and I felt the way I did the day she called me to her office. I entered the room burning with countless emotions.

"is that you, Heaven what happened to your face?" she asked but it wasn't the question, it was the name, her pronunciation, I wasn't prepared for it so it hit me hard.

"I put make up on it to hide it's features." I said through gritted teeth.

"like humans and other Angels." She said as if it wasn't a surprise to her.

"why are you here, you've gotten ready so why haven't you left?" she added.

"that's the first thing you have to say, mum. Not even, take a seat or how are you, was the JINUA's decision in your favour, I guess I won't be seeing you at all.  But no, it had to be what's the delay? This is how we start like always in a bad way."

"and you never reasoned why it was always like that, no, you didn't."

"what? I did, I always did but I couldn't get any answers that way, mum, I couldn't. So, I ask you mum because I know you know, why has it always been like this, why?"

"I told you last time, Heaven." She said my name again and the feelings ran cold down my spine.

"STOP MUM!! I beg you just stop! Why do you always say my name like that, why? You say it as if it's a sort of reminder for you that I'm living... it so painful to hear that it climbs all over me all the time. I can see and feel right through your pronunciation that there's something off about it... or me. Why, please tell me." I pleaded her but I waited and waited because she gave no response. "if you don't give me the answers to my questions where am I suppose to get the answers from, where, from God? Someone, you don't allow me to see." I said but there was still no response. "OH! Come on! You should at least answer this question if you don't answer any other question."

"you'll get those answers one day because of the path you have chosen."

"when mum? From whom mum? Who else knows the answers to these questions if not you?"

"you'll get your answers from him. Answers to questions I don't even know about. He'll give you everything. What you desire and what you don't desire but it's certain that he'll give you your answers." She said her eyes distant. Who was she talking about? God? Who else?

"who mum? Who is this person you're talking about and how does he know the answers you won't give?" I asked trying to make sense of the impossible.

"I've told you he will give you answers, so ask no more questions because I won't answer."

"what? Why am I surprised? When you talk it's full of parables with no meanings so why I do even ask? You know mum, the only feeling you made me feel was the feeling of being a mistake." I said what came out of nowhere and I felt this feeling I couldn't comprehend. There was something in me that was stirring up like crazy and I just had to vomit it out. "I feel like a prisoner here, you give no room to breathe and that shouldn't be the case. No, it shouldn't. You choked me so hard that if I didn't remove your hands I could have died. I would have understood if you gave reasons but you never did and I'm fed up of everything. I just can't take anything anymore, mum. But it's obvious you don't care. I really thought you did but you never did. Why did I have to do everything you wanted me to do when it was my life, why couldn't I do what I wanted, why did I have to follow the part you laid for me, why did I only have the choices you liked and not the ones I liked? Why did I have to limit myself just because you didn't like it? It was the way I was created. Why did I have to be so scared to follow my heart desires and why should I feel like I'm the one ruining our bound if I do so, when in reality you've never cared. Tell me, mum! Who's this 'he' that's going to answer my endless questions? I mean you already built your image so why can't I? Why is everything wrong about me and right about you, is it because of the way I look but you're forgetting something I was created after you and you kinda look just like me. Since I'm never going to be good enough for you and you always look down on me, I'll leave my shell. The shell that once protected me. I'll leave it because it has been broken."

"what's the use of saying shit to my face if you can't do anything about it but leave?"

"I would have loved to rob you of my answer but it's something you must know. It is because you've filled me with all this 'shit' that the only way for my to get it out is to say it to your face. To let you know what you've done to me. Maybe that way if you have any sentiments left you'll feel guilty, so guilty it'll eat you up everyday like you made it eat me... You know mum, that shell was you."

"HEAVEN!!! YOU HAVE CROSSED THE LINE!! GET OUT AND DON'T EVER SHOW YOUR FACE HERE AGAIN!"

"NO, MUM! I still have a lot to say and when I'm true I'll leave."