Chapter 1 : Why me?

I had enough...!

Enough to the point that I can't take it anymore.

It went over and over again but I still held the hope of its change, but what I got in the end.

I thought it would all end one day. I hoped that one day I would be able to smile like others and experience the happiness that I had wished for.

But Nothing changed.

Why the hell has nothing changed?

Why the hell is it repeatedly the same?

And above all...

Why me?

What did I do to deserve this?

I never hurt anyone nor I made anyone suffer.

So, Why the hell it is me?

The pain, which I thought I was getting used to, was excruciating deep in my bones, but I still thought it would go away someday, but what is happening now? Why now, is it becoming difficult for me to breathe? The pain, the suffering, the misery, the anguish, It never ended all of the time; instead, it became severe, and in the midst of all of it. I expected you to at least take me out of this agony.

I'm not sure, why? but just seeing your face in the past made my pain go away.

You became a source of hope for me, which is why I thought you could help me get out of this mess. Your smile, your laugh, everything you do, sparks some sort of happiness in me, even though those laughs and smiles were never meant for me. But still, I wished that one day I would be able to experience those joys as well. The joy that happens in my fantasy. You smile at me too. Maybe one day you'll smile back at me too. But why is this so? Why? Why does that stay in my head? Why didn't I have a mental image of your smile at me?

Why did I feel this unfathomable happiness even with a single glance from you, even though your gaze was filled with contempt and hatred? I'm not sure why you hate me. What did I do to deserve your hate?

I had it to the point that I started to hate the world. But most of all, I despise stupid me... The naive version of myself. The me who believed everything. The me who silently endures all of the torments inflicted by you.

I just ask you. Why?

I wish the world to end.

I wish you rot in hell.

Just why?

Why I am subjected that way?

Why am I hurting that way? Lastly, why am I hallucinating that you are holding me? You can't be here right. This can't be true. You can't come for me. I was never your priority. Maybe in my last breath, I am imagining this all. But you know what... I don't like it any more. Your hold, your touch, everything. I don't like anything about you anymore. Why are you here? Why are you holding me tenderly ? Have I ever been precious to you ? So why are you cherishing me now?

I waited for you every second, which turned into minutes, and those minutes turned into hours, and without my realization, so many years just passed by, but you never changed. I asked you, why did you not change? Why were you so cold to me?

Perhaps because of you, I've become numb. Because there is no strength left in me to hope anymore. I stopped hoping long ago . So I don't get hurt anymore. So please stop touching me. Because I loathe your touch, but most of all, I despise my body, which you are now touching.

You shouldn't be concerned. There's no way. You are someone who enjoys tormenting me. So you can't be concerned. That has to be my hallucinations taking control of me. That's why I perceive you to be concerned about me. You weren't even able to say anything nice to me. I waited all these years for you just to smile at me, but all year I get hatred and torment from you.

You didn't even buzz with my tears. Why would you ? Didn't you enjoy the pain of me and my tears?

Why have you suddenly become sympathetic to my plight?

And what with the face? No way, you can't. You won't. I won't allow you.

You are not allowed to cry for me.

I won't let you show any affection for me right now. Because there was a time when I desperately wanted you to look at me. There was a time when I wished you would hold me. But you blew your chance.

I hate the hand that is brushing through my hair now. I hate the face which is full of concern and leaning towards me, full of tears. I hate the embrace who is cuddling me gently with a tight grip.

I don't want anything from you. There was a time when I wanted you to show these emotions. There was a time I wanted you to show me your loving side. There was a time when I wanted you to hold me gently. But you! You... You never gave me the slightest glance. I yearn for all but I got none from you. Why did you do that?

Why were you so cold toward me?

What was my fault for you to show that side of yours to me?

And now why?

Why are you acting differently from other times?

This side of yours, which I hoped to see for many years, never appeared in front of me.

So I dare you to do the things that should have been done by you in the past.

Just stop! Just stop all of this. I can't take it. Please leave me .

Don't do this. I am not that miserable anymore. I won't cry. I won't be hurt. I will not show anger. I won't be frustrated.

So I just beg you. Please! Please leave me alone.

I don't want you anymore.

I don't need you any more.

because I can't take it anymore.

Because right now, all I want is to curse you.

You don't deserve my love.

None of you.

You all are monsters. Monsters who masked as a human.

But you are not the one I hate most.

The vicious god is the one I despise the most. God makes a blind eye to all of your wrongs. The God who knows my suffering but still stays still.

The god who did nothing but remain a statue.

Why, I wonder?

I wish you had died! I wish you to rot in hell! and go through the same pain that I have gone through.

Because all I can do right now is curse you.

I don't have any power to do anything to you. Do I?

I don't even have the strength to make the words come out of my mouth.

I even tried to stop you with my voice because my hands are numb and I can't feel them at all, but all I could do was tremble my lips a little, which is difficult for me, and no voice came out of my mouth despite my best efforts.

I can't lift my hand to make you go.

So please stop.

Please!

At least let me die peacefully and don't change my mind in the end.

It took me my whole life to accumulate this hatred and finally I started hating you, so please I beg you, don't change my mind.

I want to hate you forever.

Because right now, even if you take your heart out of your body and put it in front of me, I still won't be moved, because I am totally numb now.

I don't feel any emotions now.

Can you guess who is to blame for this?

My eyes are getting heavy. Now I get it. I was wondering which part I would lose in the end. It looks like it is my eyes that I am going to lose at last.

Well, it doesn't matter now. All I want now is to sleep anyway.

All I've done in my life is run.

Running for love.

Running for affection

Running for work.

Running to save others.

Running away from my pain.

And this is how my life ends.

I wonder why?

Where did it go wrong?

Now I am losing my mind too. I think I don't even have the strength to think now.

Anyway, I wanted to sleep too.

So I think I will sleep.

I hope I will at least have a peaceful slumber.