astral

One of Saturn's smaller moons, Enceladus  reflects 90% of the sun's light.

***

It's all in my mind. Yet I want to believe it's true. I know it's a dream. Yet I want it to be reality.

"It'll Kill you" My mind tells me.

"Shut up" I counter.

That's the thing with humans, in order to survive we mix up real life from dreams. It kills us, we know it does. But we don't care, we would rather be destroyed than face a life without that human or thing.

She's here. Aster. My sun

She's standing in front of me. Her hair is an angelic halo that flows over the pure white dress she wears. She's beautiful. She's standing in the center of her room. A room that hasn't been opened in months. It's too painful. It'll always be painful.

Love came with pain. Love came with grief. Love came with life. But it was something that destroyed you and left you alone in the dark abyss of your mind

"Live for me"

"I love you with all the petals I have "

She's not real. My mind reminds. It's tone irritating the only sense of calm I can find. If it was possible I'll crush you. Leave me be. This is my sister. My aster. My sun. My life. She's everything

What am I without her?

Nothing

My mind is saving me from the future pain but I could care less. I'm human. I'm destructive. But I don't care. I won't care. Not when she's right in front of me. I would destroy myself for her.

Shut up. I counter. Shut up. Don't save me. Don't help me. I don't need it. I need her. Don't you understand?

"Aster" I breathe, but she doesn't hear me. I'm suddenly looking at another face. More masculine, handsome with a touch of darkness. With the touch of darkness. There's no paint on him but he looks like art himself. He is art.

Ajax.

My heart contrast and my head pounds, but I reach out again.Letting his hands barely touch mine.

Let me touch you. Are you real? Are you going to destroy me too or are you going to save me from my mind. Are you going to help me. I wouldn't want you to. Ajax! Ajax! Ajax! ajax!

It was like a song in repeat and I didn't care. It was the best kind of song.

He is my friend. Don't you see? He sees a friend in me. He doesn't hate me or find me weird. We are friends. I wanted to shout out. It doesn't matter what happens, as long as he is my friend, then I'll happily be destroyed.

I'm speaking and thinking gibberish, but it doesn't matter. I'll be dammed one way or the other.

But what if it's all a joke to him.

Did aster really love me.

I cursed myself.

I'm going mad. Not medically, but it's a battlefield of doubt and fear. It's warriors, clashing around in my head. Destroying any sense of sanity I have left. But it doesn't matter. I'm safe here. I'm safe from pain, grief, hatred, human emotions that stabs you in the back

Aster? Ajax?

Why?

Don't save me. I Don't want it.

Aster and Ajax appear infront of me, identical smiles etched in their faces. While aster looked like an angel, Ajax was the epitome of darkness with no light to him.

"Would you ever let me go?" Aster asked, her smile wide on her face that let out a soft glow

"Would you ever let me save you?" Ajax asked, his eyes hard but soft. An oxymoron of feeling.

"Would you let me help you, Daphne?" They ask then it's like a chant in my mind. I'm going crazy. Freak! Useless!

Would you?

Would you?

It's not just reality. It's pain

***

I'm slammed into my locker and I jolt in surprise, I was the only one here. For a second I thought it was Ajax, a smile beginning to form on my face, at least the only good thing from the look of my bloodshot eyes and pale face.

Would you?.

My smile died a little. Why would Ajax push me?

"You're still here. Wow" a voice drawled. Oh no

I choked on air and kept my head down, my fingers trembling against my will. Keep it together, simmers

"Oh look guys she's such a freak, can't even look up." Lacey McGill laughed. There was a time there. I realized. She's trying to impress. Of course. Use me as a scapegoat.

Why did I leave class?

There was surrounding laughter around and I was to scared to look around. Please leave me!

I wanted to beg, but no it'll only make it worse. A freak with no spine.

"Leave her girls, she's too stupid to bother now" breath tickled the back of my neck, her voice was soft as usual. Eva Larson. "I actually thought you'll kill yourself. Your sick like that, but I can't deny I'm pleased you're still here. I swear on everything Daphne simmers, I will ruin your life.-" she was going to say more, but she stopped. Her voice shaking for a minute before I felt my head make contact with the lockers. I instantly forgot the raw pain I heard from her.

I saw stars. Not the kind I wanted to see.

I waited minutes after they left, trying to get my head straight and under control.i will ruin your life. I thought about what she said and my heart fell. my throat closed up and I cursed myself internally for my weakness.

You're being weak. My mind said

I am weak. I protested weakly.

Would you?

I took a deep breath and held my head, trying to assess the damage. No blood. Not even a mark. Eva Larson was too smart for that. They were all smart.

It went pass the physical hurt but the emotional they had programmed into me. Their words hurt. it will always hurt.

Freak! Useless!

"What happened?"

All the air in my lungs disappeared. His voice was close yet far away. No! Don't come here. Dont ask questions. Just turn away and leave.

Yet I couldn't deny the rush of warmth that appeared with his voice.

"Daphne. Woah! What the hell?" His arms picked me up and the floor tilted over, his voice was low and measured. He was moving down but i wasn't bothered to know where.

I wanted to protest the minute he put me down. I felt the hard wood under me and realized he had carried me to my bench.

Would you?

I looked up at him, remembering the dream of him and heat coated my cheeks. I looked down immediately.

His voice was a whisper "daffodil, what happened, I just found you on the ground, in the middle of the hallway" he face palmed " I am supposed to fucking take you to the nurse. Damn it, what happened for real"

What was he doing out of class anyway and i said i didn't want his saving.

"I fell down, hit my head" the lie came too easily, for a second i was ashamed but i dismissed it.

"I need to take you to the nurse" he examined my head "we need to g-"

"No!" I panicked "no, i dont want to go there. I'm fine, really. just a little pain. I can handle it, it's really nothing. I don't even feel it anymore, see?" I shook my head ignoring the slight pound my brain was shaking too. "I'm not going, so..." I trailed off, forgetting my words when I saw him trace over my face,a flicker of worry against the hill of questions.

"It's for the best" I tell myself.

He was still staring at me, his eyes glazed over as if in though. It must have been minutes before he spoke

"Meet me outside at 3. We've got a project to handle"