Hidden piece {EXTRA} Happy New year extra.

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(A/N: This is one of Kaiser past memories)

PS :Extra chapter for new year...

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I don't remember my name (R*@#)

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I can't remember clearly.. who anf whats my name was. .

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But I know this piece of memory.. is..

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when I was just a freshman in college.

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I like someone, yeah.. I have a crush..

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The taste of liking someone is sweet..

.yet painful..

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In the break Kaiser met her in the back corner of the school building..

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He looks at her nervously and confessed his will to chase her..

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[I like you, can I chase you? ]

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The young girl who just bloom like flowers looking shy and biwelder..

the wind is soft with peach blossom petal in the air..

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Yes it was a Beautiful day on that day..yet this is the beginning..

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The beginning of Hell

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HELL FOR BOTH OF US..

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first.. I don't realize it.. yet I still around her..at that time I was ignorant..

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they say ignorant is SIN.. yes's I think so too..

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[ Hey, What happened did you injure you leg? ]

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The girl reply calmly

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[No, I fall...]

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I don't even imagine what she might gone through at that time..

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Whether she being shune by others..

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Whether she get beat up and cover the bruises in the long sleeve ..

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Whether she get poison in her food or being lock up in somewhere in school for one day..

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Whether she get dragged somewhere or be beat again and again..

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When at some point I discovered she get bullied when passing by.. I try to protect her.. yes.. I do.. but..

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[If you bothered her again I won't be mercy!!]

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It just my ignorance..

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The bullying just get more intense and worsen..

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I just spark more of the intense jealousy.. instead of protecting her I just drove her to more deeper abbys..

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[(I love you, I'm sorry)]

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[ Don't !!" I don't want you to love me just stay away from me because of you I live in hell !!]

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Yeah is hell... I ruined her.. life.. and she live like a prisoner of the sinner until the last breath . .. and that was her last word before she jumped on top off school building..

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And after she die did I know what kind of hedious things actually happened before she drove herself to jump of the building.. because she get gang r*pe .. someone pay those gang r*ped..

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But the most unbearable things is those people is free because they're is no evidence.. it's just rumors passing by.. and her body is unrecognizable to investigate ..

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And after funeral pass by...

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I realized how cruel the [Tomorrow] is for me...

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I hate tomorrow..

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I'm scared of tomorrow..

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I don't want to see tomorrow..

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seeing the sun is unbearable..

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People still the same..

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Peaceful even though someone dear to me died..

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and each day is getting worse and worse ..i began to have anxiety at night acomapny with insomnia.

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I feel anger, sad, depressed and it become a vicious circle everynight.

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Anger to myself for having 3 sin, Love,ignorance and jealousy.

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Love because loving you is my sin..

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Ignorance for everything..

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And brought the jealousy towards you..

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anger towards them yet depressed because I can't do anything even though I want to torture them to death and kill them miserably.

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yet I'm a coward.. I can't do it.. and this also my fault..

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Sad for losing you forever... I feel suffocating..

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I began to hate crowded place..

Whenever I'm in the crowd I feel how noisy this world is yet I feel alone , isolated, empty and in depth of endless of ocean drown in sadness..

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I feel of ugly jealousy...spouting inside of me whenever I see some stranger laughing and talking to they dear one...

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whether towards lover, family or friends.. whenever they laughing happily I feel bitter and jealous eaten my heart away.

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They happiness is torture for me, they smiling and have a happy face.. but I can't afford feeling neither..

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I can't feel happy nor smiling.. why.. why they smiling when I'm in great pain..i feel something dark in my corner of hearts... don't smile.. so brightly like is nothing.. watching those stranger pain me..

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and they're are more unbearable things for him..

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[Hey look is [R---@#]!]

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[wow so handsome.. ]

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[Amazing.. ]

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admiration gasp is everywhere but for him is nothing more like being monitored and cage..

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The sky is big and wide yet why I feel suffocating and being oppressed in this vast sky..

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Every move will be in someone gaze, every word he utter become someone talk for tomorrow .. everything is feels uncomfortable and suffocating.

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Felling being watch like some kind of piece of art work in museum people to see is unbearable..

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please stop.. please don't look at me..

.it's hurts.. don't look at me.. I'm not something to be evaluated or be judged like kind of pretty doll or piece of work..

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.. I can't stand it those gaze seeing like they admire kind of statue or scenery .. I'm a human being.. yet this is.. just suffocated me.

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Have you even feel being watch everywhere you go and being talk every single second everyday without a break

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I'm basically tightly being chain by those gaze and become someone story for they amusement for tomorrow..

I can't be myself nor show my weakness nor flaw.. or it will become a hot story of past time for them.. and spread everywhere.

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the feeling is like in kind white closes space room with full of camera everywhere to be monitored every move whether you sleep or change clothes

..gaze that followed me everywhere felt like a camera recording my behavior.. and the vast sky felt like empty white room.

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I feel my privacy being invaded I feel tired without a break... I'm mentality exhausted..

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I want to die..

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But I can't.. if I die my parents will lose they only beloved son..

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I don't want my parents to lose someone dear to them like me..

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I want to die but I shouldn't..

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I need to endure it..

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Do you know what the worst punishment in this world is..

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is not a death...

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is living when you in great of torture in pain..

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death is instant but living in darkness of abbys of hell every single second is unbearable..

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(A/N: you must wondering why I make a spicy chapter.. is simple.. I want you all greet new year with tear.. I'm joking "I'm joking.. I just want to wish you all a new year with a little excuse to keep forward by using they might be someone waiting and saddened if your not here.. like me author looking forward for you feedback and comment.. (づ￣ ³￣)づ

(////•///•//) hehe cringe #

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A/N: mentality talk* just enjoy the life if human gonna die anyway let's enjoy together the life with whatever you like, enjoy the park, enjoy the delicious food

..we won't know when we gonna die anyway if tomorrow is last day what you gonna do for you last breath without leaving any regrets.. I'm gonna live the hell I want and do the thing I like and pamper myself ,grooming myself ,loving myself I know life isn't easy.. but I always live like there's no tomorrow to keep holding on to fight this pain...

..so if you have a pain let's fight together... and greet the new year together..

Ps: Happy new year may you and me have a happy new year...