chapter 11 - progress

I noticed for the first time in a while that I had been so preoccupied with my own progression that I had paid no mind to anyone else, not even Klaus. It would be good if it was because I got over my sense of inferiority to him, but I know that if I thought about it a second too long I would be back in the same mindset. Busy was good. Even if I was exhausted, I wouldn't have time to think about unnecessary things that weigh on my mind.

While I was focusing on myself and the lessons, Klaus was progressing as would be expected of him. Rather than being envious, I have taken to regarding him as a fictional character in another world. That made it easier to deal with. He was the most promising mage in the kingdom. Of course that didn't mean he had already achieved greatness, a student is still a student. He was thriving but there was a while to go. It was just that the pace of his progression set him apart from all others. Although right now he was too young, anyone could see what his future held.

I just prayed I wasn't in it.

Now and then I had such thoughts. Thoughts that I don't want to be here. They've been there all along but at times they are louder than normal. I want to return to my past life but I no longer know what that was like. There is uncertainty in the only familiarity I had known and it makes it difficult to cope. What do I do if I cannot truly belong anywhere? I no longer have to think twice when I respond to the name Max and that idea frightens me. It may seem like only a name but I feel like my entire identity has been blurred.

Lately the tiredness has been getting to me. Mid thought I feel like my mind has become cloudy and I struggle to even pick out my thoughts from the overwhelming feelings of exhaustion. It is a constant thing. Once lessons are over, including the extra lessons from Xavier, my body does not listen to me. It is a temperamental child throwing a tantrum and I struggle to gather the energy to speak. Tiredness had never felt so heavy as it has recently. It has been so heavy that my mouth cannot carry the weight and my lips refuse to move when I want to speak.

Anson doesn't struggle half as much as I do. That might partly have to do with the fact that he began learning at a younger age, and partly because of the difference in our powers. His was something akin to brainwashing, but the technical term is too fancy for me to ever remember. On the other hand, mine is mana manipulation, so my inability to properly control it is likely the cause for my exhaustion. Sometimes I think that this is more trouble than it's worth.

I have been improving, gradually. Firstly, I have gotten faster at going to the core of my mana to begin expanding it. I have also gotten better at knowing when to stop before I hit my limit, owing largely to my failed attempts where I repeatedly overdid it. Finally, my pace at which it expands has been faster too. Not quite worthy of an applause but at least a pat on the back is deserved for the recent progress. I can only hope it can continue but I wonder how much longer my body can hold out.

Although I am better at knowing my limits and stopping on time, that does nothing for the mental and physical energy that is being sucked away from me with every new day. It seems that regardless of what I do, I end up in a state like a zombie. Forever plagued by the exhaustion that comes with existing, I am pushing myself endlessly to achieve something before the end. I haven't even had time to open up the archives again or plan how to use the system at my disposal. Some might have used it to become the strongest person to exist, others might have used it for wealth. Either way I think people would use it to live an easy life but ease does not come to me. It takes effort to get and I cannot even afford the time to invest in it.

I still continue to clench and unclench my fist out of habit, but my body is still that of Max. Each time I do it, I lose a little more of my will to do anything. It's a strange feeling to be trapped without being able to definitively say what it is that is trapping you. That might be the worst trap. You can't escape if you don't even know what it is you're being trapped by. I want to be liberated, from me, from existing, from fatigue. Instead, I'm living with as much energy as I can afford to make something of myself. To not stand out for being a nothing.

At least it was working. My efforts are slowly paying off and I'm getting much better at controlling my power. I have yet to actually learn how I want to use it or any specific skills I want to use, but one step at a time. That's how I'm surviving. One step at a time. I know if I think too much I'll spiral again.