How to Start Great Small Talk

You've been there. You're introduced to someone at a party or business meeting. You shake hands, your eyes meet . . . and suddenly

your entire body of knowledge dries up and thought processes

come to a screeching halt. You fish for a topic to fill the awkward

silence. Failing, your new contact slips away in the direction of the

cheese tray.

We want the first words falling from our lips to be sparkling,

witty, and insightful. We want our listeners to immediately recognize how riveting we are. I was once at a gathering where everybody was sparkling, witty, insightful, and riveting. It drove me

berserk because most of these same everybodies felt they had to

prove it in their first ten words or less!

Several years ago, the Mensa organization, a social group of

extremely bright individuals who score in the country's top 2 percent in intelligence, invited me to be a keynote speaker at their

annual convention. Their cocktail party was in full swing in the

lobby of the hotel as I arrived. After checking in, I hauled my bags

through the hoard of happy-hour Mensans to the elevator. The

doors separated and I stepped into an elevator packed with party

goers. As we began the journey up to our respective floors, the elevator gave several sleepy jerks.

47

How to Start Great

Small Talk

✰10

02 (043-92B) part two 8/14/03 9:17 AM Page 47

Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.

"Hmm," I remarked, in response to the elevator's sluggishness, "the elevator seems a little flaky." Suddenly, each elevator

occupant, feeling compelled to exhibit his or her 132-plus IQ,

pounced forth with a thunderous explanation. "It's obviously got

poor rail-guide alignment," announced one. "The relay contact is

not made up," declared another. Suddenly I felt like a grasshopper trapped in a stereo speaker. I couldn't wait to escape the attack

of the mental giants.

Afterward, in the solitude of my room, I thought back and

reflected that the Mensans' answers were, indeed, interesting. Why

then did I have an adverse reaction? I realized it was too much,

too soon. I was tired. Their high energy and intensity jarred my

sluggish state.

You see, small talk is not about facts or words. It's about music,

about melody. Small talk is about putting people at ease. It's about

making comforting noises together like cats purring, children

humming, or groups chanting. You must first match your listener's

mood.

Like repeating the note on the music teacher's harmonica, top

communicators pick up on their listener's tone of voice and duplicate it. Instead of jumping in with such intensity, the Mensans

could have momentarily matched my lethargic mood by saying,

"Yes, it is slow, isn't it?" Had they then prefaced their information

with, "Have you ever been curious why an elevator is slow?" I

would have responded with a sincere "Yes, I have." After a moment

of equalized energy levels, I would have welcomed their explanations about the rail-guard alignment or whatever the heck it was.

And friendships might have started.

I'm sure you've suffered the aggression of a mood mismatch.

Have you ever been relaxing when some overexcited, hot-breathed

colleague starts pounding you with questions? Or the reverse:

you're late, rushing to a meeting, when an associate stops you and

starts lazily narrating a long, languorous story. No matter how

interesting the tale, you don't want to hear it now.

48 How to Talk to Anyone

02 (043-92B) part two 8/14/03 9:17 AM Page 48

The first step in starting a conversation without strangling it

is to match your listener's mood, if only for a sentence or two.

When it comes to small talk, think music, not words. Is your listener adagio or allegro? Match that pace. I call it "Make a Mood

Match."

Matching Their Mood Can Make

or Break the Sale

Matching customers' moods is crucial for salespeople. Some years

ago, I decided to throw a surprise party for my best friend Stella.

It was going to be a triple-whammy party because she was celebrating three events. One, it was Stella's birthday. Two, she was

newly engaged. And three, Stella had just landed her dream job.

She had been my buddy since grade school, and I was floating on

air over her birthday-engagement-congratulations bash.

I had heard one of the best French restaurants in town had an

attractive back room for parties. About 5 p.m. one afternoon, I

wafted happily into the restaurant and found the seated maître d'

languidly looking over his reservation book. I began excitedly babbling about Stella's triple-whammy celebration and asked to see

that fabulous back room I'd heard so much about. Without a smile

or moving a muscle, he said, "Zee room ees een zee back. You can

go zee eet eef you like."

CRASH. What a party pooper! His morose mood kicked all

the party spirit out of me, and I no longer wanted to rent his stupid space. Before I even looked at the room, he lost the rental. I

left his restaurant vowing to find a place where the management

would at least appear to share the joy of the happy occasion.

Every mother knows this instinctively. To quiet a whimpering

infant, Mama doesn't just shake her finger and shout, "Quiet

down." No, Mama picks baby up. Mama cries, "Ooh, ooh, oh,"

sympathetically matching baby's misery for a few moments. Mama

then gradually transitions the two of them into hush-hush happy

How to Start Great Small Talk 49

02 (043-92B) part two 8/14/03 9:17 AM Page 49

sounds. Your listeners are all big babies! Match their mood if you

want them to stop crying, start buying, or otherwise come 'round

to your way of thinking