How to Know What to Say Af ter You Say “Hi”

Just as the first glimpse should please their eyes, your first words

should delight their ears. Your tongue is a welcome mat embossed

with either "Welcome" or "Go Away!" To make your conversation

partner feel welcome, you must master small talk.

Small talk! Can you hear the shudder? Those two little words

drive a stake into the hearts of some otherwise fearless and

undaunted souls. Invite them to a party where they don't know

anyone, and it mainlines queasiness into their veins.

If this sounds familiar, take consolation from the fact that the

brighter the individual, the more he or she detests small talk.

When consulting for Fortune 500 companies, I was astounded.

Top executives, completely comfortable making big talk with their

boards of directors or addressing their stockholders, confessed they

felt like little lost children at parties where the pratter was less than

prodigious.

Small-talk haters take further consolation from the fact that

you are in star-studded company. Fear of small talk and stage

fright are the same thing. The butterflies you feel in your stomach when you're in a roomful of strangers flutter 'round the tum02 (043-92B) part two 8/14/03 9:17 AM Page 43

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mies of top performers. Pablo Casals complained of lifelong stage

fright. Carly Simon curtailed live performances because of it. A

friend of mine who worked with Neil Diamond said he insisted

the words to "Song Sung Blue," a tune he'd been crooning for forty

years, be displayed on his teleprompter, lest fear freeze him into

forgetfulness.

Is Small-Talk-a-Phobia Curable?

Someday, scientists say, communications fears may be treatable

with drugs. They're already experimenting with Prozac to change

people's personalities. But some fear disastrous side effects. The

good news is that when human beings think, and genuinely feel,

certain emotions—like confidence that they have specific techniques to fall back on—the brain manufactures its own antidotes.

If fear and distaste of small talk is the disease, knowing solid techniques like the ones we explore in this section is the cure.

Incidentally, science is beginning to recognize it's not chance

or even upbringing that one person has a belly of butterflies and

another doesn't. In our brains, neurons communicate through

chemicals called neurotransmitters. Some people have excessive

levels of a neurotransmitter called norepinephrine, a chemical

cousin of adrenaline. For some children, just walking into a kindergarten room makes them want to run and hide under a table.

As a tot, I spent a lot of time under the table. As a preteen in

an all-girls boarding school, my legs turned to linguine every time

I had to converse with a male. In eighth grade, I once had to invite

a boy to our school prom. The entire selection of dancing males

lived in the dormitory of our brother school. And I only knew one

resident, Eugene. I had met Eugene at summer camp the year

before. Mustering all my courage, I decided to call him.

Two weeks before the dance, I felt the onset of sweaty palms.

I put the call off. One week before, rapid heartbeat set in. I put

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the call off. Finally, three days before the big bash, breathing

became difficult. Time was running out.

The critical moment, I rationalized, would be easier if I read

from a script. I wrote out the following: "Hi, this is Leil. We met

at camp last summer. Remember?" (I programmed in a pause

where I hoped he would say "yes.") "Well, National Cathedral

School's prom is this Saturday night and I'd like you to be my

date." (I programmed in another pause where I prayed he'd say

"yes.")

On Thursday before the dance, I could no longer delay the

inevitable. I picked up the receiver and dialed. Clutching the

phone waiting for Eugene to answer, my eyes followed perspiration droplets rolling down my arm and dripping off my elbow. A

small salty puddle was forming around my feet. "Hello?" a sexy,

deep male voice answered the dorm phone.

In faster-than-a-speeding-bullet voice, like a nervous novice

telemarketer, I shot out, "Hi, this is Leil. We-met-at-camp—lastsummer-remember?" Forgetting to pause for his assent, I raced on,

"Well-National-Cathedral-School's-prom-is-this-Saturday-nightand-I'd-like-you-to-be-my-date."

To my relief and delight, I heard a big, cheerful "Oh that's

great, I'd love to!" I exhaled my first normal breath all day. He continued, "I'll pick you up at the girl's dorm at 7:30. I'll have a pink

carnation for you. Will that go with your dress? And my name is

Donnie."

Donnie? Donnie! Who said anything about Donnie?

Well, Donnie turned out to be the best date I had that decade.

Donnie had buckteeth, a head full of tousled red hair, and communications skills that immediately put me at ease.

On Saturday night, Donnie greeted me at the door, carnation

in hand and grin on face. He joked self-deprecatingly about how

he was dying to go to the prom so, knowing it was a case of mistaken identity, he accepted anyway. He told me he was thrilled

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when "the girl with the lovely voice" called, and he took full

responsibility for "tricking" me into an invitation. Donnie made

me comfortable and confident as we chatted. First we made small

talk and then he gradually led me into subjects I was interested in.

I flipped over Donnie, and he became my very first boyfriend.

Donnie instinctively had the small-talk skills that we are now

going to fashion into techniques to help you glide through small

talk like a hot knife through butter. When you master them, you

will be able—like Donnie—to melt the heart of everyone you

touch.

The goal of How to Talk to Anyone is not, of course, to make

you a small-talk whiz and stop there. The aim is to make you a

dynamic conversationalist and forceful communicator. However,

small talk is the first crucial step toward that goal.