61. Chapter 61

Being at Bobby’s again was a little surreal, but Dean found he didn’t mind as much as he thought he would. Sam was so obviously happy to see him that Dean couldn’t help preening a little, enjoying the way that Sam kept looking over at him and grinning as they watched television together. He could tell that Sam was burning with questions though, and eventually Dean gave in to the inevitable.

“What is it you wanna know, Sammy?” he asked, grabbing the remote and muting the television. He tried to ignore Sam’s astonished expression. It was just a football game. At one time Dean had tried to keep up with sports, but they’d never interested him as much as he pretended that they did. And neither Castiel nor Gabriel seemed interested in human sports, so there was no point in trying to keep up the pretense. Dean hadn’t watched a football game since Sam had left for college.

“Who are you and where is my brother?” Sam said. He was grinning, so it was supposed to be a joke, but Dean couldn’t contain the flicker of unease. He hoped that Sam never found out just how much Dean had changed.

“It’s still me. Bird wings and all,” Dean said, rolling his shoulders to ease the stiffness. His feathers fluffed up, immediately drawing Sam’s attention.

“Did it hurt?” he asked.

“Like a bitch,” Dean admitted. Those were days he didn’t like thinking about. That bone-deep pain that seemed to echo through his body with every breath… the longing for his daddy coupled with the fear that either Castiel might not come, or that he might not be able to come back… the frustration on Gabriel’s face because he couldn’t help. All culminating in a couple of days that Dean had blocked from his memory, because they were too painful to think about.

Sam frowned at that, but didn’t push. “Do you like it, Dean? I mean really. Are you happy?”

“Yes.” Dean didn’t even need to think about the question. A few months ago he probably would’ve said no, humiliated by the things he wanted and that Castiel insisted he needed, but it was true now. His happy place wasn’t riding down the highway in the Impala with Sam by his side. It was curled up in Castiel’s wings and arms with Gabriel snuggled up against them both.

A fact which Sam would never, ever know because even just thinking it made Dean want to die of embarrassment.

“That’s good. I mean really good, Dean. I have to admit for a while there, I wondered if you’d join me at college.”

“At Stanford?” Dean said, astonished. “I’m not smart enough for that.”

And there was Sam’s infamous bitchface. “Don’t say that. You know that’s not true. You’re plenty smart. You could’ve gotten your GED and gone to college no problem.”

“That scene isn’t for me,” Dean told him, instead of saying what he was really thinking, which was that Sam was dreaming if he thought that Dean could’ve succeeded in college. Scratch that: Sam was dreaming if he thought Dean could’ve gotten into college, period. His marks in school had never been what Sam’s were: it was Sam who loved books, who loved learning. Whereas for Dean, school was something that he had to suffer through.

Besides, what would he even do with more school? Get a desk job? Dean couldn’t help remembering that fake world Zachariah had cooked up. The one where he and Sam weren’t brothers, but Dean was some vegetable-eating, gym-going health nut whose only ambition in life was to crawl ever higher up the corporate ladder so that he could spend even more time working. No friends, no family, just an endless, soulless existence where the only bit of fun to be found was the rare cheeseburger.

Dean shuddered. No. God no. He would never be suited to that life. Just the memory of it made his skin crawl. He would never be cut out for a 9 to 5 life. It was one of the reasons he hadn’t sought Lisa out after everything was all said and done. All of the cool jobs, like being a firefighter, were things that Dean wasn’t smart enough to do, and he wasn’t interested in wasting his life away working as a bartender or convenience store clerk.

“You don’t know that,” Sam insisted. “You might have found something you love.”

“Like you and law?” Dean said skeptically.

For a split second Sam looked a little weird, but then he smiled. “Yeah, like me and law. I can’t wait to graduate. I know I won’t have the same chances at getting into a good school as I did before, but I’m going to give it my best shot.”

Sam kept talking, but Dean wasn’t really listening. He’d heard this all before. Sam was the kind of kid who had a five year plan that, at one point, Dean had heard so often that he could’ve recited it in his sleep. There was no doubt in Dean's mind that Sam was going to be extremely successful. Sam would have it all: he’d become lawyer, be a rock star with some firm, fall in love, crank out a couple of kids. The American dream.

He’d leave Dean behind. It wasn’t the first time Dean had thought it, and it wouldn’t be the last. He could see it coming from a mile away. The process had already started now that Sam had returned to university, where he’d always wanted to be. Pretty soon Dean would be nothing more than the loser brother Sam never talked to – or worse, depending on what kind of upper class crowd Sam fell in with, a freak of nature.

That hurt. It hurt a lot. Dean swallowed hard, looking back at the television instead of at Sam. This whole nestling/hatchling thing – he didn’t know why, but he wanted Sam to be proud of him for doing it. Which was stupid. Just like he always did, Dean had taken the easy way out. He spent his days being coddled by Castiel and Gabriel instead of working. That was nothing to be proud of.

“Dean?” Like he’d been summoned by Dean’s thoughts alone – and who knew, he probably had been – Castiel appeared at the door of the living room. Castiel looked around the room as though expecting to find something wrong. He frowned when he saw only the two brothers.

“Hey Cas,” Sam said easily. “What’s up?”

“Do you mind if I borrow Dean for a moment, Sam?” Castiel said, already beckoning to Dean.

“Not at all. Go ahead, dude. I’m gonna finish watching the game.” Sam grabbed the remote and turned the television back up. Dean shook his head at his brother in disbelief – Sam used to hate football, but apparently university had changed his ways – and got up. He followed Castiel out of the room and upstairs into the small bedroom that had been set aside for their use.

It would’ve been cramped for two people, if one of those people weren’t an angel. Castiel kind of shifted and rolled his wings, and before Dean’s very eyes the room changed and expanded. Gone was the shitty old roll-out couch. In its place was a bed that looked very similar to the one Dean slept in at home. There was also – Dean flushed – a changing table and a rocking chair.

“Don’t worry,” Castiel said. “If Sam, Bobby or Jody looks in, they will still see the same room as before. You, Gabriel and I are the only ones who can see the difference.”

That made Dean’s heart pound a fraction slower, though it was still humiliating. “Is this all you wanted me to see?” he asked, deliberately not looking at the changing table.

“No. This room is soundproof, so we can speak freely here. What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

“Little one,” Castiel said, voice softening, and damnit. The nickname combined with that soft, concerned tone immediately made tears well up in Dean’s eyes. He tried to blink them back, but it was too late. Castiel had already seen. In less than a second Dean was being pulled into two warm arms. Wings wrapped securely around him, cradling his body.

“Tell me what’s wrong,” Castiel coaxed. “Daddy can’t fix it unless he knows what’s wrong.”

“It’s not something you can fix,” Dean said, hating how quivery his voice sounded. He wanted to bury his head in Castiel’s shoulder and bawl until this cold, splintery feeling of loss left him alone. But he couldn’t. He had to be big so long as they were in Bobby’s house.

“You don’t know that. Come on, sweetheart. Tell me.” Castiel’s eyes were so big and blue and worried. Dean resisted for maybe another ten seconds before he broke.

“Sammy’s gonna leave me,” he burst out with a sob. He started to cry, giving in to the urge to hide his face against Castiel’s collarbone. It was embarrassing how much better it felt to tell Castiel what he was worried about. Gone were the days where he suffered through things in stoic silence, apparently. But then again, being able to say it and trust that he wouldn’t be mocked or shoved away was probably a worthy tradeoff.

“What?” Castiel said, confused and surprised. He backed up a few steps, pulling Dean along, until he could sit down in the rocking chair. He drew Dean down into his lap. Dean curled up, feeling terribly small, all plans to be as big as he could dashed to pieces around him.

“Sammy’s gonna be a lawyer,” Dean said through sobs. “He’s gonna get married and be a contributin’ m’mber of society and ’m just a loser he won’t wanna talk to!”

“Dean,” Castiel said, so sternly that Dean winced. “You are not a loser. I don’t ever want to hear you say those things about yourself, do you understand?”

“But Daddy –”

“And I wouldn’t be so quick to think that Sam is going to be a lawyer,” Castiel added, cutting him off. He started to rock the chair with his foot.

Startled, Dean’s head popped up. “W-what?”

Castiel smiled tenderly at him. “Gabriel!” he called out. “Would you come here for a moment, please?”

Gabriel appeared before Castiel had even finished speaking. There was a smile on his face, which vanished as soon as he caught of Castiel and Dean. “Whoa, hey, what’s going on here?” He moved quickly over to the rocking chair and reached out to place a hand on Dean’s hair. Dean sniffed, slipping his thumb into his mouth.

“Dean is under the impression that Sam is going to go to law school after he graduates,” Castiel said, not once pausing the rocking of the chair. “He thinks that Sam isn’t going to be interested in talking to him anymore once he becomes a lawyer.”

Both of Gabriel’s eyebrows rose. “Does he now? Kiddo, listen to me.” He crouched down so that he was on eye level with Dean. “You and your brother aren’t so great at this whole emotions thing. Sam thinks he’s excited about law school, but I’m almost positive that he’s just trying to convince himself. He thinks it’s what he should want now that the Apocalypse is over. But Cassie and I think that Sam is a lot more like you than either of you realize.”

Dean stopped sucking his thumb and looked between his daddy and his uncle. That couldn’t mean what it sounded like… could it?

Gabriel smiled. “Graduating is important to Sam, and I understand that. But it’s gonna be really rough on him. He didn’t give himself a chance to rest or relax after everything you’ve both been through. I think he’ll be burnt out and desperate by that point… same as you were when your daddy came to find you.” He squeezed Dean’s free hand. “I’m planning to ask him if he’d like to be my nestling.”

“What?!” Dean squeaked, shocked. “Sammy would never go for that!”

“I would’ve said the same thing about you a year ago,” Gabriel said, giving him a pointed look. Dean flushed and sulked, nuzzling into Castiel’s shoulder. Both angels smiled at him.

“But… Sammy wants to be a lawyer,” Dean said.

“Dreams can change, kiddo. And even if Sam says no, which I doubt will be the case, he’s your little brother and he loves you. He’d never leave you behind, Dean. Ever.” Gabriel looked completely sure of what he was saying. “Just because you two are at different points in your lives now doesn’t mean you stop being brothers.”

That made sense when Dean thought about it, though he wasn’t wholly convinced. And now he had a new concern. He looked at Gabriel and the question popped out: “If Sammy becomes your nestling, does that mean you won’t have time for me anymore?”

Castiel’s eyes widened. So did Gabriel’s. “What? No! Of course not. You’re my sweet little nephew. I will always have time for you, baby.” Gabriel crowded into the chair with them, which really wasn’t big enough for three full-sized men: he made it bigger with a flick of his fingers, then hugged both Castiel and Dean. “You’re both stuck with me for life whether you like it or not.”

“Okay,” Dean said in a tiny voice as Gabriel wrapped his wings around them. He cuddled in closer to his daddy and uncle, accepting the pacifier his daddy offered him. He felt hands on his wings moments later, just lightly combing through the feathers, and that was actually kind of soothing, especially when fingers also started to run through his hair.