11. Chapter 11

Coloring was actually turning out to be more fun than Dean thought it would be. He sat back after what felt like a really long time and examined his picture, feeling a sense of pride as he looked at the now brown horse - and all the brown was within the black lines. He'd chosen to make the cowboy's clothing red, even though he knew that wasn't really traditional, and his hat was green. The gun he was holding had been colored blue. The weird colors made him smile.

He snuck a quick glance over at Castiel, seeing that the angel was working on a different picture now. But it wasn't really any better, since instead of one girl in a long dress it was now two girls in long dresses standing in a garden. Castiel was carefully coloring the dress of the girl on the right a light blue. The other was already pale green. Well, at least he wasn't working with really girly colors.

"Can I ask you something?" he said, dropping his eyes back to his own picture. He'd spent a little while thinking before he got out of bed today. The coloring had distracted him temporarily, but he had some questions to ask and he hoped that Castiel would be willing to answer them.

"Of course," Castiel said, sounding a little surprised. Out of the corner of his eye, Dean watched as he set his blue crayon down. Then the full force of that blue-eyed scrutiny was hitting the top of his head.

"Do you... um... is Jimmy still in there with you?" he asked in a rush. "Because... I was thinking... that he must not be very happy if he is. I don't think that this is what the dude signed on for."

There was a pause and he chanced a look up. Castiel met his gaze and said slowly, "I'm sorry, Dean. It hadn't occurred to me that is something you would be concerned about. I should have told you before. When I was brought back after dying in Chuck's house, Jimmy was not with me. I sensed his absence within the vessel immediately and journeyed to heaven to make sure he was okay. He is currently occupying a small fragment of heaven, watching over Claire and Amelia. This vessel is mine alone."

Dean exhaled, feeling a wave of relief at those words. This process was going to be awkward enough with just Castiel around. He couldn't imagine going through it knowing that Jimmy was watching and (most likely) judging. "That's cool. You must miss him a lot, though."

"It was very strange at first to be alone. Though for the most part Jimmy was asleep, there were times when he was conscious and we were able to converse. He even offered me advice on occasion. I have grown used to being alone, though, and I still return to heaven to see him now and again."

"You're way more sentimental than I thought, dude," Dean said with a small smile. He didn't know why, but he liked the thought that Castiel cared enough to check up on Jimmy. "Is he angry?"

"He was frustrated at first, yes. He told me that he was not expecting for things to end up this way when he agreed to let me into his body." Castiel sighed, looking very tired and very human. "I told him the truth, that I had not expected for this to happen, either. Though I am not sure I would have changed anything had I known. Being able to save you and Sam was always my priority."

Dean flushed. He didn't think he'd ever get used to how weirdly open Castiel was sometimes. He just blurted out things that no normal human would be comfortable saying. "That's, um, good I guess. Would I be able to visit him sometime?"

"You will eventually be able to go to heaven, yes. But I suspect it is not Jimmy you have a real interest in visiting."

He squirmed. Okay, so maybe it wasn't really Jimmy he wanted to talk to. Dean had only ever met the guy once, after all. But there were an awful lot of other people up there that Dean did want to see. Jo, Ellen, Ash and his mom topped the list, not to mention Victor Henriksen, Jess, and all the people who had been lost on hunts. God, how amazing would it be to be able to tell Sam that Jess was okay and put to rest something that Sam had been wrestling with for years?

"Dean," Castiel said gently, placing a hand on his arm. "There is no shame in wanting to see your loved ones again. But you should understand that it will be a long time before you are capable of that. The only other way would be for you to die again and your soul go to heaven, and I'm not comfortable with taking that risk. There are too many rogue angels who might try to stop you from coming back."

"No, I get it. It's fine. The possibility of someday is more than I thought I'd get," Dean said, though there was a little part of him that was disappointed.

Castiel looked at him closely for a few more seconds before he nodded. "Do you have any other questions for me?"

"Yeah. I... um..." Dean trailed off, because this one was much harder to put into words. "Other nestlings don't get treated the way you treat me."

"No, they're not."

"So... I mean... where are you trying to go with... with this?" He waved his hand lamely to encompass the coloring books and the way he was dressed and finally just spit it out. "'Cause all of the nestlings I've seen don't act like little kids. Is there something wrong with me?"

"No, Dean. There is nothing wrong with you," came the firm response, and Dean relaxed just a tiny bit. "You are correct when you say that most nestlings revert to an age in their early teens or late childhood. But it is not uncommon for some to revert further back. It depends on the individual."

Dean absorbed this. "So you think I'm going to start acting like a little kid and that's why you're trying to treat me like one in advance?"

"I think that there is a good possibility that you may regress further because of the things you have been through. I also think it would be good for you to allow that to happen," Castiel said carefully.

"Why?"

"Because you didn't have much of a childhood, Dean. No matter what excuses or explanations you have, it's the truth. And you have been through more in your life than any other human I have encountered. The grace is going to bring everything you've repressed to the surface. The younger you are, the more easy it will be for you to accept the care I want to give you while it's happening."

It sounded like bullshit. But it was obvious that Castiel really believed it. Dean stared down at his coloring book, trying to figure out how he was supposed to respond to this. The thought of acting like a little kid was still not an appealing one, even if Castiel was okay with it. He just had a hard time imagining that he would ever be able to let it happen. Could he ever call Castiel "Daddy"? Could he ever let the angel carry him or help him bathe without feeling really weird?

"I dunno," he muttered finally.

"It's not as unusual as you seem to think, Dean. This is not exclusive to angels and nestlings," Castiel told him. "I did some research before I approached you. There are some humans who do this on a regular basis. It makes them feel good to relive their childhood, to have no responsibilities and to focus on the simple things." He touched the edge of the coloring book with his finger. "They find it very... freeing."

"Really?" Dean said doubtfully. "It just sounds weird."

A hint of a smile twitched at Castiel's mouth. "I'm sure they would take offence to hear you say that. But yes, really. If you like, I can procure a laptop and you can do some research of your own. It may help you to become more comfortable with the idea."

Dean nodded immediately. He wasn't a huge fan of research, but he had been a hunter long enough to know exactly how valuable it could be. Plus he wanted to know if Castiel was telling the truth about his whole acting like a little kid thing being an actual thing. "Yes please."

"I will ask Gabriel to bring one."

"Thanks," Dean said. There was just one more question buzzing around in his head. "Exactly how young were you aiming to take this?"

"As young as it takes."

It was an answer as much as it wasn't, which was not surprising: Castiel had always been excellent at deflecting. He couldn't say he was shocked, but it didn't bother him like he would have expected. He had his suspicions, but he would wait for the laptop. "Fair enough. Make sure Gabriel brings that laptop today."

Castiel turned his head slightly, his eyes glazing over in the way that Dean knew meant he was communing with heaven or another angel. He watched with more fascination this time, wondering if someday he would be able to do that too. On the one hand it would be really cool. On the other hand, 99% of the angels he'd met were dicks and he didn't really like the thought of having their voices in his head all the time.

"Done," Castiel said, and Dean startled. "Gabriel says he will bring the laptop tonight. Apparently he could use a break."

"I don't blame him. Frankly it's amazing he hasn't taken off again."

"Agreed," Castiel admitted, toying with a crayon. "I am not certain what keeps him in heaven, but I'm glad for his presence. Without him, heaven could have easily descended into civil war."

Just the thought of more fighting was enough to make Dean grimace. He pushed his coloring book away, deciding that they needed something much better to talk about - and what was better than food? "I'm hungry."

"It's almost lunchtime. What do you want to eat?"

He shrugged. "Can we order pizza?" The question came out so easily that he wondered at himself. Before this, he never would've asked for permission. He'd have grabbed his phone and asked Castiel if he wanted any, but he wouldn't have asked if they could get some.

"Not for the first meal of the day," Castiel said, looking amused. "I can probably talk Gabriel into bringing some of that around too, if you want."

"Yeah!" Dean said, grinning. "But make it a meat lovers, okay? None of that veggie shit I had to put up with from Sammy."

"Yes, Dean." Castiel seemed even more amused. "What do you want for breakfast?"

"Pancakes and bacon," Dean said decisively, because if he couldn't have pizza that was the next best thing.

"Do you know how to make pancakes?"

"I do, but I don't think you have the ingredients."

"Wait here, then, and don't move. I will go get some."

Almost before he'd finished speaking, Castiel was gone. Dean looked at the place where he'd been. This was the first time he'd been alone since they had come here. It was an excellent opportunity. But he didn't do anything. He sat there and waited, and within five minutes Castiel returned with the promised pancakes and bacon. It seemed like a fair trade.