Simula

I grew up in a very conservative and traditional family.

Bawat kilos mo ay dapat naaayon sa gusto nila. Maraming bawal. Dapat ganyan, ganito -lahat dapat ay sundin.

Their rules are there to shape us to become prim and proper. To be the best in everything. To excel in whatever we do. They say 'follow our rules, then you'll be successful'.

Kaya hindi na ako nagtaka kung bakit ako ganito. Takot akong magkamali. My friends say I'm still and calculated. I guess I am.

I am careful with what I say. I move accordingly. I don't go out freely.

Takot akong magkamali! If you'll make a mistake, you'll be a disgrace to the whole family.

I sighed.

I am not complaining though. I am used to this anyway.

Biyernes na at naririnig ko ang aking mga kaklase na nagkayayaan. As much as I want to join their conversation, pinigilan ko na lang ang sarili ko, dahil 'di rin naman ako makakasama sa kanila.

Nagligpit na ako ng aking mga gamit. Tapos na ang last subject namin. Dismissal na kaya uuwi na rin ako. Wala naman din akong iba pang pupuntahan.

I put some of my books inside my locker. Pagkatapos ay nagpaalam na ako sa aking mga kaklase.

Isa ako sa mga unang lumabas ng aming classroom. Tumigil na rin sa pag-aya ang aking mga kaklase sa t'wing may gala sila. Alam naman na nila na hindi talaga ako makakasama. They grew tired inviting me to their outings.

Maganda pa naman sana gumala t'wing Biyernes. Lalo na daw sa lungsod sa San Juan. Maraming turista ang pumupunta roon. Maganda kasi ang San Juan dahil sa pino at puti nitong buhangin.

Ang alam ko sa San Juan palagi gumagala at tumatambay ang mga kaklase ko. Naririnig ko sila sa t'wing nagku-kwentuhan sila tungkol sa kanilang naging gala. Bawat resort may iba't ibang pakulo. Meron din doon mga bars, cafes, souvernir shops... Kaya dinudumog ang San Juan ng mga tao mapa local man o turista.

SUmakay na ako sa easyride na sumusundo sa amin. Dito sa munting isla namin, walang school bus na kumukuha't humahatid ng mga estudyante. Tricycle, habal-habal, easyride, at pribadong sasakyan lamang ang tanging meron dito sa Fuego.

Marami akong kasabay na galing sa lungsod namin, ang Larena.

Tahimik akong umupo sa aking pwesto. Sinuot ko ang aking earphones at nakining na lamang ng musika.

Malapit nang mag takip silim. Gusto ko ng umuwi at magpahinga.

I am so damn tired today at school! Ang daming pinagawa sa amin. Buti na lang at Friday na at pwede na akong magpahinga buong weekend.

Alam kong boring ang buhay ko. School at bahay lang naman ako lagi. They say highschool is supposed to be your last years of having that teenager's freedom. But mine started way before I was even born. I don't have that kind of freedom. Sad truth but I'm okay.

I am entitled and chained to follow my family's rules anyway.

Nakauwi na ako. Wala pa raw sila mama at papa. I have a brother. Pero nasa Dumaguete siya nag-aaral ng kolehiyo, sa Silliman.

"Mamaya pa sina mama at papa mo, Quen. Ang tugon nila sa akin kanina ay umuna ka na raw kumain."

"Okay, nanay. Sabay na po tayo..."

I am used to our set up. Pa minsan minsan na lang kami nagsasaby kumain. Kaya si nanay, ang kasama namin dito sa bahay, and palagi kong nakakasama sa pagkain.

Pagkatapos namin kumain, tinulungan ko si nanay na iligpit ang pinagkainan namin, bago bumalik sa aking kwarto para magpahinga na.

My life is so predictable. It's as if I'm not allowed to do aside from what I'm supposed to do. I don't have a choice! I am not allowed to decide for my own.

Inilahad na rin ng pamilya ko kung ano ang dapat kunin ko sa college. I have no say to it. Sila dapat ang masusunod. 

Binuksan ko ang aking laptop. Nagtype ako agad ng mensahe.

Me: I'm done eating dinner. How about you? Tapos ka na rin?

My parents and my whole fmaily, both sides, expects that I will do well with my studies and excel in everything. They know me as someone who diligently follows their rules. They know everything about me, except this.

Nakita ko ang kanyang reply.

Louis: I'm done too. What are you doing tonight aside from reading your novel?

Me: Hmmm...I don't know yet...Siguro magbabasa lang ako tonight.

I'm gatekeeping this!

Louis is my online friend. I have been talking to him thru online since last year. It all started from him liking my tweets and then him sending a 'hi'.

Louis: Okay. Are you going to start reading, now?

He knows my dark side. He knows the other me. We've never met but he knows something my family really don't know about me. My feelings.

Me: In a minute. What about you? What are you going to do tonight?

Louis: I'm sleeping early tonight, Q.

Me: Why? Is something wrong? Are you okay?

Louis: Nothing. I'm just tired from school, Q.

Me: Can I ask you about it?

Louis: It's nothing a big deal, Q. Don't worry about it, okay?

Me: You know you can also talk to me, right?

Louis: I know and thank you...but I'm all good.

Me: Okay, if you say so... I'll say good night now huh?

Louis: Yeah. Good night, Q! Enjoy reading your novel!

I sighed.

Me: Good night, Louis!