First impression is for losers anyway.

Dying was certainly not a wonderful experience. The truth of the matter is that I was destined to die in a stupid way, many times I had gotten myself into a stupid near death experience. I got run over by a car two different times. I almost lost an eye when I was a kid playing with a fishing rod, I was run over by a bus when I was a teenager. I just have a knack for getting myself into trouble. 

But the worst way to die has to be this one, shot in the head by a drug dealer because he thinks that I fucked his land whale of a girlfriend, so not only are people gonna think that I'm asshole who fucks women that are already in relationships, but they are also going to believe I had sex with that literal troll under the bridge, fantastic ain't it?

I'm now standing in a black room and there's a woman in front of me. "I take it you aren't Jesus are you?" 

"No, I'm Eris, goddess of luck." She answers, she is trying really hard to be all majestic. "Unfortunately, Samuel-san, you have died."

Yeah, no dip, that's what happens when a person unloads a gun into your skull for allegedly doing the devil's tango with the elephant they call a partner. "Damn, so I guess Christianity was wrong, am I going to hell now?" 

"No, you have shown yourself to be a good man in your life, so you will be rewarded with heaven." She declared in all pomp.

"Really? 'Cause I don't think I was that good of a person, but still, I ain't complaining." 

"Oh, don't sell yourself short, remember when you got run over by a bus to push your friend out of the way." She said.

"Okay, firstly, the fact that you know about my life like that annoys me." She pouts at me. "And secondly, I prefer to forget the part where I did it to help because just getting hit by a bus is funnier, the context ruins the joke."

"Well…" she looks puzzled, not knowing how to talk to me. I have this effect on women. "Anyway, there's also something other than heaven, tell me, Samuel-san, did you watch anime in your life?" 

"Is this the isekai thing?"

"Yep." She nodded. "A different world is being attacked by the demon king and we need strong and good-hearted people like you to fight him." 

"Alright, lassie, let's do it, I'm in."

"Great!" She claps her hands together. "Now, let's select your cheat weapon." 

"My what now?"

"In order to make your journey easier we decided to give you a strong weapon to begin your journey, that way your journey will go a lot smoother."

"Eeehhhh." I Shake my head from one side to the other. "I don't know, that sounds kind of… boring."

"Excuse me?" 

"The whole point is the journey right? If I skip the beginning by picking some super strong whatever the hell item that just kind of makes it really not fun." It also doesn't make for a very interesting story, who wants to hear the tale of some dude with an overpowered skill just throttling everything in their path? "Just give me basic equipment and cash and then I will find myself from there."

"Very well." She gave two small claps and light began to form around me. "Good luck in your journey, Samuel-san."

And with that, I vanish.

When I woke up I'm in the middle of a city, with medieval style buildings all around me. I feel a pouch full of coins hanging from the left side of my belt, alongside a scabbard with a long sword on my right, there's also a heater shield on my back. I don't have any armor, but I'm not complaining. 

I find a place to sit and analyze my equipment. The coins have the face of the goddess that I met a moment ago on one side and a cross circled by vines on the other. My sword and shield are all standard too, no sigil, no nothing, I wonder if I should make my own?

It took me longer than I like to admit, but I eventually found the adventurer's guild, because of course there's an adventurer's guild, wouldn't want to be too original would we?

I entered the guild and saw four receptionists, two of them were women and naturally the prettiest lady had the longest line so I went to the shorter one, the man who attended me was a short dude. "Hey, dude, how's it hanging?" I offer him a handshake. 

He shook my hand and said, "Hello, how may I help you?" 

"I'm looking to get started as an adventurer." 

"Of course, the registration fee is 1,000 Eris." 

My heart instantly dropped, please tell me it uses Japanese style currency. I handed him the bag of coins. "Is this enough?" 

He took the bag and began to count the coins with me, 10 bronze coins were enough to count 1,000. Thank fuck.

"All right. Since you said you want to become an adventurer, you should have some level of understanding, but I'll explain it from the start… First, adventurers are responsible for the extermination of monsters wandering outside the town, people who get rid of dangerous creatures that might harm the citizens. They're also jacks-of-all-trades, taking on odd jobs that require their talents. Collectively known as adventurers are people who earn a living this way. And among adventurers there are different jobs." He explained with a mechanical voice, poor guy probably has to say this exact script every time someone new comes in, that's customer service for you.

He handed me a small card with places that need to be filled with a bunch of crap. 

He explained the whole  shebang about how levels work and classes and whatever else as I analyzed the card. "First, please fill in your height, weight, age and other details in the blanks." He finished.

I filled in the height: 1,70 Meters. Weight: 60 kg. Age: 17. Black hair, brown eyes, blablabla, you get the idea.

"Okay please touch the card here." He pointed to the top right of the card. "This will display the strength of each of your abilities for reference when choosing your job. After accumulating skill points, you can learn skills that are available for your job. This is one of the key points in choosing occupations."

I touched the spot and then the card shined for a second before my stats came into view. 

"… All right, thank you. Samuel-san, no surname? Let's see… Strength, vitality, magic, agility and luck, all of them are average. Intelligence is higher than average alongside speed. This is troubling. From the numbers, you can only choose the most basic Adventurer job." He explained calmly, although there was an undertone to his voice that made me feel uneasy.

"You say that like it's a bad thing." I said to him. 

He explained to me that the base adventurer class can learn any spell and skill, but they can't use it as well as the class it belongs to, they need to learn it from someone with that skill and it's more expensive to learn, oh well, what can you do? Might as well play jack of all trades.

With that said and done I take my card and I decide that before throwing myself into combat and getting killed by a goblin I would much rather learn about the city, its people and maybe enter a team. 

Exploring the city was fun, it gave me an idea of how expensive stuff truly is. With the money I have now I could rent a room in a hotel for a whole week, which is pretty good. I'm now in god knows where in the city when I see a small shop that sells nicknacks and thingamajigs. I enter it.

"Excuse me." I say, there's a bell above the door meant to ring when someone opens the door, but whoever installed it placed it too high for the door to hit it.

"Sorry, just a minute." A feminine voice answered from the back room, if I hadn't announced myself I could've stolen something and dipped, not that I would do it, but I could.

There's suddenly a loud crash followed by a scream, I should go there and help her, but nah, I'm too tired.

Soon the owner of the store appears, a woman of brown hair, probably a wizard because only the strongest of spells would be able to contain those massive badonkadonks.

"Hello, sorry for the wait." She said apologetically. "Is there anything you would be interested in?"

"I'm just looking around and browsing."

"Oh, can I show you some of my new items then?"

"Yeah, sure, go ahead."

From her countertop she pulls a perfume bottle. "This is a special perfume, it has a delightful smell known to be liked by people, animals and monsters alike, I'm sure girls would be fawning over you if you used it." She explained.

Is she calling me smelly? Moreover I look at the tag, this isn't cheap, but I take a look around the shop and I can tell she isn't selling much, fuck it, "I will take it."

I also end up getting a backpack, and there goes a day worth of food.

I continued to walk around aimlessly just exploring the city, I find a church, a library, a bath house and a bunch of other stuff, when the sun begins to set i make my way to guild since it also doubles as a tavern and maybe I could find a team that would let me crash with them.

The guild is as loud and merry as I believed it would be, I take a seat and begin to look around the place. That's when I see a dude sitting on a bench, he stands out because he is wearing a tracksuit, wtf?

I approach him. "Yo, dude, what's good?"

He looked up at me. "Hey, wh-" he cut himself off when his eyes met me, he came to the same conclusion.

"You are from earth ain't ia?" 

"Yes, you too?" He quickly stood up, his eyes were as wide as saucers.

"Yup, we should work together." I propose.

"Definitely, my name's Kazuma." He offered me a handshake, I shook his hand and sat in front of him, I took off my shield and placed it on the table.

"I'm Samuel."

"So, what was your cheat weapon?" He asked me.

"Nothing." 

"Excuse me?" 

"I thought that a cheat weapon would be boring, so I picked the starting gear you are seeing." I explained. "What about you, what did you pick?"

Before he could respond, a girl with blue hair suddenly sat beside Kazuma. "Kazuma, who is this?"

Bitch, you can ask me directly. "I'm Samuel." 

"He's from earth, like me." Kazuma explained.

"Really? Wow!" She took on a gracious pose. "I'm Aqua, goddess of water, that's right, I am a goddess, so you should worship me."

I looked at Kazuma and raised an eyebrow. "Is she for real?"

"She was the one who met me when I died, long story short, I got angry and took her with me."

"Damn." 

"Oi!" Aqua exclaimed. "Don't act like I'm bad, I'm a goddess, the best!"

"Is she always this loud?" I asked Kazuma.

"Most of the time, yes."

"Don't just ignore meeeee!!!"

KONOSUBA.

Hunting frogs, not exactly what you expect to do in another world now is it?

Luckily, actually it's rather unlucky, the frog we are hunting is huge and it's far more accurate to say it's hunting us, more precisely Kazuma, because frogs hate metal and I have a metal kite shield and a longsword, while Kazuma only has a sword, so it preferred to have the poor asian boy as it's meal.

"Get back here, you stupid amphibian!" I screamed as I ran after the bastard frog.

"Puhehe! This is hilarious! Kazuma, your face is all red and you have tears in your eyes! You look really desperate!" Aqua said as she watched us from the side lines, being useless.

"Aqua!" I screamed. "Get off your own ass and help!" 

"For starters, add a '-san' when you address me." Aqua with a proud tone. "If you want me to save you then you'll need to worship this goddess from tomorrow onward! You'll have to join the Aqua sect in town and pray to me three times a day! You can't object if I take any side dishes from you during meals! In addition… Ugh?" While Aqua was going on her rant she failed to notice that the frog that was targeting Kazuma changed it's mind and went after her instead.

"Aqua!" Kazuma screamed as the wannabe goddess now inhabited the frog's mouth.

When frogs eat something they stop moving, giving us the perfect opportunity to charge the beast and slay it. 

"Good job there as our bait, Aqua, you did good." I said to the blue haired girl as she cried, Kazuma was a few steps back, probably because the frog fluids made Aqua smell disgusting.

"Ugh… For a goddess like me to be humiliated by a frog; how can we retreat?" Aqua exclaimed in righteous fury. "I'm already defiled. If a believer sees how dirty I am… Their faith will most certainly plummet! If people knew that I ran from frogs, it'd be a disgrace to the name of the beautiful Goddess Aqua!" I took a step back and watched what stupid sh*t she would do this time.

She dashed to one of the frogs as her fists flashed in different colors. "Feel the wrath of a goddess! You dare to oppose a goddess!? Repent in hell! God Blow!" She struck the frog's stomach… and nothing happened… then it ate her.

Good job at being bait for the second time, Aqua, truly a hero.

KonosuBAAAAAAA!!!!

After that failure we decided to recruit more people, because Aqua was feeling down we decided to let her make the poster, which, in hindsight, was a bad idea. 

"… No one's coming…" Aqua dejectedly mumbled to herself.

I rolled my eyes. "I wonder why?" I asked sarcastically before going back to my book, "law and order: a beginner's guide to Belzergian law". I have to say, I'm quite surprised at how complex Belzergian law truly is. You would think it would be more lax, similar to many medieval kingdoms where the law was based on the lord's wishes and dreams, but that's not necessarily the case, at least in paper.

"… Hey, let's lower our standards. Our goal is to defeat the Demon King, so such conditions were necessary… However, 'only recruiting top-tier class' is a bit too grueling."

"Ugh… But…"

"If this goes on, no one will apply! You might have a top-tier class, but mine's the weakest. I'll lose my place if elites suddenly surround me. How about lowering the entry requirements?" Kazuma exclaimed to Aqua.

"I saw the notice recruiting  adventurers with top-tiers jobs. Are you the ones who posted it?" Asked someone from behind us. I turned to see a thin girl with ruby eyes, the left eye being covered by an eye patch, she can't be older than 13, she is dressed in classic witch attire with a black cloak, dark boots, pointy hat and a staff. "My name is Megumin! My calling is that of an Archwizard, and one who controls the strongest offensive magic, Explosion…!"

What the fuck am I looking at?

"…Are you here to tease us?" Kazuma asked.

"I-I'm not!" Megumin denied.

"That red eye, are you a Crimson Demon?" Aqua asked. A fucking what now?

So, apparently there is this race of people called "crimson demons", who aren't actually demons, and they are cool with magic and stuff. We agreed to take the girl for a test drive.

The fields look just the same as the day before, luscious green grass just asking to be turned into a parking lot. There are two frogs that we can see from here, one to the right and one to the left.

"You're just frogs that are strong against physical attacks! Let me show you the power of a goddess! Kazuma, watch this carefully! I haven't done anything great yet, but I'll definitely succeed today!" I hear Aqua exclaim from behind me, oh boy there she goes, being eaten by a frog again.

Whilst Aqua was doing…whatever that was, Megumin began to chant her spell.

"Watch closely; this is the strongest attack spell known to humans… The ultimate attack spell." The tip of Megumin's staff started to glow. The scale might've been small, but it seemed to accumulate a vast amount of light as it shone brightly. Megumin's red eyes shone with a brilliant light. "Explosion!" A light flashed through the plains, turning the frog to bits.

"So this is the power of magic." I hear Kazuma mutter.

"Alright team, let's save Aqua's nice ass and get out of here." Just as I finish my sentence Megumin falls to the ground.

"Humph… Explosion's my ultimate spell. It's powerful and uses a lot of mana. Simply put, the mana I used exceeded my limit, so I can't move." Megumin explained as a frog unburied itself due to the loud noises and then gobbled her up.

"Good god." I said with great irritation then turned to Kazuma. "You save the idiot mage and I save the blue idiot."

"K."

And that's how we completed the mission.

...Konosuba...

Me and Kazuma have been reduced to pack animals, Kazuma has Megumin on his back and I have Aqua. Turns out when you use too much mana you can just become immobile, so that's why Kazuma has the mage on his back. 

Why am I carrying Aqua? She was sad and I wanted to lift her spirits, so I offered to carry her. I also wanted to feel her tits on my back.

"From now on, explosion magic is banned unless there's an emergency. Please get by with your other spells from now on, Megumin." Said Kazuma, rudely cutting me off my monologue, prick.

"… I can only use Explosion; I don't know any other magic." Megumin responded while latching onto his back.

"… Are you serious?"

"… Yes."

There was a pregnant silence after that statement, and considering this is a medieval world it's probably going to have an abortion.

Thankfully Aqua and her finite wit is here to save the day "What do you mean you only know Explosion? If you had enough skill points to learn Explosion, you must've learned other spells, right?"

Hold on. "I don't think anyone explained to me what skills are."

"Skill points are something you earn when you choose a job; it's used to learn skills. The more potential a person has, the more skill points they start out with. You can learn all sorts of skills by investing skill points in them. For example, the excellent me has learned all the banquet party tricks as well as all the spells of an Archpriest." Aqua explained.

"… Where are you going to use banquet party tricks?" Kazuma asked, but was ignored.

Aqua continued. "Depending on the person and the job, there are restrictions to the skills they may learn. For example, someone with a fear of water would need more points to learn water or ice elemental spells… However, as detonation-series magic consists of composite spells, you'd need deep knowledge of fire and wind magic to master it. This means that people who can learn detonation magic should be able to easily learn other spells." 

"So what the f**k is up, why don't you have other spells?" I asked Megumin while Kazuma was still incredulous over the banquet party tricks.

"… I'm an Archwizard that loves Explosion. What I like is not detonation-series magic, but Explosion." Megumin proudly declared. "Adventures will definitely be easier if I learn other spells. Fire, water, earth, wind and light… Learning spells related to this should be good enough… However, I couldn't do it; my only love is Explosion. Even though I can only cast it once per day, even if I'll collapse after using the spell, my one true love is still Explosion! The only reason I chose the path of the Archwizard was to cast explosion spells."

"Incredible! Great! Your resolve to follow your romantic dreams despite knowing it's inefficient really moved me!" Aqua applauded Megumin's passionate speech, I for one wanted to throw tomatoes at her, unfortunately I'm all out of those.

"I see. I think this will be a difficult path, so do work hard. Yes, let's meet again if our paths cross once more." Kazuma said, Megumin grabbed his shoulder even harder, hold on, isn't she immobile?

"My only wish is to use explosion magic; the bounty's just a complementary bonus. How about this: I don't need an even share of the rewards. If you're willing to foot the bill for food, bath and miscellaneous items, I can consider not taking any rewards. That's right, my power as an Archwizard is available at the price of meals and other miscellaneous fees! How could you miss this opportunity to form a long-term contract?" Megumin offered. Hmmmmm.

"No, no, no, our weak team isn't worthy of such amazing power. That's right, it's too much to ask Megumin to stay in our team with your amazing powers. A team just starting out should make do with a normal mage. Look at me, my job's even the weakest one, Adventurer." Kazuma said, trying to free himself from her grasp.

"No, no, no, it doesn't matter if you're novices or weak. I might have a top-tier job, but I'm still a beginner too. My level's just six. When my level grows, I won't collapse after using my spells. So let's talk this over, and then you may pull my hand away, okay?"

"No, no, no, it's too hard to utilize a mage that can only cast one spell a day. Ugh, she's a mage but her grip's strong…! Let go, the other teams probably didn't want you either. Or rather, one can't use explosion spells in dungeons or indoors, which would render you useless. Hey, release your grip! I'll split the rewards equally with you, so please let go!"

"Please don't ditch me! No team's willing to take me! I'm willing to carry the luggage or anything when exploring dungeons, so please don't throw me away!"

"Hold on." I said and Kazuma stopped. "I say we keep her." 

Megumin's face lit up upon hearing my words, Kazuma however. "WHY?!"

"Because I have all intention of becoming a loot goblin when the time comes, for that I will need someone to carry my stuff, that's where red girl comes into play, she will carry my stuff for me." Kazuma wasn't very satisfied, but relented, at least for now.

While that was happening a few women were looking at us and gossiping. "Oi!" I screamed at them. "F**k off! Go find something to do!" That was enough to send them away, the nerve of some people, have they never seen two guys carrying girls covered in goo before?

Kono- ah, you know the rest, line break.

I finished my bath before everyone else and went straight to the guild hall, Kazuma said he was too tired and was going straight to bed, so I went to eat something and began to look at the quests, see what we could realistically do. 

– Cut down the evil trees corrupting the forest, bounty's dependent on the amount turned in.

– Help me look for my pet white wolf.

– My son's swordsmanship lesson *Requirement: Rune Knight or Sword Master.

– Recruiting subject for magic practice * Requirement: High HP or strong magic resistance…

I want to cry blood.

"… Excuse me, may I ask?"I turned to see who it was, and I became instantly speechless, by god.

She stood at around 1,70 meters, with blue eyes and blonde hair, her beauty rivaled the world's greatest wonders, but most importantly, that armor of hers screamed money. Look, I'm no gold digger, but I ain't going home with no broke (redacted).

I cleared my throat. "How may I help you?"

"Um… The team that put up this recruitment notice was you, right? Are you still looking for people?" The female knight showed me a piece of paper. Oh, yeah, we didn't tear it down after taking Megumin in… How did I never end up in the tard yard in my school?

"Yep, we have an arch-priest, an arch-wizard and two adventurers, do you want to join us?"

She grabbed my hand. "I was right, those two covered in goo were your comrades! What happened, how'd they end up like that…!? I-I also…! Want to experience that…!"

"What was that, honey?" 

"No, I phrased it wrongly. For the two young girls to experience that at such a tender age… as a knight, I can't stand by and watch. My job's the top-tier Crusader, so it should fit your recruitment criteria." ohhhh, I see how it is, this… fine woman is off her mind.

"Look, just to warn you, One of our party members is useless, the other can only cast one spell a day, me and Kazuma have the weakest job and our arch-priest is not… the brightest." I explained to her, but it made her tighten her grip on my hand, ow.

"That's perfect! To be honest, I'm confident in my strength and durability, but I'm not too agile with my hands… So I can't hit the enemy. So you don't need to treat me as having a top-tier job; I'll just charge ahead without a care, so abuse me like a shield." She said to me, our faces almost touching. That all sounds perfect, our team is lacking a human shield so this all checks out.

"So, how about you show me your card?" 

After analyzing her card and confirming she was the real deal, afterwards I sent her on her way and asked her to meet me and my team tomorrow morning.

With that all set and done I decided to retire for the day, honestly, not too bad for a brat with dreams of grandeur.