Chapter 11

Eight Years ago:

"So, this is the current Sekiryuutei." Azazel smiled as he looked at the curious Issei. "Cute kid."

"Yeah, well, that'll wear off pretty fast." Baraquiel sighed.

"Come on, he doesn't look that bad."

The married man gave his boss the universal "oh really?" look before turning to his student. "Issei. What are your first impressions of Azazel-san?"

The seven year old looked up at his teacher with curiosity. "I thought you said that I shouldn't tell people what my first impressions are after the bar fight two weeks ago."

"Bar fight?"

"We were picking up his father from a company outing. Got one look at his old man's boss and ran his mouth faster than any of the drunks there. Nearly got the poor guy fired." Baraquiel coughed. "Azazel's a special case. Humor me."

Issei shrugged. "He looks like what I thought he would."

Azazel skeptically looked at Issei. "And what's that?"

"Professional and well-kept, with expensive clothes and grooming, but in casual way to put most people you deal with at ease. You put in a lot of effort into your image, but that's more to impress other people when you talk to them than to actually look good, even if you don't really need or care to. You're really smart and keep track of everything around you, showing your experience and high levels of situational awareness. You look and act like a successful middle aged guy that is capable of seducing any women you want, but you also are probably completely incapable of maintaining any sort of intimate relationship due to a habitual avoidance of commitment, and show more dedication and interest to personal projects. A high functional, and extremely successful, sociopath."

"…"

"…"

"… I told you. He's got a mouth."

"Snk. Pffftahahahahahaha!" The Leader of the Grigori burst out laughing. "I love this kid! He's totally right! He's got me pegged just by looking at me, and he doesn't even hesitate to tell me to my face! He's got bigger balls than nearly everyone in the three factions already!"

"You're over two thousand years old. I'd be worried if you were actually bothered if someone confronted you about it." Issei tilted his head to the side curiously.

"If he was bothered by it, you'd be dead already." Ddraig sighed, materializing the Boosted Gear in the process.

"Oh come on. We both know that we'd do something to save the brat if it came to that. He's too fun to go to waste now." Ghost snickered as he did the same with Blind Eternity.

"Ddraig. It's been a while." Azazel nodded to the crimson gauntlet before turning his attention to the black one. "And you must be Ghost."

"Yep. The dumbass stuck inside another dumbass. The dumbass deluxe, at your service." The immortal cheerfully greeted.

"Hey!"

"Quiet dumbass. I'm talking to the manther with commitment issues."

"I'm starting to see what you were getting at earlier when you mentioned the kid being difficult." Azazel patted his friend on the back. "You are completely unsuited for guys like this."

"Coming from the person who is almost exactly like them." Baraquiel deadpanned at his boss.

"Exactly!"

"… I'm seriously concerned about what would come of the world if two of you were allowed to exist freely and frequently."

"Oh come on. You're overreacting." Azazel turned to Issei. "So kid. I hear you give people nicknames on the fly. What's mine?"

"Eternal single uncle." In hind sight, it was more impressive that Issei didn't even hesitate a second before dropping that bomb with a completely straight face.

"Erk." That time, the kid's words did manage to pierce through Azazel's pride.

"AHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Ghost clearly found it amusing if the twitching ebony gauntlet was any indication.

"Not so funny now, is it?" Baraquiel chided.

"It's fucking hilarious! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Yeah, well, if it's so funny, what does he call you then?"

"Whatever I feel like at the time." Issei shrugged. "Ghost-sensei's all over the place, so nothing really sticks. Sometimes he's really scary and awesome. Other times I seriously contemplate amputating my arm so I don't have to listen to him anymore."

"The latter more frequently than the former." Ddraig helpfully added his two cents.

"Yeah. I tend to get that reaction from most people."

"He's an asshole." Baraquiel summarized flatly.

Azazel whistled, impressed. "Wow. You must be. It takes real skill to get under his skin enough to make him willingly swear."

"It's a gift… and the result of being married to a psychopathic psychologist wife that saw me as her greatest project more than a patient or lover, but that's neither here nor there."

"Sounds like an interesting marriage." Azazel mused curiously. "Kid, you seriously never gave this guy a nickname?"

The boy shrugged. "I did refer to him as my inner retard for a while, but all that did was make him constantly talk as if he had cerebral palsy until I stopped."

"It was incredibly annoying." Ddraig added, not at all concerned with Baraquiel's sudden sputtering.

"As far as I'm concerned, if you're immortal and you haven't developed some skills in method acting by the time you hit four hundred, you're doing it wrong."

"I, honestly can't argue against that." Azazel laughed sheepishly. Being able to lie and pretend that he was someone he wasn't came second nature to him and nearly every other ancient being out there. The number of tales of gods and other beings posing as random humans was as numerous as the stars in the sky. "Still, that begs the question why you aren't posing as someone other than yourself. Especially if you're as important as Ophis claims you are."

"Eh. It's too much of a pain. Plus I didn't come here to start anything. I'm here because I heard a retarded song out in the realm between realms and traced it to this chain of worlds to find the source because it amused me. I wasn't really focusing on where I was going exactly though, so I might have missed the year by a decade or two by accident."

"You came to our world, because you heard a stupid song?" Baraquiel groaned. He didn't want to believe what he was hearing, but at the same time, it matched this guy's personality to the letter.

"Yep. I'm not anchored to any reality, so I normally jump to and from worlds if I'm needed or just feel like it. My original universe got wiped out millennia ago due to certain events that don't really matter for the plot, so I'm just free roaming. Thankfully, your world has a good foundation and power behind it, so it can handle me being here for a while."

Azazel frowned at that bit of information. "And, what would have happened if it wasn't strong enough?"

"Oh, then this reality would have collapsed due to being unable to stay stable trying to support the existence of a multiversal singularity on it. It's happened a few times. Or more. Totally not my fault. I have it in writing."

"Right. Should we be worried about your current situation?" Azazel was slowly starting to realize that maybe he should have gotten involved with this kid sooner than he thought.

Ghost seemed to wave off the Fallen's concern. "Nah. It's fine. I have a shitty reputation with most of the guys upstairs, but all in all I'm a pretty low key guy. I prefer to watch the show rather than be part of it and party with the crew after everything's all set and done. At worst, I tend to heckle the cast from the front row, metaphorically speaking, but on the same note, I also tend to cover the costs for the after parties and some of the equipment for the play in the first place more often than not, so it all tends to balance out in the end. Just, ah, don't mention me to any of the genuine conceptual gods here. They might instinctively recognize me like Ophis-chan and uh, things might get messy. I'm pretty sure your old man would have had a panic attack if he was still around and knew I was here."

Azazel and Baraquiel stiffened.

"Wait, you don't mean?"

"Their old man? You mean the biblical god? He's dead?" Issei frowned in confusion. Despite his intelligence and studying, he only had a cursory idea of just how big this news was. Even then it didn't have nearly the same impact on him as it would with most people.

"Yup. I could tell that good old Yaweh's been gone for a while as soon as I realized that the biblical thing is going strong in this reality. Guy did set up a decent religious blessing global system before keeling over, so he's got some points there, but it's already starting to fall apart something fierce. That's what you get when you get over reliant on belief based systems. I'm surprised it still works, let alone manage to rope me into it as well as it did. Impressive, but that might be the Angels trying to keep it going in hindsight. I've found a few patchwork fixes in it in my spare time that clearly weren't part of the original design."

Azazel and Baraquiel turned pale. "Y-You've been looking at the old man's system from in there and saw the flaws?"

Ghost yawned as if it wasn't a big deal. "Well, yeah. I mean, there's not much to do in here when I'm not driving you guys nuts. Like I said, I'm a multiversal power. An unquestioned constant of everything that exists, conceptual or not. If your old man made a system that runs only a few things here in this world, then I'm an essential factor in all systems in every world. It would be embarrassing if I couldn't do this much. Hell, I could go literally omnipotent and omnipresent if I wanted to, but actually doing it sucks, and shutting it off gives me the mother of all headaches. So I don't."

"And yet you're stuck in a nine year old kid's arm." Azazel lamely stated out loud, more to himself than anyone else.

"… Not my greatest moment. I'll man up to that."

"Azazel. What are you thinking?" Baraquiel noticed the gleam in his superior's eyes. It was a look the man had when he was contemplating something that fit the lines of "high risk high reward".

"This… we could use this. This could be exactly what we need Baraquiel. To get Heaven to the table and seriously consider peace."

"Hah?" Issei, Ghost, and Baraquiel all tilted their heads to the side confused.

"Baraquiel, this guy can see the flaws of God's system. Probably better than anyone else, from inside young Issei here in Japan no less. Imagine what he could do if he had permission to visit Heaven. They could help with the upkeep of the entire system. Heck, they might…" Azazel hesitated. "… They might even be able to make it so that Angels can be born again."

"Michael would do anything for such a resource. For even a chance to make that happen again." The larger of the two realized where this was going.

"Not with Ophis protecting him they're not." The Governor reasoned.

"Am I going to have to start fearing for my life again soon? Because I'm starting to get tired of that." Issei shifted uncomfortably.

"Do you have emergency Ophis brownies in the house?"

"I made some yesterday."

"Then you should be good."

"Oh. Ok then. Never mind."

The Fallen Angels sweatdropped, unused to just how fast Issei had gotten used to and disregarded the idea of Heaven itself possibly coming for him. "Let's not get ahead of ourselves just yet. Ghost. The old man's system. Can you do anything to it from in Issei? Can you possibly fix any of the problems it has?"

"If you're asking if I can do something about it from here in Japan? Then no. the only things I can tweak are whatever the kid lays his Sacred Gear on. If you're asking if I could do anything to it while stuck in the kid if he was in Heaven? Then… maybe. Depends what you want fixing. Correcting large complex conceptual systems is more my siblings' specialties to be honest. I'm unfortunately more of an "obliterate everything to preconception" kinda existence. I still might be able to help you out, for a price."

The two Fallen's excitement turned to worry. "What do you want?"

"I'll consider helping you guys out if you can answer this one question." Ghost's tone was ominous.

"And that is?" Baraquiel grimaced, hoping it didn't have to do with breasts this time.

"I've been looking at the mortal history of the world with the kid. Heaven's got all the Catholics and Muslims and the like, Devils get pretty much everyone that's interested in working with them, but after seeing how humanity has progressed and how the wars have turned out, I just need to know for sure."

Everything was ominously quiet.

"You guys got the Jews, didn't you?"

Everything was awkwardly quiet.

"Pft. AHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Azazel burst out laughing.

"Ugh." Baraquiel groaned. "Those guys? Again? Seriously? The conversation just had to go in that direction?"

Why? Why did nearly every conversation always go back to the Jews? They aren't even that interesting! The only reason why Azazel even bothered to invest in them in the first place was because they were the only group in the biblical factions' influence that were allowed to work in banking and loans. The Fallen needed a wide spread group of people to test his money laundering schemes to manipulate the other factions and the war itself.

Even then, it took those guys over a thousand years to catch on to what Azazel had been doing and finally start doing it themselves starting with Napoleon. Personally, he thought that the whole preconception that all Jews were evil and trying to control the world when it took them so long to figure out something so simple was just embarrassing for everyone involved. It had gone past a bad joke and was now just annoying.

As far as he was concerned, they were just another demographic of humans. The leaders were half corrupt bare minimum, the minority were screwing things up in one way or another, and the majority just wanted to get on with their damn lives without getting screwed over. Same as everyone else. Same as it's always been.

"He didn't say no! That means I'm right! I fucking called it!"

"And you said getting them on our side wasn't worth the trouble!" Azazel pointed to Baraquiel, roaring in victory. "Best gamble I ever made! Even if it did take almost two millennia to cash in! And here I thought that the best payoff from it was pissing Michael off when I got my hands on Jerusalem! Hahahaha!"

Issei decided to avoid any conversation about religion from that point onward if he could help it. It just wasn't worth the headache.

o. o. o.

Present Day:

It didn't take Issei as long as he first thought to find his way home despite the lack of a GPS.

Part of it was due to the fact that Kuoh Academy was pretty easy to identify from the air. Determining where he was in relation to the school was easy once he knew where the damn school was in the first place.

Part of it was due to the fact that there were so many people in his home. He didn't know why, but whenever a stranger or too many people were at his place, he'd instantly know of it and instinctively head towards its direction. He didn't know why his instincts acted this way, but it was annoying. It got so bad it was hard to think sometimes.

Like now for example.

It was like an entire crowd was having a party on his grave.

By the time he got to the front door, his nerves were shot to the point that he was suffering from involuntary contractions all over his body.

In layman's terms, he was twitching something fierce.

He opened the door quietly and snuck inside. Despite his actions, his apprehension only grew as he entered the building and heard all the noise from the conversations taking place.

He could handle it at school. People were supposed to be there in large numbers. It was expected there. Natural. It wasn't his territory, so why should he care who goes there and who doesn't?

Here though, it was too many. There were way too many people in his den. It wasn't right. It's not normal for it to be like this.

"… Issei? Is that you?"

At some point he had stopped to rest against the wall to deal with his frayed nerves, giving those inside time to notice that he had arrived. Thankfully, it was his mother that noticed him first. The only familiar voice of the lot that he wasn't on guard against.

Unfortunately, that also brought everyone's attention on him.

Why didn't he spend all night fighting Fallen Angels to the death again?

He shook his head to clear his thoughts. "… Yeah. Yeah, I'm back. Had to take a detour, so it took me a while."

"You got lost again, didn't you?" Asami deadpanned.

"No." Maybe.

"About time." Raynare shot him a dry look. "We spent all that time going shopping while holding a lost Nun's hand in public the entire time and we still got back before you. Somehow we stood out more and had more people staring at us than if you had been with us."

Ah shit. That's right. The brownies. He had almost forgotten about them due to the crows and the Ninja Puppy.

"Don't worry. Everything's in the kitchen." Asami spoke up the instant she saw Issei's eyes dilate in pure horror. There were few things that terrified her son that weren't related to his numerous traumas. Angering Ophis was one of them. Or could that be considered a trauma in itself?

He calmed down slightly at his mother's words. Good. That meant that he didn't have to waste much time preparing things beforehand.

His mind paused for a moment as he realized a discrepancy.

In the living room, all his guests from earlier and his mother were sitting with tea in front of them. And the slightly less nervous Ninja Puppy who had situated herself next to his mother.

It was almost eight at night.

"Is something the matter?" Rias asked, noting the muted look of confusion on his face.

"No one's eaten yet?"

It was the way he asked that indicated that he was unsure how he felt about the subject or what he should feel about the answer regardless of what it was.

It took a moment for his question to register with everyone before they all looked at one another, just as confused.

"I guess not." Saji shrugged with half a smile.

"Ara. It's that late? Time flies when you're having interesting conversations." Akeno smiled as if hiding a great secret. "Of course, we were also surprised when the others came back with Asia-chan and not you."

"It's quite fortunate that your mother learned how to speak Italian in college, Hyoudou-kun." Sona shifted her glasses in a way that clearly indicated that she disapproved of the situation.

"You make it sound like I didn't know what I was doing when that idiot pigeon forced me to adopt the Ninja Puppy." Did he really look like the sort of asshole that would take in people that he was incapable of communicating with?

Still it was lucky that Asami was trilingual. English was common enough, but finding someone that spoke decent Italian in Japan was extremely rare. The only reason why his mother learned it was because of her best friend from college was a linguistics major from Europe. Said friend had been his neighbor up until he was five or six before moving away to England.

Come to think of it, he had been friends with the woman's kid before they moved away, hadn't he?

Whatever. It wasn't as if it mattered. In the end, that guy's name was just the first in a long list of people that left him behind.

"Ninja Puppy?"

At once, Gasper, Saji, and Raynare all pointed to the very confused Asia.

"Eh?"

Rias, Akeno, and Sona blinked, looking at Issei and Asia several times in bewilderment.

Sona snapped out of it first. "How do you function?"

"With enough porn to make even the pope jealous… and before anyone asks, no, that wasn't a jab at the Church's longtime inability to deal with or admit to the existences of pedophiles in their ranks. This time." Issei grumbled, walking around everyone to get to the kitchen.

"This time?"

"Did he just say something about the Pope?" Asia looked around confused. "I'm pretty sure he said Pope."

"You're making brownies already?" Asami tried to get everyone onto a topic that wouldn't aggravate Issei or question the morals of one of the world's religious leaders.

"With this many people here at this time?" He paused to give everyone a calculating look. Nine total, including him. Most were devils of upper class, but they weren't the ones that mattered right now. "I'm making dinner. There's too many for anything elaborate, and the Ninja Puppy's probably in no mood for it even if I did make something like that. I'm just going to make some pho with the works for everyone. Any complaints?"

His declaration caught everyone flat footed.

"Pho?" Rias paused, trying to remember the dish. While she was a fan of Japanese culture and knowledgeable about Asian based myths in general, she wasn't knowledgeable about other eastern cultures.

"It's a popular Vietnamese comfort food Rias. Think of it as a cousin to ramen, only the noodles are rice based instead of wheat and more meat. The broth is lighter as well." Akeno clarified. "Although, if I recall correctly, said broth does take a while to make."

"We have some stock in the cabinets. It should be enough for everyone." Issei waved off her concerns before pausing at the kitchen door.

"I've had pho before when I ordered delivery. It's really good." Gasper threw in his two cents.

"I'm not picky." Saji shrugged.

"Anybody against having beef?" Issei asked from the kitchen door, getting a bunch of neutral responses. "Beef it is. You guys can pick your own garnishes and toppings once you get your servings."

He didn't even pause before entering the next room.

"That boy." Asami sighed. "Even when he's being considerate and hospitable, he can be such an ass sometimes."

"Um." Asia spoke up in confusion in Italian. "What happened? What did he say?"

Asami blushed in embarrassment. "Oh! Sorry. Issei just said that he was making dinner. He's making something called pho. Its noodles in a light soup. I think he was thinking of you when he decided on that, even if he would never admit it."

A lost girl in a new country that she didn't know the language to. Living in the home of people she had just met. All after being accused of heresy and kicked out of the only life and home she knew.

And the first meal she would have here was comfort food. Easy on the tongue. Easy on the stomach.

The Devils and Fallen Angel in the room all glanced at one another, all listening to Asami's words as clear as day.

o. o. o.

"Onions. Beef. Scallops. Beans…" Issei muttered the list of ingredients that were going into the night's meal as the stock heated up. It would take a while for the massive pot to boil, but he wasn't in a rush. Focusing on cooking was a good way to distract himself from the crowd in the next room.

He could easily multitask if he wanted to, but thinking about troublesome things was counterproductive in more than one way.

Plus, the last time he had tried that when stressed beyond his limits, he had accidentally cut himself something fierce. He healed the wound without problems, but it still fucking hurt.

"Hmmm? I'm impressed. You look like you have everything covered."

Thankfully, he didn't have a knife in hand this time.

"You didn't think I could cook?" He briefly glanced at Akeno standing by the doorway with the perpetual fake smile on her face.

"Maybe. I was more curious how you'd manage preparing for so many people at once." She didn't falter.

Next to him, the giant pot of soup stock was heating up. It would have taken a while to get that much to a solid boil, but it was nothing that couldn't be solved by temporarily Boosting the Pot's heat transfer coefficient a couple of times.

If she noticed how unusual it was that the stock was already boiling after a few minutes, she didn't bother to point it out.

"I can't stand being near people. I am, in fact, perfectly capable of accounting for them when I do things." He began to cut the onions with a sharp looking cleaver.

"So I see." She seemed content watching him cook with a curious eye. "A bit of a change in topic, but Sona was correct when she said that we were surprised when young Asia-chan came back with the others instead of you."

"Didn't Cougar or Ninja Puppy tell you what happened?"

Akeno had to hold back a chuckle at the names. She would never let that bitch Raynare live her moniker down, and Asia's was just so silly it was cute. "No. Your mother has been doting over Asia-chan as soon as she received an edited version of her predicament. We haven't had an opportunity to speak to her in private. As for your other tenant, you know how she can be."

True to form, Issei paused to breathe deeply to calm himself down. He knew that he was going to be asked about this eventually. It was too big of a curve ball to not inquire about as soon as possible. "Fine. Fine. Just, get Weeb, Enabler, and Cougar in here. I don't want to repeat myself for this."

Akeno stayed for a few extra moments, as if seeing something that genuinely interested her, before leaving. A few moments later, she came back followed by three others.

"Your mother is an exceptional host." Sona stated as she positioned herself by the fridge.

"And I'm an insufferable asshole. Insinuate something I don't know." Issei jumped to what he felt was the next most relevant statement, not breaking step as he moved to prepare the next few ingredients.

"You do realize that we originally came here to see how you were doing." Rias crossed her arms under her bust. "And that you were a major topic of conversation while you were out."

"I figured as much. Not hard to notice when someone's trying to hide pity when looking at you." He didn't need to see them to know that they had flinched at his words. "… So how much do you know?"

The room was dead silent for a few long moments before Sona broke it. "That you were assaulted, and subsequently accused of being the attacker. The accusations brought unwanted attention to you and led to experiencing, further issues and trials."

"Someone's clearly interested in politics and public speaking." Issei rolled his eyes. That was probably the most white-washed and bland description of what he's gone through to date. He was almost impressed at how boring she made it sound.

"You sound like one of those old humans making public speeches that are dead on the inside. Can you be any more pedantic?" Raynare deadpanned at the embarrassed Sitri, voicing his thoughts.

Though to be honest, he was more surprised that the Cougar had actually used the word pedantic in conversation in the first place.

"I'm trying to be considerate." The School President blushed. "How would you say it then?"

"I was fucked up. Then the bitch that fucked me screamed to everyone that I fucked her up, whoring herself to anyone that she could get her hands on. Then she, the media, and the courts fucked me in turns over a year, dragging me over coals and spikes the entire time. The only periods I was given breaks was when attention was shifted to attack people that were trying to support me, friends and family, until they either ran away or joined in fucking me. Most of them didn't even wait before jumping ship. All of which resulting in a titanic perpetual bareback gangbang orgy that rendered me into the used pathetic mess that is cooking your dinner."

He turned around to shoot the girls a very annoyed glare. "And in case you weren't told, the ones that left me to get screwed include, but are not limited to, the Satans, Zaz, and a couple of those dozen white winged hypocrites up in the sky that do nothing but sit on their hands."

Rias' brother and Sona's Sister.

It was a crude story, but more concerning to the girls than the story itself, was the subtext.

Someone wanted Issei specifically.

Someone important wanted Issei bad enough that they had and used enough power to force the leaders of the three major factions away from his side.

There were not a lot of individuals or organizations that had that sort of pull.

Suddenly, the Satan's insistence that the girls try to connect with Issei without telling them the whole story was beginning to make more sense.

In the world of politics, sometimes knowing too much hurt more than it helped.

Raynare, on the other hand, did not come to the same conclusion as the Devils. "Humph. Being yelled at by a bunch of people for something you didn't do and being left alone? That's all? That's all it took to make you go ballistic?"

"Ballistic?" Rias frowned in confusion, recovering from Issei's rant. It was an odd choice of words that clearly indicated that the Fallen was referring to something specific.

Issei paused in his cooking, his grip tightening hard on the knife he was holding before relaxing again. "… Cougar, so help me, I have already cut you off from your booze. Don't make me cut you somewhere else."

"Her booze?" Everyone turned to Raynare, who at least had the decency to look like a kid with their hand caught in the cookie jar.

"I-I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Sure you don't. Just like you have nothing to do with the small pocket dimension under your bed that you keep most the shit you sneak in here, including those cheap ass dildos you use to pleasure yourself with every night that you don't happen to wind up blackout drunk."

"I, wait a sec! You've been sneaking in my room?!"

The teen shot her an incredulous look. "What part of blackout drunk didn't you get? I didn't have to sneak for shit. Do you know how many times I've had to hold your hair back so you could blow chunks into the toilet and not everywhere else in the house at three in the morning? I've literally had to drag and clean your lazy ass across the house half a dozen times since you've got here."

Raynare was displaying an interesting mix of emotions, ranging from pure humiliation to absolute rage. It was hard to tell if the gestures she was making with her hands were an unconscious attempt to curse him or her visualizing some half assed torture routine.

"I cook your food. I get your mail. I clean your room. I even clean those cheap welfare sticks you call sex toys out of fear that you'd get or spread a venereal disease in the house if they are exposed for too long. Not that you'd ever notice. How you ever functioned on your own, let alone manage to get back to the house every night, is a mystery that only God would be able been able to figure out."

The four girls could only gape in response to Issei's rant, all for different reasons.

Judging from the killing intent that Raynare was giving off, her silence was fueled by blinding rage.

"Fu. Fufufu. Ahahahaha." Surprisingly enough, it was Akeno that recovered first in a fit of laughter.

"Akeno?" Rias turned to her Queen in genuine surprise.

"He really is how Asami-san described him, isn't he?" The giggling girl smiled, clearly amused, though no one missed the vindictive look she shot at Raynare's direction. "He cooks. He cleans. He holds your hair back. It's like he's the world's most vulgar caretaker. Quite ironic since you are supposed to be the one keeping an eye on him."

Judging from the comedic flat footed expression Issei had, it was clear that he had expected Akeno's reaction as much as everyone else.

"I. Am going. To Kill. All of you." Raynare's words were less of a response and more of an unconscious reaction, complete with radiating unholy energy.

Rias was next to recover, allowing herself a few chuckles as well. "Hmm? I suppose you have a point. When you put it like that, it almost makes Issei look endearing. It also helps that he is rather cute when he isn't scowling."

Like now for example. True, he was more stunned than flattered, but it didn't hide the fact that there was a faint blush of embarrassment on his cheeks.

"I wonder. When you carried her to her room, did you treat her like a princess?" Akeno clearly was on a roll, though in hindsight it probably wasn't the best idea seeing how apocalyptic the Fallen was at the moment.

"I had to…" Issei had the decency to turn away while Raynare was spouting incomprehensible words, completely in disbelief.

"Eeeh? What was that? I couldn't hear you Issei." Rias joined in on the fun.

"I said I had to carry her that way! The first time I tried lugging her upstairs via fireman carry, she spewed all over the steps and my backside! She acts like she can hold her booze but in reality she has the tolerance and self-control of a college freshman!" Issei snapped, his face crimson and his eyes completely focused on cooking again.

It was a good thing that he made a habit of making sure the house was well stocked with cleaning supplies, and vinegar. There were few things that couldn't be cleared up between the two. After that, and half a can of air cleaner, the only evidence of the chunks that the Fallen Angel spewed were in the garbage bin outside.

Half an hour later, he had to get up for school. He had been very cranky that day.

Rias and Akeno couldn't resist their knee jerk reactions and burst out laughing.

Even Sona thought it was amusing if her poor attempt at hiding her smile was any indication.

"It's not funny! Do you know how sensitive a Dragon's nose is?! Half my face felt like it was on fire the entire time I was cleaning it up!" Issei didn't think it was amusing, pouting like a small child.

"You lying little creep! I don't remember you helping me with anything at all!" Raynare pointed accusingly at her host, finally snapping out of her stunned state.

He shot her a dry glare. "Blackout. Drunk. It's in the name. If there's one thing I learned from spending so much time with Zaz, it was to always have evidence for blackmail material. I have pictures and dates of each time I bailed your ass from your benders. Call my bluff. I dare you."

Akeno and Rias laughed even harder. Sona wasn't even trying to hide her amusement now.

"I. But. Why the hell didn't you say anything then?!" The Fallen was grasping at straws now, filled with both anger and genuine bewilderment.

Issei opened his mouth to say something before surprisingly cutting himself off prior to the first word. Instead, he visibly forced himself to calm down with one of his many deep breath routines that seemed to sap the energy from his body, and turned back to his cooking. He was almost finished preparing his toppings, having put the onions in ice water to keep it crispy, spread out the strips of beef in a neat line, and chopped up the rest of the condiments that needed it for the dish. Turning to the stove, he inspected another smaller pot of boiling water, which was going to be used for the noodles exclusively.

"Because, believe it or not, I'm not a complete dick. There's no point in pissing you off, and you don't have anything that I want. If you want to keep making a fool of yourself every night, go ahead. Just keep me out of it."

It was the way he said it that killed some of the mirth in the room. The hint of defeat and exhaustion in his tone that indicated that he really had lost interest in enjoying life or taking any form of risk anymore.

Raynare tried to say something in response, but the words died in her mouth. It was really hard to argue against Issei sometimes, especially when his emotions turned on a dime like they did.

Sona coughed. "I-it appears that we have gotten a bit off track. Hyoudou. The others have explained to us what they know about Argento's situation, but it clearly pales in comparison to what you know. I doubt I have to explain why Rias and I are more than interested in all of this."

"Yeah yeah. Three factions and ceasefire." Issei broke out several bags of sticky rice noodles and started to prepare them. "Don't blame the Ninja Puppy. She's as harmless and oblivious as she looks. She's not a threat to anyone. The worst she'll do to you guys is recite passages from the bible out of habit while you're around by accident."

"Been there done that." Raynare sighed, recalling how the girl gave her thanks when Asami gave her drinks and snacks with everyone in the room.

"Gasper said that you called Seraph Michael, in person." Rias got to the point. "Did he really say that she was going to stay with you?"

"Yeah. Not my first choice either, believe me." It didn't take long to warm up the noodles, but he was serving nine people at once. He was going to have to keep the first few batches in longer than normal to ensure that they stayed hot.

Sona shifted her glasses. "Why? If you were against it, why did you go with such plans? You are, for lack of a better term, stubborn as a dragon at times."

Issei prepared the bowls. Thankfully, despite rarely having people over, he had enough for everyone available. "Because some genius thought it was a smart idea to start some over convoluted stunt at the Church to get the Ninja Puppy excommunicated, then use a third party to kidnap her when she was being escorted outside of Church property and send her here of all places for a likely pickup to the retard that got her in trouble in the first place. Idiots can't plan adequately for shit. They didn't even try to keep an eye on her while she was travelling by plane."

All the girls froze in surprise. "W-what?"

He glanced at the girls with a dry look. "I already talked to the unfortunate scrubs that were here to grab her. Long story short, if they do something stupid, one way or another they are dead. Things are set up in a way that I wouldn't even need to lift a finger against them to ruin their lives at this point. That's not the main problem you should be worried about though. If I were you, I'd be more concerned about the Church."

"The Church?" Akeno frowned in confusion, trying to keep up with the boy. "Why? You just said that she's excommunicated. Why would they be interested in her now?"

Issei turned away to focus on cooking again. It wouldn't be long until everything was ready. "Asia Argento. Bearer of the Sacred Gear, Twilight Healing. Her unconditional ability to heal wounds is unmatched by anything short of Phoenix Tears. Weeb. Enabler. You two have researched Sacred Gears in anticipation of finding users for your Peerages, correct? Tell me, what do you know of the previous users of Twilight Healing?"

"Twilight Healing? She has that rare Sacred Gear?" Rias blinked in surprise, her eyes shimmering with excitement.

Sona on the other hand, was not distracted. Instead, she frowned in confusion, her mind trying to figure out what Issei was getting at. "Previous users? What does that have to do with our current situation? As far as I know, all the previous wielders have been praised for their natural healing abilities. More often than not, they're revered as… wait. You mean!?"

"Sona-san? Is something the matter?" Akeno didn't like the look of worry on the Sitri's face.

"They were revered as Holy Maidens and Saints." Sona whispered, dumbfounded.

"Isn't that a given?" Raynare frowned in confusion.

"You don't understand. The ones that were identified were ALL were revered as great healers. Of the Church." Sona elaborated gravely.

Rias got the point instantly. "You mean…"

Issei was the only person in the room that wasn't surprised by the revelation, having learned of it years ago. "Offensive oriented Sacred Gears are a dime a dozen. Even the Longinus are no exception. Their versatile abilities are more often than not used for attacking and destruction than anything else. Genuine support Sacred Gears, on the other hand, are not that easy to come across. Ones that heal even less so. Wars can only be sustained so long as there are able bodies on both sides. Humans, while we breed like rabbits compared to those that dwell in myth, are vastly squishier than the competition. The strong ones are no exception, and are vastly more difficult to come across."

"The Church has been monopolizing Twilight Healing to maintain their numbers." Rias realized the bottom line. "When one user dies, they instantly try to locate and control the next. But, that would mean that if a user did not agree with working for the Church, or could not be controlled…"

"They were kidnapped or killed. Three alone in the past two centuries. Bare minimum." Issei bluntly finished her assumption while scooping noodles into separate bowls.

"How do you even know that in the first place?" Raynare couldn't believe where this was going. "You just met the klutz only a few hours ago. Half of what you just said sounds like classified information that would take weeks to access."

He paused to think his words over. "I spent some time with Zaz before I went nuts. Learning and, other things. Some of it involved Sacred Gear research. Not a lot, and nothing particularly illegal, but enough that I had clearance to some of the Grigori's research archives. He had been interested in looking at Twilight Healing for a time, but he gave up pretty quickly after a bit of digging. Even among the Sacred Gears that the Church tends to try and keep hold of, that one is one of the most valuable to them. Even above most of the Longinus."

He didn't tell them that he had tried to meet Asia in person once. Both to see her and to examine how her Sacred Gear works. He was envious of what she could accomplish with her powers. But, the Church was beyond bullish when it came to the girl, even after he had gotten Michael's blessing to see her.

In the end, he did manage to say a few words to her and shake her hand. Literally, that was it. She had been at a charity event that reminded him of a book signing. People lined up to say their few words of gratitude, blessings, prayers, whatever, before getting pushed away by the assholes in security like they were on a factory line.

He doubted that she remembered him. It was probably for the best that she didn't.

"So, what you're saying is that you have one of the unofficial pillars of the Church's military might in your home." Akeno summarized.

"And am cooking her noodles. That, and she likely doesn't have a clue what's going on." Issei added, moving to the broth.

"Rias. This could be a problem." Sona shot her friend a worried look. "If she's that important, sooner or later, the Church will find out about this."

"Didn't they say that Archangel Michael gave his blessing? If that is true, why would they risk going against the Angel's requests?" Akeno asked.

"It wouldn't be the first time that the Church has acted against Heaven's orders." Rias shook her head. "They know that the Angels needs them as much as the other way around. If they are as adamant on maintaining control over Twilight Healing as Issei made it out to be, it wouldn't be difficult to imagine them arranging "accidents" or hiring a third party to do the deed anonymously."

"Mhm." Issei was tuning them out now, having already determined that much back at the park.

He didn't tell them that technically, the Angels were more than capable of spinning a dozen or so half-truths what could possibly stay the Church's hand if they moved quickly enough.

It's not like the Angels didn't have oh, say, a couple thousand years of experience misleading humanity doing just that.

In reality, he put the odds of the Church actually doing something drastic way out here during a ceasefire at a mere ten percent at most. There hadn't been any major skirmishes between the Major factions in years, and Japan was more or less neutral territory because it was just too out of the way for anyone in the Western Religions to care about.

Ironically, the latest big event that encompassed all three said groups was when, as Raynare so eloquently put it earlier, he went ballistic in the underworld.

The whole point of telling the girls of Asia's position in the first place, other than to distract them from talking about him in particular, was simply to make them aware that things could go bad, even if it was extremely unlikely. To light a metaphorical fire under their supple, creamy asses.

He was more than fine to let them continue to brainstorm on their own until…

"We might not be prepared for this. Not if they get desperate enough to send some of their stronger members." Rias bit her thumbnail in worry before remembering something. "Issei, during our excursion last week, before you left, you said that you were going to train my Peerage. Is that an open invitation? Can Sona and her peerage join as well?"

Huh. That was unexpected.

He thought that the Weeb wouldn't be able to get to that point until after dinner.

At the very least, he expected the girls to bounce ideas off of one another first before relying on the lowly human in the room. Maybe there was distrust between the two High Rank Devils?

"Rias?" Sona appeared to be as confused as Issei.

"Our siblings wouldn't have been so wary of him if he was weak, Sona." Rias explained before turning to her host. "I thought a lot about what happened last week Issei, and you're right. I got full of myself and let my guard down. We all did. The fact that you and Gasper got involved with the stray should never have happened in the first place. But, I noticed something else during the debacle. When things were bad, even when you were attacked, you were still calm. You were more agitated by the fact that Viser was touching you in general more than being in any actual danger. No, she didn't even register as a threat to you, did she?"

There was a quiet pause, with all eyes on Issei.

"… I don't think, that there is a single semi rational person on this planet, or its parallels, that wouldn't be alarmed about being shoved face first into a giant fanged pussy soaked with acidic vaginal discharge."

The room was quiet for an entirely different reason.

"A giant fanged what?" Sona blinked owlishly, her eyes were so wide that it was clear that she was having trouble processing what she had just heard.

"I take it you glossed over some details."

"I told her enough!" Rias fumed, with a blush on her cheeks.

"You told me he was eaten!" Sona accused.

"He was! Technically."

"Smooth." Raynare deadpanned.

"She certainly didn't gloss over your physical state after you got out. Or the related details." Akeno smiled scandalously.

"Akeno!"

"Sona seemed to be interested about her side notes as well."

"Akeno!" This time Sona was blushing.

"She was disappointed that she can look but can't touch."

"Now you're just making things up!"

"Am I?"

"Yes!"

"Dinner."

"Finally."

"No! … Wait what?"

"I, am not sure if I should eat after what I just heard." Sona was still in a semi stunned state.

"Sounds like a dilemma that's not mine. Funny, with Sera as your sister I thought that you'd be able to eat after seeing and hearing disturbing things." Issei, holding a tray with several bowls of pho, and toppings, moved out the kitchen.

"I fail to see how my sister dressing and acting the way she does is in any way comparable to your exploits Hyoudou!" Sona snapped at the closing door.

"Fufufu." Akeno couldn't help but laugh at the Sitri's frustrated disposition. "Considering your reaction, I'm somewhat leaning on his side on the argument."

"Don't you start too!"

"Calm down Sona." Rias smiled, leaning back in her seat. "You know what he's trying to do."

Of course she knew. All three devil girls knew. Asami had told them just a few hours earlier about Issei's habits and tics after all.

It was a good thing Akeno had brought that container of the tea that knocked Issei out with her. A quick explanation of what it was had the young mother looking at the thing like it was filled with gold.

If that wasn't awkward enough, once handed the container, she cradled it like it was a newborn child.

The girls were starting to see where Issei had gotten some of his eccentricity from.

Once calm, Asami had vaguely gone over what had happened to her son in a story that had more holes than Swiss cheese. Doing so, she had given the girls a better understanding of his psyche. They had more questions than answers now, but at least they had a better idea of how to deal with Issei.

The incident that destroyed him did more damage than most could imagine, let alone handle. At the age of twelve, he had been assaulted and dragged through the mud by someone he trusted. Then the same person made an effort to literally ream apart everything positive in Issei's life in order to make themselves look good in the public eyes. Friends that knew the truth left his side to join hers. Accomplishments that he had made were ripped away from him. Money and assets that he had worked hard to accumulate were confiscated as evidence. His dreams and good intentions either thrown in his face or used against him to make him look like a deranged psychopath that was a danger to society.

Even his family had not come away from it unscathed.

Issei was an intelligent boy, with a drive to do great things. But, after all his hard work and good intentions, not only did everything he built crumble apart in his hands, but the very world around him collapsed as well.

It wasn't a matter of starting from zero again. For him, "zero" had meant starting with a warm home with his parents, where his name wasn't hated by scores of people and blacklisted by entire organizations. At least at "zero", he had still been happy.

Special. That was what everyone said he was. Talented. Bright. Smart. Gifted. All those praises and more had been showered on him at a young age. He didn't let it go to his head, but at the same time, he knew he wasn't normal either. Thanks to Azazel, Sirzechs, and others, he had been surrounded by other people that weren't of the norm for a time, but after everyone left, after everything had been stripped of him, after there was no one capable around that could help and knew just how unfair things had been made for him…

… He started blaming himself.

No one wants him. He was a monster. Everything he did would only cause problems for those around him. Everything was his fault.

Normal people didn't understand or want to understand him. He wasn't normal.

Important people did not want to or could not waste their time and resources to help him. He was not important.

He should just be left alone. It was for the best for him. It was for the best for everyone.

The only time he would be needed was if he could provide something of value to others. They were never there for him. It would never be for him. He wasn't worth it.

Corrupted thoughts of that nature flooded his heart, further terrifying and isolating him from the rest of the world to the point that he had been horrified at the mere idea of conversing with others for a time.

He had stabilized since then, however it was far from a full recovery. That day, at the end of his ordeal, Issei Hyoudou had been completely broken. He had pulled himself together somewhat since then, but to those that knew him beforehand, it was clear that some pieces of him were no longer there. He was still very far from whole.

When it came to people, he was beyond uncomfortable. The only positive relationships that didn't wind up horrifically traumatizing him in one way or another were so sparse that Asami could count them on one hand with fingers to spare. Literally. Said relationships were also apparently with people very much twisted in their own way.

Case and point, Ophis was one of them, and Issei was terrified of pissing her off.

It didn't help that when Rias made a comment that Asami was also one of the people that Issei trusted, the woman went silent in a way that didn't bode well.

Clearly, there was an unknown rift between the mother and son that they did not want others to know about.

Because of his extreme discomfort, the young man was in a near perpetual state of "fight or flight", and in hindsight, it reflected how he interacted with people to the letter.

His first method that he fell back to the most whenever possible was "flight". He kept quiet and stayed the hell away from others in general. Simple enough.

It was only when he couldn't avoid people and had to interact that he switched to his more infamous "fight" mode. His normal approach was to blind whoever he was with with outlandish facts or stories to turn the subject away from himself before forcing it into a direction that everyone deemed important, giving him enough time and room to be forgotten as something less important than the topic at hand. A very crude, but very effective approach to the infamous bait and switch tactic using his targets' emotions and interests against them.

It was a cowardly thing to do, but Issei was damn good at it. His intelligence, personality, and sharp eyes tended to enable him to make connections that others couldn't, in an instant. It was rare to ever find him without something to say on the fly, both as a distraction and as a more important subject to discuss, all in order to keep people away.

That wasn't to say that he tried to steer things in a way that would significantly hurt others. If something was genuinely important, even if he didn't like it, he would still bring up the matter in his own way. But, conversely, if he thought it was an issue he could and would rather handle on his own than talk about, he would put it to the back of everyone's minds and deal with it personally while everyone's backs were turned.

Anything to keep himself out of the spotlight or ensure that he wasn't at risk of catching the attention of more people.

Having been trained in politics and subterfuge that was the standard in upper class Devil society, Rias, Sona, and Akeno were more than able to catch onto what Issei was doing the second he started being his rude self again.

They weren't particularly prepared for it at times, but they weren't fooled by it.

That being said, they didn't fight it. They didn't point it out. They didn't press their original topics that he had tried to avoid. They just went with the flow of things and waited to see where it went.

It would take some time, but it was the first step they needed to take in order to let Issei let his guard around them. To trust them.

Still…

"I didn't expect that girl to be the harbinger of so much trouble. No, to expect an excommunicated nun to just appear in our territory, in Japan, out of the blue is beyond fantastical by itself. The fact that she is a Sacred Gear holder, let alone important to the Church, can be considered simply redundant at this point." Sona frowned in thought. "Twilight Healing. To think that it held that much value. The more I think about it, the more astounded I am that no one knew about this sooner."

"I know. It makes me want her in my Peerage even more." Rias sighed.

"I wouldn't try anything if I were you Rias." Akeno gave her King an unreadable look. "Focus. As aloof as he might be, I somehow doubt that Issei would take it well if you made a move on her anytime soon without a valid reason."

"Don't treat me like a child Akeno." She puffed her cheeks out like a child.

"Yes well, it doesn't hurt to remind you sometimes, Rias-sama. You do have trouble keeping your hands to yourself sometimes. Ufufu."

"Akeno!"

"Get her some handcuffs then."

"Eh?" Rias' head snapped to where Issei was already preparing the second set of bowls. She hadn't seen him enter the room at all.

"Handcuffs. Hand restraints. Zip ties. Leather cat paws. Duct Tape. Chinese finger torture. Rope. Things to keep another person's hands in place. Take your pick." He half ignored them as he was focused on his task. "But whatever you decide on, do it after dinner. It's hard to eat this stuff with them on and I don't want to clean up any more than I have to."

"Speaking from experience?" Akeno didn't miss a beat.

Issei paused and looked up with glazed eyes, as if getting lost in a distant memory. "… Sometimes it just isn't worth being creative while making bets."

"Fufu. I don't know. I'm somewhat curious what seeing you in handcuffs would look like."

The young teen shivered as his memories grew more vivid. "I forced myself to be double jointed that day out of necessity."

Glenoid Labrum, Proximal radioulnar, and Glenoid torn. Pectoral and Trapezius muscle damage, not to mention all the hairline fractures in all his bones from his clavicles to his radii and ulna. It had taken him over a week, even with his abilities in white magic at the time to fully recover from that ordeal.

It was a bad day to lose a bet while out of brownies. Fucking Azazel and cheating Fallen Angels.

"Somehow, I don't think his mind went the direction you intended, Akeno." Rias smiled uncomfortably, getting a shallow nod of agreement from Sona.

"Now I'm more curious as to what amusing stories he's been hiding from us." The accused, contrary to expectations, appeared to be even more interested in Issei after her slip up, the hunger and excitement in her eyes was hard to miss.

"Oh will you shut up? Keep it in your pants." Raynare cut her off, getting up from her seat and moving to the dining room. "Honestly, brats get off on anything these days. Even our idiot host isn't that desperate to get off the second he feels something remotely warm and tingly."

"I don't masturbate." As if set to autopilot, Issei once again stated his abstinence to self-pleasure. After hearing it so many times though, everyone in the room just as easily ignored it.

"Speaking of which. Jackass. If you stall any more with my food, I'll get Asami to bust out her photo album in front of everyone."

And like that he was in the next room with wide eyes of terror.

"Photo album?" The Devils looked at Raynare confused.

"Embarrassing and cute photos of him when he wasn't a total prick. He hates it when she shows it to others. He acts tough most of the time, but under all that bullshit, he's just a kid that gets flustered easily if you know what buttons to press. Problem is that most of those buttons are right next to the ones that make him unbearable." The Fallen elaborated as she followed him out the door.

Rias and Akeno made a mental note to get a peek at said book later as they went to the dining room and sat down to where their bowls were. The table was a bit crowded, as it was only designed for six people comfortably, but it could easily fit everyone if they made room…

"Issei?"

Everyone turned to Asami, who was looking at her son leaving for the kitchen again with a single bowl in hand.

"I'm barely holding it together having this many people here. Don't push it."

The door closed behind him.

"… I think he likes you." Asami stage whispered.

"I heard that woman!"

"Well someone has to be a decent host!"

"I just fucking cooked dinner!"

"Yeah, but I'm not the one they all came here for! You swapped our roles on purpose you insecure runt! If you're so happy with the setup, then I might as well be their classmate and you can be Daddy!"

"Daddy?" Most of the guests turned green.

"Fufufufu." Akeno, clearly not among most guests, giggled with a wicked gleam in her eye that was not missed by anyone.

"Hurk?!" The sound of someone choking was unmistakable, even from the other room.

"Um. What's going on? Why are you yelling?"