4. Chapter 4

Bailey insisted that Carina take the next day off, but by Friday she was back in the halls of Grey-Sloan, feeling much more like herself. Except for a light rasp in her throat, the smoke inhalation cleared quickly – though Maya hovered for nearly twenty-four hours, narrowing her eyes every time Carina coughed.

“Is it true you ran into a burning building?”

Carina looked up from the nurse’s station, finding Jo staring at her, clearly excited.

“Yes,” Carina said, a slow smile spreading across her face, as her protégé looked on in amazement.

“Ugh, of all days to miss! A preemie delivery surrounded by fire and pretty firefighters?”

Carina raised her eyebrows, still amused.

“Pretty firefighters?”

“You haven’t noticed that Station 19 is entirely staffed by super models?”

Carina shook her head. “If you knew them, you’d realize that they are very real, very crazy, very silly humans.”

She thought of one very real, very crazy, very silly human in particular and couldn’t help the affectionate half-smile that appeared on her face.

“Okay, but the interns are saying that your wife ran the baby out of the building half-naked!”

“What?” Carina started laughing. While Grey-Sloan functioned entirely on gossip, she wasn’t used to being its focus. Let alone her marriage.

“And she’s like a six-time Olympic champion or something?”

“Basta,” Carina said, “She’s a gold medalist and the only naked one was the baby.”

“And totally ripped…” Jo mumbled, blushing profusely when she realized that Carina overheard.

“And totally ripped,” Carina confirmed, setting down her chart.

“I’m never taking a day off again,” Jo sighed. Carina stood and passed Jo the tablet she’d just used.

“I’m off for lunch. If you need me…”

“Page you,” Jo finished, leaving Carina to her own thoughts.

~*~

She’d very much intended to spend her hour eating lunch in her office. But a short chat with one of her labour and delivery nurses led to a walk to the NICU, which is how Carina found herself standing next to Cormac Hayes looking at preemie babies.

She wasn’t a neonatologist or a pediatric surgeon, but there was something nice about seeing the little lives she’d helped deliver, especially when their births had been so dramatic.

Hayes pointed to the corner and Carina followed the line of his finger, her eyes widening when she realized what he was trying to show her.

“Say hello to Jamie,” Hayes said, guiding her towards the incubator. Carina was surprised to hear Cormac use the name. She was even more surprised to see the tag on the baby’s incubator that read “Jamie Doe,” “Jane” very clearly crossed out.

Carina took in the wires and tubes. The tiny chicken legs. The chest rising and falling. She reached her hand through one of the incubator’s openings and brushed one finger up and down the cutest foot she’d ever seen.

“She’s doing well, all things considered,” Hayes explained, obviously noticing the worried look on Carina’s face.

“No vent?”

“No. She’s breathing on her own for now. The mother was apparently illegally living with a boyfriend in the building. No name yet, but they’re working on it.”

Carina nodded, wanting to listen to her colleague, but enthralled by Jamie’s soft skin and her tiny toenails. She didn’t even notice Cormac walk away and it was only when a nurse appeared at her elbow that Carina realized she’d been so distracted.

“We just can’t get her heart rate to steady,” the nurse said, her voice pulling Carina from her trance.

“Hmm?”

“She does well with skin-to-skin, but we’re so short staffed…it’s not always easy to give her the time she needs.”

“Oh,” Carina said, “I could do it?”

The words came out before she thought them through. Jamie was so small and so alone and Carina felt oddly responsible for her. She hadn’t been able to save Jamie’s mamma, but Jamie deserved every chance. She deserved a full life.

A rocking chair appeared and then a blanket. Carina pulled off her scrub top and wrapped the blanket around her shoulders. When the nurse lifted Jamie from her incubator, Carina found herself holding her breath. The baby was no more than three pounds and she was connected to so many sensors and wires. She looked like a tiny puppet attached to strings.

It took some careful maneuvering, but soon the nurse lay Jamie on Carina’s chest, mindful not to jostle her IV or feeding tube.

“I’ll be back in a bit, Dr. DeLuca. Thank you so much – we’re really swamped today.”

The nurse quickly left to check another baby across the room and Carina glanced down, warmed by the sight of Jamie snuggled against her.

“Are you comfortable, Piccolina?” Carina whispered, one hand supporting Jamie’s tiny butt. She carefully stroked Jamie’s cheek with her fingertips and then her back, amazed by how light Jamie felt, but how sweet it was when Jamie flexed one hand against her skin.

Carina kept her voice low, lulled by the motion of the rocking chair. “You had a very scary start, didn’t you?”

Jamie was wearing a little hat and her eyes were covered with a mask, but Carina smiled affectionately at the button nose and the impossibly small cleft in the baby’s chin. It reminded her of Maya’s chin…

“Do you remember Maya? I will tell her you say ciao and that we are friends now.”

Jamie slept and Carina rocked back and forth until her phone buzzed thirty minutes later. She was due to deliver a set of triplets in the next hour and had to check on the mamma. But first Carina raised her phone and took a selfie. She wasn’t sure what inspired her to do it, she wasn’t sure why she didn’t ask the nurse to take Jamie back, she just wanted to hold onto the moment for a second longer.

With a quick text to Maya, Carina reluctantly shifted in her chair, sad to let Jamie go, wishing she could stay.

~*~

From the catwalk, Maya watched the captain’s office and seethed.

There was nothing to see. Beckett was inside, doing whatever it was that he did, and Maya was very much not included. She could feel the anger bubbling in her chest. It had been there since Natasha Ross dashed her hope and it was ignited once more when Beckett was reinstated. The only good thing to come out of the situation was Sullivan’s shocked face when Ross announced Beckett’s return.

Guess sleeping with the boss doesn’t get you everything you want…

Maya heard footsteps approaching, but didn’t bother to see who it was. When Jack appeared beside her, she barely acknowledged him.

“Trying to shoot lasers?” He asked, leaning on the railings with his forearms.

Maya grunted in response.

“Are you going to transfer stations?” Jack’s question surprised her, and she finally tore her eyes away from the barn.

“What?”

“Hey, I know you. I can see that you’re ready to set this place on fire. You’re not happy, Maya.”

“19 is my home,” was all she could think to say.

She didn’t want to leave. She didn’t want to run away. Maya Bishop did not run away. She ran forward.

“Carina doing okay?” Jack’s change of topic was a welcome relief, though thinking about Carina put a dent in Maya’s focus, which meant her anger subsided just enough for hurt to flood in.

“She’s good.”

“Big weekend plans?”

Small talk. Why did it have to be small talk? Maya grit her teeth and willed herself not to bark.

“Listen, Gibson, I get it. I appreciate the support. But we don’t need to do this,” she said.

“This?”

“I’m angry. I’m obviously angry and I’m tired of this department walking all over me and getting away with it. But there’s nothing I can do. They’ve tied my hands behind my back and now I have to figure out how to live with it. How to live with Beckett and Sullivan and Ross. Because if I don’t, then I can’t do this job. And this job is all I have.”

There was an awkward silence after she spoke. She watched Jack scratch the back of his head, his eyes squinting as he obviously weighed the risk of saying whatever it was that he wanted to say.

“That’s not true,” he said, folding his arms.

“Jack…”

“You have Carina. I get that you’re mad. I’m mad for you, but Bishop…don’t freeze her out.”

Sometimes it felt like there was too much to balance. Her marriage. Her job.

A baby…

Maya closed her eyes and exhaled.

“Please just…don’t, okay?” She didn’t want to discuss her marriage with Jack. Or anyone. And she certainly didn’t need a reminder of the words he’d said to her years before. Words that had sparked her anger so much that she’d nearly destroyed her entire world just to shut them out.

Jack sighed, but raised his hands in surrender. He gave her one last pointed look before heading towards the Beanery, leaving Maya alone again.

Am I freezing her out? Is that what I’m doing?

As if Carina sensed Maya’s thoughts, Maya’s phone vibrated, and when she checked the screen she found herself staring at a picture of her wife.

Of her wife and Jamie.

Carina: My lunch date

Maya looked at the image intently, confused by how it made her feel. Anxious. Wistful. Annoyed.

Carina looked happy and beautiful. It was good to see Jamie too even though all she could really see of the baby was a blue hat and tiny little hands against her wife’s tan chest.

Maya was not someone who cried often, but tears stung though she refused to let them fall. She was just so angry. She was so upset. And Carina, perfect, wonderful, Carina was caught in the crossfire.

Jack’s words had forced their way in, combining with every ounce of self-doubt and frustration already swirling around her body. She took a deep breath and then another before looking at her phone again.

The most beautiful face in the world stared back at her.

Maya: Should I be jealous?

Three dots appeared and Maya waited expectantly.

Carina: Never. You’re my favourite bambina, Bambina <3

Station 19 was Maya’s home. But Carina DeLuca was her universe.

~*~

Maya spent the rest of her shift in a strange mood. She could feel the tension within, as if two worlds were vying for space in her mind. The anger about her job swelled, but there was something else too…

Carina

As she opened the door to their apartment, the tension felt suffocating. She wanted to leave work behind, she wanted to forget Jack’s words, but she couldn’t quite figure out how to do either.

The shower in their bedroom was the only sound in the otherwise dark space. Maya locked the door and kicked off her shoes. She felt drawn forward, an aching need begging for attention. An aching need tinged with fear.

Have I been freezing her out?

Have I messed this up too?

Carina’s back was to the bathroom door when Maya entered, but the sound of Maya’s feet against the tiles drew her attention. At the sight of Maya she smiled, a smile Maya felt she didn’t deserve at all.

“Ciao, Bella,” Carina said, standing beneath the spray. Water cascaded over her shoulders, between her breasts. Maya licked her lips, biting back a soft gasp as something swooped low in her stomach.

She didn’t respond to Carina. Instead, she stripped, ignoring Carina’s small laugh of surprise. When she stepped into the shower, Carina was still laughing, though her smile faded at the sight of Maya’s face.

“Is everything alright, Maya?”

Maya took Carina by the shoulders and turned her. She liked to feel Carina’s back against her front. Despite their height difference, Maya loved dragging her lips over Carina’s shoulders, she loved the bumps of Carina’s spine just below the skin.

“Bambina…”

Carina was about to turn around again, but Maya stopped her with two strong hands holding her hips in place. She dragged her fingers across Carina’s abdomen and then moved up, cupping her breasts, unable to keep her hands away.

She didn’t say anything. She had nothing to say. All she had was want, and the feel of Carina leaning against her, her head tipped back over Maya’s shoulder…

Let her in. Tell her. Tell her about your anger. Your rage. Tell her…

The familiarity of Carina’s body was like a salve. Carina was separate from the Station, she was separate from Ross and Beckett and Sullivan. She was separate from Jack and his stupid advice and his worried face.

Maya reached down, biting Carina’s shoulder as she delicately placed her middle finger against Carina’s clit. She heard a small gasp and almost melted into her wife’s body. The feel of her was overwhelming.

Touching Carina made light shine through. The anger swirled beneath the surface, but the smooth silk against her fingertips was like an anchor, a reminder. Carina breathed in short inhales and exhales, her chest moving in jagged motions against Maya’s arm.

Tell her you love her, tell her she’s beautiful…

Maya rubbed Carina in quick, hard circles, unable to speak. She just listened to Carina’s moans, she just concentrated on holding up Carina’s weight as she sagged against Maya’s body, her legs unstable.

Even the sound of Maya’s name from Carina’s lips did little to calm Maya’s racing thoughts, though it made her tighten her grip on Carina’s breast, squeezing painfully.

One of Carina’s hands tangled in Maya’s hair, forcing her to turn her face into a wet kiss. Carina’s mouth was warm, as warm as the perfection between her legs, and Maya wished she could stay like this forever. Touching her wife. Feeling her.

The fingers in her hair pulled and Maya could tell by the sudden quick jerks of Carina’s hips that she was close.

At least I can give her this, at least I can make her feel good…

Carina rose on her toes as she climaxed, her back arching against Maya’s front. Maya held on tight, circling Carina’s clit over and over until she felt a shaky hand tap her wrist, stilling her movements. It took a moment for Carina to open her eyes, and in that moment, Maya decided she wanted more. Touching Carina was the only thing that didn’t make her want to tear the world apart. She quickly turned off the water and with rough hands, grabbed Carina’s hips and started guiding her out of the shower.

“Maya, wha…”

The floor was slippery, but Maya kept Carina from falling, her only goal was to get Carina on the bed. To keep kissing her. She wanted to be inside. She wanted…

“Wait, Maya, I…”

Carina gently pushed at Maya’s shoulders, but Maya would not stop until she had Carina sprawled on the bed. The air in their bedroom was cool, cool enough that Carina started shivering almost immediately, her wet hair and skin darkening the bedspread beneath her. Maya ignored it, climbing on top of her wife, kissing her with a gnash of teeth and tongue.

“Maya…”

Carina was practically shaking, her teeth chattering, but if Maya stopped, if she stopped this, the anger would pour in, the anger, she couldn’t…

Sharp hands squeezed her biceps, even as Maya straddled Carina’s hips, pressing their chests together.

“Maya, stop.”

The angry stop was like a slap to the face. Maya lurched up, releasing her hold on Carina’s arms immediately. She looked down at her wife, her heart pounding, and found Carina staring up at her with furrowed eyebrows.

“What are you doing?” She asked, clearly displeased.

Maya rolled away, the words still trapped in her chest. She watched Carina sit up and disappear into the bathroom. For a moment, she worried Carina was going to kick her out to the guestroom or start yelling. But Carina returned a few seconds later, her hair wrapped in a towel. She had two other towels in her hand. One she used to brush against her body, the other she handed to Maya who ignored the offer.

Carina sat down again, crossing her legs.

“Maya, you need to tell me what is going on right now,” Carina said, her voice low and tense.

“I…”

There were no words. Maya couldn’t find them. All she could do was curl both fists into the blanket and lean forward. She wasn’t looking at Carina, resting on her knees, prostrated on the bed, she felt her concentration slipping.

It was just rage. Rage blinded her. She squeezed her eyes shut, the sound of her heart pounding in her ears. Every muscle ached, her teeth, her jaw, she felt like she contained fire, like if she opened her mouth, she’d singe her entire life.

“I’m so angry,” she finally managed to say, more of a hiss than a statement. She felt strangled, but the three words loosened something within and more words came forth, so many words.

“I…I’m so angry, Carina, it’s all I can…it’s all I can think about. It’s all I can feel. My whole body…I don’t want to hurt you, I don’t want…”

“Did something happen today?” Carina already knew about Beckett’s reinstatement, she’d already seen the aftermath of that news in Maya’s cold shoulder and incessant exercise.

Maya shook her head. “I’ve tried everything. I tried running until my feet started bleeding. I…I work as hard as I can, as best as I can…and they keep…Jack said…I…Carina?”

With her eyes still closed, Maya couldn’t see what her wife was doing, but she felt a shift on the mattress.

“What is it, Bambina?”

“I don’t want to hurt you. I feel like…like I’m going to say something, like…I’m freezing you out and I don’t want that. I’m just so angry all the time. All the time. And…and…my chest hurts so much…”

A hand fluttered against her neck and she belatedly realized that Carina was checking her pulse. She heard a tsk and then there was more movement against the mattress.

“Open your eyes for me,” Carina said, very obviously in physician mode.

Maya obeyed, wincing at the effort. Her biceps ached from strain and it hurt to breathe. Carina stood up and walked out of the room, quickly returning with candles. She set them on the dresser and their nightstands.

“I’m not in the mood, Carina.” Maya bit back something sharper, frustrated that her wife interpreted her confession as cause for romance.

But Carina rolled her eyes as she lit each wick. When she was done, she turned off their bedroom light and returned to the bed, sitting against the headboard.

“It’s not for romance, Maya. I’m not in the mood either.”

Oh…

“Now, come here please.” Carina pat the spot between her legs and Maya forced herself to move. Her legs throbbed and her hands felt like claws and her stupid heart…

Carina helped her get settled, urging her to lie down. With her head against Carina’s chest, Maya tried desperately to catch her breath, but it was hard, so hard when all she wanted to do was flip a table and punch her fist through a wall.

“You’re overstimulated,” Carina explained, “so we will sit in the dark. Now I need you to take a long breath through your nose.”

Again, Maya forced herself to obey. She had to admit that the candles felt better than the overhead lighting. Carina’s hands found her arm, the back of her neck, and they squeezed her aching muscles.

“Hold it,” Carina continued, “now release. Good. Again.”

Maya listened to the steady thud of Carina’s heartbeat, concentrating on its rhythmic pattern. It helped her focus on her breathing and eventually, she felt less tense, less overwhelmed. As she calmed, Carina shifted, lying back just a little. There was a soft tug as Carina removed her towel, and then Maya found herself lying against Carina’s naked body as her wife held her like an infant, like a helpless child.

“I’m sorry,” Maya whispered, wondering if she should move.

Carina tightened her hold, her fingers kneading the sore muscles in Maya’s shoulders.

“It’s okay.”

“Jack asked if I was leaving 19. He told me not to freeze you out. He said…”

“Don’t think about any of that right now, Maya. Not here.” Carina pulled at their discarded blanket, covering them both. Maya practically sagged into the warmth of Carina’s skin, nearly sighing as the soft duvet brushed against her legs.

“I don’t know what to do,” she confessed, the darkness a safe space for secrets and fears.

“Right now we sleep. That is what we do. Tomorrow? We will figure that out too.”

“I don’t want to freeze you out. I don’t want to be that person anymore.”

“You are not,” Carina whispered, “you are here with me now, no?”

Maya nodded, her cheek nuzzling Carina’s chest. It reminded her of Carina’s selfie from earlier.

“How’s Jamie?” The thought of the baby brought even more warmth, though Maya chalked it up to being tired and overwhelmed. Jamie was cute and her wife was beautiful and the picture was the only moment of her day that didn’t feel humiliating.

“She’s good. She told me to tell you that she says hi.”

“She said that?” Maya felt her eyelids grow heavy though she smiled at Carina’s joke.

“Sì. You are very much alike, you know? She likes skin-to-skin too.”

Maya nodded again, half-awake, unable to think about anything more than sleep and how good Carina smelled and Jamie’s tiny hands.

She drifted off, the anger and pain leaving her depleted. But at least she was in Carina’s arms again.

Carina who had spent her day calming two racing hearts.