27. Chapter 27

Dawn Ferguson was not a tall woman.

She looked older than her years, her skin damaged from the Florida sun, but otherwise, she appeared average. Black hair, clearly dyed, in a pixie cut. Brown eyes. Fingernails painted red.

She was normal. She looked normal. And Maya so wished she didn’t. She so wished Dawn Ferguson had fangs or horns or a forked tongue.

Because it would be easier to hate someone like that.

Dawn was just normal. A normal woman trying to take Jamie.

Maya despised her regardless.

They sat in a small court room, Maya and Carina behind their lawyer, Simon Gillespie, and Nancy. Dawn Ferguson sat on the other side behind her lawyer.

It was all very civil and very tame and Maya wanted to scream.

The judge had been reviewing paperwork for what felt like hours. Maya stared her down, willing her to do the right thing, to find any reason for Dawn Ferguson to be tossed from court.

She was terrified to lose Jamie.

But she was also terrified to lose Carina. Because Carina looked so drawn, so gaunt, so pale that Maya was genuinely concerned that her wife needed a hospital.

Carina had been throwing up since Nancy’s phone call. She’d stopped sleeping. She’d stopped eating. It had only been three days, but the shadows beneath Carina’s eyes were purple. Maya held her hand, wishing she could provide some comfort, but she couldn’t. She knew she couldn’t. She just felt alone without Carina’s warmth and her guidance.

“I’ve reviewed the paperwork,” the judge said, pulling Maya from her thoughts, “Ms. Ferguson, as part of any adoption appeal, you are required to undergo a criminal background check, work-place visits, home-visits, we’ll need financial and medical records. While I sympathize that you are biologically related to the child, I am concerned about the late timing of this appeal.”

Ferguson’s lawyer cleared his throat. “Your honour, Ms. Ferguson was unaware of the Jane Doe baby as was her son who is currently incarcerated. She would have stepped forward much sooner had she known.”

The Jane Doe baby…

Jamie liked her blue Team Italia onesie more than her red Team Italia onesie. She woke up every day from her nap and wanted to be held before she’d let them feed her or change her diaper. Her favourite place to sleep was Carina’s shoulder or Maya’s chest. Her favourite song was “What’s Love Got To Do With It,” which Maya accidentally played for her in the car one day and ever since, she laughed and bopped whenever Tina Turner hit the chorus. Jamie hated tummy time and loved the bath and wouldn’t sleep unless Maya read to her first.

The Jane Doe baby…

“Granted,” the judge continued, “Ms. Ferguson, do you agree to this investigation?”

Dawn Ferguson leaned forward. “I do, your honour.”

“And according to this form, your intention is to take the baby back to Florida?”

“It is. She should be with family. Family values are very important to us. We would give her a proper home.”

Family values…

Carina clenched her fists, the quietest moan escaping her lips, and Maya reached up to hold her. She wrapped her arm around Carina’s shoulder, willing her wife to stay strong.

Even though her own heart was breaking. Even though the implication that their family was somehow less than, somehow inappropriate…

 Maya heard through the code, the faked niceties. She heard it loud and clear.

“Ms. Ferguson, I will allow a once weekly supervised visit while the investigation takes place,” the judge said, her eyes darting to Carina who muffled a sob behind her hand. Maya tightened her grip, pressing her forehead to Carina’s temple, trying to calm her.

“Mrs. Lucas,” the judge looked at Nancy, “you will be present during these visitations. In the meantime, Ms. Ferguson, you must stay in the state of Washington. Any attempt to remove the child will be met with an instant withdrawal of your petition and potential kidnapping charges. Do I make myself clear?”

“Yes, your honour,” Dawn said.

They were told to stand as the judge left, but Carina couldn’t, she remained seated, bent forward, her knuckles white where she held onto the bench in front of them.

Simon turned around then, taking in the DeLuca-Bishops with a sympathetic gaze.

“You are her legal guardians,” he said, “that comes with a lot of protection. The fact that it’s taken her months to come forward, the required checks, don’t give up hope, okay?”

Maya nodded.

“I’ll be with her the entire time,” Nancy said, though it was little comfort. In 48 hours, Nancy was going to come and take Jamie from them. It would only be for the day, she’d be home for bedtime, but what if the judge ruled in Dawn Ferguson’s favour? What if the day became forever?

As the small group dispersed, Maya knew that she needed to get Carina up on her feet. She’d never quite seen her in such a bad place. Not since Andrew’s death. And this felt different. There was a finality in Andrew’s passing. He wasn’t coming back. There was no hope there.

A custody trial meant that hope and despair sat side by side. They were in limbo. Jamie was their’s and she wasn’t their’s. Jamie could stay with them or Jamie could be taken away.

Maya understood Carina’s agony, she just hadn’t expected her wife to give into it so quickly.

“Carina?” Maya said, crouching down.

Carina nodded, her eyes hollow as they stared ahead.

“Babe, we need to go home now, okay? Let’s go see Jamie.”

“Non posso.”

Maya looked up, ensuring that they were mostly alone, before taking Carina’s face in her hands, forcing her to make eye contact.

“No one is taking her away from us, okay?” Maya knew she couldn’t promise, but she also knew she was prepared to fight for their baby. There would be no giving up. There would be no rolling over. Maya was going to fight with everything she had.

Carina’s eyes filled with tears, but she placed her own hands on top of Maya’s, her grip strong though her fingers were like ice. It took her another minute to stand, but when she did, Maya immediately wrapped her arm around Carina’s middle, holding her up.

She could feel Carina shaking.

And she just prayed that she had strength enough for all of them.

~*~

Carina walked straight into Jamie’s nursery when they got home and Maya didn’t stop her. She paused by the door, removing her shoes, and then peeked her head into the kitchen where she found Katherine making coffee.

“Hey mom,” she said, surprised by the exhaustion in her own voice.

Kathrine looked from the nursery to Maya’s face and sighed.

“What happened?” She asked, hesitating before setting her hand on Maya’s shoulder. It was strage to feel comfort from her mother. Maya wasn’t used to it.

“They approved supervised visits while they run background checks. Once a week until the judge makes her decision.”

“Oh, sweetheart.”

The pain in her mother’s voice did little to make Maya feel better. She wanted Carina. Carina’s confidence and Carina’s assurance. But Carina was caught in her own pain and Maya wasn’t sure how to reach her.

“Carina is…” Maya’s voice wavered, “she’s not okay, mom. I don’t know what to do.”

She didn’t mean to make the confession, especially not to Katherine. But the part of Maya that was still thirteen and longing for her mother resurfaced.

Katherine pulled Maya into a hug, which made Maya tense until her mind caught up with her body and she sagged into it, greedy for her mother’s support.

“I’m no expert on marriage,” Katherine said with a humourless chuckle, “but I don’t think I’ve ever seen two people who love each more than you and your wife. It makes me so proud, Maya, and it’s also why I know everything is going to be okay. You hold onto each other, and you both hold onto Jamie, and it’s all going to be okay.”

Captain Dale’s words came back to Maya, her instructions to hold onto Carina. To never let her go.

Maya nodded once, feeling some of her own resolve return.

“Thanks, Mom. For being here,” Maya whispered against her mother’s shoulder, not quite ready to leave her warmth.

“Thanks for letting me be here, sweetheart.”

One more second to be a child. One more second to need her mother. And then Maya knew it was time to be a wife. To be a mother herself.

One more second.

~*~

Jamie was so innocent.

She sat in her little bath and kicked her legs as Carina poured water over her head and all the while she smiled up at her mothers, completely unaware that her world was about to change.

Maya lingered in the doorway for a moment watching before lowering herself to the floor next to Carina.

“Hi, Baby T-Rex,” Maya said, squeezing Jamie’s foot. She felt Jamie’s toes flex against her palm and it made her smile despite the situation.

Taking a washcloth, Maya got to work wiping Jamie’s arms and her little belly, trying to take comfort in Jamie’s happiness.

“Are you hungry? I could make us something?” Maya asked, chancing a glance at Carina who was still wearing her suit from court.

Carina shook her head, grim, and Maya held in a sigh.

“You haven’t eaten since yesterday, Carina.”

“I do not want to eat.”

“Carina…”

“Are you going to work tomorrow?”

The question came out of nowhere. Maya furrowed her brow, concerned with Carina’s clipped tone.

“Uh…yes,” she said.

Carina huffed, her jaw shaking. She picked up a nearby towel and wrapped it around Jamie, lifting her from the bath as she did. Without a word she stood, leaving Maya on the tiled floor, confused and more than a little worried.

She drained the tub and put away Jamie’s baby bath, trying to give Carina space though her instincts were telling her to do the opposite. But her wife could be tricky when it came to big emotions. Maya always felt that she was the one who couldn’t express her feelings properly, but Carina had a habit of keeping her pain close to her chest. She liked to work through it on her own, even though she didn’t need to. Childhood habits were tough to break.

Maya found Carina sitting with Jamie in the rocking chair, silent, and she wasn’t sure if she should interrupt. Except she wanted to spend time with Jamie too.

“Should we bring her into our room tonight?” Maya tried, unsure how best to navigate a devastated wife.

And a wife who was apparently mad at her.

Carina shook her head, scowling, and Maya bit her tongue.

She swallowed back a sharp response, willing herself to keep a cool head.

“I’m going to text Simon. Anything you want me to ask him?” Maya gestured with her thumb towards the door, knowing she’d left her phone on the table.

Once again, Carina shook her head, pressing her cheek against Jamie’s temple. Maya wanted to take the baby, she wanted to tell Carina that Jamie needed a diaper, that she was going to pee on Carina’s nice suit and to snap out of it for one second. But she couldn’t. Because she understood how Carina was feeling. She understood the fear. The despair.

So she decided to let Carina be. At least for the moment.

~*~

Carina didn’t move and Maya paced the apartment, wishing she could go for a run. It had been hours and Carina had yet to speak, so a part of Maya seriously considered pulling on her shoes and vanishing until the desire to punch her fist through a wall subsided.

But she settled for the treadmill, wanting to stay close to Jamie. Instead of music, she thought about the judge’s words, about Dawn Ferguson’s words. Over and over again.

Family values

Proper home

The fury made her run faster, her feet slapping against the running belt.

How could anyone look at her family and see anything but warmth and love? How could anyone look at Carina and not see a perfect mother? The most perfect mother? Maya didn’t want to let it hurt, she didn’t want to give Dawn Ferguson that win, but it did hurt. It always did.

She had been lucky in life. Homophobia rarely touched her. She was straight passing, she’d barely dated before Carina, there had been few opportunities for anyone to register she was queer, let alone comment on it. But she could remember the microaggressions from childhood.

The way Lane had always quietly disapproved of any gains in the queer rights movement. Same-sex marriage. Adoption. All the blood and sweat and tears that went into giving Maya the right to marry Carina, to adopt Jamie, her father would shake his head and wonder why they always needed so much attention.

She’d heard the words tossed around casually in high school locker rooms. She’d heard dyke thrown at other girls, but she kept to herself. She kept quiet. She kept her eyes forward.

It felt different now. To know this stranger saw her and her family as something disgusting. Something abhorrent. To know some random person wanted to take their baby because she thought Jamie wasn’t safe with two moms. That their home was dangerous for her.

Maya felt rage. But she also felt despair. The despair that came from intolerance and hate.

The fact that it was directed at her marriage? At her love?

Maya hated how much it hurt. How much she let it hurt.

She’d texted their lawyer, wondering if Dawn Ferguson’s statement would help them or do the opposite. Washington was far more liberal than Florida, but the entire queer community was one bad vote away from losing same-sex marriage, from losing the ability to adopt. Maya chastised herself for pretending none of it affected her. For leaning on her straight-passing privilege, for assuming no one could take her marriage or her child.

She’d been so naïve.

The wait for Simon’s response had been excruciating, but when he answered, she breathed a sigh of relief.

Simon Gillespie: It looks good for us.

Maya: Is there anything else we can do?

Simon Gillespie: Let the social workers do their investigation. The fact that Jamie’s bio dad is incarcerated is also a point for us. I have people on the ground in Florida. Try to stay positive as much as you can.

Stay positive. Maya didn’t do stay positive. Carina did.

But Carina also hated waiting. She hated not knowing. And Maya wasn’t quite certain how to be the positive person in their relationship. She was darkness. Carina was light. They met in the middle. It’s how it worked.

Maya gave Carina space for as long as she could. She ate dinner by herself and cleaned the living room. She brought Carina a sandwich though she knew it would remain untouched. She did the laundry and then spent thirty minutes folding impossibly small onesies while trying not to cry.

It was only when the exhaustion of the day pulled at her that Maya tried to reach Carina again.

“You coming to bed?” She asked from the doorway, concerned to see Carina sitting in the dark.

Jamie was fast asleep in her arms, though Maya was relieved to see that Carina had dressed her in jammies.

“I’m going to stay here,” Carina said, her eyes never leaving Jamie’s face.

“Carina, come on, we can put her in the bassinette. You need to sleep.”

“I’m staying here.”

Maya sighed and walked into the room.

“Can I at least say goodnight to her?” Maya extended her arms, bighting back her own anger.

Carina’s hesitation only made Maya’s temper flare.

She’s my baby too. I’m going through this too.

But then Carina placed Jamie in Maya’s hands. Jamie yawned a little as Maya brought her closer, close enough to rub her nose against Jamie’s forehead and inhale her little Jamie smell.

“Goodnight, Baby T-Rex,” Maya whispered, bouncing a little as she moved about the room. Even in the dark, Maya could make out the perfect shell of Jamie’s ear. Tiny and precious.

When Maya went to put Jamie down in her crib, Carina snapped her fingers towards her and shook her head.

Maya paused, frowning. “Carina, she needs to sleep.”

“She will sleep here.”

“It’s better if she sleeps in the crib.”

“It’s better if she sleeps with her mother,” Carina growled back.

Maya was about to argue but decided against it. Jamie was sleeping and Carina was being irrational and Maya didn’t have the energy to fight with her wife. She kissed Jamie’s head one more time before placing the baby in Carina’s arms.

They were both hurting, but Maya didn’t know why Carina had so firmly closed a door between them. She paused in the hall, taking one last look at her wife, before walking away. The bed would be cold. And it would be empty.

Maya had no other choice.