twenty one

He walked and stopped right in front of her. She intended to side step him as though she hadn't seen him.

"Where are you going?" he pulled her back unceremoniously.

Her body tilted as she staggered, almost falling back. Cang Mang pulled her back up causing her to fall towards him.

"You're drunk," he quickly concluded when he got a whiff of the heavy scent of alcohol emanating from her.

"Go back to your home," he said, feeling that the evening was a bit uneventful.

He couldn't believe that she easily accepted defeat and jumped straight to drowning in alcohol.

"I-heh! I— must- Bai," she stumbled over words and hiccups.

Cang Mang clicked his tongue and pushed her shoulder a little, "I've never seen someone so enthusiastic! So you mean you'll go there and be a second woman?"

Cang Mang saw Dong Mei's drowsy eyes seem to light up in the dark because of what he said.

He shoved her head, "don't even think about it."

Being a concubine? Dong Mei had thought about it. It would give her a good chance to get between them. But Bai Yangwei would never give that chance.

"The bridal chamber is always too full when one man and one woman are in it," Cang Mang said, "Dong Mei, you don't belong there, so go back home."

A moment of silence ensued.

"It was meant to be me in the bridal chamber," although they had a bit of slur, those were the clearest words she said that night.

"Tsk! If it were meant to be you, you'd be in the chamber not standing out looking like a fool," Cang Mang went ahead to push her towards the exit, "go on, leave now before I get you out myself."

"Why do I feel like everything went wrong? This isn't how it's supposed to be. This- Li Hua- she!"

"She what? Isn't supposed to exist?" Cang Mang crossed his arms against his chest and asked, "hasn't it ever crossed your mind that you are delusional? Can't you do something that makes you happy? Why do you keep running after something as though seeking death? Then later cry that it hurts?"

"I- sometimes I do feel like a fool.... But i- I'm not.... I can even settle to be second. But I just can't... let go," she felt like she had a lot to say but it all seemed stuck, because pretending that she lost by default was easier than admitting that she was never meant to win, "Bai Yangwei."

"Have you even ever tried? Have you ever thought, 'maybe this route will give me more happiness?'," he asked, "but I doubt it, you're head over heels with constantly making yourself miserable." He pushed her out of the residence, "let's go. I'm not letting you have even a chance."

Tried to seek a different alternative? Tried a different route?

She stumbled a time and time again as Cang Mang pushed her down the familiar path towards her home. Because she kept nearly falling time and time again, he picked her up.

"Eish! You're too slow," he swept her off her feet, carrying her so that she was laying in his arms, "I have a bed calling out to me. This will be faster."

He didn't know why he was explaining or why an excuse had to be given but he felt more comfortable that way. He walked steadily in the growing wind that raised dust to his knees.

He looked down at Dong Mei that had suddenly grown quiet in his arms. Her eyes, that he had been hoping were closed, flashed towards him with such sharpness that it would send his poor soul straight to hell.

"Close your eyes," he ordered while trying to compose himself, "you are capable of scaring ghosts away with such a look."

Dong Mei scoffed and turned away. 

It was the first time for her to calmly let herself be held by the lunatic of a man. And in doing so, she let her mind freely wander.

She agreed with Cang Mang on one the fact that Li Hua could not be blamed. She was a mindless creature whom luck loved. Not that that made Dong Mei any more fond of her.

She knew that she would hate Li Hua till her grave.

But who would she blame for all her misfortunes when it came to Bai Yangwei? Of course she  blamed Cang Mang.

She didn't understand one thing. 

In her first lifetime, Cang Mang was barely noticeable.

He was always around Bai Yangwei but when she came around, he would disappear.

The few times she saw him, he was always looking odd in neat robes and never said a word. She only ever saw him whisper something to Bai Yangwei in haste before dashing away.

The time she found him laughing was when he was talking with Li Hua. At that time, he was so loud that the entire village could hear him. He seemed so free and comfortable. Yet the moment she stepped close to ask where Bai Yangwei was, he quietened and seemed to want to disappear.

After seeing that attitude of his, seeming to not want to breathe the same air as her, she had little to no interest in what he was up to.

Back then they barely crossed paths so she didn't pay him any attention. Her main focus had been Bai Yangwei.

But in her second life time, when she started to actively attack Li Hua to keep her from Bai Yangwei, was when he started to show his true colors.

It wasn't like she would kill Li Hua. All he had to do was keep her  away from Bai Yangwei and they would be fine. Instead, he let himself drown in the self sacrificing role.

At least the rest weren't purposefully trying to stop her, but him- he was the one who knew exactly what she wanted and made it a point to fight her.

He was to blame for it all.

In both lifetimes, all she wanted was to peacefully start a perfect family with the most perfect man.