42. Chapter 42

MAYA’S POV

Somehow, I managed to put on the sneakers that were leaning against the baseboard behind the door, and I couldn't be happier for always opting for comfortable clothes, because as soon as I was no longer barefoot I opened the door and ran.

One foot in front of the other. Breathe in and out. Keep your rhythm. Shoulders in line, Maya. Arms tight against your body.

The image of Carina's red face as her tears flowed broke my heart into a million pieces and fuck the idea that I should make new friends if it meant breaking Carina's heart as I knew I had. There was so much disappointment, so much sadness, so much anger in her face, a face that before that day - before Adrienne appeared in our lives - only framed beautiful smiles that made my heart beat faster in my chest and confirmed to me that I really was the luckiest woman in the world to have Carina and I guess I would never really forgive myself for having hurt her.

One foot in front of the other.

Maybe I was right, maybe Adrienne really didn't want anything more than my friendship, maybe Carina was being driven by irrational jealousy, but was it really worth it to insist on this idea that I should make this new friendship in spite of my romantic relationship when this said friendship was making my girlfriend uncomfortable? Did Carina really have her reasons for not liking Adrienne? And if it were the other way around, what would I wish Carina had done?

Breathe in and out.

I had really been caught off guard that morning and it was hard for me to think that Adrienne was really behaving like a soap opera villain, but maybe the sadness on Carina's face was making me think from her point of view and I had in fact mentioned the night before that Carina would be on call during the night, and two nights ago she had made me confess that I was not a person who used to sleep late even on weekends. Could Adrienne really be pretending that she only wants to be my friend while having ulterior motives?

Keep your rhythm.

But what if none of this was really happening? Carina's jealousy could be strangely arousing at times, I had to admit, but wouldn't dealing with this kind of attitude from the Italian wear down our relationship? I didn't want to think that Carina didn't trust me, not when I've never shown her anything but respect and love for all the time we've been together. I had to believe that Carina trusted my character, my word when I told her so many months ago that I was giving her my word that I will never have eyes for anyone else as long as she wants to be with me.

Shoulders in line, Maya.

I hated that I didn't have the answers to all my questions, I hated that I didn't have enough experience with healthy relationships to know what the next step was, I hated that I had made Carina suffer for something I wasn't even that excited about - of course Adrienne was kind and nice most of the time, she was always interested to hear about my day, to hear about my stories during the scenes, but something just didn't seem to click, it wasn't as organic and easy as it was to talk to Andy or Vic or Travis, maybe because I'd just met her, maybe because I never truly felt comfortable around her knowing that Carina was convinced she was seeing something I wasn't.

Arms tight against your body.

Where is the line? Where is the line between keeping my relationship with Carina healthy and me allowing myself to make new friends? Would Carina be jealous of any new person who appeared in my life, or did she really have her reasons for not trusting Adrienne? All these unanswered questions made my head hurt, it was as if at that moment I could only focus on the pain I caused Carina and my stubbornness in not wanting to give in to my girlfriend's jealousy - the worst part was knowing that as long as I remained torn between these two feelings, I would be making Carina suffer.

-Captain? What are you doing here? - Richard asked as I passed through the station's entrance door, his deep voice startling me as I was brought back to reality. - Do you want to talk to Lieutenant Herrera? She's filling in for Lieutenant Turner as you requested.

-Hm, no, I just... - I didn't know how to answer. I couldn't simply say that I had left the house because dealing with the sound of Carina's crying was too difficult for me even when the sound was being muffled by closed doors and the sound of the shower. Knowing that she was in pain just a few feet away from me only made it worse. - I forgot some things in my office.

Not wanting to prolong the topic, I turned and walked towards my office, closing the door behind me and looking at my watch seeing that my decision to take the longer route to the station had earned me at least 57 minutes of running time that day.

-Fuck! - I grunted pressing the palm of my hands against my eyes, standing in the middle of my office with no idea how to proceed.

Being in control of the situation was what motivated me to study every protocol of that station, to know every procedure to be done in every possible disaster. But there were no protocols within a relationship, all that existed was a lot of feelings that were often overwhelming and all we felt was powerlessness. And feeling powerless never did me any good. 

Was I trying to sabotage the best relationship I ever had by insisting on a completely random friendship knowing that my girlfriend was unhappy about it?

Carina was everything I wanted for my life, she was everything I never thought I could have; to hear her whisper in the middle of the night "ti amo, bambina, e dovrai sempre tornare da me - I love you, baby, you will always have to come back to me" or any other random phrase in Italian whenever she thought I was sleeping always warmed my heart and made me so aware of how much I was in love with Carina that sometimes it was almost as if I could feel my chest hurt, as though my body wanted to physically demonstrate the magnitude of the feeling I had for this woman.

Losing her was no longer an option.

Making her sad was no longer an option, not when I could avoid that pain.

Making her cry was definitely no longer an option, because with each of her tears it was as if something was effectively tearing my heart in half.

-Hey, where's Maya? - Still standing in the middle of my office, facing my desk, I heard my name coming from outside; I turned around quickly and opened the door to see Andrew with both hands on the reception desk while staring at Richard.

-Andrew? - I called out and he turned quickly in my direction.

-Who the fuck is this French redhead with super long legs? - Andrew took two steps toward me, his face redder than I had ever seen it.

-Who now? - I creased my forehead, his words were quick, and I didn't have time to process them, but a second later they made sense. - Is this how Carina refers to Adrienne?

-Who cares what her name is, what was she doing clinging to you? - He asked with his arms spread wide and I widened my eyes as I gritted my teeth seeing that Richard was definitely curious to know what my answer would be.

Mixing my personal and professional life was never part of my plans, it was also never part of my plans to let the entire station 19 know what was going on inside my house, so I just took a step back and signaled with my thumb into my office.

-Maya, did something happen? - Andy hurried down the stairs, perhaps wondering what was causing the commotion on the first floor. - Oh, Andrew! What are you doing here?

-My office, DeLuca. - I said to my brother-in-law, turning my back on him.

-Oh, you're in trouble. - Andy followed me and, as much as I knew Andrew was there on behalf of his sister, I felt that I deserved to have someone on my side at that moment too.

-Maya, I warned you, if you were ever to hurt my sister... - Andrew closed the door behind him as I turned and leaned against my desk, my arms crossed against my chest as Andy creased her forehead and looked at me not understanding where my brother-in-law's implied accusation was coming from.

-I didn't hurt Carina. - It sounded like a lie. - I didn't intentionally hurt Carina.

-Maya?! What did you do? - Andy's eyes widened.

-Yeah, Maya, what did you do? - Andrew assumed the same posture as me, but chose to stand closer to the door, keeping a safe distance between the two of us.

-That's the point, I didn't do anything. - I let my head hang back and the words came out almost as a frustrated cry.

-Why are you letting this French girl get close to you like this? - Andrew asked back.

-Oh, so this is about your French "friend"? - Andy asked, finally understanding what this was about, but the way the word "friend" came out ironically from her lips made me wonder if I really had someone on my side inside that room. - Vic told me all about it and I waited for you to come to me for days, why didn't you tell me what was going on?

-I think there are more important matters to be dealt with than your bruised ego, Andy. - Andrew spoke with a sharpness that until then I had never heard coming from him. - This is about my sister finding you cuddling with a French girl on the couch.

-I wasn't cuddling with anyone, she was hugging me. End of story. She came to me; told me she had a fight with her sister and started crying! What did you expect me to do? Aren't you the one who also panics when you see people crying? - My voice was louder than I wanted it to be, but I hated all these accusations.

-You really panic when you see people crying! - Andy turned to Andrea and it was her turn to cross her arms. Now all three of us were assuming a defensive and closed posture towards each other, that was clear, even though I didn't know what was going on between Andy and Andrew to cause this tension between them.

-This is not the point! - Andrew rolled his eyes, but his cheeks took on a redder hue, almost as if he was embarrassed. - Carina is not a crazy possessive girlfriend, Maya. She is suffering because she is sounding like this. She's not trying to stop you from making new friends, she's the same woman she has been for ten years in that sense, wasn't she the one who convinced you to open up to Andy? You are only friends because of Carina, for all I care.

-What? - Andy creased her forehead, now looking at me.

-Long story. - I shrugged. - I know she's not possessive and crazy, but what do you want me to do? Never make a new friend because Carina will feel threatened?

-You know that's not what this is about. Carina is not telling you not to make friends, but if she said she thinks this woman is looking at you and acting kind of shady, then I think you should at least try to take that into consideration. - One of the man's hands came free of his arms so that he could gesture, and it was amazing how much he resembled Carina in some ways. - Also, isn't it a little suspicious that she knows Carina is your girlfriend and hasn't tried to make friends with her as well if all she complains about is how lonely she is here?

-Carina has made it more than clear that she doesn't like her from the very first time they meet. - I rolled my eyes once again, remembering the fateful night.

-Any decent person would have tried to show your girlfriend that they were harmless and just wanted to make new friends, but that's not what she's been doing, is it? - Andrew raised an eyebrow in my direction. - She certainly didn't try to explain what had happened this morning, did she?

-No, but... - I started to speak.

-And I bet she doesn't spend her evenings asking how Carina is doing, or how you two met, or how long you've been together, am I right? - This time Andrew squinted his eyes at me, and I knew that his words were not coming from Carina's questioning, it was as if he knew what he was talking about, as if he was getting a better view of the situation.

-No, but... - I started again.

-Why are you trying so hard to justify all this? - Andy asked, interrupting me. - It's almost as if you want this woman around.

-What are you implying? - I asked, feeling the spray of blood coming straight to my face at that moment; I would not tolerate any accusation that even questioned my faithfulness to Carina.

-You want to be right more than you want to keep your relationship peaceful. - Andy spoke back, unabashedly, unstuttering, looking straight into my eyes as she accused me of something that, unfortunately, she might be right about. - We are no longer talking about a boyfriend of a few weeks that you are keeping around for fun.

-Do you think this is how I see my relationship with Carina? - I asked back, incredulously, my voice definitely louder than usual, with all the force and power I put into it whenever I shouted my orders as captain, definitely offended by her words. Andy flinched, but continued.

-Of course not, because I know you've never been in love before, because I know you've never loved anyone the way you love Carina, but then why are you insisting on it? Why are you trying to justify to us this woman's actions when she is clearly acting in a weird way? - Andy asked back and I swallowed hard, because I didn't know the answer to that question. - You won't lose yourself, Maya. You're not going to turn into a different person now that you're making all these compromises. You're not going to stop being the person you are because you're dating, or living with your girlfriend. You don't have to be stubborn and afraid to give in because you think it will make you less you, or that you are ceding control to Carina. You can't continue to think that you are self-sufficient and that only your opinion matters. That's not how a relationship works.

-And how does it work? - I asked back because now that the words were spoken, they made sense inside me.

-There's no rule book, Maya, but you need to trust each other. - Andrew said and I turned to him, Andy doing the same thing seconds later. - And part of that trust is not only about Carina letting you be friends with all the women in Seattle, and I know she wouldn't even care if she saw that just friendship was what these women wanted, but it's also about trusting her judgment when she says she thinks there's something wrong there.

-Maybe you are right, maybe she is right, but do you want to take your chances? Do you want to risk Carina being right about this woman and deal with the hurt it will cause Carina? - Andy added and I immediately denied it with my head, because no, I was not willing to take that risk, I was not willing to make Carina suffer because of my stubbornness.

-Carina loves you with all her heart, she doesn't want to control you, she doesn't want an unhealthy relationship, she may be jealous, yes, but she would never let it get to a toxic level because more than loving you, she loves herself, and she knows she's not that kind of person. - Andrew added and I lowered my eyes, ashamed, because I knew that every single word he said was true. I knew that Carina would never be a negative influence in my life.

-And you know what? Bad people just need a little push to show themselves as they are, and I know exactly how we can prove that.

-What do you mean? - Andrew asked back.

-I have a plan. - Andy smiled at me and I creased my forehead.

Whatever this plan was, I was sure I wasn't going to like it.

-This is ridiculous! - I hissed at Andy as we walked down the street.

-I agree. - Andrew grunted next to me, fixing the shorts he had put on to run with us that night.

-How else could we randomly run into her? - Andy spoke back. - Do you think I wanted to be running with you two losers after an exhausting shift?

Andy was right, she had been out at least twice with the aid car during her shift, and even though I had spent all the hours inside the station inside my office trying to focus on getting more paperwork done as a way to distract myself and appease the urge I felt to text or call Carina to see how she was doing - wanting to respect the space I knew she needed at that moment - I was also exhausted.

-So, you usually run this time of night? - Andrew asked looking at his watch.

-Yes.

-And her house is down the street? - Andrew pointed ahead.

-Yes. - I nodded again, stretching my arms.

-But we'll be running in that direction for a while. - Andy pointed the other way. - We need to look like we're really sweaty and tired.

-You're a little too involved in this plan. - Andrew rolled his eyes.

-No one forced you to come! - Andy countered, and I rolled my eyes at both of them.

-Uh, actually, you forced me to come! - Andrew pointed a finger at her.

-I could have easily found a replacement for the part you play in the plan. - Andy shrugged.

-Oh, yes, you're very good at that. - Andrew spoke back and Andy opened her mouth in shock, red tinting her cheeks and I creased my forehead again not understanding what they were talking about.

-You know what, I'm choosing to ignore your comments for the sake of the relationship of the two people we love. - Andy retorted after the shock faded from her face.

-What is going on? - I finally asked, giving in to my curiosity.

-Nothing. - They both answered at the same time, and I rolled my eyes.

-Let's go. - I said and started running in the opposite direction of Adrienne's sister's house.

With each passing minute, my thoughts became more and more focused on Carina; Andrew had received messages from his sister, and tried to convince me that she was fine, merely sad, but I knew that this probably wasn't true - she probably hadn't eaten all day, perhaps tried to focus on work or her research even though she was supposed to be resting for her next shift - and this only made me even more anguished.

I also couldn't stop thinking about the conversation I had with Andy and Andrew earlier and after everything I was told I think that regardless of how Andy's plan unfolds, I would have to talk to Carina, be honest with her, and make sure that lack of trust in me was never the problem, I needed to hear from her that she knew I hadn't done anything wrong if not - at worst - mistakenly trusting someone who seemed to only want my friendship; If I was mistaken, that wouldn't make me a bad person – a naïve person, sure – but I would definitely rather be naïve than always believing that people were approaching me with ulterior motives.

-I think that's enough. - Andy gasped beside me as we turned onto the main street of the neighborhood, just a few yards away from my house. - Does everyone remember what to do?

-I still think this is ridiculous. - I said after taking a deep breath, trying to catch my breath.

-Me too. - Andrew rolled his eyes.

-Think about your sister. - Andy pointed at Andrew. - Think about your girlfriend.

It was my turn to roll my eyes when she pointed her finger at me - as if I could think of anything other than Carina at that moment.

-Also, you need to be convincing, Maya! - Andy said as we walked with hurried steps down the sidewalk.

-I'm not comfortable with this. - I confessed, anticipating all that was to come. - This whole thing feels like an episode of a soap opera.

-What's wrong with soap operas? - Andy asked back, frowning.

-Nothing! - I raised my hands defensively.

-We should run over there. - Andrew pointed with his chin to the end of the street and I nodded.

The run was fast - just to make it look like we were running - and as we approached Adrienne's sister's house, I saw that the porch light was on.

-Time out, time out! - I asked, trying to remember all the steps of Andy's plan, and bent my body, resting my hands on both knees pretending to recover from exhaustion.

-Time out? You force us to run and now you're asking for time out? - Andrew spoke loud enough to get Adrienne's attention, who had previously been reading a book, but was now getting up from the chair on her porch and walking toward us.

-Are you all right there, Capitaine? - The redhead asked beside me, and I stood up straight immediately, flashing her a wry smile. - Would you like a glass of water?

-Oh, no need. - I waved one hand dismissively.

-Don't worry too much, Maya here has enviable fitness. - Andy moved closer to me, one of her hands going to one of my arms, running her fingers languidly up my biceps. - How do you think she gets such strong arms?

Adrienne stared at Andy's hand on my arm and seemed to follow my friend's movement - intentionally slow and teasing - across my shoulders until she was hugging them; it was more than a little awkward to have Andy touch me like that, but apparently it was a key part of her plan.

-She doesn't brag about them much. - Adrienne spoke up, squinting her eyes at Andy.

-Oh, yes, Maya knows how to be discreet. - Andy gave Adrienne a damn wink. - Where are you from?

-France? - Adrienne answered in a matter-of-fact way, and their interaction was fast and sharp, as if they were challenging each other.

-Oh, yeah, right, your accent is better explained now. - Andy giggled, pulling me closer by the shoulders, and I brought one hand around her waist, hoping it wasn't obvious how uncomfortable I was doing that. - It reminds me of when I first met you, Maya, how fixated you were on my accent.

-Your accent isn't nearly as charming as...? - Andrew raised an eyebrow at the French woman.

-Adrienne. - The girl gave the smallest of smiles, looking at Andrew for only a second before refocusing her eyes on me and Andy, who kept pressing herself against me as if she wanted to merge her body with mine.

-As Adrienne's. Beautiful name, I'm Andrew by the way. - The guy was giving one of his best smiles and I confess that it was hard even for me to deny that he was charming, but Adrienne just nodded, and I felt Andy's fingers tightening against my shoulder, as if to draw my awareness to the fact that Adrienne was paying no attention to Andrew, being completely focused on our interaction.

-Merci. - Thank you. - Adrienne just said.

-Anyway, I'm not going to fight you on this, what I mean is that Maya has always had a thing for accents. - Andy again let out a flirtatious giggle that definitely made me uncomfortable; I had never seen my friend flirt so closely, she was good. - I'm Andy.

-Nice to meet you. - Adrienne spoke in a dry, unemotional tone.

-So, new on the neighborhood, never seen you around here before... - Andrew insisted again, keeping his best smile on his face, approaching Adrienne on the sidewalk, but the woman just crossed her arms and stepped aside, her face still moving back and forth between Andy's hand and the smile I was trying to keep on my face.

-I've come to spend the month with my sister, I'll be back after Christmas. - Adrienne pointed with her thumb at the house behind her and crossed her arms again.

-Oh, too bad. - One more attempt, but I could swear Adrienne almost rolled her eyes. She was definitely not interested in Andrew, which made Andy dig her nails into my shoulders in a silent way to bring more attention to the situation.

-Well, shall we get back to our run? - Andy suggested, squeezing my shoulder discreetly once more.

-You guys can go, I'm gonna chat with Adrienne for a second, but I'll catch up with you guys in a bit. - I smiled awkwardly at Andy and Andrew, being alone with Adrienne for a while was also an important part of Andy’s plan.

-Oh, okay! No problem! - Andrew shrugged. - Come on Andy.

-Yeah, sure! - Andy kissed me on the cheek and I had to control my facial expression to keep myself from grimacing, it was so weird to have her acting like that around me.

-Don't be long, I don't think Carina knows we're out for a run. - Andrew finally spoke the sentence that Andy had been dying for him to say.

-Well, there are a lot of things Carina doesn't know! - Andy spoke the phrase that, according to her, was crucial for Adrienne to feel comfortable trying something with me, if that was what she had wanted all along. Hearing those words coming out of my best friend's mouth gave me an uncomfortable shiver, the mere subjective and hypothetical mention of my infidelity caused me disgust and revulsion, my stomach was definitely nauseated and keeping the flirtatious smile on my face was an arduous task. - See you later, May.

The nickname was spoken with an explicit flirtation, one last wink was given by Andy in my direction before she turned and started running along with Andrew away from Adrienne and me.

Once Andy and Andrew were a few feet away, I turned to Adrienne, who was now smiling broadly - the change in her mood was evident after Andy had left us - and she quickly stepped forward, approaching me and now that I had spent the entire day trying to remember all the interactions we had ever had, I realized that she really did have a pattern.

-Would you like to sit down for a moment? - She pointed with her thumb at her porch.

-I shouldn't take too long... - I brought one hand to the back of my head, scratching the nape of my neck a few times before standing up straighter again. - How was your day? Did you and your sister talk?

Andy had told me that acting natural was crucial, that if something were to happen, her plan would be more than enough, so I just followed through with the friendly conversation.

-She's still working, but I think I'll follow your advice, and try to talk to her now that we're both calmer. - Adrienne took another step forward, tucking a lock of her red hair behind one of her ears, her face tilting down as she kept her eyes on my face and gave me a small smile. - You really helped me, Maya.

-It was nothing. - I shrugged.

-I hope I didn't cause you too much trouble at home. - She said, for the first time referring to the scene Carina had witnessed when she came home from work earlier. - But from what your friend said, your girlfriend isn't that important, is she?

-What do you mean? - I tried not to show all my anger at that moment; having run for some time before starting that conversation allowed the anger to be masked by the already existing increased flow of blood in my face, but I could only feel my face getting hotter and hotter. Adrienne rolled her eyes at me and then she was too close, the two steps that had kept the safe distance between us were no longer there.

-Oh, don't think that I'm judging you, not at all! I can see that she likes you. - Suddenly one of her hands was on mine and the touch was the perfect opposite of inviting; I wanted to pull my hand away from her, I wanted to close my eyes then turn and walk away because the flirtatious little smile on her face, the flutter of her eyelashes, and her fingers playing with mine made me more and more aware of the growing disappointment in my chest. - That doesn't mean that you can't have a little fun, does it?

I said nothing, I was too stunned to say anything, but my eyes darted from hers and as I stared at my feet for a second, I took a deep breath and tried to focus on what was happening now, I didn't want to get lost in my thoughts and be taken by surprise once again by Adrienne.

-Hey, no need to be embarrassed. - Adrienne giggled and I closed my eyes tightly for a second before looking up again. My eyes widened when the hand that hadn't been playing with my fingers came up to my face. - You are so beautiful, Maya! And I promise that now that I know you have a thing for accents, I'm going to say all the most beautiful things to you.

I was about to throw up. My emotions were all over the place, but the anger growing inside me made me nauseous.

-Adrienne... - I began to speak, my voice harsh, bordering on rudeness.

-Shh! You don't have to say anything! I've been waiting for this. - Adrienne spoke, her hand on my cheek, pulling me closer as she tilted her face, closing the distance between our bodies.

TO BE CONTINUED...