29. Chapter 29

MAYA’S POV

Stepping out of my comfort zone always caused me some degree of distress. Being in control of the situation was what I had been taught from an early age, I had always been required to be on top of my game at all times, and from the first moment I met Carina ten years ago I seemed to feel that I was doomed to frustration and to ceding control to the woman who so easily dominated me. Things with Carina were all too easy and at the same time extremely difficult - if on one side not thinking about anything and just feeling was a privilege I had never been granted, the reactions my body had regardless of my will left me overwhelmed by my lack of control.

-Are you okay? - Andy asked pushing her shoulder against mine as we waited for the boys to roll up their hoses to head back to the station after a small fire at a downtown laundry, a great reminder that mixing bare wiring with washing machines was never a good idea.

"I miss you, bambina! When are we going to see each other?"

-Yes, yes! I'm fine. - I locked the cell phone screen causing the message I had repeatedly read over and over in the last few minutes to disappear and although I thought it would bring me some peace, the words on the screen continued to echo inside my mind.

I felt powerless, I felt different, a completely different person, and not recognizing myself in my actions and reactions made me extremely afraid. I was afraid of losing myself, of not seeing myself in the mirror again like when I woke up three days ago and noticed all the red marks that were drawn on my skin as a result of Carina's not so gentle - but ever so pleasurable - caresses the night she was in charge. That morning I felt the ground beneath my feet trembling and it was as if everything I had once believed - lived, felt, repeated - was no longer true because at that moment, looking at the marks of her mouth and nails against my flesh I realized something that made me shudder.

I had enjoyed every second of that night.

Every touch, every kiss, every bite, the pressure of the leather against my wrists as my body tensed seeking release, how I was completely helpless under her touch, how Carina made me feel things I had never felt before.

What did this say about me? The answer I gave myself was even more frightening: submissive.

A few words that made me feel my head spinning into a real knot, a few letters that transformed everything inside me, that changed in an absurd way the way I saw myself and gave me a feeling of shame, powerlessness and fear that I was simply not used to feeling and it was precisely because of these feelings that I had been avoiding my girlfriend for days, despite the longing I felt to hear her voice, smell her or hold her in my arms.

-It seems that your head is somewhere else. - My friend insisted beside me.

-Captain, we're ready! - Travis shouted before jumping into the back of one of the trucks.

-My head is here, Andy. - I mumbled the lie, rolling my eyes and hoping with all my strength that my words were sounding much more convincing to my friend than they were in my head.

-Are you and Carina okay? - Once again Andy seemed to see through all my walls, and I hated myself a little bit more at that moment for ever having allowed Andy to get close to me and end up knowing me so well.

-Why do you have to assume that there is something wrong between Carina and me? I have a life beyond Carina, you know. - I asked back, trying to be evasive in my answer while at the same time sidestepping the subject.

-So, something happened that is not related to Carina? - So many questions! God, I would end up spilling all the beans if she continued to push me, even indirectly, like that.

-Nothing happened, Andy! - I was a little harsher in my answer because that was the only way I knew how to make it clear to my friend that I needed to shut down and deal with my feelings on my own, but the guilt that grew in my chest at seeing her feelings hurt made me let out a heavy sigh. - I...

-Forget it! - The Latina retorted, gritting her teeth as her jaw line became even more obvious.

-I'm sorry, I'm just not having a good day. - It wasn't entirely untrue; my days had been bad since the moment I began to think about what my night of submission truly meant to me.

-I know, and I also know that you'll be dwelling on these bad thoughts inside your mind for days if I don't intervene, or if Carina doesn't intervene, and as much as I feel a twinge of jealousy at seeing her so close to you in such a short time, breaking down every single one of your walls much more easily than I did, I'm still very grateful that she's such a good person to you, so if you don't want to talk to me, talk to her. Carina will help you. - Andy put a hand on my shoulder, a gentle squeeze followed, and a sympathetic smile broke out on her lips.

-I wish I could do that. - A defeated sigh escaped my lungs, but before Andy could make any further comment, I jumped into the passenger seat of the fire engine and put the mufflers over my ears in a clear sign that I wanted to be left alone.

Focusing my eyes on the tablet screen in my hands as I reviewed the protocols that were put in place during that scene certainly wasn't helping to quiet my nagging thoughts. The feeling of not belonging under my skin was still there, like an itch that only got worse with every scratch I gave it, every thought being gasoline for the fire of emotions that burned inside me, and the immense frustration that led to this mess in my chest made my eyes burn with a sudden - yet familiar - urge to cry.

I had always considered myself a dominating person in bed and never received complaints for that in all those years I had my self-care Wednesdays, but after I met Carina again, the way she talked about sex, about intimacy, and the sum of it all with the intense feelings I had for her gave me the space I needed to finally allow myself to live new experiences, allowing me to rediscover sex not as something mechanical and focused only on getting an orgasm at the end of the day to entertain myself, to give me a momentary relief in the middle of an exhausting week, but as an act of surrender and pure devotion from one person to another.

This was why the word submission bothered me so much, I didn't feel good about seeing myself under someone's domination permanently, even though I loved all the new experiences I had that night. I also enjoyed putting Carina in her place, wrapping my hand in her hair and dominating her, slapping her ass, scraping my teeth hard against her skin until she was gasping and begging me to touch her. Now the two halves of me were fighting in the depths of my being and the conflicting thoughts triggered a headache, as expected since the same thing had happened the previous days.

When we arrived at the station, I made sure that all orders were given to my firefighters and walked with hurried steps to my office to collect a new uniform before heading to the shower.

The warm water against my back provided some relaxation for my muscles even though my mind tried to force them to contract. My body felt a lack of care and attention and this kind of realization also gave me a lot of fear, it seemed as if my needs became more and more clear to me, and it was as if I was being confronted with a new side of myself that I didn't know each and every moment.

Realizing that maybe I had been neglectful with myself for years despite going to therapy also made me a little upset with myself and all these feelings, one on top of the other, suffocated me too much at that moment and I used the only resource I had at that moment to get my emotions out.

I cried.

The tears mixed with the water running down my face and I tried to hold back the sobs that wanted to erupt from my throat; it took a few minutes before I was calm again and when I turned off the shower, I felt a little bit better. When I got back to my office, I was determined to answer Carina's message, even though I still couldn't be completely honest with her - or myself - because I missed her too.

"Tonight? I miss you too!"

It didn't take long for me to get a response.

"I can't tonight, I promised Andrea we would go out for dinner just the two of us. Quality time between siblings... Apparently I was being a bad sister who only spent her free time with her girlfriend."

"I hope you at least have a girlfriend who is worth your time."

"Much more than you realize!"

"I hope you guys have a good time tonight!"

"How does tomorrow night sound?"

"Sounds good!"

And then three little dots wobbled on my screen, informing me that Carina was typing, but then they stopped, and I creased my forehead not understanding why my girlfriend would be unsure of texting me.

"Are you okay?"

It was the first time in three days that Carina had asked me that question. We had spent the last few days immersed in work - compulsively on my part, mandatorily on hers - and I had used it as an excuse not to meet after our shifts for the last few days since I needed some time to better understand everything that was going on inside me and amidst all the messages we exchanged, she still hadn't asked me how I was doing. Not having Carina ask me how I was hadn't made me upset, on the contrary, it had made me relieved because I knew I couldn't lie to my girlfriend; being confronted with that question now was forcing me to be braver than I thought I could be at that moment.

"Not completely, physically yes, you don't have to worry about me. But there are too many thoughts in my head and too many feelings inside me, it's making me anxious, but I'll be fine, I promise."

"We can talk about it tomorrow night if you want."

"I'll think about it. But thank you, Car! I love you!"

"Ti amo anch'io, vita mia."

.. .

Still lying in the middle of my bed with only a loose shirt covering my torso along with the comfortable panties I was wearing I stared at the ceiling and hoped that the answers to all my questions would just appear out of nowhere. Grunts of frustration once again escaped my lips and I turned sharply on the bed, as if the movement would dispel my uncertainties, my questions, or the unwanted feelings.

I looked at the clock on top of the nightstand and sighed heavily realizing that it was over one o'clock in the morning and there was not even an ounce of tiredness to give me any hope of sleeping through the night.

My cell phone rang on the bed beside me, the sudden brightness and vibrations making me jump up startled before I rubbed my hand against the sheet at my back to capture the device. Frowning and squinting my eyes that hurt from the disaccustomed light I managed to read my girlfriend's name on the screen and was quick to slide my finger across it.

-Car? Is everything okay? - I asked as soon as the call was connected.

-Sì. - She answered softly, almost shyly.

-How was dinner? - I asked back, still suspicious that she was hiding something from me, it wasn't like Carina to call me in the middle of the night when she knew I was coming off a 24 hour shift.

-Oh, you know how Andrea is, spent half of dinner talking about how wonderful Meredith Grey is, what a great privilege it is to learn from her, that sort of thing. - Even though I didn't have her in front of me I knew that the woman rolled her eyes, pouting in dismay and frowning to make her disgust with the situation even more evident.

-Are you jealous, Dr. DeLuca? - I joked back, letting out a low chuckle.

-You're the only person who deserves my jealousy, Captain Bishop. - She spoke back, still trying to sound nonchalant, and a smile broke out on my lips. - Andrea will get over this crush any day now.

-Are you sure about this? Meredith Grey might become your sister-in-law in the future, you know? - I continued with my teasing trying to hold back my laughter, but Carina's loud grunt on the other end of the line did not help my task.

-Don't even joke about something like that! - Jealousy was evident in every one of her words, and I thought that was adorable. Carina was a wonderful sister. - You weren't sleeping, were you?

-No... It was a quiet shift, we didn't have many incidents, I didn't get as tired as I thought I would, and now I'm not sleepy. I was in bed, trying to sleep, but without much success. - I sighed at the end of the sentence involuntarily, this succession of frustrations was beginning to make me even more sensitive to the emotions that I was trying to control inside me.

-Then can you please let me in? - She asked on the other end of the line, her tone of voice low and cautious.

-Car... I... I told you, I'll think about it. I don't know if I'm comfortable enough to talk to you about everything that's happened, or what's going on in my head, not over the phone anyway. - I sat up in bed feeling even sadder that I couldn't be the open and communicative person that Carina deserved.

-I wasn't talking about this. - Carina let out a low chuckle. - I was talking about letting me into your apartment.

-What? - I asked but was already jumping out of bed and taking quick steps to my apartment door. - Carina?

-Sì? - She spoke back, and I could actually hear her voice through the phone and behind the door at the same time. I moved my hands over the latches and soon I was turning the doorknob. - Buona sera, bambina.

-What... Buona sera, Car. Cosa stai facendo qui? - Good evening, Car. What are you doing here? - I asked, my forehead still creased, my eyes partially wide open, one hand clutching the doorknob while the other kept the phone still pressed against my ear.

Carina put down her own cell phone and clicked the screen disconnecting the call before giving me a smile and taking a glass jar from under her arm.

-Parleremo italiano d'ora in poi? - Are we going to speak Italian from now on? - She asked back, her cheeks taking on a redder hue.

-No, please don't. You speak too fast when you speak in Italian, and I can't understand half of what you're trying to say. - I joked back, also taking my cell phone from my ear and laughing softly while still standing in front of my girlfriend in the doorway.

-Andrea was called into the hospital at nine, we didn't have time to order dessert and I went home, but I couldn't sleep either, so I decided to take a chance and see if you were awake too so we could have blueberry jam sandwiches. - Carina swayed between tiptoe and heels, her face slightly downward, her bangs partially covering her eyes in a clear demonstration of embarrassment. My God, this woman was adorable.

-You had no dessert, you couldn't sleep, and you brought me your favorite flavor of jam so we could eat sandwiches at 1 a.m.? - I compiled all the information that was given to me between laughs and as I thought about her words, I couldn't help but feel that my love for Carina was growing even more within me at that moment. She just didn't seem real.

-Sì. - She nodded a few times quickly, with a mischievous smile on her lips making it quite clear that she was quite proud of herself. - You can just watch me eat too if you want to continue with your lunatic idea that we shouldn't eat sugar after ten o'clock at night.

-And what would be the fun in that? - I joked back, now laughing at her attempt to give me her best threatening look. - Come on, blueberry jam sandwiches need to be made.

-Yes! - Carina bounced into my apartment happily, like the lively child she was in spirit, but then stopped a few steps away from me before turning on her heels and walking back toward me. Her free hand came to the side of my neck and the Italian tilted her face to capture my lips and I didn't know how much I missed her kisses until that moment. - Ciao, bambina!

-Ciao. - I whispered back when her lips parted from mine.

Carina was particularly excited to eat her blueberry jam sandwiches and was chatting excitedly inside my kitchen as she picked up plates and bread before she began to spread a generous layer of jam on both slices that would form a sandwich.

-Mine can have a normal amount of jam. - I said and then laughed.

-What do you mean? - Carina pointed an accusing finger in my direction while half-closing her eyes to show her displeasure with my comment, and the scene only made me laugh harder.

-Oh, nothing, Dr. DeLuca! - I replied immediately, raising both my hands in a sign of surrender.

-That's what I thought! – The Italian grumbled back, and I bit my lower lip to hold back my laughter as I watched my girlfriend prepare me a sandwich.

I poured us two glasses of orange juice and as soon as the snacks were ready, we went to the table. Carina seemed more anxious to be eating the sandwich than to be in my company and gulped down the food as soon as she sat down on one of the stools.

-Hmm! - She groaned, closing her eyes as she quickly chewed the piece of sandwich in her mouth, and I imitated her gesture, nibbling on my own sandwich afterwards. - This is delicious!

-It's literally a carbohydrate bomb, it can't be bad. - I said after swallowing the piece that was in my mouth.

-You, missy, are trying to be a killjoy! - Carina accused me before sipping her juice and closed her eyes as a delighted expression took over her face. - Perfect!

-You are unbelievable, you know that? - My random comment made her open her eyes and arch her eyebrows expecting me to continue with my line of thought. - Just that, you're amazing and I can hardly believe you exist.

-Well, I really do exist, and I'm really hungry! - Carina took another big bite of her sandwich and a big smile spread across my face before I did the same. - How was your day?

-Not a lot of calls, just a fire in a laundry room, no casualties. - I shrugged briefly. - How was your day?

-Oh, so exhausting! Two twin deliveries, one natural, one c-section, I had almost no time to dedicate to my research, and I was reminded at the end of the night of a conference I have to attend in a week. - My girlfriend sighed heavily, and the words and memories of the exhausting day seemed to be erasing her excitement of a few moments ago; her shoulders sagged, her head hung discreetly, and a tired sigh escaped her lungs.

-At least we have blueberry jam sandwiches now! - I tried to lighten the mood with a silly comment and realized it had worked when Carina smiled again before taking another bite of her sandwich.

We finished eating in comfortable silence, exchanging glances and giggles as we smeared jelly on ourselves.

-I'm cold! - Carina whined after putting the dishes in the sink.

-Is this you telling me you want to get under the covers in my warm and comfortable bed? - I asked back, arching one of my eyebrows in her direction, and, purposely covering her upper lip with her lower lip in a pout that could only be described as dramatic and adorable, Carina nodded a few times, again making me laugh at her state of mind that night. - Let's go!

As we walked to my room, I began to be even more certain that I was a lucky woman - in every way these days - and that the universe was being too good to me by giving me what I needed most in the midst of all the chaos that existed within me. Carina was a source of peace and good feelings, being around her naturally made me lighter and calmer - even with the anxiety, fear and frustrations wanting to sabotage my thoughts - and it was comforting to be in her presence after a long and tiring day.

-What are you doing? - I asked as I slid under the covers and saw Carina bending down inside my closet.

-I was looking for.... - Her voice was slightly muffled as she rummaged through my clothes. - This!

When my girlfriend turned around, she had one of my baggy shirts in her hands, one that was from my time as a lieutenant - that is, a very old shirt and one that I was pretty sure had a hole in the left sleeve - and as much as it was amusing to see her victorious expression at having found the article of clothing, it was not so much a surprise since when Carina had stayed at my house to take care of me when I had my surgery she had made a point of wearing that shirt as much as possible.

Carina undressed from the clothes she was wearing - another lucky moment for me - and soon placed my shirt on her body, slipped her hands under the shirt, and wriggled from side to side until her bra was being placed on top of her perfectly folded clothes on the corner armchair.

-You really like this shirt. - I commented as she walked towards the bed. - Do you have a particular reason?

-It's comfortable, smells like you, and makes me realize that you're a little more real than I think you are. - She answered, pulling the covers up so that she could get under them.

-Don't my flaws do that all by themselves? - I asked back, letting out a sad chuckle.

-I can rarely see your flaws. - She shrugged, pulling the covers up to her shoulders before moving even closer to me.

-You really are trying to get into my panties, aren't you, Dr. DeLuca? - I teased between giggles and Carina just rolled her eyes, lifted the covers, and stuck her head underneath them for a few seconds as if checking something and then slid one leg over my body, moving so that soon she was straddling my body and I was torn in my reactions. Half of me was starting to get a little warmer and ready to start some action, and the other half was completely terrified because I didn't feel at all ready to be vulnerable like this again. As if to clear my doubts of what was going on, Carina dropped her whole body onto mine, while her face was nuzzled into the curve of my neck. - Carina?

-Hmm? - She murmured in response, her nose rubbing against the skin of my neck.

-What's going on? - I kept my arms stretched out beside my body, not understanding why I had a fully grown woman simply lying on my body. Carina slipped her arms underneath mine until she could squeeze my shoulders with both hands, now completely attached to my body like a real koala.

-I'll get my period in three days. - She whispered, her lips also moving against my skin, so close were they to my skin.

-Okay? - I didn't know how to respond to this information and Carina lifted her face quickly, her bangs falling across her face, partially covering it.

-I'm sensitive and needy, and now I have a girlfriend who is obligated to take care of me and all my premenstrual symptoms. - Her face disappeared back into the curve of my neck and this time I smiled widely because yes, she was right, I was now someone's girlfriend.

I moved my arms around Carina, hugging her back and pressing her body even harder against mine, and my girlfriend purred in appreciation, making me laugh softly.

-Does this mean that I will have three days of a very clingy Carina? - I rubbed her back with both hands and even though I couldn't see her face I felt her nod in agreement. - Okay, so was there a reason behind your showing up in the middle of the night for a blueberry jam sandwich? Did you come all this way to take advantage of my wonderful cuddle?

-Hey, l taught you how to cuddle! - Carina again abruptly lifted her face from the curve of my neck and looked at me with an accusing look that made me laugh.

-And now the pupil has outdone her master! - I insisted on teasing her and Carina rolled her eyes. - What can you say? You just love my strong arms holding you, don't you?

As if to prove my point, I hugged her tighter and Carina let out another purr, giving in to my strength and laying back against my body, her hands squeezing my shoulders gently as she snuggled in.

-I really do. - She whispered back.

And somehow her words comforted me, making me feel like I was less vulnerable and exposed when I was caring for Carina in her own moment of vulnerability and exposure. It was almost as if we were changing the dynamic of our relationship at that moment, reversing our roles naturally, and it was much more comfortable for my anxiety, insecurities, and fears to be in the place of caregiver and protector.

-I thought you were avoiding me. - Carina's whispered words brought me back to reality and I was even more glad to have her face buried against the curve of my neck because that way she couldn't see my guilty look and my cheeks that were certainly redder.

Staying silent at that moment kept me free of any compromise, any exposure, and instead of feeling relieved, I felt even more guilty. Carina had this way of making me realize more clearly what was healthy and what was not; being silent at that moment was definitely not healthy for my relationship.

-I was. - I whispered back, my hands kept stroking her back, but I felt the woman tensing up on my body. - I still didn't have answers to all the questions that had arisen in my mind since we had last seen each other, I wasn't feeling like myself, and again I turned to my old habits of isolating myself to process all the confusion inside me.

-It's hard to break old habits. - Her tone sounded understanding and not in the least bit upset, and this made me breathe easier. I felt her feet rub against the outside of my calves and let out a chuckle when I realized they were cold, and in response I hugged her and turned my face sideways to distribute kisses over her head repeatedly feeling her body relax completely again.

-I know I told you I was open to trying things out, and it's been quite an... Enlightening... Journey all the moments we have shared with each other, but the theory is much easier than the practice and what you said is true, it is hard to break old habits, it is also very hard to change conceptions that we have had for a long time, even if they are wrong. - More conflicting emotions welled up inside me, I wanted more than ever to share all my feelings with Carina, to tell her about all my insecurities and fears, but at the same time I was so ashamed that the words seemed to disappear from my mind. - I felt... Ashamed... Of having enjoyed the night we had.

-You did? - This time Carina lifted her face to look at mine, in her eyes there was no judgment, but pure concern. Her chin seemed to quiver, her lips remained in a straight line while her eyebrows arched, and my girlfriend seemed afraid of my answer. - Have I embarrassed you in some way? Or did I cross a line and you felt inhibited to tell me about it? Did I do something without your consent?

-No, no! Carina, God, no! - My denial came quickly, and I moved my hands with some difficulty to her face and rubbed my thumbs against her cheeks before lifting my face and giving her a gentle kiss on her nose. - You haven't done anything wrong, vita mia. I... I loved every second of our evening, but I had never done anything like it, and I didn't feel like myself afterwards, I could hardly recognize myself as I thought about all that I did, all that we did. I told you, I had always been the top in my relationships with other women and giving in took a lot out of me, you know, and that night I was such a bottom, such a... Submissive... That I got scared.

Her face still in my hands remained contracted, concerned, tense, her eyes traveled down my face as one of her hands covered one of mine; Carina turned her face sideways and kissed the palm of one of my hands gently before looking at me again.

-I freaked out because I liked it and I was embarrassed that I liked it because I've always been tough and badass, I've always liked dominating a woman, even a man, I've always liked the power that my job gives me and how people see me, and I wasn't any of that in your bed. I know it's wrong, but I felt ashamed to have been so submissive to you, and to have enjoyed it made me question everything inside me, all my conceptions and the way I have lived my life until now. - I explained feeling a wave of relief, putting these words out let me breathe easier, without feeling a huge weight on my back. Carina slid sideways, pulling me around the waist so that I was also on my side looking at her.

-Discovering new things that we enjoy doesn't strip us of our identity, you're still tough, badass, and powerful, and that's exactly what draws me to you the most, Maya, your strong personality. What happens inside our rooms is only about you and me, and discovering new things can be scary, but you are in a safe place, with someone who loves you and won't judge you for being who you are or feeling what you are feeling. - Her eyes were so intense on mine that they mesmerized me, I barely blinked as I listened to her comforting words. - Being submissive for one night doesn't change who you are, enjoying the experience doesn't take anything away from you, it only adds to it, it's one more nuance, one more facet of the beautiful and complex human being that you are. You are not going to become someone different, Bambina, you are going to explore new things.

-I felt so strange, because at the same time that I liked feeling the way I did I also like feeling powerful inside the bedroom. - I confessed, feeling my cheeks burning under Carina's attentive and careful gaze.

-You don't have to choose this or that, one thing doesn't exclude the other, and thank God for that. Letting me sometimes dominate you won't change my desire to be dominated by you, to want you to put me in my place and pin me against the bed showing me who's boss, letting me pin you to my bed won't stop me from asking you to spank me or wrap that strong, beautiful hand of yours around my neck while you fuck my brains out until I think of absolutely nothing. - Her words came out earnestly, naturally, not as a tease or a way to start something, and this surprisingly made me even more heated. - Versatility will never subtract from our relationship, it will only add, but if you are not ready to live this, we will wait, and live other things, until you are ready.

-Thank you, I never expected anything but understanding from you, you always know what to say to give me a little more peace, but sometimes the thoughts inside my head can be cruel to myself and I just get anxious, scared, overwhelmed, and sharing them is hard. - I whispered as I smiled quietly, leaning my face forward and closing my eyes until I started to rub my nose against Carina's, apparently it was something she did that began to make me think of it as a gesture that was just ours.

-I love you, Maya Bishop. - She whispered, her lips brushing against mine with the articulation of the words and making me smile more openly. - And when those thoughts are cruel to you, I will always be here to hold you and help you with whatever you need. No matter what.

I opened my eyes to answer her and saw that a few discreet tears denoted a silent cry from Carina and my heart shattered into a thousand little pieces.

-Don't cry, my love. - I whispered and kissed the tear streak on one side of her face, my lips wet with the salty liquid as I tried to comfort my girlfriend.

-Hormones... - She whispered back without moving away from my kisses.

-I'm so lucky to have you. - My tone of voice was low, careful, because Carina was really quite sensitive, and this conversation had already demanded too much of her. I trailed my kisses down her cheek, carefully kissing the corner of her lips before I pressed our mouths together in a real kiss.

My lips were shy and unsure on hers, the movement was discreet, a repetitive fit of our mouths as we sought comfort and security in each other and allowed ourselves to feel at peace. I felt one of her hands against my waist, going up and down my torso still over my shirt, but the movement made the fabric curl against the palm of her hand, exposing my thighs and the beginning of my ass.

-I love you... - I whispered as we pulled apart, my mouth seeking hers again, but finding her chin as Carina moved to try to sneak even closer to me. I moved my lips along her jawline, slowly moving back and forth, inhaling deeply the scent of her skin and enjoying her delicate touch against my waist.

Carina restarted the kiss not long after, finally being close enough that our fronts were sticking together, and her touch cleared my mind of any insecurity and fear. I wrapped my arms around her waist, my hand flat against the small of her back, keeping her close to me despite the involuntary movements of our bodies seeking to remain locked together. The Italian pulled me to her side, rolling onto her back and bringing me with her, my body now hovering above hers as I tried to support some of my weight with one of my elbows.

-Are you sure? You're not too sensitive? - I asked softly when we had to move away to get some air, heavy breaths being shared in the tiny space between our faces.

-Sì, I want this. - We were so close that I felt her lips against mine when she spoke. - Just...

-I'll be gentle. - I completed her thought and she nodded once in agreement before giving me a discreet smile.

My kisses were distributed over Carina's face, my nose rubbing against her skin, my free hand caressing the length of her arm as she shifted beneath me, spreading her legs apart so that I could settle there. Finding her hand, I intertwined our fingers and moved my lips away from her chin so that I could delicately kiss her wrist before placing her hand against the back of my neck, her fingers soon slipping between the strands of my hair and her fingertips making an intimate and delicate massage against my scalp as I resumed the attention my lips gave her skin.

Carina's body deserved adoration and reverence, and I tried to show it with every touch, with every kiss, with every slow stroke of my wet tongue against her soft skin. With my free hand I lifted the hem of her shirt just enough for her to understand that I wanted it out of my way, and when she brought both hands to the hem of the shirt I was wearing I knew the feeling was mutual.

I got on my knees, sitting on my heels as I raised my arms and let the Italian woman remove the garment from my body; Carina also sat down and repeated the gesture until we were naked except for our panties, our curious eyes studying each other's bodies and it was as if in that moment of intimacy I lacked the space in my chest to hold all the love I had for Carina.

-You are so beautiful. - I brought both my hands to either side of her face before gluing our lips together in a long kiss. - And incredible.

-Maya. - She whispered my name and I felt another hot tear drop against my hand, my eyes opened to see that she was once again letting tears overflow from her eyes, and when I threatened to pull away, afraid that I was crossing a line, Carina held my wrists, keeping my hands on her face as she closed her eyes again and tilted her head to one side toward my touch. I ran my thumbs across her cheeks, wiping away the trail of wetness, and kissed her again.

Leaning my body back over hers until she was lying comfortably, my tongue finally asked for passage into her mouth and was finally received by her own. Slow and precise movements were made by our tongues, the warm wetness of the kiss comforted my soul, and I knew that I was warming not only Carina's body, but also her chest - and that was what she needed at that moment, and so did I.

Slowly I moved my mouth towards her neck, her hands moving up and down my back as I gave her all the attention she deserved. Sighs escaped from Carina, making me warmer, more sure that I was giving her exactly what she wanted, and they became even more frequent when I moved my kisses down to her chest, moving from side to side repeatedly, licking and kissing my way down.

-You feel so good. - She whispered, and a low moan was heard when I kissed longingly one of her nipples.

-You do too... So warm and soft. - I circled her sensitive, stiffened bud with my tongue, closing my eyes to bask in the experience that was tasting Carina's skin. I felt her body arching against mine as a languid moan was released and my body became even warmer, the middle of my legs became wetter and endorphins coursed through my veins.

I nibbled on the sensitive skin before sucking it into my mouth and firm but gentle suctions were given; Carina's hands blended into my hair, massaging my scalp and nape in response to my touch. I moved my mouth to the other side, one of my hands giving attention to the abandoned nipple while I tried to harmonize the movements of my fingers with the movement of my tongue.

-Sì, bambina, proprio così! - Yes, baby, exactly like that! - Carina gasped and I smiled against her skin, her nipple escaping my mouth with a wet sound, and I took the moment to move my kisses down her ribs, first on one side, then across her abdomen and down the other.

The contorting of her body in response to what I was doing was a magnificent sight that only incited me to want to elicit even more intense reactions. My kisses were distributed over her abdomen, her pelvis, her hip bones, and Carina sighed and moaned in response. I massaged her thighs as I moved my kisses down them, changing sides and then back up again towards her abdomen, purposely avoiding her center.

-Look at me. - I asked softly as my face came back to rest on hers after the trail of kisses I distributed over her body. Carina's eyes opened, connecting with mine and there was nothing there but warm feelings, her hands going back up and down my back. - You are perfect, I love everything about you; every freckle, every curve, your smell, your touch... Everything is perfect.

I slipped my hands around her waist to remove her panties, and then moved one of my hands down the middle of her legs in a careful and delicate touch, running my fingers up and down her wet slit, collecting her juices before concentrating on her swollen and already very sensitive clit.

-Maya, please... - She whimpered and I increased the pressure of my fingers against her bundle of nerves, I began a precise, slow circular motion, the way Carina liked it and the way her back arched on the bed told me all I needed to know.

-So beautiful... - I whispered as I watched this perfect scene. I trapped her clit between two of my fingers before running them up and down her length, the tip of them reaching her entrance, but then coming back up once more.

Carina blindly sought my mouth initiating a slow and intimate kiss, I took advantage of that moment to go around her entrance and ever so slowly introduce two of my fingers inside my girlfriend. I knew she was sensitive, the back and forth movement of my hand was careful, but still Carina gasped, interrupting the kiss to moan loudly in response.

-You can go deeper. - She whispered and I did so, thrusting deep into her, inch by inch, slowly, feeling her walls stretching to accommodate the full length of my fingers. - Yes, yes, yes!

-I love you! - I whispered back, kissing her cheek as I repeated the movement of withdrawing my fingers slowly for a few inches to penetrate her deeply again. - So much.

-I... - She gasped and moaned as I added my thumb to her clit. My movements gained a delicate rhythm, not so slow and not so fast, and Carina murmured all her pleasure in response. Her walls clenched against my fingers, there was a delicate pulsing of her clit against my thumb and involuntary contractions of her muscles making sure I was doing everything right. - I love you too.

-I know you do, vita mia. - I spoke back, trying to put aside the throbbing of my own desperate center and concentrating on continuing the cadenced movements of my fingers.

-Non fermarti, sto per venire! - Don't stop, I'm so close! - Carina moaned languidly, her nails digging into the skin of my back as she searched for a support point.

-I can feel it! - I confessed, kissing her mouth awkwardly due to the movement of our bodies and feeling the tightness against my fingers getting more and more intense. Carina moaned audibly, her back arched against the mattress, and trembling took over her body as her walls immobilized my fingers as she came; her lips parted, her eyes closed tightly, her hot breath against my face, every detail making everything even more perfect. I pumped my fingers a few more times before whispering. - I'm going to pull myself out of you now, okay?

-Hm... - That was all I got in response, her eyes still closed, her face still turned sideways as she enjoyed the waves of her orgasm. I moved my fingers gently out of Carina, earning a grunt from her, and lay down beside her before pulling her body close to mine and hugging her back as she laid her head on my chest.

I closed my eyes and enjoyed the feeling of complete bliss that this moment held, I moved my fingertips up and down Carina's spine feeling her breathing ease up again. My girlfriend then sniffled against my chest and my eyes quickly opened, she was crying once again.

-Car, are you okay? - I asked, not even knowing how to act before her tears. - Did I do something?

-No... I... - She closed her eyes and I swallowed hard, I moved one of my hands to her hair, stroking it.

-Hormones? - I asked back, trying to understand what was going on.

-Yeah, that too! - She laughed faintly, still not letting me see her face, keeping it pressed against my chest as one of her hands circled my abdomen. - I'm just not used to feeling this...

-What is "this"? - I asked back, not stopping the movement of my hands, kissing her head affectionately.

-So much love. - She whispered the answer. - And making love to you.

Her words caught me off guard; I wasn't used to thinking about sex that way, like making love, but she was right, that's exactly what happened, we made love to each other.

-Sometimes it doesn't feel real, and I get scared too. - Carina continued. - For so long I have had to take care of myself and others, more of others than of myself to tell you the truth, and having you here, taking care of me... It triggers something inside me.

-Something bad? - I asked back, creasing my forehead in confusion.

-Something unknown. - She answered, sniffling softly once again. - But good.

Her hand went down my belly and then back up again, skimming the bare breast not below her head with her fingertips and a shiver ran down my arms; a pleasurable sensation concentrated between my legs and I bit my lower lip to hold back a moan that wanted so desperately to run free through my lips.

-You make me feel so loved and wanted, you take care of me like no one else does. - I heard Carina's words being whispered against my skin as she began to distribute kisses across my chest; my eyes closed in response to her touch, my breathing began to labor with each contour of her fingers around my nipple, and when Carina cupped one of my pink peaks I moaned loudly.

My brain seemed unable to process anything other than the pleasure I was feeling; as Carina licked and sucked my breasts, her hand traveled to the middle of my legs, pushing my panties down and I wriggled to help her get rid of the garment. Her hand traveled to the middle of my legs and her touch was a gentle and tender stroking against my folds, her middle finger went into my slit and up and down my entire length. I was so sensitive that I could already feel my orgasm building inside me.

-Oh! - I moaned loudly as one of her fingers entered me briefly, then withdrew from me and rhythmically moved back up and around my clit. - Carina!

-Do you feel good? - She whispered the question, releasing the sensitive skin that she had thoughtfully kept inside her mouth until seconds ago.

-So good! - I groaned again, giving myself over completely to the pleasure, my hand still on Carina's back, squeezing her flank, wanting her closer to me, if that was even possible.

My heart was beating fast in my chest, two of her fingers seemed to want to keep up with its rhythm making quick and precise circles over my bundle of nerves while I involuntarily squirmed. My willpower was worthless when it was Carina who was touching me exactly the way I liked.

-Don't hold back, bambina! - Carina ordered, her lips against my ear, and I didn't even notice when she moved beside me, settling herself so that her face was now hovering over mine. Her fingers came down again to my entrance, two of them invaded me and I let out a moan that sounded more like a scream, it was too much pleasure. - Sei perfetta! – You’re perfect!

Her strokes were precise, my walls tightened and my hips jumped off the bed, her fingers were in and out of me, her thumb against my clit was precise in its movements and the familiar tightness at the base of my stomach began to take me to another dimension; I felt Carina's lips kissing my face, my neck, my lap, my mouth at some point also managed to move over hers yet without any coordination while I concentrated only on allowing my orgasm to build and when my whole body tensed up, Carina curved her fingers inside me, hitting a sensitive spot which was what pushed me off the precipice that was my climax.

-Carina! - Her name escaped my lips as waves of pleasure made my body tremble, leaving me surrendered to whatever she wanted to do to me. Her fingers still moved inside me, massaging my walls while her thumb guided my post-orgasm waves, letting me enjoy every second of that pleasure. - Oh, God!

When my trembling ceased and my body lay inert and flaccid on the bed, I felt Carina gently withdraw from me and a few kisses were distributed over my abdomen before she lay back on my chest.

-Sei bellissima! Sei ancora più bella quando sei così, tremante, sudata, rossa, e godi di ogni goccia di piacere che ti do. - You are beautiful! You are even more beautiful when you are like this, trembling, sweaty, red, enjoying every drop of pleasure I give you. - Carina made me smile openly and did what I expected her to do, she ran one of her hands through my hair, getting rid of the strands that were glued against my temples before blowing gently against the skin of my neck and face in an attempt to decrease the heat from my body. Her thoughtfulness, care, and affection were seen in small gestures like this, and I knew that I would never find a more perfect person for me than Carina.

-I'm glad that you find me beautiful even when I'm a complete mess, because you won't be able to get rid of me. - I said, finally opening my eyes to see her wide smile that made me even happier. - Never again!

-That's exactly what I want, never to be rid of you again! - She kissed my lips gently, sealing what a hoped to be a lifelong agreement.