21. Chapter 21

CARINA’S POV

The biting cold of the freezing Seattle morning sent my hair flying around my face, my gloved hands clinging to the railings outside the Ferry while my eyes focused on the vastness of the blue in front of me, blended with the white of the foam as the boat moved along its usual path.

My face ached from the cold and even though I was properly wrapped, the cold seemed to want to freeze my bones, but even so, this pain was much more tolerable than the pain in my chest. My head ached from the tears I had shed that morning after sleeping poorly another night since I had put Maya out of my bed, out of my house, and I now felt that she was out of my life.

This possibility made my eyes fill with tears once again because if all the passion had been felt so intensely, the pain was also being felt to the same extent - maybe even more intensely, because it was eating me up inside, taking over every thought, every breath, every beat of my heart. Imagining my life without Maya was torture.

Her words days ago broke me inside, my words were harsh, and I knew I had hurt her too and now I didn't know who was hurting the most. I wish I could go back in time, maybe prevent our fight from taking such a big turn, maybe not react in the same way, be a little more flexible and try to be more understanding. All these "maybes" only made me suffer a little more knowing that none of this was a possibility, the past was the past and now we only had an uncertain future ahead of us.

Again, I ran my eyes through the people who were also venturing outside the Ferry, but she wasn't there. I walked briskly inside, took another look at the coffee cart and our table, and she wasn't there either.

Two weeks had passed since she had come to my office in the hospital, all fourteen days of much anguish, much pain and much crying and for all fourteen days I had come here hoping to find her among the faces that came and went through the Ferry every morning. I wanted to meet her here and know that she chose to come here, to come to our place, but she didn't and as much as I knew that going to Station 19 or to her apartment would surely get me to see Maya, this was not how I wanted things to work out between us, I didn't want to simply impose my will and not seeing her on the boat all these days made it clear to me that she needed some space. I would not deprive her of this choice.

Her words continued to echo inside my head as I walked to the coffee line, hearing Maya say that she was in love with me made my heart skip a beat, but what came next completely shattered me; realizing that she didn't feel worthy enough to be with me impacted me deeply because I never wanted Maya to think anything like that since having her with me was everything I wanted most. I wanted to call her "my girlfriend" and walk hand in hand, enjoy a beach day somewhere warm and kiss her after having ice cream in the summer. I wanted all the clichés. I wanted to experience all the wonderful parts of the beginning of a relationship and mature into a comfortable routine between us. I wanted to evolve by her side, I wanted to share my days with her, that was a certainty.

The hot drink warmed me up inside, but it wasn't enough to drive away the icy feelings that tormented me, nothing would improve this suffocating and distressing feeling, nothing but talking to Maya again.

…

-How are you? - Andrea asked that morning, I was still rubbing my hands together even after a few minutes inside the hospital that was so much warmer than the city outside. I was walking towards the elevator and my brother seemed to be waiting to ambush me as soon as I stepped through the doors into the lobby.

-I'm fine. - I rolled my eyes and repeatedly pressed the elevator button.

-No, you're not! - He accused me behind me, his hands stuffed in the pockets of his lab coat. - You should just go talk to her, why are you so stubborn?

-It's not being stubborn, it's something called "respecting other people's space," something you clearly don't know how to do since you've been hounding me for the last few days. - I arched my eyebrows at his face and he flared his nostrils, clearly affected by my words. - I don't need you meddling in my relationship with Maya.

-What relationship? - He asked back as he stepped into the elevator with me, and I could only thank the universe that there were no other people inside so that my shame wouldn't be any greater than necessary. - That's exactly what I'm talking about! You are throwing away a possible relationship by being stubborn and cowardly, and you can call it whatever you want, but I said what I said!

-It's not that simple, Andrea! - I insisted, folding my arms against my chest, and waiting impatiently for the doors to open in front of me.

-But it is! - The doors opened, and I hurried to get out of the elevator, but my brother followed behind me and I groaned in frustration knowing that I would never hear the end of it. - Because you know that as much as you've been upset with Maya for lying to you, you've already forgiven her.

-And how do you know that? - I asked over my shoulder and then rummaged through my purse for my office key.

-Because I know you. - He spoke back. - Because I know that as upset as you were about Maya's lie, you reacted the way you did because you were afraid! You felt exposed and vulnerable, and you were afraid of being rejected, for whatever reason you fantasized in your head, because there is no reality in which Maya, head over heels for you Maya, would one day reject you.

His words made me stop in the middle of my office. My brother closed the door behind him, but I couldn't turn around and face him to reply for two reasons, first because the words were stuck in my throat as his accusations echoed through my mind, and the second reason was because everything he said was exactly the truth.

-You should leave. - I said after clearing my throat a few times. - I need to start writing a follow-up paper to my research.

-Just... - He sighed heavily behind me. - Eat something, drink something other than coffee, and don't take another night shift tonight, okay? I'm just trying to take care of you, I know you're my big sister, but I also have the right to make sure you're okay.

-Okay. - I just said, starting to go through the papers on my desk, keeping my back to Andrea so that he couldn't see that my eyes were starting to get moist. I organized things that were already organized waiting for him to leave my office and when he finally did, I blinked hard and let the tears stream down my face.

I was wrong to have used such harsh words with Maya, to say that I didn't know if I could trust her was unfair because I knew that she really hadn't acted in any malice with me, to put her honesty in question hurt her and I knew it; to see her so hurt in front of me two weeks ago here in this very room, made me see her in a different way, even more vulnerable and human, she almost seemed small under my gaze and remembering this made my chest ache. Maya valued her honor, she was a proud woman, and my words were triggers for what seemed like a panic attack when I reminded her of her past and I hated myself for it. The more I thought about everything that happened, the more my throat closed up and burned with the urge to cry and I didn't suppress my tears now that I was alone.

She had huge walls around her heart, I knew that, but I felt that she was letting her guard down for me little by little; I was getting closer to her heart and I would be lying if I said I didn't feel that my feelings were being reciprocated, her kind eyes on me, on my body, her strong arms holding me before we slept together, was all the confirmation I needed, but still I was afraid. Afraid of getting hurt.

And in fear of getting hurt, I got myself hurt.

The minutes dragged on before my eyes and even though I was completely focused on my work my mind was far away from Grey Sloan; knowing that Maya's past was probably full of bad habits I kept asking myself if she was getting enough sleep, eating regularly and not physically exhausting herself at work in an attempt to focus her thoughts on something other than her own feelings - as I was doing now, and I fully understood the reason behind Andrea's concern.

-You're doing a good job, Jo. - I spoke behind the resident in front of me, she was performing a transvaginal ultrasound. - Turn a little more to the left, let's see the left ovary.

-Like this? - She asked back.

-Exactly like this. - I pointed to the screen beside her. - You see, the surface is regular, coloring perfectly normal, blood flow apparently good. To the naked eye we have a perfectly healthy organ and knowing that the patient has no history of gynecological diseases, what do we do next?

-We do the annual follow-up? - She asked back, unsure of her answer.

-Yes - I smiled at the resident and then at the patient. - Everything looks perfectly normal.

-Good! - The patient sighed and smiled.

The day was full of gynecological exams, it was a day without many eventualities on the floor although quite active and when I finally had time for lunch, I decided to follow my brother's advice and actually walk to the cafeteria in search of something other than cereal bars.

-Carina, hey! - I turned my face quickly when I heard my name being called.

-Ah, Amelia! How are you? - I asked politely and walked back to the line, putting on my tray my choice for lunch that day.

-How are you? - She asked back and I sighed heavily, preparing myself for the same stressful conversation I had with my brother earlier. I knew she meant well and was trying to be a good friend, but repeatedly talking about this subject was draining me emotionally.

-Will you believe me if I tell you that I'm fine? - I asked back, walking over to the cash register, smiling at the attendant behind it and handing her my credit card.

-Have a nice lunch! - The nice woman spoke to me as she handed me back the card.

-Thank you, have a nice day! - I replied and turned around with the tray in hand.

-Answering to your question, no, I wouldn't believe it. - Amelia shoved both hands in her lab coat pockets and hurriedly walked beside me as I strolled to one of the tables.

-Are you not going to have lunch? - I asked back, trying to sidestep the subject.

-I ate earlier. - She answered quickly. - But apparently, I should get a snack since we have a long conversation ahead of us.

-Not really. - I rolled my eyes and took the first bite of my food. - Keep talking about it won't solve my problems, you already know absolutely everything that happened, and I know what you're going to say.

-What am I going to say? - She asked back, raising one of her eyebrows at me.

-That I should talk to her. - Another bite.

-See? You're starting to get the gist of what Andrew and I have been talking about for days, weeks actually. - She smiled openly at me, slapped her hand lightly on the table, and I sighed.

-So that's what's going on? You and my brother are plotting against me? - I asked back, letting out a humorless laugh.

-We're trying to talk some sense into your stubborn head. - Amelia spoke quickly. - You know that talking is the only thing that will help you two work things out, and to hell with your idea of "oh, I have to respect her space".

-I don't talk like that. - I pointed at her with my fork.

-That's beyond my point, Carina! - She grumbled. - Are you really telling me that you're willing to lose that goddamn sexy firefighter?

-No, and I don't want Maya because she's a goddamn sexy firefighter. - I rolled my eyes at Amelia and my friend raised an eyebrow at me. - Okay, not just because she's a goddamn sexy firefighter. I want Maya because she's a wonderful person, with such a beautiful, huge heart, and even though she has a slightly dodgy sense of humor and likes dad jokes she makes me laugh so hard my stomach hurts, she makes me feel like the most beautiful, special woman in the world and looks at me like... God... Like she wants to adore me at all times.

Amy's chin trembled and her face turned red as she bit down hard on her lower lip and her eyes shone brighter with the wetness that now took over them.

-Are you going to cry? - I asked, sniffling myself and feeling my own crying coming to the surface. - Because if you cry, I'll start crying right here.

-No! No! We are not going to cry! - She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. - But hearing you talk about her like that makes me want to kick your ass all the way to Station 19 and lock you in her office until you two make up and have hot, steamy sex on her desk!

-Amelia! - I laughed softly, sniffling again before drinking some of the juice that was still untouched on my tray, the liquid being my attempt to push my feelings down my throat and prevent them from wanting to manifest themselves again in the form of crying. She laughed along with me, but soon my laughter died as the image of the blonde flooded my mind again. - I hurt her, Amelia. And I'm ashamed of that, for being so quick to judge her, and talking to you and knowing what I already know about Maya's past I really should have been more sensitive about the way I spoke to her, shouldn't have accused her like that, and now I think she hates me.

-She could never hate you, Carina. - My friend insisted, and I pushed the tray away from me knowing that I would not be able to eat again.

-She said she didn't deserve me, she said she was in love with me and that she didn't deserve me, and I can't stop blaming myself for giving her that impression. - I bit my lower lip as it quivered, my throat burned some more, and I swallowed hard.

-There's only one way out of this. - She crossed her arms in front of her chest.

-I know, I know. By talking to her. - I bowed my head and for the first time I was actually considering following Amelia and Andrea's advice and going after Maya.

-You've given enough time for things to cool down between the two of you, she made the first move last time, she came to you and talked to you. If you were afraid of not having your feelings reciprocated, that is no longer the reality because now you are sure that she is also in love with you, so just go to her and apologize, listen to her, propose that you start over again. You guys are good with fresh starts and your story deserves a second chance.

-I know it does. - I huffed and a lone tear ran down my cheek. - Andrea called me a coward earlier and he's right, you know? I was so hard on her, but only because I was afraid of getting hurt. I really hope that she can forgive me.

-I'm sure she will forgive you, but maybe you need to be a little more emphatic, Maya is just as hardheaded as you are. No offense! And she'll bring up all the excuses about how she's not a good person for you and how you deserve better than her and when she does just kiss her right on the mouth and make her feel all the feelings, all the passion. - Amelia winked at me and I smiled sideways before reaching over the table with my hand.

-Thank you! - I smiled at her. - You are a good friend.

-I'm annoying and pushy, that's different. - She joked back.

-That too. - I jokingly agreed.

-So, you're going after her today? - She asked and I slowly filled my chest with air before nodding a few times. - Good, because I texted Andy and I know she's on call tonight so you can just leave here and go straight to Station 19. Isn't that wonderful?

-So, Andy is also part of the plot? - I asked, arching an eyebrow.

-And Vic and Travis. - She shrugged. - We just want you two to be happy. And one day, when you get married, you can write about how grateful you are to your best friends for doing this for you.

-Okay, you're starting to worry me. - I joked, giving her hand one last squeeze. - But now I have to finish my day full of gynecological exams.

-Good luck with that! - She grunted softly, and I laughed.

After making the decision that I would really gather all my courage and drive to Maya's work after work, the hours seemed to drag on even longer and my heart had no rest inside my chest with all the anxiety that demanded that it worked faster. Now that all the gynecological exams were done and Jo was taking care of my patients who still needed some complementary exams, I sat in the chair in front of my computer and struggled to put together some words that would make sense in my article, except that my mind wasn't focused on work, it was focused on the hope I had of fixing things with Maya, on maybe having her between my arms again and, with some luck, kissing the lips that made me melt inside once more.

-Dr. DeLuca? - Jo spoke after knocking twice on the door.

-Come in. - I spoke loudly, walking to my purse and starting to put away my belongings now that there were only twenty minutes left before my workday ended.

-I just got the last blood tests back from the last two patients, all the tests are perfectly normal, should I discharge them, or do you want to do it yourself? - Asked the resident.

-You can do it yourself. - I said and held my hand out toward her. - Just let me see the tests.

The woman handed me the sheets of paper and I ran my eyes over the pages as I analyzed the patients' blood test results, everything was indeed normal.

-Remember to emphasize the importance of coming back next year to repeat these routine tests. - I handed the sheets back to Jo and she nodded quickly. - Thank you, Jo.

My hands went back to my purse, I grunted when I realized that my cell phone was dead and I couldn't remember the last time it had been active - thank goodness that no complications happened during the afternoon - and as soon as the clock informed me that there were only ten minutes left before I was free to leave the hospital I put on both layers of my coats over my clothes and put on my gloves.

-I am leaving, if you need me, I will have my cell phone on all night, I have two patients who are just waiting for their waters to break to give birth and if they arrive in the middle of the night don't hesitate to call me. - I told the nurses who would be on duty during the night, and they quickly nodded. - Have a good night!

I hurried down the hall and nervously nibbled on my lower lip as I replayed in my head that I was doing the right thing in going to Maya, that apologizing and telling her how much I want her was the right thing to do, and that I would follow Amelia's advice if she gave me any attitude. As soon as the doors opened on the ground floor, I walked out of the metal box and made my way through the reception area towards the exit door.

-Carina! - I heard my name shouted behind me and creased my forehead, spinning on my heels. It was Andrea, he had come running down the stairs in front of the main reception, his hair completely disheveled and gasping from his run.

-What happened? - I asked, creasing my forehead.

-It's Maya. - He simply said, and I felt my mouth immediately dry, my eyes widened, the air was trapped in my lungs, and I felt as if my heart had stopped inside my chest.

I didn't know that my whole world could crumble with just two words until that moment.