20. Chapter 20

MAYA’S POV

I was in love, and I didn't know how deeply in love I was until I saw the person who made my heart beat faster in my chest kick me out of her bed after giving me one of the best nights of my life. Now my chest hurt with every beat and my throat burned with every scream I gave to my firefighters and with the constant urge to burst into tears that insisted on not leaving me.

-I want the reports on my desk by the end of the day, no excuses, no exceptions! - I shouted as I jumped out of the truck. The tablet in my hands, the heavy clothes still around my body as I tried to focus my eyes on the words that filled the screen in front of me and force the sentences to make sense in my head, but it was all in vain because all I could think about was Carina.

-Yes, Captain! - My lieutenants shouted back.

I rested the device on the passenger seat of the truck and took off my gear letting my muscles get rid of the extra tension causing some relief in my shoulders, but the weight on my back remained the same and my emotional fatigue was much greater than my physical exhaustion even after having spent hours on a scene downtown.

I walked to my office, my clothes smelled of smoke, my hair was disheveled, my body was sweaty and sticky after so many hours under the sun in extremely hot clothes, but none of this was relevant at that moment. When the door closed behind me, I moved my hands quickly to the doorknob and made sure that I was locked alone in that room before I walked to my desk, put the tablet on it, sat in my chair and leaned my body back to do what I had been doing for three days and fifteen hours.

I cried.

My father made a point of reminding me that tears were for losers, that winners dealt with defeat by training two, three times harder than before, and at that moment I could hear his voice loud and clear inside my mind, humiliating me, belittling me, telling me how stupid I looked and how pathetic that scene was, but I still couldn't help it. There was not enough energy in my body to hold back the tears that had started inside Carina's room three days ago, there was no stopping the flood that overflowed my chest and the choking feeling that came from remembering the pain and disappointment in the eyes of the woman I was in love with when she called me a liar.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

How could I even think that starting our story with a lie would somehow end well? I wasn't dealing with just any woman, she wasn't just another one in my bed, my words, my intentions and gestures were relevant to Carina - and I wanted them to be - and all I did was screw it up.

The truth was that ten years ago, when she disappeared, I was walking through the streets of Seattle when I saw a flyer stuck on the wall behind a counter of a coffee shop near my apartment where "Private Italian Lessons" was written in big letters. I would never have put myself in this situation ten years ago, hiring a private teacher to teach me Italian, so I turned to books and the internet and little by little - and with great difficulty - the language started to make sense to me; the second truth was that what motivated me to start learning Italian was Carina and realizing today that even her absence impacted my life to such an extent left my chest even more sore and my breath caught in my lungs with the fear - dread - I had of losing her. Ten year ago, I pored over books and online videos to somehow feel closer to the woman who filled my dreams every night and today, after filling my bed, I had lost her.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

The third truth was that I loved it when Carina said things in Italian close to me without thinking I was understanding, that's when my heart seemed to want to explode in my chest and half the time something came out of her lips in her native language I melted and gave myself more and more to Italian. The fourth truth was that my plan of how I was going to tell Carina that I knew a little Italian was silly and cheesy, and had been planned exactly six days ago, hindering my peaceful sleep with all the anticipation and anxiety that had been building up inside me since the - now so terrible - idea.

-Maya? - Andy was on the other side of the door, banging her knuckles against the wood a few times and trying to turn the knob.

-One second. - I tried to speak without my crying voice being perceptible.

I straightened up in my chair, quickly ran my hands under my eyes, and rubbed them down to wipe my cheeks as well. I sniffled a few times, my nose kept trying to run and I didn't need to look in the mirror to know that my face was probably completely red.

I walked to the door anyway and taking a few deep breaths turned the latch on the doorknob and unlocked it. I turned my back on Andy returning to my chair as soon as she took the first step into my office and listened as she closed the door behind her.

-Aren't you going to take a shower? - She asked, making no mention of approaching my desk, I remained with my back to her, looking down, trying to convince my eyes to stop overflowing.

-Later. - I had to clear my throat before I spoke so that my voice wouldn't be so slurred.

We remained silent, Andy didn't speak a word, her silence was both comforting and deafening; her steps towards me after a while made me cringe, my back stretched as straight as possible and my arms clung to the sides of my body. Her small hands went to my shoulders, she was behind me and squeezed my muscles under her fingers before running them down my arms and a second later her small arms were around my ribs, meeting at my stomach as she pressed her front against my back.

-What are you doing? - I asked softly, looking down at my friend's close contact. At that moment more alarms sounded in my head because I didn't grow up having any kind of physical comfort when I was going through a hard time and even though I had opened up a little more to some level of intimacy with Andy over the years I still wondered at the feeling of having my friend's arms around me.

-I'm hugging you.

-Why? - I asked back and the comfort of her arms around me took me to a place that was comfortable and quiet and told me it was safe to cry, a place that was never part of my reality growing up. My crying needed no further indulgences, it didn't ask for permission, it drowned me and overflowed out of me at the same time, but there, in that moment, with Andy's embrace, it came tame, calm, like a warmth that started in the center of my chest and spread through each of my cells little by little.

-Because your heart is broken and you're sad. - She answered, pressing me even tighter against her when she heard my first sobs. - And you need a hug, so just let me hold you.

And so, with very few words, I felt for the first time in my life that it was okay to cry. That I was allowed to. That I was in the right place to release everything that was locked up inside me and tormented me so cruelly.

So I cried, and then I cried some more.

With each sharper gasp, with each more desperate search for air, Andy pressed her body against mine and spoke softly, "It's okay, I'm here, you can cry," and this only opened the door to an irrepressible urge I had to let all the suffering I had been trying to contain for three days come to the surface without restraint.

-What did she do? - Andy asked when only sobs could be heard.

-Nothing. - I managed to answer and rub my hands against my eyes. - That's why it hurts so much. It hurst so much because I broke my own heart.

-What do you mean, Maya? - She asked finally loosening the grip she had on me; Andy took a step back and then I turned to face her.

-I've ruined everything. - I sniffled. - She told me so. I ruined it because I lied to her.

-What? You're not a liar, Maya! You're the most honest person I know, something must be wrong. - Andy kept her eyebrows drawn together and held pure confusion on her face.

-I didn't tell her I could understand Italian. - I began.

-You didn't tell her? But... But what about all that hot Italian sex I thought you were having? - She now looked a little indignant at having her own fantasies dashed and I finally laughed after three days. It was a low, almost lifeless laugh, but still a laugh. - Maya…

-I didn't tell her that I understood Italian, and she confessed all of her feelings and fears that she had about being with me, she spoke from her heart in Italian and I couldn't just pretend that I didn't understand anything because then I would be a horrible human being. I told her, and she was very upset and hurt by it, she told me that she had trusted me and that I had betrayed her trust, she called me a liar, she compared me to her father who apparently was a liar and then she asked me to leave. - The words came out of my mouth quickly and I didn't know how understandable they were because they were mixed in with my sobs and tears, but Andy nodded a few times as I spoke, so I guess she at least got the gist of what I was saying.

-Did you apologize?

-Yes! Of course, I did! So many times. - I rubbed my hands against my cheeks and grunted loudly, it was too frustrating not to be able to stop crying. - And she asked me to leave anyway.

-She probably needed some time. Maybe you should go after her in person, it's been a few days and trying to reach her by text might not be what you want right now. - Andy crossed her arms in front of her chest and I shifted my weight on my feet.

-I don't know what to do. What if she doesn't want to talk to me? - I asked back.

-Then she'll tell you that and you'll respect her time, but Carina is crazy about you, Maya, and as much as she's hurt, I can't see a way she wouldn't try to give what you two have a second chance. It's no ordinary thing, you know that! You guys are in love, and you should be together. - She smiled sideways at me, and I felt my cheeks heat up.

-I'm not good with feelings Andy, what should I do?

-You're good at whatever you set your mind to be good at. Carina has been so patient and caring, trust her and open your heart to live this, Maya, you deserve to fall in love and be happy with the woman you so deeply adore. - My friend put both her hands on my shoulders and gave them a firm squeeze. - Don't let your fear stop you from experiencing something extraordinary.

I nodded a few times as I let her words flood my mind. She was right, I owed it to myself to try to make things right with Carina.

…

My hands were sweating, and I kept rubbing them against the fabric of my pants in an attempt to calm my nervousness a little more, but nothing seemed to contain the trembling of my fingers and the nauseating feeling in my stomach. I walked hurriedly through the hospital corridors as I made my way to the elevator, I pressed the button for the floor where I was sure I would find Carina and the metal box didn't move fast enough.

-Good afternoon, is Dr. DeLuca with any patients? - I asked one of the nurses I found at the nursing station in the middle of the floor.

-No, she is in her office, do you have an appointment with her? - The woman offered me a smile.

-No, I... Uh... I was hoping I could talk to her; I'll just go knock on her office door then. - I shoved my hands in my pants pockets as the woman nodded in front of me and pointed toward her office. - Thank you, have a nice day!

I walked slowly towards the door, my head down as I took a few deep breaths and tried to convince my heart to calm down, but nothing seemed to calm my nerves, so I just knocked on the door in front of me a few times and waited until she allowed me in.

-It's open! - She spoke loudly from inside and I slowly opened the door.

I walked into the room and closed the door behind me, and Carina was on her back, tinkering with something on one of the shelves and gasped as she turned toward me.

-Maya. - She spoke quietly.

-Hi. - I tried to smile, but my face didn't respond as well as I wanted it to, and I guess I just moved my lips in an insecure and awkward gesture. - Can we talk?

-I... What...? - She frowned, I was preparing myself to be thrown out of her office next, her gaze was hard on my face, but when she put her hands together in front of her body and looked down at her fingers before letting out a heavy sigh my heart fluttered at the possibility of not being so intensely rejected. - What do you want to talk about?

-About us. - I sighed before continuing. - I just hate that I hurt your feelings, that you're so upset with me, that I let you down. I really didn't think that my omission would lead to such drastic consequences, I didn't do it in malice, I didn't try to deceive you, I just... I just felt so good the first time you called me "bambina", no one has ever been so affectionate to me before and I could tell you were more comfortable doing it on your language, so I let you keep doing it. I know it was wrong and I am truly, deeply, sorry.

She nodded a few times, and I noticed that she swallowed hard and nibbled at the corner of her lower lip - maybe it was a gesture signaling her nervousness - but she didn't say anything in response, so I just continued.

-I know we don't know everything about each other, I know your history with your father is rough, and I'm sorry that not telling you that I understood a little Italian has reminded you of the terrible things he's done in the past. Even though I had no way of knowing this before, I'm sorry for that too. - I took a deep breath, continuing to stare into her eyes.

-Thank you for apologizing for all of this. I know you've apologized before, but I was too shaken to process any of your words. - She finally spoke, her hands still clasped in front of her body, her gaze flicking to her feet before returning to my eyes. - But now I feel like we're always going round in circles, and I know you've probably had a tough path developing relationships in the past, maybe it's still hard for you, but I can't just hope that you won't hurt me again, Maya.

Her words hurt inside me, squeezed my heart and made me want to cry.

-I'm not a teenager anymore, I'm not fooling around, I want someone by my side that I can count on and trust. And as much as I know, with one hundred percent certainty, that I can count on you because I've seen how reliable you are, how dedicated you are to your friends and the people you care about, I don't know if I can trust you, Maya. - I couldn't hold back the tears that escaped my eyes. - I don't even know if you are emotionally available to try something serious between the two of us, you tell me that you are trying to get rid of your old habits and then lie to me for weeks, I don't know what I can believe.

-It's not easy for me. And I'm not going to justify my mistake anymore, I've already acknowledged it and apologized for it, but you don't know how hard I've been trying with you, how difficult it is and how out of my comfort zone I am, even here, now, being vulnerable and opening my heart to you Carina. I know it's not your fault, you have no way of knowing what I went through or what I was like, but you are giving me very little credit here. - At this moment besides the sadness and pain I felt in my chest, a little anger also began to bubble up inside me. - You say that you don't even know if I'm emotionally available for a relationship with you, and you really have no way of knowing because you just didn't let me talk three nights ago and apparently you don't think I've demonstrated my feelings well enough to make things clear to you.

-I didn't say that. - She spoke back, this time in a low, almost embarrassed tone.

-So what did you say? - I asked back, my chest heaving, and now there were no longer tears streaming down my face but a warmth rising in my chest. - I can't tell you how sorry I am that I'm too broken for you.

-Now you're just being unfair to me, I never demanded anything of you, Maya! I respected you, and I respected your time, I always tried to show you that it was okay to be the way you are and that I didn't care about your past, your traumas. I just want you to be mine. - A cold shiver ran down my arms and my hair stood on end, my stomach churned inside me, and my head spun with it.

-I'll never be yours! - I spoke back, my breathing rapid as her words echoed in my head and reminded me of darker times in my past. - I'll... I will never... No one will own me, ever again!

-Maya... - Carina took a few steps towards me, stretching out her hands in my direction, but I took steps backwards, evading her touch. - Maya, take a deep breath!

-I... - I was dizzy, my breathing was still rapid, my hands were shaking, and I could feel the adrenaline in my stomach.

-Hey, Maya! Look at me, I didn't mean it as in owning you, I promise! - She spoke, holding both sides of my face, keeping her gaze fixed on mine. - I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that.

-My father... - I gasped, her eyes giving me some comfort, my breathing slowly slowed, but my heart still beat strongly in my chest. Her warm hands against my face soothed me. - My father owned me, for so many years, he controlled every step I took, every decision I made, he abused me, he broke me.

-I'm sorry. - She spoke, still looking into my eyes, her hands still on my face. - I didn't mean it like that, I want you to be with me, that's all. I don't want to own you; you are your own person.

I stood silently staring at Carina, feeling the hot trails of tears running down my face again, but my heart was calming inside my chest and the air seemed to fill my lungs properly again, ridding me a little of the dizziness.

-I'll never really deserve you, Carina. - I whispered the words still looking into her eyes as my cheeks became even wetter. - I'm in love with you, but you deserve someone better than me, someone you can trust and spend a life with without worrying about having to glue all the pieces back together.

I grabbed her wrists and pulled her hand away from my face, bringing my hand to the doorknob.

-I'm sorry I hurt you. - I spoke, and now I saw that her eyes were also glistening with tears that were welling up there. - I'm sorry for everything.

I opened the door behind me, saw her mouth slightly open as if she was going to say something next, but I didn't wait long enough to hear her words, I marched out of her office and practically ran down the hall toward the elevator.

I tried to hold back the tears that streamed down my face, I couldn't just walk through the crowd with my face stained by the sadness and despair that flooded me at that moment. For the first time in many years, I felt like the scared teenager of so many years ago, feeling the presence of the ghosts of my past all around me as I walked out of that hospital leaving behind one of the best things that ever happened to me.

I still couldn't understand how things had gone from such perfectly fine, to complete chaos, but what I did know was that it was my fault, I was the only one to blame and I had drawn my own fate with my choices. Now I was hopeless and hurting, my heart in tatters inside me as my father's harsh words kept echoing inside my head, reminding me that maybe the only way to some success was to actually keep my eyes forward.

Andy was wrong. There was no such thing as happily ever after. I didn't deserve her.

I will keep my eyes forward.