The Epic of Seaweed

Full Disclosure before you dive in,

I'm sleep-deprived, and am writing this with wholly impure intentions (reference the cover of the book).

Oh and, the MC is like a Free Tinker for those in the know. For those not, eh, you'll know soon enough.

-

I sincerely believe that everything in the world has a logic behind it, that can make sense of what occurs at any given time.

It might not be the logic you or I conform to, but it is there.

Someone shot up a school?

They were probably fed up with all the shit they had to deal with over there or maybe they just thought it was funny.

I reiterate, this is not the logic morally upstanding and understanding individuals like myself conform to, it is simply the logic this person came up with to justify their actions... or perhaps even not.

Some will use the logic of the masses, some will be outliers, but all actions made by people will always be explicable in a certain way... but there's too many variables, too much freedom of thought to explore this.

Everyone is different, yes, even those guys that think they need approval from strangers to live a good life.

It might be a minimal difference, or it might be a glaring one.

Like the difference between a serial killer in a pink spandex and a blue collar worker with a secret membership in the local 'exotic' club.

But, science is different, science is fact.

There is nothing that does not conform to science.

There are only things that do not conform to it... yet.

So, what I'm trying to say is, everything is logical.

And as such, I, a twelve year old, standing on top of a manse in nothing but my undies and waving around a DIY flamethrower is also totally logical.

It is most certainly not some manifestation of my teen mind and other underlying mental issues.

I am perfectly capable of coping.

"Death to the bugs!"

 A purple haired girl with a body that should not belong to a teenager called out to me from the yard, her head low and voice afraid, "Onii-sama... we'll be late for school."

Dear strang-...sister, school is nothing but a jail meant to restrain free minds like mine.

As such, it is logical to never go.

With a simple push of a button, hot flames spewed from the contraption in my hands, burning away at the expensive wooden ceiling of my new home.

I get how it works, I get how I built it, but I can not formulate the words needed to explain it. It comes as instinct... like most of what I do and as such, is logical within the confines of my own understanding.

When I woke up today, I found myself in the teen body of one Shinji Matou from the Fate Stay Night series, in a western style home surrounded by mansions of different kinds, traditional Japanese and Western.

Now you might say, "Shinji, why are you giving yourself away to the centuries old bug man with magical bullshit when you have nothing on you?"

And I would tell you to shut the fuck up, your opinion will matter when you come out of your mother's basement and actually touch some grass instead of fapping to pencil art.

Wait, no, sorr-... no nevermind, I'm not sorry.

I can't believe I faltered there for a moment.

...Maybe the prospect of never getting to see family and close friends and waking up in a world filled with nothing but shit is getting to me... Not.

Jokes on you fate, I didn't have any family or close friends!

The pursuit of science and invention does not leave time for such menial things.

Hm... That came out a little more pathetic than intended but I'm sure you get the gist of things, as sensible as you must be after developing trust issues from an over-dosage of fictional stories.

I looked up at the Sun, inhaling the completely fresh air afforded only to a bustling city with copious amounts of automobiles, before I looked down again.

A small crowd of distinguished gentlemen had started gathering outside my humble abode... I pointed at one, "You sir, are you struggling against the matrix? Or are you an NPC?"

"...What?"

The smol Japanese man looked at me like I was crazy.

But I wasn't crazy, they were.

What sane man would live this close to Zouken Matou, the bald dick-bug-mancer?

See I was sane because I kept killing them with fire.

"Onii-sama... Grandfather will be upset." My new sister tried to placate my righteous campaign, perhaps pandering to the fear this boy had for the old man.

But unfortunately, I am not the boy she's used to.

Dear sister, I'm sorry, but your older brother is gone.

I'll make sure to feed you in his stead.

"Fuck that bug dude. Tell him to shove one of his dick bugs up his ass, maybe his cOlD dEAd HeARt will feel something." 

Now sister, don't flinch, it's not you I'm flipping off or getting mad at.

It's the old pervert looking at me through you.

Shinji Matou was a boy born without the ability to practise the magecraft these backwards idiots prided themselves on... So he developed some complexes and issues that he vented on his surroundings.

He couldn't cope with the fact that his 'sister' was more competent and would lead the family next.

Summarily, he just couldn't take an L.

It was nothing but pure skill issue according to my wholly unbiased logic.

He had 6 years to man up but couldn't.

"Where the hell did he get a flamethrower?"

Thank you, random stranger.

Allow me to brag.

I raised the mass of gas canisters with a stove lighter attached at the end and smiled, "I made it."

"Yeah, a kid made it. Sure."

I promptly, and reasonably, flipped this stranger off.

"Oi, you're a kid! Don't disrespect your elders!"

I smiled innocently at his words, "What does it mean sir? My father did this while watching TV... A-And..."

The Matou household did not have a television.

"Huh! People don't know how to raise their ki-"

"And your mother said she liked this finger best."

A symphony of gasps echoed in the empty neighbourhood... Music to my ears.

Byakuya Matou might have been a good for nothing shithead that couldn't keep his marriage or raise a kid worth a damn but he was this boy's father... As such, I reserve the right to berate him at my leisure when I get bored.

It's not as fun when everybody does it.

Why do you think people are into voyeurism so much these days?

I scratched my seaweed-like navy hair with a groan.

These people and the meek countenance of my sister distracted me from the fact that a dozen or so bugs are trying to discreetly crawl up my ass at the moment.

It does not help that they are shaped like the dick my grandfather wishes he had.

Maybe if I had time, I could throw something together that could blow this whole place to kingdom come but right now, I am lacking in that and resources.

And... There's also the girl meekly staring up at me, still afraid for my well-being despite the shitty way this boy treated her for so much of her life.

Men are fallible, I am the same.

Now, calm your tits and get those evil main character dicks out of your mouths, I can't be expected to abandon this child with how shitty her backstory is even if I recognise it's optimal.

"Hmm... a tactical retreat will do. You'll never take me alive bastard!"

I leapt off the rooftop with a large grin on my face.

In retrospect, this was not the best of decisions as I landed on the concrete footpath.

Snap.

Legs aren't supposed to be right next to your face, are they?

Croak.

And that was my arm.

"Fuck nugget."

Goddamn, that's not the first time I've broken a limb with my lack of foresight but it hurts like a biyatch.

"Onii-sama..."

Dear sister, stop looking at me like I've lost my mind.

I'm not crazy.

My mom said I was just special.

Breaking my limbs allows me to expertly feign that my whole panic attac-...er, Plan A, was an episode from frustration and trauma.

Plan B is building an ironman suit.

Let's hope I don't have to go for Plan C because it might give Japan a 3rd reason to call itself the Land of the Rising Sun.

I can enact Plan B when I wake up because I can feel the adrenaline wearing off.

But Shinji Matou is not a bitch anymore.

I won't let pai-

"OH MY GOD! MY LYEG!"

Okay nevermind, my mouth betrays the profound plane of existence my mind is on... and this hurts a lot.

Okay fuck, that hurts a lot lot.

"Onii-sama! Please, let... me help you." Sakura rushed to my side, crouching down on her little knees and putting my head on them, uncaring of the concrete pavement bruising her skin... even though Shinji's such a cunt, "Don't go to sleep."

"Ugh... I see stars."

Dear sister, I will treasure you forever but can you please stop trying to manually put my arm back in place... humans aren't lego... They'll never be lego.

-

I've never written in first person before but it's something I've really wanted to try. How's it turn out?