Ch. 1:

♦︎Autumn:The dying beauty ♦︎

Ena

'(W) hy did I ever thought that it would have changed? That I could just try and be normal again?'I wrote with a choked laugh.'

'Nothing has never been normal and it would never be. So why do I keep on living when I know it would all end soon? why couldn't I just die already?'

"Fraülein Ena! Come down dinner's ready !" Greta called from downstairs ,interrupting me from my somber thoughts.

"Coming!" I called back. Closing my diary and putting it in the safe place of my drawer, I hurriedly searched for a tissue to erase the culprit tears and tried to regain my composure , putting on the fake mask. I looked at my wall mirror. Cocking my head to the side I wondered who the person looking back might be ?

" That's not me..." I said faintly. But how would I know who I've ever been? The times I lived with innocent thought of being loved and the insouciant belief that I was lucky and happy, long gone, probably took away my joy and cheerfulness too. And now I don't know what kind of a person I am anymore. It's the people around me that define me. Therefore for my family I am the brave, kind and smart girl they think I am. And for some other people I'm the doomed, pitied poor girl...

The pounding of my sister on the door pulled me out of my reverie. I blinked twice trying to refocus on my room.When I went to open the door , the poor thing missed a step and tripping fell down.

"Lone! What did I tell you about leaning on the door? You could get hurt!" I told her severely. She looked at me with her puppy eyes.

"Sorry Ena, I just wanted to make sure that you were fine." She said with a little voice.

Aww.. She's so cute. I'm calling a 12 years old girl cute, but if she were to hear me , even in my mind , hum let's say she wouldn't be happy.

"Okay." I said bending down to her height "let's not argue princess. I'm just fine. See ? " I said trying my best smile.She pouted. Then frowned I guess she saw through it.

"Don't try to fool me with a smile. We both know it's fake." I feigned innocence cocking my head to the side with questioning eyes.

"What do you mean?" I asked my voice soft and hollow.Then she hugged me. I was surprised. My sister could be somehow called kind and gentle but she always held herself from showing tears or being pitiful about herself or anyone else. She hated sad things. I thought that was why she never acknowledged my problem. She still hasn't.

I think she's also trying to accept it her own way by denying it. She liked thinking I was always fine so much so it becomes hard when I actually get sick.But when it came to exposing me to myself she sure wouldn't reconsider anything.I hugged her back though. It felt warm and loving. It felt like her heart.

"I'm sorry, I lied." I said quietly.

" You know you shouldn't have to when it comes to me." I laughed faintly trying to reassure her. But truly my heart didn't feel like anything anymore. I was tired. And after the events of today, more than ever before.

" Now let's go downstairs Mum's waiting and I'm hungry." Leading me by my hand she pulled me downstairs like a madwoman and missed breaking me a leg two or three times at least.

"Slow down!" I exclaimed urgently. Then when she came to a stop ,I bumped on her back.

"Ouch! Watch out! Why stop so suddenly ?"

"I remembered it just now... I need to tell you something."

"And what is it ?" I asked expectantly.

"I .. m..mum is in one of her moods today." she started with a sad face. "So beware!" She screamed so loud it startled me. Then she ran in the hallway leading to the dining room like lightning. She was so lucky she could be carefree around Mother. I thought wistfully staring vaguely at the place she was standing. Mother being 'in her mood' didn't mean the same thing to her as it did to me.

"Fräulein Lona don't run in the corridor !" I let out a little laugh. That was our governess Greta yelling from the dining room and even as far as it was , she could hear Lone's footsteps from the stairs . She had auburn hair and was plump and cute. She was surely in her mid fifties. She was like a grandmother to me and also the funniest of the few people I knew and loved. I resumed my walking and when I came in front of the door knob I closed my eyes, took in a deep breath and stepped in.

My mum was sitting at her usual place watching Lone with tender eyes as the girl ate. I felt a pinch at my heart. I chose to ignore it. At the end of the long white napped table , I spotted Greta standing near her.

I wouldn't say we were rich but thanks to my mother's hard working, we got quiet much what we needed.I took my seat near Lone taking care of not letting the chair creak and trying to avoid my mother getting any more riled up for whatever reason she was. She didn't lift her eyes from Lone until I greeted her.

"Good evening Mother." I waited patiently for her to answer , hoping that she wouldn't mind me tonight and just let me grieve in peace about one of them happening yet again today.

"Good evening to yourself. Is it just now you noticed you had a mother to respect?"

I didn't answer. I should have probably apologized for whatever I did, but experience and good judgement taught me never to talk back to your mother. I had to keep an emotionless mask on at all cost. She shouldn't see my anger at her for doing what does to me everyday , if I want to survive. I couldn't even dare laugh or be too happy for fear that she thinks I am insolent towards her when she lectures me. She finally relented from her silence.

"What happened today? Did your things ...You know..." Letting the words trail. Wouldn't she even acknowledge it? I never knew what to think of my mum . How could she be harsh and somehow fake some involvement in my case ?

But even so I didn't want to tell her. How the one of today almost got me to kill myself. I couldn't appear weak in front of her. For some reason, I still wanted to get some esteem from her, if anything , it would make me feel like I mattered.

" Today I heard voices.Urging me to give up, to accept my fate..." I answered lightly. I looked at her trying to pick up on some emotion of hers. Anything. "Then I started coughing violently and uncontrollably. Oh and I spat blood too. You know, the usual." I said sarcasm dripping from my tone, yet I couldn't help the overwhelmingly dangerous need for Mother to show interest. Yet she showed no reaction.

"I'm sure it's nothing bad it's been happening for some time now if I recall. It'll pass if you haven't vomited." She said her tone impassive.

"I'm sure it will." I said with a forced smile more to reassure myself then her.

"Huh..." She said thoughtfully. She wore a neutral face , if I knew anything from seeing people do this , then it would be so they can hide their thought. But I knew nothing about Mother so I wouldn't be so sure.

"Since it's you I don't worry." You don't care about me. Said again the voice in my head. I agreed with her .I'm sure she didn't mean it.

She brushed the hair out of her face and sighed wearily. Then she got up and went to her room saying good night to none in particular. I wasn't lying when I told her about what happened today.But it hurt to think, to sense , that your mother somehow hated you for something you've obviously done because no one would hate you for nothing right ? She didn't even try to look for injuries or ask me how I felt. Is that how a real mother should behave? Does she even care? I shrugged the hurting thoughts out of my mind. It didn't help to mull over this. I didn't want to feel anymore pain than I had throughout the day.

Though it may sound strange that my mother didn't suggest me medical care which is also normal seeing the way she is, it has not always been like that. I've undergone a lot of them since I was born. But with no success. Doctors didn't find anything was the matter with me but couldn't quiet explain the cause of my illness. I had these inexplicable fits of convulsive pain at the most remote moment , then would faint most of the time and then just be back up like nothing happened.

Then I became the center of international curiosity being entitled The Child with the Mysterious Disease. I didn't escape being labo experiments' guinea pig either- that paid us well which contented my mother to some point - and also went through the press harassment until my parents decided to put a stop to it and brought me and my then two years old sister to a calm and secluded country out of sight. It eventually took quiet a time for people to forget about me surely assuming that I was dead. But the nearby neighborhood knew of course of me but weren't as annoying. If nothing doctors knew at least that I wouldn't live past my 6th birthday. They were wrong because still not understanding how, I managed to live it up to my 16th. But how long I am yet to survive? This was the thought that kept looping in my mind day after day. How long yet?

A tugging on my dress took me out of my toughts.

"Yes princess ?" I asked turning to my sister.

"Say let's go sleep."

"Okay I'm coming but I'm not sleeping with you tonight."

"Oh yes you are." She said in a bossy way knitting her cute shaped brows together and putting her hands on her hips.

"Uh uh no way you're too grown up for that." I said with a smile.

"But not too much." She said pouting.

"Yes not too much." Greta answered mimicking her. I laughed heartedly. It's so fun how childish she could be sometimes.She never acted like that in front of my mother.

"Aww not you too!" I said playing defeated. Then turning to Lone "And you! Don't get us started already." I menaced playfully.

"Alright then just say yes."

"Humm If I may intrude the little girl wouldn't disturb you know and she needs a sister to rely on even at night." Greta said in her most serious tone. I tried to hide a smile.

"If by not disturbing, you mean punching me and bouncing and shoving her foot in my mouth 'accidentally ' while sleeping? No thanks I don't need a sister who lies over me at night."

"Hmpff..." Lone let out.

"Getting crossed are we?" I said playfully trying to annoy her an evil smile across my lips. Seeing as she was not reacting, I gave up.

"Okay then. Since there's no use arguing with you." I admitted as I stood up from the table.

"It was about time." She said with a satisfied grin. Sharing an accomplice look with Greta , she turned around and headed to her room. I got to tidying the room and clean the dishes but Greta stopped me .

"Let me do. Don't tire your feeble hands already." I didn't argue, since I knew wouldn't win.But I didn't like it that she called me feeble. Did I look like an old woman or what ?

"Ouch!!" I yelped from surprise , then quickly covered my mouth trying to stifle the sound.

"Fräulein Ena !" I heard Greta scream my name in panic. A sudden pain surging from my brain to the tip of my toes made me flinch. I bent down from it. It was sorely aching . I was breathing hard and trying to contain myself. I wanted to cry for help but it would be of no use because no one could make that pain stop.

"Miss Ena! Miss Ena! Don't cry I'm here." Greta was saying on and on her voice trembling. I couldn't hold it in anymore. I burst out crying now , lying on the ground. Covering my mouth with one hand hoping to hide blood dripping from my mouth. I didn't want Greta to see it. My other hand was clutching my stomach tightly in a desperate attempt to lessen the pain.

"Give up , give up, you're dying, you're dying." My thoughts became a whirlwind of chanting desperation.

" No! No!" I yelled through choked cries. Blood was spurting from my mouth. I was coughing and breathing sharply. My eyesight was getting blurred,my whole body burning me. I still felt Greta holding me while crying and crying . I knew she was terrified. I too was starting to lose any countenance, if not already.The pain finally got to the point of drinving me mad. I started yelling on and on for it to stop.

You're dying on 26 September your fate's set for that day but beware for if my wish is not granted before then you shall die in the worst of pains.There's no other way for you to live on .. Now way for you to live on.

"Ena what did you say ? what did this mean ?!"

Even when I thought I had gone deaf I heard Greta screaming. I tried to keep it together.She couldn't have me dying now. I disappoint or abandon her.She needed me.My little sister needed me. I couldn't let the illness get the better of me and have my sister cry over my corpse.No. I needed to be strong.

I try to calm my over-shaking body. Each breath a painful difficulty.

But what if perhaps.. Perhaps in the end I didn't need this.I didn't need to survive anymore.Did I really have to feel my soul separating from my body each day of my life ? Was there any other need but death ? Wouldn't it be easier to just let go? What if my happiness lied in my after life? I always believed that people dying had their souls taken out smoothly by angels. Like pure , fresh water running down a stream. Perhaps I shouldn't refuse death. It could be the only thing from which I wouldn't be hurt. My tiredness got me to close my eyes slowly, softly. At least doing that didn't hurt. Thankfully the pain was starting to fade away. My breathing got back to normal even if it smelled of grandma perfume...

Wait what ? I opened my eyes back and Greta was looking down at me. I as soon as I saw her, relief came back flooding in her eyes. The poor woman . She must have been worried sick. Sometimes it just stunned me how she could handle the worst of things. Because I wasn't one who could do that. You would think that old women are the most fragile. She smiles down at me. I tried to smile back. Barely. I just cracked up a crooked one.

" Are you okay dear? how do you feel?Do you want me to call an ambulance?"

I guess she saw one of my longest lasting fits for the first time. Not that it didn't happen often.

" No Grecha it's okay ." I called her affectionately.

" Are you sure because I can report to madam maybe she would know what to do?"

" No really don't botter yourself for that . I wouldn't want mother to freak out for nothing." then I snorted on a second thought . As if she would.

We sat there for some minutes.

"Can you help me up the stairs please?" I asked her.

"Sure dear I'll come down to get the medicines later."

She then brought me up the stairs to my bedroom. Everyone must be asleep now. We entered not making a noise.

I laid down on my bed while Greta went out to grab things to help me heal. I doubt they would help though. They were just actually supportive therapy drugs, since we still didn't even know the cause of my illness the only thing we could do was help with its symptoms. I sighed, the simple movement sweeping heaviness down my chest . Turning to my side I tried to find sleep.

" Wake up herzschen , no sleeping yet." Greta said shaking me awake gently, as she stood up to install an IV set. She had on my bedside a plastic bag filled with meds to inject or to gulp down. Eww.

"Err can't I just take a pain killer ?" I tried to negotiate.

" Of course not what do you think all these others are for ?" I looked with dread at all these dangerous looking things. And they're supposed to help heal ? Then I asked the question tugging at my mind.

" Greta ?"

"Hmm" she answered her hands busy.

" Did I do anything strange while I was... You know.."

" What are you talking about ?" she asked as she was brushing my arm with an alcohol wipe. She approached the IV needle and the sight instantly shut me up. I braced myself for the sharp pain , but it didn't make it any less surprising. I hated needles. And I hated how good a nurse Greta was. If that was her tactic to keep me from asking questions, well I'm was not letting it slide.

"I mean I always do strange things that I can't control when my fits happen. And I know that from stranger witnesses, well the only ones that are brave enough to stay until it stops. So did I do or say anything strange I mean aside from being strange ?" what am I even saying ?

She gazed some minute in my face , her eyes softening as if thinking about something before she answered.

" I thought you would forget. I didn't want to worry or upset you. I know how strong you are but you're also as normal as us right? " she said a little more to herself than to me.

" I know you want what's good for me but I still want you to tell me."

" Fine." She gave up quickly now didn't she ?

" While you were sort of unconscious I-I don't know , you said in an otherworldly way with a voice that sounded like it wasn't yours,'you're going to die in 26 September' and something in the kind 'I want my dream to be fulfilled' I personally didn't understand what you meant and why you said it that way."

"Are you sure ? That has never happened before. " I said my voice matching my astonishment. That was a level higher then the other stuffs I was told from the people that witnessed me.

" Well all I know is that you shouldn't be in a hurry to know everything and right now you're fine so that's all that counts." She said with a final tone.

I wished I could think as simply as her and take things smoothly. She's right though it's late now and it would be of no use to try to figure out what happened tonight.

Greta finished. Picking up her materials, she was about to leave when I stopped her.

" Greta, you know, sometimes I just wished my mother was even the tiniest bit listening. I miss a mother I've never really known."

" Oh Dear, don't speak like that. All will be well." she said bending down to kiss my forehead. Et voilà ! I got my goodnight kiss.

She turned the light off and went quietly out of the room. I closed up my eyes trying hard not to rehash today's events. Trying hopelessly to drift off to a dreamless sleep.

Author's note :

|(￣3￣)| I was mad with someone today. But then my anger was gone just like that *snap of fingers* does this mean I have a weak will ?🤔 How long would you guys stay mad at people ?

Le jasmin est une fleur que danse la rosée.

~Arielna♢~