TRICK 11: LITTLE ALPHA GHOST AND THE PAIN SHE WILL ONE DAY BEAR

27 FEBRUARY, SATURDAY, CONTINUED

"Once again, we'd like to welcome and thank everyone for gracing this ceremony with the honor of your presence." Owen said as the two hosts returned to the stage, one dark haired and clean cut, the other smiling with shoulder length blond hair the color of sunlight.

"This morning we come together to honor our dearly departed warriors and mourn our loss at their passing." Fluffy announced somberly, and then the lights faded and the black curtains behind them drew apart to reveal a shallow stone well in the middle, but it was the spot light that took our attention to a black grand piano tucked on one side of the stone platform.

I took a second to place the female wolf who bowed and sat herself at the piano. It was Edna - I hadn't recognized her in the black formal gown.

And then Lola stepped out in a long black dress and started to sing - like she just sang, before the piano even started. Her voice like a siren in the sea, drawing us into the deep. And then the piano joined her, like the waves lapping the shore while the sea stretched out forever.

"I'm not afraid of those who can't destroy my soul ~ "

"I'm not afraid ~"

"Because I know ~ "

The words were so familiar. I've heard my Grandpa Alpha sing this in his gruff voice. I've heard old warriors like Bert sing it in an old crackly way. I've heard warriors march out shouting it when they leave the packhouse for route marches. It was a song that everyone on the right side of the Great War sang. But today, it was sung by a young and beautiful she-wolf in a lilting voice that mesmerized.

If I ever grew up to be half as beautiful as Lola was today, I'd never complain again.

I'm not afraid of those who can't destroy my soul, I'm not afraid, because I know.

And I've always wondered, what did they know?

By the time the song ended, the entire hall was washed in a deep melancholy. It was like we were so sad that we forgot to cry.

"Please rise for the last march." Owen instructed quietly, and everyone stood up.

I think... a very long time ago, I might have attended such a ceremony. It was held here too, but it was very different from the full house swathed in white roses and lined in deep carpets. But I recognized this feeling, adults in dark clothing standing up around me, the stone floors with dark mold growing in the gaps, and a very large fire that roared. I remembered crying, but more from fear than anything else. I remembered being carried by Dad.

Everyone stood up, the reporters scrambling to set aside their notebooks and water or whatever to stand. Someone downstairs coughed. A baby cried, but it sounded distant. And then there was another silence. The entire ceremony was punctuated with these moments of silence, like how Beta Lucas' speeches were punctuated by those prolonged pauses.

It was like something profoundly significant was about to happen over and over again.

A row of large drums were pushed out to the other side of the stage, and wolves from the Underground Army, decked in our blue warrior jackets and blue stained faces stepped up and started a loud and steady beat. And then from behind, the coffins were carried forwards. Each with a warrior's jacket draped over the top. Owen and Fluffy took turns to read the names of the deceased, and the names of their family they had left behind.

And suddenly we did remember how to cry. The drums beat harder and wolves broke down in tears. I watched, feeling more terror than anything else at the onslaught of mourning. Gamma Harry led the procession, his frown was deep set and he stomped forward to the beat of the drums followed by the pallbearers, Nix, Jonah, Marlow, Ethan, and similarly blue faced young warriors. It was weird to watch because their faces were so blue, and their eyes were bloodshot, but no one could laugh. Not even Ethan. We were all feeling the pain of our loss too deeply.

In a way, I was really relieved that I was in my ghost form, I was not linked up with the rest of my pack. I felt sure that the weight of their grief would crush me.

After the caskets, followed the comrade in arms - the other warriors who had run closest with these eight departed wolves. A few of them were still in bandages. One of them was on a crutch. For some reason, they were also stained in blue, even though I was sure I didn't mess with them. I saw Flynn limping in front of this group. I didn't personally know any of these eight wolves - they were all from Morning Light, but Flynn was biting his lip, tears running rivulets down his blue stained cheeks.

And my heart felt like it was torn to pieces all over again.

After the Comrade in Arms, the warrior captains marched in. They included Stephan and Theo in their count. So we had five captains in total. Five very blue stained captains. Captain Stephan, First Assistant Captain Theo, Captain Titanium, First Assistant Captain Hank, and Gamma Endo. The captains were the highest military command of a pack, and represented the rest of the pack's warriors in the last march for the Departed.

All this while, Fluffy guided us with a calm and steady narration of what we were looking at. Fluffy was the only wolf in the hall who was composed enough to speak fluently. Owen had just passed his cue cards to the blond wolf, so I guess we were all going to relying on Fluffy to explain all the footnotes to every part of the ritual, so we looked like we were a legit ceremony and not just gone crazy with grief and blue dye. Could no one else see the blue dye on our faces?

After the captains, followed the pack's formal leadership, all our deltas, and our betas - Ki had somehow gotten himself from the back stage to the main entrance to march in too, and finally Alpha Kingsley and his luna.

The reporters and camera people sort of snapped out of whatever trance they were in at this point and started pointing their cameras and doing whatever they had come to do. I watched my Dad and Mum walk down the aisle, my Mum was crying freely, but Dad was his usual stoic expression - the same one he wore when looking at the candied cars, or facing Grandma Luna, or sitting through an Alpha meeting. Because Alphas didn't cry.

But Dad's eyes were red, and his face was the same distinct blue as the other warriors.

The drums silenced, signalling the end of the Last March of the Departed.

"Please be seated." Fluffy smiled. I'm not sure how he managed to keep his smiling mask on. I had just gained new found respect for Fluffy.

Because unlike Fluffy or Dad, I had been bawling my ghost eyes out. It was like a dam just broke behind my eyeballs and the tears wouldn't stop. I had never cried this much in my entire life. My ghost eyes felt swollen and hot. I could feel my eyeballs throb. Again, I couldn't help but feel relieved that I could only attend in ghost form. It would be mortifying if I were sobbing like this in front of everyone and LNC.

After this, Fluffy invited the Young Alpha James Lorent III, the future Luna of the combined Green Packlands. Through the ongoing merger of the three major packs of the Green Packlands, the Lorent, Night Leaf, and Morning Light Packs. Our future Luna will conduct the Final Sending Through the Fire.

I watched Bell step up to the stone platform, Ki half a step behind to assist him.

Of course Bell had to show off. He reached out his hand and summoned a blue fire in the stone pit, and then almost like magic, the fire shot up in a vortex. I remembered this part - the sound of the pillar of fire howling up through the open hole in the roof. Okay, the fire in my long ago memory was red, not blue, but it was the same terrifying sound, and then all around from outside the building, the sounds of wolves howling. We were sending off our departed.

Now I remembered why I was afraid, "Are the ghosts crying?"

"There's no such thing as ghosts." Dad had told me.

"But I can hear them." I had buried my face in his broad shoulders to hide.

"The howling is because of the vortex of fire - its science. You'd understand when you're older." Dad had assured me.

And then one by one, each casket was pushed into the fire, and then with a loud whoosh it would all disappear into the fire.

At each one, Fluffy would read a eulogy and invite the departed warrior's family and friends up. We all watched as they each took their turn to step forward and place a flower or object on the casket. And then the entire thing would be pushed into the blue flames. The fire would roar and howl upwards and my heart would go numb.

By the third casket I couldn't feel my heart anymore.

And then somewhere in the middle of it, one of the widows tried to rush in with the casket. But she was stopped by a couple of warriors and the rest of her family. She collapsed on the stone platform wailing.

This was what I never wanted to happen to my wolves, but it happened anyway. Wolves who died in their beds were buried in the ground. Wolves who died in battle were sent directly to heaven.

I shut my eyes, and blocked my mindlinks, even though in my ghost form I wasn't connected to it. It was a reflex action, I just wanted to block it out - the combined pain of my pack was too much for me to bear. I've always said I was the Alpha, I would protect my pack's happiness. But could I ever become the Alpha who would be able to bear my pack's pain?

I opened my eyes to look at Dad. He was carrying Sabre, the way he had carried me many years ago. His expression still stoic beneath the blue stain and red eyes. Even when sitting in the front row with the full extent of every wolf's pack bond linked to their Alpha, my Dad remained strong.

One day, it would be my turn to be strong for my pack.

When our Departed were sent off, Fluffy reminded us that we did not just send off heroes on the battlefield, these men were everyday heroes too. They were someone's mate, father, son, brother, best friend... for every warrior jacket was worn on a wolf who loved and was loved. We will miss them deeply.

For now, we wear the stain of our grief on our faces, but even as time washes away the visible loss, deep in our hearts, we would always hold them dear.

Fluffy then invited Alpha Kingsley to speak, and Dad had to pass Sabre over to Mum and go up to give a short speech in honor of the departed.

After Dad, it was Beta Lucas' turn, and then Beta Gerald.

I can't remember what they said.

Beta Harvey went up to give a speech on behalf of the Alpha Princess who was recuperating after leading her first war mission. He thanked everyone for their care and concern for my well-being and assured them that every care had been taken towards my recovery. He was certain that I was with them today in spirit.

Hahaha. I felt quite sure that wry smile meant that the pun was very much intended.

"On a personal note, of these eight warriors who had passed before us, two of them were like older brothers to me, three of them shared my regular patrol route, another two used to train with me, one of them was my trainer on my shifting year, and I've had drinks with every one of them." Harvey paused here. It was like he needed a moment to regulate his emotions, "I... It won't be the same without them. But... but for some reason, even though I've prepared this speech ahead of time.."

Harvey folded the crisp white sheet of paper and tucked it back in his jacket, "I cannot help but remember these words that our Alpha Princess had said. And because these words have comforted and sustained me in my current moment of grief, I will share them here. Perhaps these words might also bring you comfort."

I held my breath and waited to hear what I said this time. Part of me felt sure it was probably going to be something taken out of context, or that I had thoughtlessly winged, or blurted out in the car. I hope it wouldn't be something embarrassing.

And then Harvey quoted, totally by memory, "Sometimes we have to let go of the past to move forwards. Sometimes we have to remember it to move forwards. But the world is changing everyday and what it is today isn't what it was yesterday. And what it will be tomorrow wouldn't be what it is today. We need to keep running without regrets."

"These were my alpha's words spoken even while she mourned the passing of her grandfather, Alpha Silas of the Night Forest Pack. Just as she had listed three things she felt he had missed, I will also list three things I wished my departed brethren could have lived to see. One, I wish you guys could've seen the new Morning Light Town that we have on our plans. I feel quite sure you'd all have approved of it, the upgraded traffic lights, the upcoming childcare center, the fruit trees that would line First, Third, and Fifth Street. It's going to be amazing."

"Two, I wish you guys could've at least lived to learn the outcome of our war. The warlock has been vanquished, and the rogue army has been completely defeated. Our Morning Light is finally able to rest from the long drawn border conflict that had claimed so many lives since our late Alpha Daniel's passing. We won, guys. We won. Nobody's going to die from going out on patrol anymore." Harvey teared up again at this, but he pushed on.

"But most of all," Harvey paused to take a deep breath, "I wish you guys could've run with our Alpha Princess. I wish..."

Harvey pressed his lips together, his forehead crinkling just a bit, "I wish we could've run together into our new future."

Yeah, me too. At these words, I realized that I was the Alpha. I will protect my wolves' happiness. AND I will carry their momentary pain, and lead them into our new future together.