I'M SO MATURE, I'M SO MATURE…

69X - If I ever become a parent, I hope I would be a little mad like my Dad and sane like my Mum. Of course, I might never get pups - not as long as I was stuck here.

Maybe my Blue Wolf life had run out of juice and the goddess just stuck me back into the vacuum for the next time she needed a Blue Wolf to pop out. Maybe I was supposed to die, but Bell's life link was still holding me back. OMO was I going to be walking in this empty space until Bell ran out of power to support the both of us? WTH. What a waste of both our lives.

But if this really was the end of my life, I wondered if I had run okay. I wondered if I could've done anything differently, I wondered if I had lived my life to the fullest. I wanted to answer yes, but I worried that I might have been wrong. I ran most of my life as a dumb pup who didn't know any better, and then I shifted, the year of my metamorphosis, entered high school, and then I died. Wow, it was true what they said, the caterpillar spends all its life growing to become a butterfly, who flits and floats and all too quickly dies.

Three months. Three glorious months. It was a good run.

70X - Technically, I wasn't a butterfly. I was a wolf. I wasn't even a blue wolf in Lala's life, so why was I dead? You know what would be delicious? If I got two slices of freshly baked Packhouse Kitchen bread and gave it to Ki to dip in egg and make that toast thing with maple syrup and a bit of chocolate sauce.

My mouth would love that.

I didn't get to eat Gyaara yet too. I wanted to eat it in stew, or roasted in the oven, or at our next Summer BBQ. Maybe they would make Gyaara burgers. Maybe it would be good in Mama Rosa's casseroles.

And after eating burgers, I would eat watermelon too - the seedless kind because I hated the seeds. When I was a pup, all watermelon had seeds. We would sit by the grass and pick out the seeds and flick them into the ground. None of them ever grew though.

Grandpa Alpha told me that if I swallowed a watermelon seed, a watermelon plant would grow out of my head. Of course, now I knew he was lying.

I wondered if Grandpa Alpha was trapped in one of these white blank spaces too. Did he bring a marker? I wondered what my Grandpa Alpha would do if he had his own space like this one. Would he be walking like me? Would he be thinking of me? Would he remember something he did regret? It was too late though, the words "No regrets" was already engraved in his tombstone.

I wondered what would be engraved in my tombstone.

71X - I spent this time wondering what I would like written on my tombstone. And then I gave up. I did come up with a few drafts, but then I realized I was also too late.

Basically, whatever I had wanted to do, I should've done while I was still alive.

[41Xs later...]

112X - I had been walking for a long, long time and there was still no end in sight.

And then, I don't know why, maybe I really was done with food related thoughts, but suddenly I started thinking of uncomfortable things.

Things I'd rather not consider, things that I'd definitely never say aloud.

Like how I liked to run fast and lately, with my betas and special team backing me, I had been running as fast as I wanted, but I had also left wolves behind. Wolves who were once my closest friends too, like Jessica and Dean.

While I was running, I had thought I was ahead because I was the alpha. My Luna and betas were strong and fast, if I slowed down, wouldn't I be left behind?

But there was a time when I had ran quite differently. I used to run so that everyone could follow... Even Dean.

I remembered missing the chance to hang out with Dean and the others at the Packhouse picnic and feeling relieved I didn't have to "drag" Dean around the walkabout with me. And all the other times I was glad to spar or train or sit with my betas instead of Dean.

My relationship with Dean had been feeling strained lately with his new girlfriend... Or maybe even before that. I don't know. It's different now.

But what if the one who changed was me?

I used to believe my Dad could do no wrong. My pack was normal. Beta Lucas knew everything. The wisdom of our ancient lycans indisputable. The news reported facts. And that everyone knew that lycans were the superior race, rogues were the root of crime, and... Many such embarrassing things.

I used to never swear aloud. But I'm sure I had slipped out a shit somewhere here or there. Out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks.

But I'm also using Lycan quotations in my everyday thoughts now. I guess I'm growing up, but I can't decide if I was growing up to be a better person or a worse one.

I certainly feel more jaded now. I remembered the talent time competition, and realized that wasn't the first slap of reality in my face. From every teacher who was crap that came through my life, to every life experience which carelessly trampled all my faith in authority and fair competition... Suddenly, I looked, and in my heart was a bitter root.

I don't even feel like the goddess could be trusted any more.

And was I really going to mate Fluffy? Just because he was my soul mate, because he was beautiful, and because I felt sorry that he would have to suffer alone...

Who knew that messing with our past could cause our mating bonds to misalign?

But what did that make of my relationship with Bell? Why did my attitude towards him change so drastically? Was Bell the soul mate and love of my life or just a bond to tie me down so I would never be free to choose someone who would truly make me happy?

Without our mating bond, would there be any true love between us? Who knew my love was so fickle?

And why was I missing him so bad right now? Why was it him that my thoughts would lean towards and not Fluffy or Wolfgang or anyone else?

I probably didn't deserve him in the first place. I mean, all this while, I thought I was saving him, keeping him back from going completely insane in his dark ambitions... But maybe he was the one keeping me safe, doing all the dirty deeds - wearing the vampire's ring, playing the death god, killing the warlock... All so I didn't have to do it with my own hands.

I should've treasured him more.

I should've treasured everyone more.

I was the alpha once upon a time, and I thought that was why I had to protect everyone's happiness. It was really the other way around.

Everyone was protecting me, and everyone - they were the reason for my daily happiness.

My job as the alpha wasn't to protect anyone's happiness. Happiness was something we simply give to those we love.

My job as alpha - the only thing that set me apart from the other wolves, the power that Sam had that Lala did not - my only responsibility as Alpha was to protect our territory and grow a safe and prosperous space for my pack to run and flourish in.

Not to run ahead, not to take down anyone with one punch, not to be the hero, kick butt, look cool, save the world, or run with fun (dangerous) wolves like I'm all that. (Should I be worried about how my idea of what a great Alpha was sounded so much like how Jude-Kev would describe himself?)

From the very beginning, and Alpha was the wolf who unified and led the pack to protect their land. It's back to territorial wars... But the territories I needed to fight for were in economic, political, financial, and media spheres too.

The world had changed a lot since the first wolves left the mountains.

It's a pity that I only realized it now. It's too late.

It's too late for me to be a proper Alpha for my pack, for me to be a better friend to Dean and my gang, for me to sit on the Ferris Wheel and watch the fire works and make true love happen for Bell and me.

My epitaph should read, "It's too late."

I had stopped walking by now. I'm just sitting next to 112X and thinking about all the things I had realized too late.

My existence had been a dumb pup growing up and bursting out in my first shift into a short and heady moment of exhilaration of the proverbial young wolf who ran out because HE COULD. And then like that sorrowful youth in the poem, I died before I could learn my lesson.

I really wish I could see Bell again. Just once more. Just to be sure that it was just the mating bond and nothing else between us.

I think I would be very disappointed if that were the case, but I had to know for sure. Just the last nail in the coffin, if you'd excuse the metaphor.

And then maybe I'll be able to let go forever and leave this empty space.

I wish... Oh I wish... Just to see Bell once more. That's all I ask.

And like magic, because it was, a black portal emerged from nothingness. A perfectly right angled life sized black rectangle drawn in this white space.

I blinked, hardly daring to believe what my eyes saw.

The cursed fumes poured out, heralding in the Tyger. Bell! It was him, I was sure of it. Bell in his black cape and mask, almost completely consumed in the cursed darkness so that I could only see his shape. But it was him!