Chapter 3: Revelations

Day 6

So yesterday went weird. I went on a semi date with my husband but more so I was trying to help him get grounded and get the methanphetimines out of his system. So he came and pick me up Thursday evening. We got a hotel room at the Holiday inn with the jacuzzi tub in the room; because he didn't feel comfortable being at home under the influence around our son. We checked in and I was worried that my husband left me since it took him like 10 minutes to come in. It took me like three credit cards to get one that got approved for the room. The card reader for the room wouldn't work so they called maintenance to fix our door.

We had sex almost as soon as we got in the room. We couldnt get each other's clothes off fast enough. Even under the influence he was still sexy as hell and every inch of me wanted him. We took smoke breaks and ordered Buffalo Wild Wings for dinner. Sex in the Jacuzzi tub was great but my husband went flush and kept closing his eyes and phasing out. I got really worried he would drown so we got out after his orgasm. We had talked or more so I vented. My husband doesn't want a divorce at all and swears that he loves me and will be better. My gut wants to believe him but my heart has no faith in him again and my brain knows that is the addiction talking!

I spent the entire night on edge that he would leave his pregnant wife alone with no vehicle to go get more drugs. The walking on eggshells trying to have serious conversations with him while not triggering him or upsetting him further was stressful. We had sex two more time and I kept trying to encourage him to snack and hydrate. He took a shower to warm up and it helped with the shakes; but he couldn't relax to sleep so he kept waking me up whenever I fell asleep.

By 7:00 a.m. he wanted Xanax so badly that he kept rushing me to get dressed and go. I kept laying around to enjoy my morning. He did go get us breakfast of biscuits and gravy, yogurt, cinnamon rolls and an orange. We shared most of the biscuits and gravy. By 7:30 we were in a full blown fight. He tried to take the $140 in cash for the room to go to a dealer and get Xanax but nobody had any. Eventually the fighting ended and we had sex again. I finally got dressed to go while he asked his mom for $100 to spot him until he got his paycheck. I paid using the cash then we went to get gas.

He dropped me off at home and was headed to Pleasant Hill for pills to ease the withdrawal symptoms. He came back because he needed a charger for his phone by the time he got to his parents it was too late for him to come back and get me to my job interview for Taco Bell as a general manager. The job was going to be salary position but I feel like he was slightly intimidated by the thought of me making more money than him; so he didn't come get me like he promised. My husband didn't even get his paycheck from his boss. He was so high he was barely functioning!

I told him to sleep and rest because I was exhausted. I ate waffles and sausage before falling asleep. I woke late into the day but sadly he took another shot of meth while I slept. His mom found his credit card in the driveway so I told her to keep it until he's sobered up. I won't feed into his negative self petty.

I need to focus on myself for a while so I am making plans to better myself. I did ask a friend to see if his dad felt like sponsoring my husband since they have similar vices. I plan on writing a few books to release my feelings productively. I want to change and better myself. I feel like I am drowning while holding up a mountain on my shoulders. I asked my oldest son what are the habits he would like to see me to change or work on. I was surprised by his views and opinions. He wants me to find better ways to recover after a meltdown and stress; but not in my bed. I also want to write a few books, making beats and music.

My focus will be reevaluating every 90 days or quarterly. I want to start paying all bills on time and paying down my credit card bills. I also want to start investing $50 a week, in savings $100 a week; while getting life insurance. I want to work on gaining a friend every month for 3 months. I was reading up on bilateral music stimulation I want to do every three days to reset myself.

In our marriage I want to do a date night on Thursdays, devotionals on Tuesdays and trying a new adventure on Saturdays. I have to work on ways to shut my brain down / off. As well as a better sleeping schedule and pooping schedule. I need to do some level of exercise, learning or healing to be able to grow. I need to heal me first to be able to help him!

Night