Normal doesn’t exist anymore

Jaylynn: My life wasn't always this way. It all started last year, on that dreadful day, when God allowed my twin brother to sadly pass away from the monster that is cancer. After he died, nothing was ever the same. All my free time, when I wasn't mourning or crying my eyes out over the lost of my twin and my best friend, went to consuming unhealthy, oversized, quantities of every junk food you could imagine. I only stayed indoors. I never answered my phone anymore and eventually everyone just stopped calling. I didn't want to go to school, I didn't want the pity or comfort of others. I just wanted to be alone. I didn't even want to shower or brush my hair. I was so broken and I didn't know who exactly I was anymore. I was faking a smile so much that it always looked like I was dying inside even when I had a true genuine smile on my face-which was pretty rare. I spent my days walking around with my head down. I was living as a zombie. The old skinny, corky, determined, confident, popular, well kept cheerleader was as good as dead, replaced by this fat, depressed, unmotivated, shell of the girl I used to be. This continued for months until I looked like an overstuffed turkey, who had been zombified and turned into a human. I had so many suicidal thoughts. I would always ask myself what don't I just kill myself and end this nightmare for everyone. But I knew that if I did, none of our lives any better. But, it wasn't just me who had a hard time coping, it was my entire family. My mom was trying her best to seem like the same happy, cheerful person, but I could see it in her eyes that she was about to break down. My older brother never came home to visit from college anymore. And the worst part was that I didn't even know who my dad was anymore. It's like I was living with a stranger. He left every night to go drinking. part of me wished that he didn't come back. But the other part knew that if he didn't, my mother would be heartbroken. We used to have such a strong connection but now we could barely be in the same room without it ending up in a fight. Yeah, my family's messed up and just as broken as I was. But the worst part was we didn't even talk about what happened. We act as if everything is normal. but nothing is normal, not anymore.