Chapter 43

Year 4, Day 193, HIMS Lacerate, High Orbit, Earth 29 Universe

Alexander sipped his 'caff' and winced again at the putrid taste of the stuff. 'Coffee with a different name my left butt cheek' Alexander thought irritably as he leaned back in the captain's chair on the Lacerate's bridge. He wished for a good cup of a Jamaican blend, or failing that a cup of instant coffee, not that he'd ever utter that heresy aloud. Though the Star Wars drink did have one thing going for it, it had a decent kick. At that moment he desperately needed it; he'd managed to grab a few hours of sleep after they'd dispatched the Kromagg ship, and cleared up the worst of the ground forces, but he was still drained from transiting such a massive amount.

It had been just over two days since he'd first set out of his mad quest to level the playing field, and almost ten hours since they'd reduced the Kromagg ship to it's constituent atoms.

Alex sighed and started looking over the intel that the E29 people had provided once again. He just couldn't get his head around it. Why did they waste so much effort fragging video rentals of all places. At first he thought maybe they were aware that they were a fictional race in some universes, but he'd checked into that, and no, sliders had never been produced in this universe.

"Lord Alexander" One of his soldiers yelled out, startling Alex from his thoughts.

Alexander looked at the man, then at where he was pointing. He sat his cup down on the convenient cup holder and stared open mouthed at the sight that greeted him. There was a naked woman floating just outside the bridge, a living naked woman, who was in the process of tapping on the window.

The flabbergasted Australian started to open his mouth to say something, anything, but stopped when the woman spoke.

"I come in peace." She said and Alexander's brain did a backflip inside his skull, she was in space, sound didn't work in space. "Take me to your leader." After a moment without any reply, the woman seemed to melt into the transparent material that made up the windows and lightly fell onto the bridge.

The woman stood at attention and gave the Vulcan salute, "Live long and prosper"

"Lord Alexander..." Sergeant Clearsky, the commander of Alexander's personal guard started to speak, only to be cut off by the woman.

"Lord? Aren't you a little short for a Sith?" She said.

Alexander blinked, and waved his soldiers to stand down. If she could survive space buttnaked he doubted any weapons they had could harm her. "I'm not a Sith. My name is Alexander." Alexander said after a moment.

"Oh, how rude of me. I'm Pretty Soldier Sailor Fuck You." The woman said and suddenly was engulfed in an honest to god magical girl anime transformation, that left her in a strange feathered outfit "Champion of Love and Justice. I punish evil in the name of The Fuck. You aren't evil, are you?"

"No. No. I'm absolutely one of the good guys." Alexander said, his brain on autopilot. 'Don't antagonize the nice eldridge abomination Alex' he thought to himself, valiantly restraining the urge to try and transit out, helped a great deal by the fact said transit would likely be fatal.

"That's great. I'd hate to have to punish you." The woman, Sailor Fuck You, said, before tilting her head to one side, "SB?"

Alexander felt the urge to palm his face. Of course, out of all the universes he'd run into a living breathing embodiment of a SB SI. "One at sufficient velocity" he said after a moment, it was the first thing that popped into his head.

"Put your dick on her shoulder and pee in her bum." Sailor Fuck You said.

'What the fuck?' Alex thought, before realising that he really wanted her away from his people, she would totally ruin his rep if they continued much longer. "Mate," he said, "we have a lot to talk about."

He lead Sailor Fuck You, and he still counter get his head around that name, into the ready room.

"So, you're lording it over the primitive screwheads with your star destroyer. I can't say I disapprove. It's much nicer than a boomstick." She said once they were comfortable seated.

"It's a light cruiser, actually." Alexander said. He wished it was a full Star Destroyer, but there was no way he could transit one on his own. 'Bloody ESRO science boys need to get their asses in gear' He groused mentally.

"Same difference. Just remember Klaatu Varada Nikto. Lording it over the primitive screwheads is not without its perils." Sailor Fuck You said, perfectly seriously.

"I'm aware of that." Alexander sardonically. Running an empire was a lot easier in his fantasies than real life. For one thing there was less paperwork.

"So do you have any idea what's going on with me?" She asked.

"No clue." Alex replied cheerfully.

"Oh, that's good. We're just two ships passing in the night then. We probably won't go to the same universes, will we." Sailor FU asked.

"Probably not." Alexander said.

"I'd hate to have to kill a fellow SBer. We castaway playthings of the fickle gods have to stick together." Sailor Fuck You said playfully.

"I don't think there will be any need for violence." Alexander said while thinking 'At least I hope not, because you've got magic and insanity on your side, fuck I need to get magic if I'm going to keep running into godlings.'

"So where have you been, besides the obvious?" She asked.

"Ancient Rome, mostly. Freeing slaves. Wars is enough for most of my tech needs." Alexander said with a shrug.

"You can control your jumps?"

"I have a device." Alexander said, hoping she wouldn't ask any questions. Last thing he wanted was to be stranded in a universe that had just been blasted to hell and back.

"Damn, I wish I could do that. I'm kind of crappy at it right now." She said with a frown. Before smiling suddenly. "You should consider Trek, holodecks are awesome."

"People have asked me for those already." Alexander said with a grin. They were on his list, after the extreme firepower, he was a Spacebattler after all.

"I've been to Dresden." Sailor FU said, changing the subject.

Alexander winced "Ouch."

"Tell me about it." She said bobbing her head, spending her hair flying all over the place. "And Watchmen. And Dr. Who."

"Double Ouch." Alexander felt real sympathetic pain.

"Indeed. And I've got my own primitive screwhead empire on Primitive Screwhead Planet. With is awesome. You've got to love the people who don't know a boomstick from the Lost Ark." She said with a grin.

"I'm trying to be honest about my capabilities. I have some modern humans and some Star Wars slaves. They know the god thing is bullshit." Alexander said.

"Yeah, that's tough. It helps to be an actual god, I think." Sailor Fuck You said with a shrug.

"And you are?" Alexander asked with a raised eyebrow.

"I really don't know. But, you know, superpowers." She said irrelevantly.

"I could use some of those." Alexander said with envy. Not that he didn't have ideas for getting them, but he kept running into the whole 'going to universes with god-like beings who'd squash him like a bug' problem.

"Yeah. I don't know which one of us got the worse deal." She said after a moment.

"We could use some help with the cleanup down here." Alexander hinted, a godling could make his life much easier.

"Sorry. I've got people to go, places to kill, and neckholes to shit down. It looks like you've got everything under control. And besides, these guys screwed up Star Wars. There's no way I can help them. Luke I am your mother. I'm not sexist or anything, but that's not a classic line. Hey, do you know of any universe where the Odd Numbered Treks were good?" Sailor Fuck You said in a rush.

Alexander blinked, "I can't say that I've ever checked."

"You should. Just think about it. You could get the good odd numbers Treks, and the good even numbered Treks, and put them together into something greater than the whole."

"I'll take that under advisement." Alexander said trying to keep his cool. That was a really good idea. 'Why didn't I think of that?'

"And just imagine a parallel universe where Voyager and Enterprise were good." She said leaning forward with a grin.

"I'm not sure that's possible, mate." Alexander grinned back.

"Oh, sure it is. Infinite parallel dimensions, anything is possible. Red can mean go and green can mean stop. The Soviet Union could have conquered America. A blues singer could be the crown Prince of America." She said with a shrug.

"I guess so." Alexander said with a laugh.

"But, hey, if we're ever in the same neighborhood just look me up. I'll throw you an awesome party." And with that Pretty Soldier Sailor Fuck You vanished in a pillar of flame.

***

Excerpt from Alexander Harlow's Personal Journal. Year 4, Day 193, HIMS Lacerate, E29

...

Okay so it wasn't that bad but it was strange, and very disturbing. I'm pretty sure Pretty Soldier Sailor Fuck You is completely fucking insane... oh and the warning LVIOS gave when she left the universe? Yeah that freaked me the fuck out.

Type-10? WTF? She's a powerful as LVIOS? That's fucking scary. And what the hell is a universal cleansing agent? LVIOS refuses to clarify, only referring me to the section of the database that basically says "RUN, RUN VERY FAST AND DON'T LOOK BACK".

On the bright-side I'm pretty sure I know what the Kromaggs were dropping rocks on. Best guess is that they thought she was me when they detected her jumps. Plus side she seems to handle being hit by artillery a lot better than me.

I wonder what she wanted in those stores?