5. Chapter 5

Wow! I had so many great reviewers for the last chapter. Most of you seem to be enjoying the story. Thanks for reading.

Erin sat numbly at Molly's bar, staring mindlessly at the wall of bottles behind the bar. Her beer in her hand, but she had made no move to drink it for several minutes. She was lost in thought as moments from the last two weeks flitted through her mind. Awkwardness reigned supreme between her and Jay. They were both trying to act "normal" around each other, but with both dealing with so much heartache it was difficult.

Erin wasn't really angry at him anymore. Despite being upset that he made the decision that if marriage and kids weren't in their future, he didn't want the relationship to continue, she still couldn't find it her heart to be mad at him. He was being honest with what he wanted, just like she had been honest about what she wanted. It just hurt that they didn't want the same things in life. It hurt a lot. She was embarrassed to admit how many nights over the last two weeks, she had cried herself to sleep. She kept telling herself it was going to get easier. She just didn't know if she believed it.

As much as the heartbreak overwhelmed her at the moment, she had thought honestly about if she would do anything different. Would she have preferred to never have even gotten involved in a relationship with Jay, if she'd known all those years ago that this was how things would end? Ultimately, Erin didn't question it. While their early attempts at relationships had put career over their feelings, this last year had meant everything to her. She learned from Jay that the person who you share your bed with can also be the person who supports you through dark days and light. She had never been so vulnerable as she had been with Jay. Maybe that is why now her heart felt so raw.

Alternatively, she also thought long and hard about whether or not she should have just said yes to Jay's proposal. He would have been blissfully happy, and Erin kept telling herself Jay's happiness was more important than her own. The idea of planning a wedding and ceremony and all that entailed just scared her so much. She knew all that was just a waste. If two people wanted to be together, they should just be together. Some part of her felt like maybe she should have just done it. Said yes, and married Jay. She knew that someday down the road it would have ended. Probably with bitter, hateful words like most the other divorces she had been around for, and that's what she just adamantly did not want. As hurt and sad as they both were, there wasn't hate. There was still love between them, just now surrounded by disappointment.

They still talked every day. They were still partners after all. Conversations were careful and filled with many long silences. Most discussions were focused on the cases they were working on, but a few friendly inquiries were made as well. Jay checked up on how Olive and Daniel were doing. Erin shared a few stories of the young toddler, before awkwardly realizing that discussing babies probably wasn't a neutral topic of conversation. Erin asked about Jay's recent camping trip with his brother. Jay joked about his not-very-nature-friendly brother trying unsuccessfully to start a fire. Erin guessed you could define their relationship as…cautiously friendly. Erin knew every conversation had an undertone of insincerity. No matter what they were talking about, it wasn't what they really wanted to be talking about. It was enough though, for now. And it really hadn't been all that bad, until tonight.

This evening, while the guys had disappeared down the stairs, headed out for the night, Erin had noticed a small cardboard box had been placed on her desk while she was in the locker room. The sounds of their conversations debating where they were going to go for dinner had faded as she had approached the inconspicuous box. When she had pulled open the top of the box, pain as fresh as the moment she first realized Jay wanted to end things filled her. Inside the box were the remnants of their relationship. One by one she had pulled items out of the box. Instead of feeling like she was closing the door of her relationship, she relived each precious yet painful memory.

On top were her reading glasses and a few novels she had read recently. When Jay got too absorbed in one of his documentaries or an old sci-fi movie that Erin just couldn't get into, she'd dive into a favorite book. She smiled slightly remembering the teasing from Jay the first time she had slipped the glasses on. 'Sexy Librarian' had been the nickname he had labeled her with that night. Needless to say, she hadn't gotten any reading done that night.

Next she pulled out her fuzzy slippers. Erin's feet were notoriously cold, especially during Chicago winters. Whenever they watched movies or tv, she'd always tuck her icy cold toes under his thighs to try and keep her feet warm. For Christmas, he had gifted her with the softest and warmest slippers to keep her feet warm. She'd worn them almost every night since, yet she still tucked her feet under his legs, not because her toes were cold, but because she liked the contact.

Erin dug through the box, shifting a few shirts and pajamas to the side. Her hand hit something hard. Pulling it out, she saw it was a frame. Inside the frame was a picture of the two of them. Her eyes filled with tears as she realized that Jay hadn't even wanted to keep this memory of their time together. Looking at the simply framed picture, she smiled sadly. It had been taken on an overnight camping trip they had taken in early summer. After the stress of Justin's death and Voight's investigation, there had been a few weeks where Erin just didn't think she could keep it together any longer. Pressure from above, silence from Hank, and grief from Justin's death, had just overwhelmed her. Jay had just swept her up, and they had escaped for the weekend. He had taken her to a spot, just across state lines where Jay had camped regularly as a kid. With just a tent, sleeping bag, and some basic camping gear, they spent two quiet nights being one with nature and just enjoying time with each other. The selfie in the frame had been taken just before they left. Grins on both their faces lit up the screen, as the bright June sun had shone on both their faces. The sunshine didn't light up their faces quite as much as the love did.

With pain slicing through her, Erin realized why Jay hadn't been able to hold onto the picture. Opening her bottom desk drawer, she threw it face down and slammed the drawer. The rest of the box, she shoved under her desk. She couldn't look at it anymore. Escape was what she needed, and Molly's was the quickest outlet.

Now she sat, lost in memories, lost in thought, as the hustle and bustle of Molly's continued around her. She was thankful none of her team were there. She just didn't feel up to the fake laughter and smiles that she'd been forcing the last few weeks. She was content just to sit and remember.

"Hey, Erin!" Sylvie Brett's cheerful voice broke through Erin's thoughts.

Erin gave a small smile in response. She liked Sylvie, but she wasn't in the mood for the optimism that usually came with her. Sometimes when you are down in the dumps, you just want to stay there.

"You here alone?" Sylvie questioned, settling down on the chair next to her.

Erin nodded absentmindedly, "Yeah, I think some of the guys were getting dinner. They might roll in later." She had heard rumors about something going on with Sylvie and Antonio. She hoped maybe that was all that the paramedic wanted.

Sylvie nodded, "Cool, cool…" She trailed off, looking around uncomfortably. Erin could tell something was up. Sylvie was very transparent when she had something on her mind. Antonio's whereabouts clearly wasn't all that she wanted to talk about.

Erin figured it was better to just get it over with. She turned and faced her, "What's up? Something on your mind?"

Sylvie's cheeks flushed a bit with embarrassment, "I, ah, no. I just..um." She gave Erin a sad look, "I just wanted to tell you that I was sorry to hear. You know, about you and Jay."

Erin slid her eyes away from Sylvie and sighed. She knew word was going to get out. Even though they had kept their relationship pretty private, with the close knit relationships between the medical, fire, and police departments, people talked. Curious, she asked, "How'd you hear?"

Slightly uncomfortable, Sylvie groaned, "Umm, I think Otis maybe heard it from Gabby. I think she might have got it from Antonio or maybe Will?" She shrugged a bit, "Everyone just is surprised. They thought you two were in it for the long haul."

Erin just nodded quietly. While news of their break up had obviously spread like wildfire through Chicago, apparently the failed marriage proposal hadn't. She hoped to keep it that way. She didn't want to have to listen to her friends and colleagues question why she let the best thing she'd ever had go. She definitely didn't want Jay to have to deal with the embarrassment of her rejection.

"Are you doing okay?" Sylvie questioned.

No! Erin thought to herself. What a stupid question. Of course she wasn't alright. She just ended her year long relationship with the love of her life! Sylvie wasn't the first person to ask how she was doing. Even Voight had inquired if she was okay or if she needed time off. Truthfully, she just wanted to be left alone to drink a beer and think about fuzzy slippers and reading glasses.

"Well, hello, beautiful ladies." Erin and Sylvie both swung around in unison as a voice came from behind Erin. An attractive Hispanic man with striking green eyes was standing at the bar grinning expectantly at them. Despite his good looks, Erin had no desire to be hit on tonight. He was looking at them as if he knew them. She didn't recognize the guy, so she looked back at Sylvie to see if she knew him.

"Detective Garcia. Hello." Sylvie smiled brightly at the man. Erin looked at her questioningly after hearing her call him detective. Erin didn't think she'd ever seen the guy around before.

"Erin, this is Detective Garcia. He's homicide out of the 28th. Detective Garcia, this is Erin Lindsay. She's a detective in Intelligence at the 21st." Sylvie smiled at the two of them during the introductions. "You two haven't met? I kind of thought all you detectives knew each other."

Erin laughed at the comment and politely shook the hand that Detective Garcia had offered her. "No, we haven't met." He was a handsome man. Mid thirties, dark hair, white teeth flashing a charming smile.

He grinned at her, "Lovely to meet you, Detective Erin Lindsay. I've only been at the 28th for a month. Guess our paths haven't crossed yet. Just moved here from California."

Erin raised her eyebrows at that, "You left warm and sunny California to come and deal with Chicago winters?"

Sylvie broke in, "Oh! There's Mouch! I've got to talk to him about a special project we are working on." Sylvie slipped away, leaving the two alone.

Garcia settled onto the bar stool next to Erin. He gestured to Herman, who was behind the bar, for a few more drinks. Erin felt suddenly guilty about him buying her a drink, before she realized that she wasn't doing anything wrong, just having a drink at a bar. She wasn't involved with anyone, she wasn't taken. She could have a drink with anyone she wanted. Not that she wanted, too. But she could if she did.

"Well, I actually grew up outside of St. Paul, but went to college in San Diego. I stayed in California and got on with LAPD. A few years ago my parents retired and moved out to southern Wisconsin. Their dream cabin on a little lake. Last year my mom died, and my dad's been out here all alone. I kind of wanted to be close to him, you know. A few hours drive instead of a five hour flight."

Erin looked at him with kind eyes. "Aww, that's so sweet."

He grinned that charming smile, "I know! All the ladies keep telling me that. My dad thinks it is hilarious that he's helping me score numbers."

Erin rolled her eyes but chuckled, "Sorry to disappoint your dad, but you are not getting my number." She finished drinking her beer, and acknowledged the new one that Herman had dropped off. "Thank you for the drink though."

"Well, it was worth a shot. Beautiful lady, badass detective on top of it. You can't blame a guy for trying."

Erin laughed again. It kind of felt good to laugh. The guy was ridiculous, but a kind of charming ridiculous. So over the top it was funny. She narrowed her eyes a bit, "How do you know I am badass?"

"Please." He replied leaning back and giving her the once over, "There's no way you aren't badass." Erin shook her head and rolled her eyes again. "Besides, I heard intelligence was no joke around here."

Suddenly someone calling his name from down at the end of the bar captured their attention.

"Looks like one of your buddies wants you." Erin observed.

He gave a glance over his shoulder. "Yep. Guess they can tell I am crashing and burning here."

Erin nodded agreeable. "Well, it was nice to meet you, Detective Garcia." She did mean it. Maybe she wasn't interested in giving him her number, but it hadn't been horrible to be on the receiving end of a handsome, flirty man. After two weeks of being sad and depressed, it felt refreshing. It was also nice to talk to someone who didn't look at her like they knew how pathelic her life was.

He stood, offering his hand to shake, "Call me Evan." he requested.

Erin shook his hand. "Good night, Detective," she stated, ignoring his wishes.

He flashed her one last quick grin before he turned and moved away. Erin let her eyes follow him as he walked back to his friends. Erin did recognize one or two of them. Not anyone she was close to but a few familiar faces. They weren't regulars here, but two of them were in deep conversation with Herman, so Erin figured that he was their connection.

Erin observed their interactions for another moment or two, and she was debating calling it a night, when she heard a voice behind her, "Hey, Lindsay."

Erin looked up at Antonio in surprise. She automatically scanned the bar, looking for anyone else from her team. She saw Atwater and Ruzek sitting at a table a bit away. Both were giving her slightly disapproving looks. She noticed a conspicuously empty chair at their table. Looking questioningly back at Antonio, she feared she knew the answer to the unspoken question.

Antonio gave her a brief nod, "Yeah, he wasn't up for the show. Headed out a few minutes ago."

Erin cursed under her breath and slipped off the stool, headed for the door. She didn't have to go far, she found Jay leaning against the brick wall outside. His attention on the phone in his hand. He looked up as she exited, giving her just a short nod in greeting, before returning his attention to his phone.

"Seriously, Jay." She stepped closer to him, noting that his disinterested greeting didn't quite match the emotional look in his eyes, "You can't even say hi anymore," she accused.

His lips tightened before he responded. "You looked busy. Wasn't up to meeting your new friend."

Erin felt irritation fill her, "I don't even know him. He's just some homicide detective out of the 28th. He was just being friendly."

A tight knowing smile crossed Jay's lips, and his voice had a hint of sarcasm. "Friendly. Got it." He allowed his eyes to drop back to his phone as it buzzed.

"So we can't even hang out at Molly's anymore?" Erin didn't know why she was pushing the situation so hard. The last thing she wanted was to be forced to spend time pretending everything was fine between them, when she really wanted nothing more than to crawl into bed and cry. She just knew that somehow they had to figure out a new normal. Avoiding each other at the place they both spent their down time didn't seem like a good start to figuring out what normal would be.

Jay's eyes grew serious as he looked down at Erin. His voice was suddenly soft. "I'm just not ready, Erin. I know that I will have to see you with someone else someday, but I'm not there yet. If you are moving on, that's good for you. I want you to be happy. I just can't-" He broke off and swallowed hard, looking away briefly, "I just can't watch it right now."

The tears that had been threatening to fall since the discovery of her break-up-box, once again resurfaced. "I'm not moving on, Jay." She whispered, trying to keep her voice steady. "I don't want to move on." She looked up at him with pleading eyes, "Isn't there any chance…" she let her voice trail off. She knew her heart was overruling her head. She knew that their different opinions of the future should keep them apart, but right now, there was nothing more that she wanted but to wrap her arms around him and kiss him until no more pain was between them.

Jay looked at her sadly, "Erin…" He didn't want to say the words again. Breaking up was hard enough the first time.

Erin sniffed up the tears a bit, and brushed the wetness from her cheeks. "I know. I know.' She looked back up into his eyes. Some of the aloofness from earlier was gone, and she could see that he was hurting just as much as she was. "I just miss you."

Jay reached out for a moment, as if to comfort her with his touch. Second guessing the gesture, he ended up letting the hand drop to his side. "I miss you, too, but we will get past this." He gave her a bit of a grin, "We've done it before."

Erin just looked at him miserably. Every part of her just didn't want to get past this. He was still everything she wanted.

"Hey," he said lightly. "Stop looking so sad. All I want is for you to be happy. Honestly, you looked kind of happy a few minutes ago." She could see he was trying to give her a weak smile.

Irritation flared though Erin, "I was happy two weeks ago. When we were still together."

Jay sighed, and leaned back against the wall, resting his head against the bricks, closing his eyes as if he was trying to keep control. "Erin, we can't keep having this same conversation over and over. It's going nowhere."

Erin just kind of glared at him. She knew he was right, but somehow, someway, she kept hoping the conversations might end differently. "I know," she snapped.

He looked down at his phone again as it buzzed, then he looked back up, "So if I have to walk away when I see you making time with some guy. I'm gonna."

Anger filled her, "I told you. I don't even know him."

Jay shrugged, letting frustration push the sadness away. "But you will. Someday. Him or some other guy. Just like there is going to be some other girl."

Erin's heart flipped, "Are you seeing someone?" she whispered. Her mind replayed his focused attention on his phone as they had been arguing. Had he left Molly's not to avoid her, but because he actually did have plans with someone new. A tear slipped out, and she was unable to control the another as her eyes over flowed, her heart crushed.

"Erin…" She must of looked utterly devastated because he stepped close to her and wrapped his arms tightly around her. "Shhh, shhh, I'm not." He held her for a moment as her tears subsided, his jacket now damp from their wetness. He stroked her hair for just a few minutes more before pulling slowly away. "This is bad though, Erin. We can't keep going on like this, okay?"

She looked up at him with tear stained cheeks. "I know." She pulled back, and their arms slowly dropped away from each other. Her heart felt heavy. It felt so real at this moment. She recalled the box that sat under desk. The picture of the two of them, happy and carefree. It was just a memory now. Everything tonight seemed so final and hopeless. Any dream that she had ever had at reconciliation drifted away.

Jay gave her a sad look, "We had a great run. I don't regret a moment we ever spent together. This is just how our story ends." His eyes flitted away as a car pulled up next to the curb. "Hey, there's Will. I'm gonna go." He gave her an encouraging smile. "You should go back inside. Enjoy your night. We will get through this. It will get easier" He brushed a light kiss on her forehead before moving away.

Erin stood empty and alone on the sidewalk outside of Molly's watching the taillights of Will's car until it disappeared.

Thanks for reading. Please review. There is more to come. Possibly even this weekend!