4. Chapter 4

Erin shifted on the couch and tried to find a comfortable position. She attempted to focus her attention on the movie she had playing on the TV, but she could barely remember the plot despite the fact she had been watching it for almost an hour. Even though it didn't vibrate or make a noise, she pushed the button to look at her phone, checking for any messages or missed calls. Seeing none, she sighed and adjusted her position on the couch once more. Unable to concentrate on the movie, she grabbed her phone again and this time opened to her messages to reread the unanswered texts she had sent Jay throughout the evening.

8:24 p.m. I'm sorry about earlier. Just know that I love you.

9:15 p.m. Are you still with Mouse?

10:00 p.m. I miss you.

10:45 p.m. Are you okay?

It had been over half an hour since she'd last texted him, and she was trying to resist the urge to just flip off the television and head over to his apartment. She was worried about him, and since he was clearly choosing to ignore her texts, she knew that the events of earlier in the evening were affecting him. Erin let out a groan of frustration. A part of her was just so mad at him. Why did he had to go and ruin everything? She knew it was irrational to blame him for her saying no, but a part of her did. Everything between them had been perfect, but it hadn't been enough for Jay. Erin sighed. She just felt so inadequate. She just wasn't the marrying kind of woman, and Jay should have realized that. Yes, they talked about the future. Retirement, old age, sometimes even family, but Erin knew she had never mentioned marriage. Her feelings of marriage had taken root long ago. Sometime between Bunny's third and fourth marriage possibly. In her first few years with Hank and Camille, she had started to think that a normal marriage was possible. After seeing the pain Hank went through after Camille's illness and subsequent death, Erin had reconfirmed that lifelong commitment just wasn't something she needed in her life. In her mind, people change and grow over the years. Sometimes what you need in a relationship changes as well. It's a nice idea to think that the person you need in your thirties will still be the person you need in your fifties, but Erin just didn't buy it. She loved Jay. Truly, deeply. Most of the time, she thought that he would be the guy that she grew old with, but Erin didn't really know that she would feel the same way in twenty years. If she didn't, or if Jay didn't, she wanted them to be able to go their separate ways. Her heart hurt, thinking about it, but she still felt like it was a more realistic view of marriage and relationships.

Unconsciously, she caught herself checking her phone again. Realizing Jay had no intention of texting her back tonight, she decided to try a different approach. She didn't need to actually talk to Jay. She just needed to know he wasn't doing anything stupid. Making a decision, Erin grabbed her phone and pulled up her contacts. Hitting the call button, she waited impatiently as she heard the phone ringing.

"Hello, Erin?" She heard a voice question.

"Hey, Mouse." She let out a soft sigh. Just hearing Jay's friend's voice somehow relaxed her.

"Hey... um, what's up?" She could hear the curiosity in Mouse's voice. Erin didn't think she'd ever called Mouse for purely a social reason. Usually their phone calls were work related. Occasionally they'd exchange texts, but usually just when she was acting as a go-between for the two friends. She certainly never called him up late on a Saturday night.

"Is, uh, Jay still with you?" Erin knew that Jay'd probably be mad about her checking up on him, but she just needed confirmation that he was okay. Honestly, he probably couldn't be any more mad at her, could he?

Erin heard silence for a few moments. "Hmmm, no. I haven't seen him." Erin heard Mouse pause for a moment. "He kind of said he had, uh, plans with, uh, you?"

Hearing the awkwardness in his voice, Erin suspected that Jay had shared his proposal plans with Mouse. She sighed over the phone, "He hasn't contacted you at all tonight?"

"No." Mouse was quiet. "Is he okay?" Erin could hear the concern in his voice.

Erin thought about the cold and empty look in Jay's face as he had said goodbye. "I don't think so." She could hear Mouse thinking even across the phone.

"Ummm, maybe I'll give him a call."

"He might not answer. I've been texting him all night, and he's not responding. Maybe you should just go to his place and check in on him," Erin suggested. She needed to know that he was okay. If she wasn't going to be the one to comfort him, at least he could have his friend.

"Yeah, good idea." Mouse answered. She knew from Mouse's tone that, he had surmised what had went down that evening. As one of his closest friends, Mouse was one of the few people who Jay shared his real thoughts and feelings with. Often he just kept everything to himself. Erin hoped that tonight, Jay would be able to open up with Mouse.

As they were just about to hang up, Erin said, "Mouse?"

"Yeah, Erin?"

"Can you just text me that he's okay? I… I… need him to be okay." She quietly pleaded.

"Sure." Mouse replied understandingly, "I'll let you know what's up."

"Thanks, Mouse."

Erin dropped her phone into her lap, and rested her head on her hands. She mentally tried to calculate how long it might take Mouse to get from his apartment to Jay's. Her eyes rested on the clock as time slipped by. A few minutes for Mouse to clear out of his apartment. A couple minutes to get to his car. Twelve to fifteen minutes to drive to Jay's and find parking. Three minutes to walk up the stairs. Twenty minutes passed, and Erin's nerves tightened as she began to think that Mouse should have arrived at Jay's by then. What if he wasn't home? Where might he be? Scenarios flashed through her mind.

Scrolling through her phone, she searched for Will's number. He was the only other person that she considered Jay might have turned to. She was contemplating whether or not she should text or call Jay's brother, when her phone vibrated in her hand. She read the text that Mouse had sent her.

I'm with Jay.

Relief flooded her, but it wasn't truly enough for her to relax. Was Jay okay? She wanted to text Mouse back and inquire about Jay's state of mind, but Erin knew that it wasn't what Jay needed at the moment. She tried to just accept his parting words earlier in the evening, "I'll call you tomorrow." Hopefully after talking it out with Mouse and getting a night's sleep, everything would be put into perspective. Erin just hoped that Jay would understand that a future between them was still possible, even if it didn't include marriage. Sleep was long in coming, but eventually, Erin drifted off.

—-

Erin paced around her small kitchen restlessly. It had almost been 24 hours since she last talked to Jay. All day she held onto the hope that he would call her back. She fought the urge to call or text him. After her texts last night went unanswered, she knew that he was aware of how she felt. For most the morning she was fine, imagining that he was sleeping off a hard night. By afternoon, she had started to tense up. By evening, she was pissed. If he was just never going to speak to her again, the least he could do was call her up and dump her.

Erin did not want to show up at work tomorrow, still not having talked things out. That's all she needed was airing her dirty laundry out in the middle of the squad room. Every one on the team had been pretty cool about their relationship over the last year, but that was because they kept it professional at work. Erin didn't think she could keep her cool if he spent another day ignoring her existence.

Deciding she wanted to hash it all out tonight, she grabbed her keys and bag and took off for Jay's. Her confidence lasted only until she stood in front of his door. She, too, had her own key to his place, but after everything that went down, she definitely didn't feel comfortable using it. She knocked firmly and waited for him to answer.

Slowly the door swung open and a bleary eyed Jay appeared in the door frame. His face was unreadable, "Hey."

Erin tried to not let her irritation show. He had ignored her for a full day. A day in which she was terrified that their relationship might be over.

"What's up?" he greeted her stone faced.

Erin couldn't keep it together. "Hey? What's up?" She snapped. "How about you return a message at some point?" She angrily pushed through him into the living room. As she walked into the room, the evidence of how Jay had spent the last 24 hours was clear. Beer bottles and take out containers littered the room. Erin's eyes searched the room and spotted Jay's phone on the coffee table. She snatched it up and turned to slap it into Jay's hand.

Jay just narrowed his eyes and stared at his phone, "What?"

Erin crossed her arms in anger, "Well, I just assumed you had lost your phone or it was broken, since you couldn't be bothered to respond to any of my texts."

Jay dropped his phone back on the table and walked over to the couch. He swiped his most recent beer and took a long drink of it. "Knock off the dramatics, Erin. I told you I needed some time to think."

Erin crossed the room and sat next to him on the couch. She pulled up her leg, so she could face him. "I just wanted to know you were okay." She tried to calm her voice, but she was still upset.

"Well, I'm not," he bluntly replied.

Erin swallowed hard, and felt her anger leave to be replaced by fear. She let out a soft breath, "Will you be?"

Jay kept his eyes lowered, focusing on his beer bottle, "I don't know." He slumped back into the couch, and rolled his head to look at Erin. She could see the pain and hurt all over his face. His normally sparkling blue eyes were dull. "I just don't know how to feel, Erin."

She reached over and grabbed his hand, squeezing it gently. "Talk to me, Jay. Is there anything I can do or say?" She hated seeing him like this. She felt like he was close to ending their relationship. There was just a hopelessness to his posture.

Jay just shook his head slightly, "Nothing to say. You said it all."

Erin gripped his hand a little tighter, "You understand what I am saying though, right? It has nothing to do with you. It's just how I feel."

Jay snorted a bit, "Well, it kind of does have to do with me. After all, I'm the one you don't want to marry." He pulled his hand from her grip and reached for his beer. He tipped it back and drained it. Abruptly, he stood up and walked toward the kitchen for another drink.

"Jay!" Erin implored, "It's not personal. It's doesn't mean I don't love you." She got up and followed him to the kitchen.

Jay slammed the door to the fridge and spun around, "How am I not supposed to take it personal?" He spat out, "I asked you to marry me, Erin! To share the rest of my life with you. I wanted to build a life with you. A family." He gave her a bitter look, "It's personal, okay. Don't make it be less than it is."

Erin felt tears burn her eyes. "I know you are disappointed in me, but we can still share a life together. That is what I want. Can't that be enough?" She stepped in close to him, lifting her hand to caress his cheek. She could see Jay's emotions teetering between his anger and his love for her. "We can still be great together, Jay. You and I, partners, in everything."

Looking down at her, Jay's voice was thick with emotion, "Am I just supposed to give up on the things I want for my future?"

Erin knew that he was talking about kids. "I don't know. I mean, it's how I feel right now, but maybe-" She broke off. "I don't want to give you false hopes, Jay. Look at all the kids we know. Antonio's kids, Olinksky's daughters, Natalie, Jules's family, Olive's baby. It's like the world is telling us to just stop trying. It's impossible to have that perfect family."

Jay's face twisted in a grimace, "It doesn't have to be perfect, Erin. We just have to commit to a life together. To believe that what we have is enough." She knew that he wanted a sign from her that she might some day be ready to get married and have a family, but she knew that she couldn't lead him on like that. Even if it meant hurting him. Telling him she might someday change her mind, would just result in a deeper loss later. Erin just shook her head sadly.

Jay gave a hollow laugh, "And that's why I'm upset. Cause I realize that what we have isn't strong enough."

Erin felt tears spill down her cheeks at his words. "So this is it? It's over?" Erin felt her chest shake with sobs that she was trying to keep down as panic at the thought of losing him filled her.

Jay looked away for a moment thoughtfully. When he looked back at her, she could see that the devastation in his eyes matched the devastation in her heart. "I don't know where else we could go from here."

Erin gave up holding in her cries and allowed a sob to escape, she spun around covering her face with her hands. She couldn't believe the last 24 hours. Yesterday morning, she literally had never been happier in her life. She had the man of her dreams. She was considering asking him to move in with her. Everything she could have wanted was better than she could have imagined. Now, it was all in pieces. She felt his hands on her shoulder, "I'm sorry, Erin. This isn't what I want, but I don't see any other possibility."

She spun back around, her face streaked with tears and hurt, "If you don't want this and I don't want this, why are you breaking up with me?" She could see his resolve weaken. Stepping closer, she placed both hands on his cheeks and lifted up on her toes to kiss him lightly. "Don't…" he begged softly. He stepped back, her hands dropping from him dejectedly. "You are making this harder than it has to be."

"It is hard," Erin exclaimed. "How am I supposed to just walk away from you?"

Erin could see the tears in his own eyes as he looked down at her. "We have to. It's not fair to either of us to keep going though the motions of this relationship when we both want a different ending." Jay gave a gentle caress to her cheek, his fingers wiping a few tears away. Erin could see love and sadness in his eyes. "I'd still stay with you forever, hoping everyday that maybe you'd change your mind. If that's what you want, I'll do it."

Erin cried softly, "No." She sniffled a bit. Whether they were together or not, all she really wanted was for him to be happy. While pretending to accept her decision might allow them time together now, she couldn't bear it when the resentment inevitably set in. "I don't want you to hate me someday."

Jay gave her a weak smile, "I could never hate you." He leaned down and lightly brushed his lips against her cheek. "But I need to find a way to accept this."

Erin gave a slight nod. She let out a shaky breath. "So tomorrow…" she let her thought drift off. It wouldn't be the first time they pushed down their feelings for each other. They'd probably spent more time deny what they wanted than actually acting on their desires.

Jay took a step back, trying to put a little distance between them. Might as well start now. "Tomorrow we fight crime and kick ass."

Erin gave what she hoped was a brave smile. It was false, and she knew that Jay saw right through it, but she tried. She turned and started walking towards the door. "Then until tomorrow." She paused with her hand on the door, she gave him one last look over her shoulder. "I'm still so sorry, Jay."

He nodded sadly, "I know." At that, Erin slipped from Jay's apartment, and out into the world, leaving her love and hope for the future behind her.

I got a new computer and had some trouble reformatting this to publish. I tried to sort it all out, but my paragraphing got all messed up. Hopefully I caught all the errors. I apologize for any missed ones. Hope you enjoy. This chapter made me really sad to write. I love these guys! Read and review please!