17. Chapter 17

Erin entered Molly's and scanned the room slowly. She didn't notice Jay at first. She'd expected to see him at the bar, where he normally sat when he came to Molly's alone. For a moment, she thought she had waited too long. Then she saw the back of his head at a booth in the back corner. She guessed he'd really meant it when he said he wanted to talk somewhere more private. Erin let out a small sigh of relief. She was glad he was still here, but she still felt the nerves that had caused her to stall for forty-five minutes beyond when they were supposed to meet.

She slid into the seat across from him, and Jay glanced up in surprise. It was evident from his face that he had thought she had changed her mind about coming. "Hey," she gave in way of greeting. Jay nodded. His eyes lit up a bit at seeing her, but she could see from the expression on his face that he was wary after her tardy arrival. Erin apologized, "Sorry for running late. I ran by my place to get a few of Daniel's necessities for Hank. I dropped them off at his place. Then I just…" She let her voice trail off, and she gave him a weak smile.

Truth was, she had debated coming at all. It had been months of ups and downs for her and Jay. They had been at such a good place back in September, happy and in love. Then everything had just fell apart. As much as she tried not too, she couldn't help but remember all the hurtful things he had said and done over the last few months. She knew that her actions had probably hurt him as well. They finally seemed like they were getting to a good place again. Did that mean that they were going to get back to where they were before or would this conversation just result in fresh wounds?

Erin took stock of the bar table. There were two empty beer bottles and two empty shot glasses. Erin cocked her eyebrow at him questioningly. Jay gave her a sheepish look, "Sorry. I had ordered you drinks, but when you didn't show up…" This time Jay let his comment trail off and he shrugged. He spun his head around and motioned to the waitress at the table nearby for another round.

For a minute, they both sat awkwardly at the table while they waited for their drinks. Jay's attention was on an empty beer bottle that he was peeling the label off of, so Erin let her eyes drift to one of the televisions showing the end of a football game. The easy rapport that the two had enjoyed earlier that day and for the last week was gone. There was a tension between them. Erin suspected that Jay, like herself, had spent the last hour wondering what the possible ramifications of this night out could have.

When the waitress brought their drinks, Erin murmured her thanks, and lifted the shot glass. Jay finally met her eyes as he lifted his own glass.. They clinked glasses gently, Jay's eyes were hard to read as he said, "To friendship."

Erin paused with her glass halfway to her lips, "Is that what this is about?"

Jay finished his shot, and took a long drag on his beer. "Sure." He let out a frustrated sigh. "Erin, can you just relax. We've had beers together probably a hundred times."

Erin bit her lip. Since Jay seemed to be trying to be open, she decided to as well. "Why does it feel different?"

Jay was silent for a second. He just stared into her eyes. His blue eyes burned into her, and Erin felt those familiar feelings. "It doesn't have to be different." He softly spoke. Erin didn't know how to interpret that statement. Things could go back to how they were before or something different. Which "before" did he really want? Erin just looked into his eyes thoughtfully, not really sure how to respond.

Jay suddenly glanced away and shook his head as if trying to change the mood of the conversation. "So, you gonna tell me what's the story with Olive and Voight?"

Erin went ahead and downed her forgotten shot, grateful for the change of subject, even if it wasn't something she relished discussing. "After Justin's death, Olive got really depressed. I guess her doctor gave her some anti-depressants to help, but she was self-medicating with some hard stuff, too. I went over there a few times and found her totally out of it with Daniel. Hank wasn't seeing it clearly. I think they were both just absorbed in their own grief. I didn't know what to do or who to go to."

"You should have told me. I could have helped." Jay said.

Erin looked up at him, "I tried one night." She quietly said. She didn't know if he understood, that the night she had crashed his double date with Ruzek, had been that night. She saw the look on his face change slightly as realization dawned on him.

"Erin," he softly began, "I'm sorry. I didn't-"

"It's okay." Erin interrupted quickly. She saw regret all over his face, but she didn't want to get into that. "What's done was done." She didn't want to hear what had gone on that night, or any other night.

"Where is Olive now?" He questioned, redirecting the conversation.

Erin shrugged, "Honestly, we don't know. The night Hank was arrested police were serving a search warrant at his house, so I took Olive and Daniel back to my place. She bailed in the middle of the night, leaving him with me. She left a note. She thought the police would find drugs there that were hers, and she was afraid of going to jail. "

She could see Jay's eyes narrow, as he connected that information with what he already knew. Jay leaned forward, his voice low, "Haven't you guys been searching for her?"

"Of course," Erin replied. "But we've had to do it quietly, so that it doesn't become known that she skipped out on Daniel. We don't want this following her around."

Jay leaned back and crossed his arms against his chest. Erin could see that he didn't like what he was hearing. "You should put it on record that she's left him."

Erin shook her head, "Absolutely not!"

"Erin. She was getting high around her kid!"

Erin was defensive. "She was grieving and made some bad decisions. Who am I to blame her? I did worse after Nadia's death."

"You didn't have a son to raise." Jay replied angrily his voice was full of agitation. "Erin, what if she comes back and takes him. Grabs him and goes off somewhere high or stoned. You and Voight would have no case against her."

"We don't want to take Daniel away from her. We just want her to come back." Erin felt a bit of panic at Jay's words though. It was true. If Olive showed up, they actually had no legal rights. Erin continued, "I don't even know if either of us could even get legal custody. With Hank's legal issues, and I… I am not even really family." She looked at Jay with desperate eyes, "What if he ended up in the system?"

Erin knew that Jay understood her fear of the foster system. After learning what had happened to her own brother in the system, she just couldn't even think about Daniel with strangers.

Jay was silent for a moment. Then he nodded, "Okay. I see your point, but you should still talk to Voight about this. What's the plan if she tries to run with him?"

Erin was thankful that Jay wasn't being too heavy handed about this, "I don't think she will. I think she's just scared. Soon she's going to realize there is nothing to be worried about and come home."

Jay looked at her with worry. "What if she doesn't come back, Erin? What then?"

Erin just stared at Jay uncertainly. It was what had worried her the most over the last few weeks. The more time that passed, the more it concerned her that Olive might not be coming back. What if something bad had happened to her? Something that kept her from coming back ever. At some point, her and Hank would have to make some decisions.

She gave Jay a worried glance. "I don't know, Jay. I don't know."

Jay reached over and grabbed her hands. He squeezed them reassuringly. "Whatever happens, you are doing a great job. You'll work it out."

Erin looked at their clasped hands. A sense of comfort and safety filled her. There was just something about his touch that grounded her and made her really think that everything just might be okay. She gave him a brave smile, that maybe, just maybe ,she actually believed in happy endings at this moment. "Thanks for believing in me."

"I always have." Jay stroked his thumb softly against the palm of her hand.

Erin took a steadying breath as flickers of awareness sparked through her body. With Jay being so open and supportive towards her the last week, all those feelings just easily filled her. She couldn't help but feel confused.

Reluctantly, Erin pulled her hands from Jay's warm grip, "What's going on here, Jay?" She lightly asked, she took a long sip of her beer. "I've got to be honest. I am kind of confused."

Jay looked embarrassed. "Nothing. I was just-" He lifted his hand off the table, and placed it back on his drink. "I didn't mean anything by it." A little frustration showed on his face, "I can't comfort a friend now?"

Erin noticed that his face had lost that softness, and she almost regretted saying anything. "I am just confused by the turn around in you. A week ago, you were treating me like I was public enemy number one. Now you are holding my hand?"

"I've apologized for that. I know I was being an ass, but I just didn't know how to deal with you."

Erin furrowed her brow, "Deal with me? What's that supposed to mean?" Anger touched her voice.

Jay rolled his eyes, "You know what I mean. I haven't known how to be around you ever since-" He broke off, and Erin could tell that he didn't want to bring up that day. Erin knew that they needed to. If something more was going to come out of this, or even if they were just going to go back to being friends, they had to deal with this.

"Since I said no." Erin bluntly said.

Jay looked at her startled, before averting his eyes. "Yeah," he mumbled, his head dropping down to study his beer bottle.

"I'm sorry I hurt you that day." Erin whispered. She'd said it to him many times before, but she didn't know if he ever really understood how much it had actually hurt her to know that she was the cause of his pain.

Jay gave a small nod, but didn't look up at her still. She could see the tension in his shoulders. Would it always come down to this? Would that day dictate the rest of their lives? She knew he had intended it to. For Jay, that day was supposed to be the first day of the rest of their life together as a married couple.

This time Erin reached out for his hand. She laid her palm over his, that still gripped his beer tightly. "Will you ever be able to forgive me?" She held her breath as she waited for his answer.

His eyes focused on her hand before meeting hers, "I've been trying, Erin."

Erin bit her lip in stress. He sounded so sad. Maybe he'd been trying to forgive her, but she knew that he hadn't. Uncomfortable, she pulled her hand away from his, but he reached across the table and grabbed it.

Jay looked into her eyes, and Erin could see the pain mixed with sadness, "I want to. I'm trying to. I just don't know if I am there yet."

Erin gestured toward their clasped hand, "What's this then, Jay? The flirting and hand holding. If you can't forgive me, then this isn't fair to me. The mixed messages are driving me crazy."

Jay released her hand instantly like he had been burned. "I'm not trying to be difficult. I'm just trying to be honest with how I'm feeling. Going with the moment and all."

Erin just stared at him, shaking her head in frustration. She needed more. She needed to know what he was thinking about them and their future. "What do you expect from me? How do you want this to go?" She heard the desperation in her voice.

She saw a tightening of his jaw, "I don't know." He let out a frustrated groan. "You know what I wanted, and I am trying to come to terms with the fact that you don't want that with me." His eyes pleaded with her, "Sometimes I think I can do it. Be who you need me to be and not want for more. But then I see you and hear you talk about Daniel, and I don't know if I can do it. "

His eyes were so emotional, and Erin could see the heartbreak she had caused him. Erin blinked away a few tears that burned her eyes.

Jay continued, "A part of me is afraid I am always going to want it all with you. Even if we are never together again, I think you are always going to be the person I want."

Erin couldn't speak. Her throat was so tight, listening to his words and seeing him so emotional. Her own feelings were all over the place. She wanted to reach out and comfort this man that she loved so much. Yet for some reason she held back.

"Is there any chance, Erin?" She could see the anxious hope in his eyes, "You said you never wanted to get married or have kids, but I can tell you love having Daniel around. Now that you have him, have you changed your mind?"

Erin swallowed hard and found her voice. "He's not my son." She quietly whispered.

"I know that," Jay replied. "I was just hoping that maybe he made you realized that family can be a good thing. Having people to come home to each night, that could be what makes doing our job all worth it. Knowing that our family was waiting for us, could make life and work, and just everything that much better."

Erin just shook her head. It was like Jay was in her head. That was how she had been feeling since she took over the care of Daniel. She spent every day at work, making sure she got home to him each night.

Suddenly, Erin felt so overwhelmed. Jay was sitting there looking vulnerable and heartbroken, looking at her so expectantly. It was like she was reliving that moment when she had turned around to find him down on one knee. The moment when he'd torn their relationship apart. Only now she sat here, desperate to have him back in her life again. Knowing that one simple word could have him back in her arms…forever if that's what she wanted.

Had she changed her mind?

"I think I should go." Erin suddenly blurted out. She quickly stood up from her seat and hurriedly pulled on her jacket. She tried to avoid looking at Jay, but noticing his lack of movement, she paused for just a moment. He was staring straight ahead, not looking at her, but clearly aware of her movements next to the table. His mouth was partially open in disbelief, and his breathing was labored. He looked just as devastated as he had all those months ago. Erin's instincts told her to run away, but something held her still. She needed a different ending to how she had left things the last time.

She stepped close to him, laying her hand on his cheek, apply enough pressure until he turned his head to look at her. Her heart pulled seeing the shine of tears in his eyes as well. "I'm trying, too, Jay." She opened her mouth, and the words she wasn't even aware she consciously felt tumbled out, "I'm just worried I can't give you all that you want. It would kill me to hurt you again."

"I need to know." He whispered. "Is there? Is there any chance?"

Erin's eyes locked with his, her hand still cupping his cheek. She didn't think she could speak. She didn't want to give him false hope, but she couldn't say no. Impulsively, she leaned forward and brushed a lingering kiss against his cheek. Just as she felt his hand move to touch her cheek, she pulled back.

"I should go." She said, letting her hand fall from his face back to her side.

Jay started to stand, and she saw him reaching for his jacket. "Let me walk you out."

"No," she quickly responded. She saw a flash of hurt on his face. "I really am tired, and…" she took a steadying breath. "I think we both just need some time to think."

"Okay. Drive safe." Jay reluctantly sank back into his chair and nodded. Erin could see a lot of different emotions on his face, and she imagined hers looked similar. All of the sudden, he gave her a grin. "Get some sleep. You've looked like an extra from the Walking Dead lately."

Erin rolled her eyes a bit at his comment, but appreciated that even after all their emotional honesty, he could still tease her into a smile. "Thanks. What a compliment."

He just chuckled and his grin widened. That sparkle returned to his eyes, and Erin sucked in a breath. God, she loved him so much. How could she not want to spend the rest of her life with someone who could made her life every moment of her life so much better? Not trusting herself to stay a second longer, she gave him a little wave and left Molly's. Fighting every urge that she had to not turn back around and go to him.

She meant what she said. She needed time to think and try and figure out if things had changed for her. She knew her love for Jay hadn't changed, but she didn't know if love was going to be enough. It hadn't been enough for him. He'd still left her. If she let him back in, she didn't know if she could take that kind of rejection again. Jay needed to think, too. If she couldn't commit to all that he wanted, was he willing to settle for less this time, or was it going to be all or nothing again. If was all or nothing, Erin had no idea if she could actually choose a life without Jay in it. It was going to be a long night, and Erin had no idea if sleep was even going to be an option.

Author's Note: So they are FINALLY communicating a little bit. I know many of you were anticipating this conversation. I hope it didn't disappoint. On a side note, I love all my reviewers and appreciate their ideas, but I have no plans for Erin or Jay to get hurt in this story (at least not physically). I like story suggestions and do listen and use some of them to give me direction. I just can't believe how many people want them hurt, so I thought I'd address it. I did the whole hospital thing in my other story Disconnect, so I don't plan on doing that again. I want them to reunite under different circumstances this time.

To thank you all for reading and reviewing, here are some previews of upcoming chapters. Thanksgiving with the squad... Jay and Daniel quality time… we finally get a clue about what happened to Olive… and maybe one or two little additional complications as well. That is the name of the story after all.