Tomorrow is Today

それでも朝を待っていますが,遠い感じがします.

When I was a kid, I didn't knew if my life in the future would be better or not. I just dreamed of nothing else but me flying in my jet to space.

"Someday, you'll grow up to be a strong person. My little unicorn, I hope you grow up to be just as strong as me." Mother always says that to me all the time.

But, I dunno anymore. That's the only memory of my past. I don't give a righteous damn about what happened to me back then.

I only remember... the beatings.

Yeah that was the past I had. I always thought that my family would love me to the fullest... but I guess I was just being wrong.

They always blame me with the old saying... "THE YOUNGEST GETS IT."

Heheh... I guess I do remember my past.

I didn't think of it back then... I thought this was just normal for everybody else.

After I saw other people... and it made a lot of sense to me now... they hated me.

It was obvious back then that they hate me to the fullest... but not to my young self.

So when I saw that.... I burst into tears of realization.

I tried to get away from them, but because I was so young... I lost track of myself. Not until I found... him.

It was him who saw me first and greeted me with a smile on his face. Nobody else did that to me.

We played around the riverside, even seeing his ice cream fell on the river. I think that was the only time... I had my happiest time.

When my family found me... they picked me up and we went home.

And you know what did I receive? Beatings... they were trying to force me to stop crying, but even I couldn't stop me... it just kept on falling.

As I grew older and older, as I grew more independent from them... I severed ties with them. Finally, I was out of their lives. It was going to be the most peaceful time of my life, right?

No.

Even outside their lives, I can still feel my trauma... of being the reason of hatred. Those traumas got into my everyday life that I felt like everyone's bugging me. I can't even talk to strangers... because of that, I can't even get my own job.

I soon felt the struggle.

At that point, I was just waiting for a sweet release of death. I wished... that I had all the bad luck.

And so I did.

When I stepped out that one time, I tripped and got myself bruised all over... just for that one trip, my skin became sensitive.

It was so harsh. I didn't mean to like this. I just want... to feel love again.

But I always doubt about it. People tell me... life is sweeter... but I never hear what they say. Even saying that... nothing comes to change my life.

And that was my mistake.

Because of my bad luck, I soon started to feel worthless. I felt like... God just wants me to live longer to feel all pain and suffering.

I tried to fight back my tears, but they wouldn't stop. I tried to hold on to my dreams, but I already let go of them a long time ago.

This is not working well for me anymore.

So I tried to find him.

The only person I can rely on. The person whom I met from childhood... I'm going back to that memory of the riverside again to find out who he is.

And then I found him... Sakuta Azusagawa.

He also suffered the same thing I had, but it's gone on him. He's free.

But when I tried to contact him... I gave him a piece of my bad luck. I couldn't even say sorry, but that's just how it was.

Despite being a bummer with a face of a jackass, he's kind to me.

Despite all of what I'm facing, he's still kind to me.

Despite being a bother to him... he's still kind to me.

I don't know why... but he's just kind to me, and to everyone he knew and loved... Especially his girlfriend.

I felt like being around her... it felt like my mother... because she treats me like I'm some kind of child. And I was fine with that.

Finally... someone who truly cared for me. Someone who understands me. Now I can feel the peace.

But they wouldn't stop.

My bad luck just wouldn't stop trying to intervene with my life. But despite all of it, my life felt a little bit better just being with them.

I found my true family.

This is where it leads to my another mistake.

I started to feel doubts about being around with them. I started to think that they're now getting annoyed with me and my situation. I was wrong to think of that.

My bad luck just kept kicking in, possibly even affecting Sakuta's life now.

This needs to stop now. They've been trying so hard to solve my problems, and it seems that they've had enough and they're now tired of me.

I need to go.

I need to stop myself from living now.

I don't need this life anymore. I've had my fair share of living in literal hell, and now it's time I truly go to where peace and prosperity shall take me.

It's been a fun journey... Sakuta... Mai... Nodoka... and everybody else who have been with me. Everyone who gave me a spark of unbridled joy.

Especially to you... Mom. Your little unicorn will ascend now and go to a new journey.

Oh hear comes the tears again...

Please make my bed, because I'm gonna lie in it.

Too much has been given.

I've seen a lot of life and I'm damn sick of living it.

I was living, and I was singing, and my hands were playing.

As expected, everything was over.

Thank you. For listening to me...

Cheers.

This is the only thing I want to do... so please... hold off.

-her final words

Originally created on: May 10, 2021