14| Heartbreak

Amelia pov

Dean was driving me to uni today. That was because Bri had called in sick and wouldn't attend classes. And she was just too much protective of me to let me drive alone. I'd told her a million times I was an adult who was more than capable of taking care of herself. But she was adamant, she wanted me to feel at home. She said this was her way of protecting me, and that she would let me drive myself when I became fully comfortable with everything.

Sometimes I felt she was just extra protective and it irritated me. But the other times I felt she'd become this way for a reason. I'd made her that way. My past had made her that way.

So when I heard a car honk and I went outside, I wasn't surprised to see Dean on the wheel. I hurried inside.

"Hi." I smiled at him.

He just nodded. I blinked, not really understanding his reaction. We zoomed off as I looked out of the window.

"Theo called me yesterday." He said after a while, glancing at me from the corner of his eye. "Sounding absolutely distraught and disappointed. Said you'd run away again. He started blaming himself for your behavior. Why the fuck did you ask for his address when you didn't even plan on going there, Amelia?"

I'd never seen Dean angry. And the way he was talking to me told me just how much angry he was with me right now.

"You know Bridget fought with Theo yesterday about how he would break your heart and she would never let him do that. But I don't think it's going to be your heart that's broken." Then he turned around to completely look me in the eye, his expression powerful and furious. "You will break his heart at the end of the day."

"You don't know anything about me." My lower lip quivered.

"Yes, I don't. And from what Bri's told me, you've been through a lot. And I respect that, I respect you. But that doesn't give you a right to hurt someone." 

I looked down at my feet.

"I've known Theo my entire life. And I know for a fact that he's absolutely smitten by you for some reason. He's never acted like this with any other girl. Bridget may say that he will break your heart and that you should stay away from him, but she doesn't know him the way I do. She's seen him playing with girls, but it's different this time. I fucking don't care if it sounds cliche but I know it's different. He's different with you."

I didn't say anything.

"I'm not asking you to give him a chance, Amelia. No, that is totally up to you. I'm asking you to not lead him on. He's too invested in you already. If you're not sure about him, please do not lead him on, just- just don't fucking hurt him."

  I needed time to figure out things. Everything was in circles in my head, my feelings, my emotions, my fucking life. But Theo wasn't the one to wait. He was impatient, he wanted everything right now.

When we reached the university, I wasn't even surprised to see him standing by his Porsche, hands in his pocket, his face looking tired, dark purple bags under his eyes as if he hadn't slept the entire night.

I took in a harsh breath, feeling my lungs expand in my chest. My heart was beating wildly. I was about to get out when Dean grabbed my hand. "If you can't give him the happiness he deserves, you have to let him go."

I closed the door behind me, watching the car rush forward. I felt his eyes burning holes in my back, I felt his deep stare on me. I wanted to crawl to my bed and bury myself in my blanket. Even though I had my back to him, I knew his eyes were full of frustration and anger. They would be a smoldering green, dark in the middle. His fists would be clenched at his sides as he waited for me to turn around and look at him.

I did turn around but I did not look at him. That is how much of a coward I was. I looked down at my feet, walking hurriedly, trying to look at anything but him. My hair fell down my shoulder, acting like a shield, but they wouldn't stop him from coming to me. He would know it was me even if he couldn't see my face.

I felt him walk after me. His steps were loud and dominant as if telling me that he was following me. He didn't try to match my pace or grab my arm. He kept his distance, letting me go where I pleased. And I knew I had to have this conversation with him, so I didn't try to escape. I walked towards the hallway where I knew no one would be.

I looked back when I stopped to find him already standing there, waiting. He looked at me, not saying a word. I gulped, whipping my head to the side.

"Do you have anything to say to me, Mia? Anything at all?" He asked after a while. "Any kind of explanation, or an excuse? No?"

I looked down.

"Just tell me why. Why are you doing this? Why are you pushing me away?" He sounded so helpless, as if he'd lost all hope, as if he'd accepted his defeat.

"I don't deserve you."

"What in fucking hell are you talking about?" He shouted. "Why the fuck would you even say that? Have you looked at yourself? 

You're amazing, you deserve much more than me. But I'm too selfish to let you go."

"But that's funny, you know," He sobered up, then gave a small chuckle without any humor. "Because I never had you in the first place."

"Theo-"

"You let me believe you wanted me. You let me think there was hope for us, for you and me. When all along it had all been a lie."

Fuck. Is that what he thought? Fuck this was not going the way I had expected. "No-"

"I was fucking whipped, Mia!" He shouted again. I'd seen him angry, but never had that anger been directed at me. It made me nervous. "I still am. I can't sleep or walk or eat or do anything without thinking about you. I don't know what's happening to me."

"Please, Theo-" I moved towards him but he moved back. A horrendous feeling of déjà vu crept in my mind, just that the roles were reversed now.

"Do not fucking look at me like that." He spat out. "Don't look at me like you regret it. Don't look at me like-like you want me." 

His voice broke off. He closed his eyes as if in pain, and when he opened them again, pain is the only thing I saw.

I had caused that.

I had caused him pain.

"I'd always wanted everything casual. Girls, relationship, sex, I wanted everything casual. And then you came." He shook his head. 

"You made me want to settle. You made me want to drop everything casual and settle down. But it was a lie."

"No-"

"Everything was a fucking lie! You holding my hand was a lie, every kiss was a lie, you making me believe you wanted me was a lie."

"Please, listen to me. Theo-" I made a move to grab his hand but he flinched away from me. I froze. He'd never, ever done that. 

He had always wanted some kind of physical touch. Him flinching away from my touch scared me.

"Don't touch me, Mia. Please, please don't. Please don't." His voice was soft like a whisper. His fists were clenched, eyebrows furrowed as if restraining himself from reaching out to me. 

"I'm tired." He whispered. He looked up to meet my eyes. "I'm tired, Mia."

"Of what?"

"Chasing you." His words broke my heart. "You always pushed me away. Even when you showed that you wanted me, you pushed me away. But I stayed. Whenever we grew close, you ran. You always ran, Mia. But I always, always ran after you. I liked running after you. I thought that it would show you somehow that I was serious about you, that I would never give up on you."

"Yes-"

"But I'm tired now. I can't- I can't run anymore."

No.

"I always said I would catch you. I wanted to catch you."

"Yes, Theo-"

"But now I'm starting to think that you just don't want to be caught."

No.

  I made him think there would never be an us. I made him give up. I hurt him. This was all my fault. 

"I can't catch someone who doesn't want to be caught. I can't."

His words broke my heart little by little, piece by piece. I used to run away to not hurt him, and that's exactly what I'd done right now. I'd hurt him. I'd hurt the only guy who'd ever stuck around, who'd shown me he would never let me fall. I'd made him think he was stupid to run after me. I'd made him think I didn't want him, when that was a lie.

I did want him.

I wanted Theo.

That was the first time I'd ever admitted that to myself. I had feelings for him, feelings which I couldn't really name because I didn't understand those overwhelming emotions when it came to him. He made me want to break the walls I'd taken so long to build around myself. He made me want to take a risk.

But the timing was shitty. 

"You know," He gave a comical chuckle. "Even now my heart just can't understand the fact that you don't want me. My heart wants you to fight for it the way it fought for you. My stupid heart," He shook his head. "Deep down, I still have hope, but I don't know how long I can hold onto that. I want you to run after me the way I ran after you, I want you to chase me like I chased you. But it's no use, Mia, it's no use because you don't want me."

"Theo, please." I whispered.

"Please what, Mia?"

"Please don't do this. Don't act like this." I whispered. I moved towards him again but he took a step back. I wanted to laugh at the irony.

"Why? Why does it matter to you?" He demanded.

"It just does." I looked down.

He threw his head back and laughed. "That's not good enough."

"Theo-"

"I'm fucking tired. I can't run after you anymore."

I then did something completely out of character, and completely fucked up. I grabbed his shirt and pulled him towards me, pressing my lips to his. I tried to tell him everything through my lips which I couldn't say out loud. His arms didn't come around my waist like always, but he did move his mouth against mine. I tilted my head to get a better angle, coaxing his lips softly. 

It was a desperate move, and I realized that seconds after he pulled away. "You can't keep doing this." His voice sounded pleading. "Please, you can't keep doing this to me."

I opened my mouth but no words came out. My inner voice was screaming at me to tell him I wanted him, but my mouth had stopped functioning.

Then he looked me in the eye, his green eyes so vivid and so pure. "Do you want me or not?"

I want you. I want you. I want you. 

I screamed at my mouth to speak something, anything. It didn't.

His expression turned hard. "Got it." He turned around and walked away.

Just like everyone else. Only this time it was me who pushed him away. He didn't want to go, I made him go.

I slid down to my knees and broke down.

*