Fuck

What comes after life?

Death?

Heaven?

Another life?

I had none of that.

Argh-

A groan leaked.

'Where?'

Where was I?

Why couldn't I see?

Why couldn't I feel?

Why couldn't move?

"Argh?"

Why couldn't I speak?

So quiet. So lonely. So… heavy.

This nothingness, forced me to think back. The boredom, forced me to think about my own life. What was I even doing with my life?

Always lying around in my room, doing nothing, going nowhere; just watching anime, reading books, sometimes watching porn and stuff. Yeah, life was fun. But yeah, life was boring and I made it that way. It went on and on for years; I didn't go to school; I didn't need friends. I had everything I could ever hope for and there was nothing more to hope for. But then one day, my parents died.

That day, I'd cried. Not because my parents were gone, but rather because now I had nowhere to go and no one to count on. I never had siblings; I barely ever spoke with my relatives. And the few that I knew, hated me. I was a nuisance, I was worthless. Useless. Why would any sane person take me in? 

Besides, I had pride. And that pride compelled me to not go to them… for the first two days. As food and rations ran out, I ran to them anyway. I begged them. And they took me in. and then they kicked me out a week later. I was useless in every sense of the word. I couldn't make my bed, I couldn't eat without someone feeding me, I couldn't even wash my own clothes. Too privileged for my own good.

Useless. 

It was a miracle my parents dealt with me for so long despite all that. My relatives didn't want to though. This was why, why I found new respect for my parents. But I had to live…. I sold things, I even ended up selling the house.

My dumb-ass-self sold the whole damn house for less than a thousand dollars. Yeah, I knew nothing of the world. 

I was just scammed…no, I let myself be scammed. 

"Please- please donate something-" I approached people on the streets. 

But they just ignored me. 

I'd never done anything in my life. Hence, I was fat. Really fat. And I still had decent clothes: dirty but decent. That's why no one gave me money either.

No, that wasn't quite it. Why would people go out of their way to give me money? Why? Why would anyone give me money? Why would they?

They wouldn't. 

I wouldn't.

And that's why I died. On the street. There was nothing special about it. Nothing extraordinary.  I just died in a corner, of hunger. Homeless. 

And now, I was stuck here, wherever this was. This nothingness. 

Shouldn't I have gone to heaven? Heh!

Heaven.

As if heaven had any use for a worthless scum like me.  But then where was this?

Hell?

If so, then how come things were so… devoid of sense? Besides, wasn't hell supposed to be hellish? Then again this was also kind of hellish in its own way; not being able to move.

"AHGH!" Another groan.

What was wrong with me?

No words were coming out of me other than just groans.

And wait-

It wasn't that I couldn't move but rather, something had pinned me down and- 

'Can I get up?'

No. I couldn't. But I did try reaching up- or rather, forcing my hand up. 

Trickle!

Something dusted over me. Not important, I kept trying. More trickle!

Just a bit more- just a bit-

More.

There! My hand went through. Finally! I tried feeling my body. But no, there was nothing here. Just dirt?

Was I buried?

Why?

Because I was dead? Well, I was certainly not dead, that was for sure. 

Heh!

I grabbed some dirt and threw it away. I grabbed some more dirt and repeat! I wasn't buried that deep, maybe ten centimeters? Plus, no coffin. Also, it wasn't like I had anything better to do, so.

'But if I'm still alive…'

Then what was I going to do with about my food or… 

Sigh. Maybe it's better to just die?

I was already in a grave.  Heck, if I collapsed this time, the people might not even bother burying me again and just- No. No!

I grabbed more dirt and threw it away. Not again. 

Never again.

I already gave up enough times. If I kept on running like that… it was entirely possible, I could just collapse again. It was possible I wouldn't be able to find any jobs and this would repeat. 

But no- 

I had to save myself. I had to buy back the house.

I had to-

Darn it!

Why…

The dirt wasn't ending. But my eyes were leaking.

I didn't want to live like this.

All this…

But no-

I had to do this. You gotta… you just gotta Sean…

The thoughts went back and forth. I could never come to terms with either count, and yet, I kept on throwing dirt. Perhaps to take my mind of things, and trying to do something. Or perhaps….

And though it took hours I didn't stop throwing the dirt away. I didn't tire, I didn't give up. I just, kept going.

Some rays of cold light- 'Almost…'

"Argh…" Groaning, I squeezed out of the small hole I'd just created,  clawing my way out, and sat down.

Night.

Vast sky.

Really tall trees, knee high grass, insects buzzing. 

Jungle?

Why was I buried in a jungle without any other graves- 'Oh…' My eyes fell on my hand and my clothes, or rather the lack thereof.

There's nothing here…

No clothes. No skin. No flesh.

Just bones.

I'm dead… I chuckled but only a groan came out. 

Oh well. At least better than living. The fuck am I relived for?  I really couldn't help but laugh.

Fuck.