014. Off the List [3]

Special mass release for the novel's launch, 14/20.

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MISHA

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Almost all of us headed to the US to attend university and keep an eye on her, as zia Anna was scared of her falling into depression and attempting something against her own life, though we kept that motivation a secret.

And the biggest change for me, was that I was feeling heart-broken, since Emma confessed to me that she was a lesbian, not bisexual but a lesbian, period. Meaning my love was one-sided. I kept loving her nonetheless, and a part of me was happy that at least she was in love with Rosalia, who also happened to be a lesbian, since Rosa was a good friend, but I was still jealous. Bitterly jealous.

I used to think there was a hint of love in the letters she wrote me, devotion and pure love, but it seemed like I had imagined. What I thought to be carnal love that would get us married, was friendly love. Sisterly love. It was humiliating.

Not so humiliating because I had never confessed, or brought up the letters I thought to myself as love letters. And it was an even lower hit when she told me that not only was she crazy in love with Rosa, but she's always been, since she was a little child. Meaning that even when she wrote me the letters, she was in love with Rosa. It was no short of heart-breaking.

Beyond being my first and only love, she's my best friend, and I kept her secret safe. Hers and Rosa's. Though I confess I enjoyed when our famiglias kept saying that we would totally end up dating, even if it was hopeless. It was similar to what happened with Zoe Maud, my little brother Leo, and their friend Luigi. Though I used to be fully sure that she was in love with Leo, since he was the only one of us with whom she loosened up a bit, which annoyed me a lot.

Must be because I wanted someone better for my little brother, and not a narcissistic mean girl like her, since he's warm hearted and sweet, and she's the total opposite. So, even though I'm surprised, I'm very relieved that he's actually dating Luigi, even if I never realized he was gay at all. What actually surprised me was that Zoe Maud had the decency of helping them hide it, which is precisely where our situations match.

Though a week before we graduated, Rosa and Emma came to me and asked me to pretend to be Emma's boyfriend, since they came up with a plan for to fake date me, realize from that that she's not into man and doesn't love me, and then give them time enough for them to gather the courage enough to come out. I agreed right away, not just because I love Emma, but because I couldn't wait to see Zoe Maud's reaction when I appeared dating her sister, since she hates me so much. And what can I say? I was not disappointed.

It was the first time I got so much reaction from her. In fact, she probably has no memories of that, but it was the second time we had such a long interaction, as the first one was when I went to hid in her room on Christmas 10 years ago, and found her there, planning stuff for freaking college. When she gave me permission to hide in her room and in the secret rooms inside it whenever I wanted.

I have no idea why she did that, when she despises me, but it puzzled me for three months. I thought she was pranking me, but she's too serious for that. And she got livid when I told her that I'm dating Emma. Livid doesn't even begins to explain it. I had finally gathered confidence to ask her why she hated me, now that I'm 22 and she's 20, and she actually confessed to hate me.

She didn't tell me the fucking reason, though, which pissed me off more. But getting her so furious like that made my night. Sure, I got mad when she talked about Emma like that, since I never thought she would ever be jealous of anyone, since it doesn't even makes sense. And I may have been a bit aggressive with my words, but I doubt she actually cared about that.

Zoe Maud is probably just bitter because I'm her brother-in-law now.

Even if it's fake.

And in the morning that followed? Fuck, she was looking like a ghost full of resentment, anger, fury, and all kinds of bad emotions. I don't know what got her like that, but I think it might be because she's definitely in love with Leo, and can't hide how she's uncomfortable with him officially out and dating Luigi. She even avoided them, and she never did that.

She even isolated herself for two weeks after that, it's quite the tantrum for a 20-year-old to be throwing. It could also be because she's now the only person who's single in the Campobello and Santorini famiglias. She acts so superior to us but she can't even date someone.

Okay, I feel kind of better that she's single, since I actually also am, since I'm just faking being with Emma. It helps me not feel so pathetic. She's pathetic. It's her time to be the pathetic in here, not us.

Mia has always been put together, the perfect kid with no mistakes, no bad phase, no rebel moments in her entire life, she's been a straight-A student, good at everything, and composed in her own way, and that's always been no short of infuriating to me, I confess that much. Even if I'm ridiculous for feeling this, it gives me satisfaction to see her alone when none of us are. Well, again, I am but nobody knows that, and that's what makes me feel better.

Does that make me an asshole?

Not like I care if it does.

So, it's not a wonder that nonna Giulia Santorini only called us, not her in.