28

You know those days where you feel miserable and just can't bring yourself to do anything? Well, I've been feeling like that for the past week. I barely make it out of my bed and I haven't left my house since last Friday. I even canceled my therapy session yesterday because I physically feel like I couldn't do it.

That's the worse thing about mental illness, you'll have proper depressive episodes for no reason. The smallest thing could trigger a breakdown or literally nothing at all could happen but you'd still feel like you just don't have it in you to deal with being alive. I hate feeling like this because I feel like I can't talk about it, I'm so blessed I have no right to complain about my struggles or my off days. That's so unbelievably selfish of me considering real things other people go through.

I roll over in my bed pulling the covers under my chin, I pick up my phone to see I have a couple of notifications, some texts, some other stuff but I don't think I can talk to anyone right now. I don't feel like lying and telling everyone I'm fine but at the same time, I just don't feel like talking to anyone so I just keep to myself. My close friends know I get like this sometimes so they know not to pressure me too much which I love them for.

One person who I've actively been coming up with excuses to not talk to is Karter. Even though we've been together for 9 months I haven't shown him this side of me or even told him about my struggles which I know is so wrong but even though I trust Karter and I really like him probably love him I just don't know how to open up to him even though he's the kindest person ever, I just hate being that vulnerable. I don't know, I need to come clean to him one day but I don't know how to do that exactly because Karter seems like someone who has his life together, I don't know if he would understand which I don't blame him for.

So, I've been telling Karter that I'm just busy with work and stuff, I text him once or twice a day but I have been dodging his calls because I know he'll pick up that something is wrong but I don't think I can tell him all this over the phone, long-distance really fucking sucks.

Karter texted me again asking how my day is going and that he misses me which makes me feel absolutely nothing at all. I am the worse person ever. I lie to him about what I did today and told him I miss him too and text him some other stuff enthusiastically pretending all was amazing over on my end.

I open the Instagram app, scrolling through my timeline aimless as I have been doing all week. Not liking or commenting on anyone's post or viewing anyone's story just observing people's lives without making it known that I'm watching. After I reached the end of my feed I decided to go on my explore page to scroll until my thumbs feel sore. I save and screenshot some memes which I want to send to some of my friends once I feel a bit better, watch some tiktoks, see a few random people's IGTV's until I come across a girl's picture. She was tall, tan, and beautiful. She was wearing a pink two-piece cuff sleeve crop top and short skirt, with matching accessories. She looked stunning, she has luscious blonde hair and green eyes with a perfect nose and basically a perfect body.

I click on her profile and find out she's a model, of course, she's stunning. Her feed is full of her in chic, trendy, and colorful outfits. I come across a picture of her in a bikini, she really does have a perfect body. Tan skin, abs, toned legs, and the curves in all the right places and not a single scar or stretch mark or cellulite on her body, even without makeup she's stunning. Suddenly, I run my hand over my clothed stomach, I haven't worked out in a bit. I have put on more pounds than I'd like to admit which is literally the story of my life. I'm barely eating for days but then I binge and basically fuck up my body not to mention I haven't worked out and all I wear are baggy clothes because most of my fitted clothes are tight on me. I sigh, an overwhelming feeling of sadness rushing through me as I found myself comparing myself to this girl who looked nothing like me. I wish I had colored eyes and hair like that and a perfect nose and abs. I turn my phone off and throw it on the bed pulling the covers off my body.

I sit up on the bed and catch my reflection on the mirror opposite my room. I looked like complete and utter shit. My hair was messy and greasy, my face was breaking out, the sweatshirt I was wearing made me look 4 sizes bigger than I was. I run my fingers through my hair, I wish I could feel pretty. I wish I could be one of those people who were pretty, who people aspired to be like, someone that made people's heads turned but no I'm simply brown-haired, brown-eyed, somewhat chubby Maria. Just Maria.

I have been feeling so numb lately it's shocking how I can go this long staring at myself and picking apart everything I hate about myself and not crying. I haven't cried in 2 weeks which to some people might not be a big deal but when you're me it's a huge deal. I cry all the time, I cry at least 2 times a day. Not always sad crying, I'm just an insanely emotional person and a huge baby so crying is literally a personality trait for me. My sensitive soul and over-emotional heart are literally my worse flaw. It always has been so days like this when I feel absolutely nothing and can't cry or laugh or feel sad even feels so refreshing. I know I shouldn't say this but I love that I can just not feel for a bit. I hate feeling because I always feel too much I wish I could just stop.

Honestly, almost every other day I wonder why I have a successful career why I have these people who look up to and admire me. Sure I work hard but am I super talented? Not at all, I don't know what I did to deserve their love and support. Part of me thinks the only reason they care so deeply about me is because they don't know the real me, they know the projected happy bubbly so called perfect and airbrushed version of me. I don't think anyone knows me really well I don't know but people who do get to know me usually don't stick around. I need to stop with this pity party but I can't control my thoughts.

The girl I was stalking on Instagram popped up in my head again, I wonder if she's happy and content with life or if she has anxiety everytime she has to post or if she hates every feature on her face or absolutely dreads photoshoots because she hates every picture of herself? It's a bizarre thought but social media is an illusion, if someone were to scroll through my social media they'd think I was also a very happy go lucky perfect lifestyle type gal. No one would ever think there was anything wrong with me. I wonder if anyone ever compares themselves to me, I hope not. Then why do I compare myself to everyone?

I turn my head as I hear a knock on my bedroom door, I turn around to see Jay and Allan in my doorway, "Hi friend" Allan smiles.

"I know you need space right now but we just wanted to come say hi for a bit" Jay smiles sitting next to me on the bed.

I force a smile, "Hey" I say lowly pushing my thoughts out of my head. Atleast I can say these are 2 people who really know me who have never given up on me or left me even in my most troubled state.