12

I just got done with a workout session with my trainer Allie then headed upstairs to take a shower.

I check the time, I have an appointment with Linda at 2 pm and it's 12:45, Linda's clinic is over an hour from my house so I quickly call an Uber.

I was just texting a friend when I got a call from my dad. I take in a deep breath as I hit answer.

"Hi!" I say faking ardour.

"Hello Maria, how are you?" I roll my eyes at my father's formal tone can he ever just act like I'm his child and not a stranger?

"I'm good baba, how are you?" I keep my tone light and friendly. .

So my dad is Turkish and my mom is Malaysian. My older brother and I were born in Michigan and we lived there till I was 4 then we lived in Malaysia till I was 10, my younger brother was born there then finally we settled in Turkey. A few years later, at 15, I moved to the States to pursue my dreams. I should add I'm a Muslim, not a practicing one as I was raised to be but I like to think of myself as partly religious, I have a strong faith in God despite the fact that I don't necessarily live my life according to the "guidelines" we as Muslims are supposed abide to purely because I don't believe religion is that black and white but that's a discussion for another day.

One of the reasons Jay and I bonded so quickly is because we have almost the same family background, his mom is Turkish, his dad is Malaysian but he's spent his whole life in the States and unlike my family, his family are the most supportive, thoughtful and loving people.

"I'm good," He says and then I hear another high-pitched voice, my mother, "Maria, how are you sweetheart?" She puts on her classic talking on the phone voice.

"I'm alright Mama, how is everything with you guys?" I use my index finger to draw circles on my thigh.

"Just missing my kiddos, all three of them are away from me now. I can't bear it" She rings on, "When are you visiting honey?"

I roll my eyes, like she cares, "Soon very soon" I lie. Since my younger brother went off to uni last year I barely go back home, he was really the only reason I kept going back, and now that he's gone and I can see him without having to see them, I'm intent on spending as little time with them as I can, just the bare minimum is enough for me.

"Maria darling, I was just googling you last night and I saw some pictures of you at some restaurant" Her tone thickening, "You were with 4 boys, how many times do I need to tell you that you need to be careful with boys not to mention being too friendly with men is forbidden in our religion sweetheart. No man is going to want to marry a sleazy woman. If a man googles you and sees all that you do, he will think you're promiscuous"

Oh here we go again, "and the outfit you were wearing, I raised you better than that, it was sleeveless and the back was also low, I'm happy it reached your ankles but what are you doing? You know how many family members taunt us for your actions. Fine, you are living this glamourous life but do you not fear God? You know how sad it makes me that my only daughter will not be with me in Heaven?"

My blood was boiling, even though these were all things I had heard my whole life she still gets on all my last nerves, "And I see you're not dieting anymore, your hips and thighs are looking quite large in recent pictures. Need to work on that Maria. You don't want to get overweight again do you, sweetheart?" She uses her usual chirpy sing song tone. I just close my eyes trying to cool myself not wanting to make a scene in the back of an Uber.

"Okay enough" I hear my dad say to her.

"What enough? someone needs to look after her, she's become so careless and reckless, my daughter is not a slut, I am her mother I need to teach her wrong from right, she is on the wrong path" Mom snaps at him.

"You're listening right Maria, I'm only looking out for you. I just want my daughter to be a good person. Stop with these slutty actions and your friends Jay and Allan are fine just no other boys. Please have some shame." She says, "girls nowadays no self-respect" she mumbles to herself.

Luckily, we were only 5 minutes away from Linda's clinic so I took the opportunity to end the call, "Listen I'm on my way to a meeting so I will have talk to you later" If only they know I need to go to therapy for all the things they do and have done to fuck me up.

"Of course sweetheart, take care and think about what I said" She puts on her best caring concerned mother tone.

"yes mama" I groan.

"And let's get back to the gym and start dieting again?" She says casually, it's like she tries to provoke me any way she can.

"Can you give the phone to baba?" I say ignoring her comments.

"I'll talk to you later baba, take care," I say.

"Take care, goodbye Maria," my dad says and I hang up the phone. I don't know what I did to end up with such amazing parents.

....

I take a seat on the couch crossing my legs and lean back, "I forget how much I love your office"

"You wouldn't forget if you were slightly more regular" Linda's warm smile flashes at me.

"I promise, I'm going to be regular again from now on. You'll be seeing me once a week to the point where you'll be sick of me" I smile as does Linda.

"Fill me in on what has happened in the last month," Linda asks opening her journal.

"Well let's see, so Karter came to see me for my birthday which was really sweet. I think I really like him which is kind of new for me, he's nothing like the guys I've dated in my past which is a good thing I guess but also scares me because I don't know what to expect from him you know?" Linda nods writing something in her journal, "Oh and he told me he's a dad which was a bit of a shocker. I mean it didn't scare me or anything but I was a bit shocked he kept it from me for so long but I'm fine. Karter hasn't really done anything wrong or bad yet so I feel like we don't need to get in too much detail about him yet" I joke and Linda chuckles dryly.

"So did you stick to not having too many expectations from your birthday? And it turned out alright?" Linda tilts her head and stares at me.

"Well yes, I love my friends and my fans and I felt so much love from so many people and Karter but like I felt a bit gloomy through most of the day." I shrug.

"How come?" She was staring at me with half-lidded eyes.

"Well my parents forgot my birthday" I chuckle, "Which I guess isn't a big deal but the fact that my mom was all over Facebook posting for my brother and she conveniently forgot that she had two children born on that day."

"And your dad?" Linda puts her hand under her chin.

"Yeah he probably didn't remember, he never remembers birthdays so I never expect anything from him, I know he loves me but" I shrug.

"But your mom forgetting yours bothered you?"

"Of course it did, how can my bloody birth givers just forget about the day I was born" I pause my vision starting to get blurry, "Not to mention she texted me the next day and tried to play it out that oh we didn't want to bother you we thought you were busy, instead of just taking accountability for once and saying we forgot we're sorry" I roll my eyes, feeling a wave of anger rush through me.

"I guess they just care about the child who they are proud of and love instead of the disgraceful problem child of theirs. I should be used to their favoritism by now, I am but it still sucks you know?" I say and Linda nods.

"I actually just got off the phone with them on the way here" I add.

"How was that?" Linda asks flatly.

I sigh, "I mean same as always really. Baba being cold and emotionless and Mama just criticizing everything I do. Today was an extra special occasion though" I shake my head and smile, "she slut-shamed me, body-shamed me, and told me what a terrible person I am in the eyes of God all in one conversation which was really fun" I laugh.

"What did you say to her?"

"Nothing" I shrug, "There's no point fighting or arguing with her all she does is gaslight me, she's done it my whole life so now I just try to zone her out the best I can," I say.

"But her words and actions still hurt you so don't you think addressing them would give you some sort of closure and feel better?" Linda stares at me intently.

"No, she doesn't listen. I am always the villain in her eyes and her the victim. She needs to go to therapy and realize how she's been a bad mom and person in general but until then I've noticed lashing out with her just leads to her absolutely invalidating my experiences and feelings which hurts even more than just ignoring her so" I shrug nonchalantly.

"And not speaking to her is not an option?"

I shake my head, "it's not Linda, she makes me miserable but she's still my mother. I can't cut her off, I still love her I don't know why but she will always be a part of me. I just distance myself at times but I hope one day her words stop bothering me or she just stops criticizing me and she can just be my mom" a tear rolls down my cheek, I hurriedly wipe it away, "all I want is her love and approval, I know I'm not working towards some healthy way to get it but I'm doing what I think is best considering the situation. Can we move to something else?" I sniffle.

"How's work? After you back in the studio or in auditions?" Linda asks and suddenly I stiffen up.

"Yeah I've been in the studio a lot lately, I had an audition last week," I say.

"How was it?" Linda asks.

"Umm," I laugh, "Not good?" I shrug.

"Would you care to elaborate?" Linda asks tilting her head.

I sigh, "Well it was for a Harrison Reynolds movie and I was so excited, I loved the script and I've looked up to him forever but..." I trail off and Linda stares at me not saying anything just wanting me to continue.

"He groped me and told me the role is mine if I sleep with him," I say swallowing a lump that was forming in my throat.

Linda's forheard puckers," I'm so sorry Maria, are you alright?" Linda asks moving forward resting her elbows on her knees.

I shrug, "It's whatever. I'm fine, I was a mess for the next two days but now I'm just eh" I say.

"It bought up the whole situation with Bryan again which sucked, I hadn't thought of him in ages, and just whatever" I shrug not wanting to go into too much detail.

"Have you thought about taking your experience to the public?" Linda asks.

"I just don't know if I'm brave enough to deal with the name-calling and people not believing me and all the constant questions not to mention how my family will turn it around and make it out to be my fault" I sigh, "Maybe one day? I don't know, I don't want beef with anyone"

"Maria this isn't petty celebrity feud, the men harassed you and violated you and told you to exchange sex for work. That's not okay and insanely traumatizing, don't you want a man like that to be put up somewhere where they can't harm other people?"

I gulp, "I do but I just don't know if I'm ready for the fallout" another tear rolls down my cheek.

"I understand, it's your story, you have every right to decide whether you want to tell it or not" Linda flashes me a tight lipped smile and I nod.

Am I doing the wrong thing by living in fear? I know I should seek justice but I don't think I'm brave enough to face everything, the legal aspect of it all, the media, the public?