Chapter 4

It difficult to go to sleep, I have trying to take the bed and slow my mind. Between yesterday, 18 August and this is will be dawn of 19th. Many dimensionality of Revati, reminds me with my ex-girlfriend that will celebrate her party of her and her husband tomorrow. I know her and me cannot loving like an erotically moment, even if our relationship is so spent long times since Elementary School at Fransiskus, backside of Catholic-Mosque in Bukittinggi City. Even I and my ex-girlfriend being married, that's not able. My family and her family it's same like Partai Solidaritas Indonesia and Partai Sosialis Indonesia.

She's tribe is Guci, same with me as Guci's tribe member. It cannot match. She's not Kaoru, but Nadia Kennedy. My love story from Elementary School, not only because Kaoru is my ex-girlfriend after Nadia Kennedy, because of Kaoru also same with me in school backside Catholic-Mosque since from Kuntum Mekar Kindergarten before we go to Fransiskus Elementary School until Xaverius Middle School when I grade 1, one years before I go to non-formal school at Padang City, Sekolah Alam Minangkabau, that's look like Greenschool Bali.

I still difficult try to sleep.

@

My work if I try to translate English to Indonesian language, is more difficult and hardest-working like haleluja in hell or underworld when Hades said, "God bless you," or "Thank you for smoking!" like Christopher Buckley's novel that copied in international bookshop including in Indonesia's bookshop Gramedia Pustaka Utama after theirs translation-works.

 Then it reminds me when I have to stay at asylum, being a researcher with clandestine-form as a patient of them. In my country, asylum is Rumah Sakit Jiwa if hospital is rumah sakit. Because hospital is pleasure or honor from medical works—and I actually a homeschooling medical student that my mother is my teacher of this—but rumah sakit it's rumah (house/building) and sakit is sickness or illness (painfully). And Rumah Sakit Jiwa is building of soul-illness, not mental-illness. So, the Islamic-public figure said that mental-illness is come from evil-spirit or genie. Then the Islamic-public figure trying to heal the patient with Koran verses, but it's not impossible if they use the magic and not pure Koran verse. I have get some moment with this, then I still cannot use theirs healing procedure, because I still in schizophrenic-world even if they use theirs methods. It's doesn't works even if I accept. Last time, a man named Rovi, newbie in Islam-studies-autodidact or might be non-formal study of Islam say to me, "Do you agree if I heal you?"

 "No," I said, because I know he just only wanted to reputation from gossip after he do that to me. Then I said that I have ever in his Islamic-organization before him, "I have ever there in 2015,"

 That's make his surprised, and 99% silly.

 Rumah Sakit Jiwa usually called RSJ, and I call the institution with other-perspective, "That's not Rumah Sakit Jiwa! RSJ is Rumah Sakit Jenius!" Yeah, RSJ is Rumah Sakit Jenius or 'Hospital for Genius Patient'.

 Checkmate! Incredible opinion from me!

@

This is second times that I try to go bed and sleep to dream. I remember much of darkness on my sleep and many beautiful imaginary when I slept, once upon a time in Indonesia. I hope after this book went to publish, I will go abroad, end with happy ending, married with white-lady or oriental-girl. Okay, it will be sure my heart is get illness when my mom said, "I want go to Padang, there are my friend party for theirs children married,"

 "I know whom," respond me.

 "Yeah, well, may you join us? I will go there with your brother."

 "Surely, I have ever said that to you, right?"

 My mother's face look like weird, or may be, afraid of this.

 "Don't you remember that I said?" ask me.

 "Yes."

 Actually I don't have any information from science-methods to know who is will get married. But with my clairvoyance-ability, I just know. Even I don't know how I knew. I don't know to explain of how I know. But in a couple of months ago, my mom said Nadia Kennedy will marry with stranger man, so I cannot do anything. Even if in first 2023, Nadia's Mom said that Nadia Kennedy haven't gone from my life to my mother, when I'm not up there and my mother hold me to not visit them. Just only because that forbidden love between me and Nadia Kennedy, I must to feels glad and happy. I push it so strong. Because when your loved feeling happiness, that's fact of the your feeling. Human is not commodity, and everyone have to learn private-autonomy.

 One of one, one by one, many my loved go leaving my life.

@

I open my Facebook then I search my ex-girlfriend mom's account. I find Nadia Kennedy picture from the past, may be around of 2010. I was 12 at that's time, in Xaverius Middle School just for 1 year, before go to Sekolah Alam Minangkabau for 5 years. Before go to my adventure in Java Island, being a Islamic-student at boarding school at West Java. Learn about farming, being a seed saver. Go to Depok and read a few books written by Max Weber. Go to Kulonprogo at Yogyakarta and learn about theater and drama. Go to Bantul near of Kulonprogo, and watch theater Gandrik about madness story. Then someone send me to work at NGO of journalist at Padang.

 I confuse why I so love Nadia Kennedy in the past. I don't have any reason to love her right now. I curious of I love her in my childhood. She's not my type. Or is it my type—her personality, not face but her soul—in my kiddy memories? Even I still love Gadis Embun Pagi, the mysterious girl that I met in public transportation, but other side about Nadia Kennedy. The same feelings it also similar with Deka Andriani, I don't love both of them anymore.

 But my hate-feeling is not being this with Anra with my long memories. I've dreaming since I was 4. I want to marry with a girl in the same class with me at playgroup. So my father asked me to work. I don't ask why have to work, and I doing that's after going to school. I work with many job, from make a magazine and comics, trading in my grandmother's house without knowing about income. Then I forgot with Anra, and when I growing adult, I look many of my friends that have money get married. And now I don't know where is Anra. My soul-bleeding when my mind reminds with Anra, full of sadness, and nobody girl accept me as her husband, near of Covid-19 coming. There are tale about Prophet Muhammad, "If come a young-man that you like his attitude, don't deny him to ask your daughter to marry with him, because if you denial, this earth will be broken." So this is why Covid-19 reason.

@

I have ever afraid if God choose me as an Anti-Christ or Al-Masih Ad-Dajjal someday. So, one of middle night I pray to the God in tahajud, an Islamic-praying without denial to make me to be Imam Mahdi. That's happen long time before I make a revolution with Al-Kahfi verse from Koran in Facebook. So, that's make me without nonsense about Kian Santang that I look as kid-serial to educate Indonesian children from it, I go to so loving original soundtrack of Kian Santang the titled "Sang Prabu" and "Kembalinya Raden Kian Santang" and "Perjalanan Raden Kian Santang".

 Then I afraid if I become to be kind like my father, who is antagonist in this story. My father is very-very evil-person, even he have a dark-magic-book and other spell to summon any demons. My father was holding me from successful in my carrier by a college student in Toronto, Canada. He wasn't me to go to successful even if I was his son. So I search in internet: is it possible if a father envy to his son? And internets answer: yes. Then I found a book by Fyodor Dostoyevski with title Notes from Underground by Indonesian version, the evil-man look-like my father.

 So, I want to know of the reason why my father, Drs. Khalid Efendi M.Pd with so proud and pride with his title-name, so slab with evil-strong and extreme madness of this. I just arrive in when the narrator that I imagine by my father's mentality, why he so slab in wicked in his character? Even my father usually said, "You same with your mother!" Yes, that's relevant. That's so true because my character is look like my mother, if my father was haven't go abroad, so I follow my mother story with her journey around this earth. Even if I afraid and usually the narrator it able to chance the reader minds, I have to read. I must to.

 My name's Emil, like mother like son!

@

And my mother tells me that she's have ever steal too when her young.