967. Chapter 967

After The Squab and the Quail

Episode 5.21

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: I own neither birds nor Castle. Rating: K Time: See above.

Meredith stood and nodded to the men. "You're absolutely right. In addition, I was a terrible wife to the finest husband of all time, and a terrible mother to my daughter Alexis. Luckily, Rick and Alexis now have Kate Beckett as the most perfect wife and mother of all time. I will never bother them again. And I've decided to change my career. Listen to me say, "Would you like fries with that?"

The men nodded. "Close." Said Lucas. "I almost wanted fries."

"She doesn't have a New York accent, though." Scorsese opined.

"Can't you shoot someone while saying that?" Tarantino asked.

"Too two dimensional." Commented Friz Freleng.

"I could make it into a franchise, I bet." Spielberg said.

Kate started to laugh. "Castle, this is absurd. I don't need to…."

"Know that you're the most amazing, fascinating, enjoyable, sexy, and most remarkable woman I've ever met?" He interrupted. "Because you are, and every woman I have ever met pales in comparison to you."

"Flattery will get you everywhere with me, Castle." She took his hand. "Is there something to this adventure in a more sword and sorcery-ish way?"

"Not immediately." Castle said, squirming just a bit. "Turn around."

When she turned she saw a group of women sitting in chairs, facing each other. One of them was easily recognizable. The woman stood and spoke. "My name is Jacinda and I'm….I'm incapable of satisfying a man sexually." The blonde began to cry.

"We've all been there, honey." Cried an older brunette.

"But luckily the man I most wanted to satisfy, Richard Castle, was able to find the perfect woman. Not just sexually, but intellectually, emotionally…."

"Castle!" Kate snapped. "This is unnecessary. I love you. You love me. You are my one and done. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. Understand. Now can we get to the adventure?"

"Just one more stop, Kate."

Kate rolled her eyes. "It had better be just one more."

Rounding a tree, they came upon Gina sitting behind an old fashioned manual typewriter. As she slowly typed, both Alexis and Martha yelled at her.

"Writing best selling fiction isn't as easy as you thought it was, is it? How does it feel to be harassed like you harassed my dad?"

"Gina!" Cried Martha. "I before E except after C, and let's not be ending sentences with prepositions."

Alexis ripped the sheet of paper from the typewriter and read it. "My God! This reads like a Nikki Heat porno fanfic written by some hormonal teenage boy. "Niki Heet's bootylicious ass juggled giggled jiggled and her grate 44 double d cup boobs bounced under her braless wet tee shirt…"Alexis threw the page away. "I can't read anymore."

Gina nodded. "I've been terrible to Castle. It all started when I agreed to go with him to the Hamptons that summer, even though I knew that he would have been much happier with Kate. She's the most perfect woman ever. Every day I ask myself, "What Would Kate Beckett Do?" when I have a problem."

Kate whirled around and glared at her husband. " Nikki Heat pornographic fan fiction? Are you kidding me? There had better not be…" She saw the look in his eyes. "There is! Can't you sue them or something? Castle! How could you let this happen?"

"Kate, it's hard to sue fanfic writers. To begin with they refer to it as a parody, which is protected speech. And to sue someone you have to show a loss. Where's the loss when someone writes a Nikki Heat fanfic? It's not like anyone would pay for that stuff. Even that one, crazy old guy who's written almost a thousand chapters isn't making a dime from it."

"We need to get on with the adventure. Now." Kate said coldly, walking away from Castle.

He quickly caught up with her. "Don't worry. The King's castle is just ahead. You, me, Rick the ruggedly magical wizard and Katie the thief are going to have fun."

They entered the castle, walking by a pair of chain mail clad guards who bore a suspicious resemblance to Ryan and Esposito. A pair of maids that definitely were Karpowski and Hastings bowed as they passed.

"The King has a mission for us. A good one."

But when they got to the throne room, it was not the King who greeted them. "Hello, Rick. Surprised to see me?"

"Erika Vaughn?' How the hell did you get here?" Rick reached for his sword, but instead of a yard of steel, he pulled out a bouquet of flowers. The flowers flew from his hand to Erika. She inhaled the scent.

"You know I always get what I want, Rick. And while having you virtually isn't as much fun as in real life, it'll have to do until I can take care of my current little problems and have you all to myself." She smiled at Kate. "Without the interruptions of your current wife."

"That's not going to happen." Castle said. But even as he spoke, his clothes came off and he flew across the room. The throne had suddenly become a huge bed and Erika was now naked. She spread her legs as Castle's face landed right between them.

Erika laughed. "I understand that knowing something bad is happening to a loved one, but not knowing exactly what, is the worst torture of all. I think I'll find out. Boys, take her into the next room and, as they say, have your way with her." Erika laughed as four huge, ugly ogres dragged Kate away.

"Castle the wizard! Katie the thief! Do something!" She screamed, but the two virtual reality constructs just stood there, staring blankly.

Once in the next room, the ogres stood on each side of Kate but did nothing.

"Say, could you scream or something? Otherwise the crazy lady out there might get suspicious."

Kate looked down at the kitten. "You can still talk?"

"Duh." The kitten's face was replaced by a small human face. "Remember me? Melinda Cummings, the engineer? From Sinthesis? Todd has been really pissed since that bitch interfered with his VR programs. He's offered massive stock options to anyone in the company who could track her down. I figured she'd have to try to get into Rick's new program. So, here I am. Now could you scream while I work?"

"You think this is rough?" Kate screamed. "Wait until I get you four in Interrogation! Then you'll know what terror really is."

The kitten hopped down and started scratching at a stone wall. The stone turned into a collection of ones and zeros. The kitten turned around. "By the way, don't worry about Castle. He's now inside Katie the thief. Erika is making love to an illusion." The kitten started moving the flow of numbers around with her paws. Soon she stopped. "Guess what? The bitch is hiding right here in Manhattan, and I have the address. She's getting sloppy. Too easy to just steal things and not invent them yourself, I guess. Shall we go?"

"Won't Erika notice when we leave?"

The kitten shook her head. "We'll just wake up in the VR room. You two will. I'm in my office at the end of the hall. Erika will think everyone is still here, but it's just virtual reality."

An hour later, armed with a search warrant, Beckett, Castle, Ryan, Esposito and a dozen uniforms walked into a room in a very discrete hotel in Manhattan.

A man sitting at a desk, shot to his feet. "You can't come in here. I'm an attorney. I demand you leave at once."

"Sorry, pal. We have a search warrant and an arrest warrant for Erika Vaughn." Espo grinned. "From the moaning in the bedroom, I think we know just where to find her. Captain Beckett, would you care to do the honors?"

"Oh, would I."

Kate dragged a naked and screaming Erika Vaughn from the bedroom, read her her rights, cuffed her, and borrowed a blanket to cover her. When they got to the lobby, they found that the media was out in force, including an employee of Sinthesis who was enjoying things immensely. Somehow, the CEO of Sinthesis, who was also there, managed to step on Erika's blanket, and proved to the media that she did indeed have the body of a porn star.

Later that night, Rick was already in bed when Kate came out of the bathroom. When he saw her, his jaw dropped. "Oh, my god!"

Kate's hair, normally in a sloppy pony tail when she slept was a mass of chestnut curls and her smile was definitely devilish. She wore a see through black silk shorty night gown and nothing else.

"What's the occasion?" Castle managed to gasp.

"I read some of the Nikki Heat porn while they were processing Vaughn. It is awful. I thought we might want to see if we could do better. Just for ourselves. But first…" She dropped the night gown "….We need to do research."

Author's note: I've got over 18000 words done on After Captain Kate and the Sorceress and just short of six thousand on Match, Set and Game. Also, I have the start of another After…story in mind. Did you ever wonder how Kate Holmes, the world's first female consulting detective got together with her husband, Dr. Rick Watson ? You haven't? Well, I have. If I can think of a middle and an end, you'll find out.