930. Chapter 930

After Fidelis Ad Mortem

Episode 8.15

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: Whatever I don't own Castle is in Latin. Rating: K Time: See Above

Academy Heat

By

Richard Castle

Captain Nikki Heat looked at the police recruits lined up for her inspection. Sergeant Wolfgang Amadeus Barnswallow introduced her to the class.

"Maggots, this is the famous Captain Nikki Heat, whose name is on every single one of the trophies in the lobby. Even the one for most sperm donations. I don't know how she did that, but she'd damned good. I predict that none of you will ever measure up to her standards. That is all."

The sergeant turned to Nikki and saluted. "This is special class, Captain. These are police recruits from all over the world, sent to the NYPD Academy because we're the best in the world."

"Thank you, Sergeant, and it's good to see that you've mellowed since I was at the Academy."

Sergeant Barnswallow began crying. "They took away my cat of nine tails and my branding irons. How am I supposed to keep these cadets in line?"

"Things change, sergeant. So, maybe you could try not being so hard on them? I'm sure someone will beat my records someday."

"Never, Captain Heat. Never."

Nikki checked her watch. "We've scheduled them for the firing range. Let's see how they do with the paint guns."

Once at the range, Barnswallow identified the foreign cadets as they got ready. "The first one up is Cadet Ivan Demmingski, ma'am. He's from Russia."

Demmingsky entered the range and shot at every single target, shooting not only people with guns, but women, children, a small cardboard kitten and his instructor, who came out covered in yellow paint.

"That's terrible, Demmingski!" Nikki yelled.

The cadet looked at her. "I missed one?" He looked around at the targets.

"No, you're only supposed to shoot the dangerous people."

"Everyone is dangerous. Is the Russian way. Oh, and the eastern half of your police academy is now part of Russia." Demingski walked off happily.

"The next one up is Cadet Shinjo Soren-san. He's from Japan."

Soren-san walked into the range, holstered his pistol at once and drew a Samurai sword. At least Soren-san didn't kill all of the civilians, although he did behead one cardboard target that featured a gunman and his pregnant hostage. He also cut the cardboard cat in two. Then he bowed to Nikki.

"Soren-san, you beheaded a hostage as well as the hostage taker. And you cut the kitten in half. Why?"

Soren-san bowed again. "It was the woman's honor to give her life for the Emperor. And she was only a female. The cat had dishonored itself on the floor and had to atone for its error."

"Next up?" Nikki said. "And please tell me it gets better."

"Next up is Cadet Abdul bin Hunt, from the Royal Saudi Arabian Police."

Bin Hunt walked into the range, tore off his sweatshirt, screamed "Allahu akbar!" and detonated his vest. The entire range was covered in yellow paint.

Bin Hunt pulled out his prayer rug, faced Mecca and began to pray.

"He does that five times a day, Captain." Sergeant Barnswallow said.

"Blows himself up?" Nikki asked, horrified.

"No, he prays. It can get a bit hairy if he's driving on the high speed pursuit course."

Nikki quietly shuddered. "Who's next?"

Sergeant Barnswallow checked his clipboard. "Cadet Otto von Davidson. He's from the Berlin, Germany, police."

Von Davidson entered the range, shot one perp and then pulled a mass of paperwork from under his sweatshirt and began writing.

"What the hell are you doing, von Davidson?" Nikki yelled. "You have seventeen more targets."

Von Davidson slammed to attention. "Frau Hauptmann, ve haff procedures und paperwork to do. All must be in order! Organized with Teutonic efficiency!" He resumed writing.

An hour and seventeen minutes later, von Davidson finished the course.

Nikki sighed. "Okay, who's next?"

"It's Cadet Daniel Valentine from the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. He's usually been far too polite to shoot anyone, but we've been working on him. He might just shoot."

Valentine walked out onto the range. "Excuse me, but do you really shoot people just because they're threatening a mother, her two children and a cute little puppy with an AK 47? Could we not just reason with them?"

"They're cardboard targets." Nikki screamed.

"Still, that's no reason….."

Kate Beckett laughed as she looked over her husband's shoulder. "Castle! You're still jealous of my old boyfriends? Even Danny Valentine? He was never my boyfriend, he just flirted with me when we investigated the murder at Saturday Night, Tonight.

"And you flirted back." Castle grumped. "And I'm slowly wearing your dad down so he'll tell me the name of your boyfriends in high school. You know, the grunge band guy and the French nobleman."

Kate just shook her head. "Okay, move. This needs a re-write."

Academy Heat

By

Katherine Castle

Captain Nikki Heat stood by as her old Academy instructor Sergeant Meredith Bimbo told her about the new class of recruits.

"Good to see you again, Ma'am. Let me just read the names of the cadets to you." Meredith peered at the paper on her clipboard. Nikki turned it right side up.

"Still haven't learned to read?"

Sergeant Bimbo shook her head. "Never needed to Ma'am. I depend on my cop's gut, not a bunch of silly writing."

Nikki looked at Meredith's gut, which hung down below her knees and bounced against her pendulous boobs. "You certainly have the gut for it."

Meredith smiled, showing her one tooth. "First up is Cadet Kyra Blame. She's lived across the Pond, as they say. She'll be first on the firing range."

The door opened and Cadet Blame went in, and instead of pulling her sidearm, she began playing the bagpipes. Loudly and badly. In fact, she was so bad, the cardboard targets actually ran away.

"Those damned gutless bleeding heart liberals at One PP keep telling us that those things are banned by the Geneva Convention or some such nonsense, but I love the sound of bagpipes in the morning." Meredith said.

"Does it remind you of anything?" Nikki asked.

"Sex."

"Sex?" Nikki was curious.

"The sex toy I use makes…."

"Too much information." Nikki said quickly. "Who's next?"

"Cadet Jacinda. She just has one name like Madonna or Pele."

Cadet Jacinda roared out onto the range in a red Ferrari, steering with her very firm fake boobs and firing with both hands. After shooting and running over every target, she smashed through the wall and disappeared from sight.

"She has great enthusiasm, Ma'am." Sergeant Bimbo explained.

"I'm sure she does." Nikki said, wondering how to get out of the Academy and back to her husband. "Who's next?" She said, dreading the answer.

"Cadet Gina Cow One."

Cadet Cow One stepped out into the range, and stared at the criminal targets. Nikki could feel the temperature dropping and then saw the targets, reduced to near absolute zero temperature, crumble to bits and pieces.

"It looks like the concrete is starting to…." Nikki began as Sergeant Bimbo pulled her away to the emergency exit.

"Sorry, Ma'am." Bimbo said as they watched the building collapse. "We haven't quite worked out a few bugs."

Rick put his hand on top of Kate's. "You know, we did marry each other. I'm pretty much your one and done and you're my third time's the charm. Maybe we should write something about how happy Rook and Nikki are now that they have each other."

An hour later they looked at the finished product.

"Rick, Black Pawn will never publish this. It's basically just porn."

"Very imaginative and inventive porn." Rick said, nodding.

"I like the part where Nikki hangs upside down over the bed. Could we get one of those bars?"

"If you'll agree to the five hundred gallon tub of chocolate."

"Let's do some planning." They said together.