831. Chapter 831

After Kill Shot

Episode 4.09

By

UCSbdad

Disclaimer: I feel like I have a target on my back that says, "I don't own Castle." Rating: K Time: See above.

"Castle. Thank you."

"For what?"

"For not pushing and giving me the space to get through this."

"Always. That's what partners and friends are for, I suppose. Although I would have thought differently." Castle smiles at her, although Beckett is stunned at what he's said. "Tomorrow." He turns and leaves.

She watches him leave, and then notices Esposito is by her desk.

"Something wrong?" He asks.

"Why would there be something wrong?" She snaps back.

Espo shrugs. "Okay, I guess you always have that stunned mullet look on your face when Castle leaves. I probably just never noticed it before."

She gives him a mild glare, which doesn't seem to affect him. "Okay. I thanked him for giving me the time to get through my problem. He said that's what partners and friends do. Then he added that he would have thought differently. He acted like we weren't partners or friends."

"Castle asked me to talk to you about your problem. He knew you'd never listen to him."

"Why?"

Espo looked at her for several long seconds. "Are you sure you want to have this conversation?"

Beckett took a deep breath. "Sure. Tell me."

"Castle cares about you, a lot. You must know that by now."

She nodded. "So, I care for him, too."

"When he sees you hurting, it hurts him, too. That's the way friends feel about one another."

"Look, Espo, you know that I'm not some touchy-feely, get in touch with your feelings, kind of person. That's just not the way I am."

"But it's the way Castle is. And it's certainly the way he is about you. So, he wants to help you because he can see that you're hurting, and when you push him away, he feels bad. I don't know. Maybe he feels it's his fault. That he's not being as good a partner or a friend as he should be. And when you thank him for not acting like he thinks your partner and friend should act, he feels worse. Like you don't appreciate what he's trying to do, what he's trying to be for you."

Kate closed her eyes and sighed. "Okay. I'll talk to Castle about it."

Espo smiled. "Will you?"

Kate Beckett sat in Dr. Burke's office, having just acknowledged to him that she wanted to be more than who and what she was.

"Kate, you want to change so that you can have a relationship with Mr. Castle. Am I correct?"

She nodded. "Yes." She said quietly.

"You want a normal, romantic relationship such as many people have?"

"Yes. I do want to be with Castle, but I can't just stop caring about my mother's case."

"Has Mr. Castle ever asked you to stop?"

"No. He'd never do that. He knows how important it is to me."

"And from what you've said, it's important to him, too. He's put himself in danger several times helping you with the case."

She nodded again. "I don't want Castle to get hurt because of me and my mom's case. But I know I do things that hurt him. I want to stop, but it just keeps happening. I worry about what could happen to Castle, but…."

Dr. Burke waited for Kaye to finish, but she didn't. "Kate, we've learned a lot about PTSD over the years. One of the more common coping mechanisms is becoming a workaholic, an overachiever. We see people with PTSD symptoms who simply keep themselves so busy that they manage to bury their symptoms. But then they retire and they have nothing to occupy their minds, or they become disabled and can't work, and the symptoms they've held at bay for years come back. Do you think it's possible that you're subconsciously afraid that having a romantic relationship with Mr. Castle could force you to slow down? That perhaps you'll find yourself on a beach in Cancun with nothing to keep you busy and your symptoms will surface?"

She shook her head. "I was this way long before I was shot."

"But what we're you like before your mother died? Think about it."

Kate stopped and thought about her life as a teenager and as a college student at Stanford. She had teased Castle about her wild child days, but they hadn't been nearly as wild as she'd made out. She remembered nights with her girlfriends, parties, and, well, just fun. "Okay, but that happens when you grow up and become an adult. You take on responsibilities, you can't make your whole life about having fun. Even Castle couldn't do that."

"I think your PTSD started when your mom died, Kate. I think you've kept the symptoms at bay by working at something that helps give you some closure on your mom's death. But when you got shot, that opened everything up. I'd like you to go home and try to think of what you want with Mr. Castle and most importantly, what you'll give up if you have a romantic relationship with him. A true romantic partnership, especially if you two marry, is a lifelong series of compromises. Will you do that for me?"

Richard Castle sat at his computer, looking at about the thousandth webpage covering PTSD. He ran down the list of symptoms, then to causes of PTSD, treatments, historical coverage of PTSD from the Civil War's soldier's heart, then railroad spine, on to shell shock from the First World War, to WWII's operational fatigue to the current PTSD. None of it helped. How do I get a terminally stubborn detective to let me help her get the help she needs. There are times I just want to tell Kate that I love her and will do anything for her and there are times I'm scared shitless of doing that because of all the things that could go wrong. He looked at the clock in the corner of the computer screen. "I need some sleep."

Castle was surprised the next morning when he walked into the coffee shop to buy coffee for Beckett and him and found her sitting at a table with two cups in front of her. She waved him over.

"I thought I'd buy you coffee for a change."

Castle thanked her, but was wary of this sudden change in their routine.

"I said yesterday that your partner sounded like a handful. We both know just how much of a handful she is. She's probably more of a handful than you deserve to have dumped on you."

"Beckett, please don't think…"

"Let me finish, please? I'm in therapy and have been since the shooting. We're not just dealing with the shooting anymore. We're going over my life since my mom died and covering all of the things that have changed for me." She looked him in the eye. "It's going to be a long, hard slog, and parts of it won't be easy or pretty. But I really need my partner with me. I need my friend with me. I don't think I'll be able to come out the other side of this without him."

Castle smiled at her. "Always."