819. Chapter 819

After The Dead Pool

Episode 3.21

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: I did not juice to write this. Rating: K Time: See above.

Dear Mom,

It's me, Katie. I wonder sometimes why I write these letters to you. I don't really believe in any sort of afterlife, but I suppose I'm afraid that if there's any chance that there is an afterlife, that I can't afford not to write you. I guess that's Castle's influence on me. I suppose I can rationalize it by saying that this allows me to put my thoughts down on paper and look at them, rather than just having them run around inside my head.

Oddly enough, that's kind of my problem right now. I have two contradictory ideas, perhaps two contradictory futures ahead of me and I have no idea which one is correct. Or even if either of them is correct.

I'm still dating Josh. I told you about him. He's a great guy, if you're a sick, starving, or wounded Congolese or Haitian. Not so good for boyfriend material. He's never around. He's either with Doctors Without Borders or doing charity work at one of the local hospitals. But most of the time when we get together, it's all we can do to have dinner together and then nod off on the couch. Of course, I have no basis to complain. I work just as long hours as he does. But, it's pretty apparent our relationship is going nowhere. Our careers are obviously too important to give up.

Which brings me to Castle. He had a writer friend of his, Alex Conrad stop by the precinct to get an idea of how we worked. I admit I was a bit perturbed when Castle invited him without clearing it with me first, but Alex is a nice guy and obviously thought the world of Castle. I guess Castle is sort of his mentor. Anyway, I thought this might be a good idea to try to get a look into how Castle's mind works and how he feels about me through Alex. Okay, I've said it. Castle is a good guy and there are times when I can really see a future with him. And sometimes when I can't see one at all.

So I spent several evenings with Alex and we had a good time. He never hit on me and very much seemed to consider me to be Castle's girl, or at least his muse. I'm afraid I was a bit naughty. No, not that naughty. After our first get together, Alex sent me a basket of muffins. Castle picked one up and as soon as he found it was from Alex, he tossed the muffin away. I was pretty sure Castle's imaginative writers' mind was conjuring up all sorts of erotic fantasies about me and Alex. So, I leaned forward and pushed my boobs out, as if saying to Castle, "See what you can't have but someone else can?" Castle was upset and I felt bad, but I could hardly tell him I was trying to see if he was jealous.

I know Castle was jealous of the other men in my life. When I was dating Tom, Castle was jealous. I thought at the time that he was just unhappy that he wasn't my partner for a few cases, since he was following me for research. I think now that even then, he had feelings for me and was jealous of Tom being with me.

He's certainly jealous of Josh. He almost never calls him by his name, but always refers to him as Doctor Motorcycle Boy. Castle can't possibly be jealous that I'm taking time away from his research to be with Josh. And I know it's not about research now. He's here for me. And I'm more and more sure that he wants more than a quick roll in the hay or another conquest. But he must have felt that way about his first two wives. Would I be any different if…Well, if we got together?

But, back to my story. Alex was supposed to go out with me to discuss police procedure, but Castle invited him to his mystery writer's poker game with Dennis Lehane and Michael Connelly. According to Alex they were kind of rough on him, so I asked Castle if he was jealous of Alex. He said he was! I've asked Castle before if he was jealous and he always denied it. In fact, he acted like he was insulted to think that he'd be jealous of me being with someone else. I told him I thought it was sweet that he was jealous and told him that I'm a one writer girl now. I guess I have been a one writer girl for some time, though.

Of course, I have to admit I've been jealous of the woman in Castle's life. Kyra, his first love. Jordan Shaw, but that was because Castle was so in awe of all of her cool FBI toys. Then there was that awful actress who slept with Castle to try to get the part of Nikki Heat. The worst was when he went off to the Hamptons with his ex-wife. I was miserable the whole summer.

But, Rick Castle, who previously lived his life on Page Six hasn't been with a woman since he broke up with his ex-wife. I think Castle wants me and no one else. I care for Castle. Sometimes I'm afraid of just how much I care for him. But it's like there are two Castles. There's the intuitive detective, the wonderful father and son, the generous partner that'll hand over a hundred thousand dollars with no hope of ever getting it back to help me out. Or will I get the immature Castle who babbles about aliens and zombies, whose arrogance is….unbelievable, and who's never managed a successful relationship with a woman?

Mom, I'm coming to a crossroads in my life and I have no idea what to do. The one thing that worries me more than anything is that if I allow myself to love Castle as I want to love him, he'd have to be first in my life. Then where does that put my quest to get justice for you? But I know what a great partner Castle is as a cop. Could it be that the only way I can get closure for us both is to truly become Castle's partner in all things and let him help me find your killer? I just don't know.

It's late and I think I know the questions I have to ask myself now. If only I could find the answers.

I love you and miss you,

Katie.

The cardboard box came crashing down from the top shelf of the closet and landed right on Castle's head. He cursed and went to put the papers that had fallen out back in the box and put it back up on the shelf. Then he saw he letter with Kate's handwriting on it. He picked up the letter and began to read.

"Babe, did you find….Hey, what are you doing?"

"Reading your most secret thoughts. They're really fascinating."

"Give those back." She demanded.

"Too late. I already read the best ones. You really were all that jealous of me and those women?"

"Yes. But you never said you were jealous of the men in my life until Alex Conrad. And he was hardly around long enough for you to have any reason to be jealous."

Rick put his arm around her and drew her close. "Ah, Mrs. Castle. Let me tell you just how jealous I have been of any man in your life. Relax, this will take a while."