8. Chapter 8

After To Love and Die in LA

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: I own everything! It's mine, all mine! Um, not really just checking to see if anyone pays attention to these disclaimers. Rating K. Time. On the plane ride back from LA.

Kate Beckett finished reading Mike Royce's letter, folded it back up and put it in her purse. She glanced over at Castle, sound asleep next to her.

Mike, I don't think you'll have to worry about an "if only" with me and Castle. At least I hope not.

I had a bit of an epiphany the other night. He sort of flirted with me, so I did what I always do when he gets too close. I ran. I stood there in my room for a few seconds, feeling very foolish, and then decided to go back into the living room and join him. Too late! He'd already gone to bed.

I walked back into my room and had a long talk with myself about how I feel about Castle. After about five minutes, I noticed something. I had been debating the pros and cons of sleeping with Castle and I hadn't given a thought to my official boyfriend, Josh. I had no problems cheating on Josh with Castle, not even after I'd remembered about Josh. I'll have to break it off with Josh as soon as he gets back to the US. I think he suspects there's something between Castle and me. I think he'll take it well.

It's amazing how many people have seen that Castle and I really are a couple and how I've refused to see it. Here's an odd thought. Have I really been Castle's girlfriend all this time and just didn't realize it? If so, I've had all the problems of being with Castle with none of the benefits. I think I'll like the benefits.

Mike, please don't think I'm just going to hop into bed with him as soon as we're back in New York. I'm still a one and done girl, Mike. I want forever. That hasn't changed. But I have hopes for my twice married playboy boyfriend. There's his family. We both know that there are fathers out there that look at their children as punching bags or worse. Castle is the exact opposite. He would do anything for his daughter and does. But he's still a parent to her, and a good one. He's raised a fine young woman. I can't help thinking that of he can maintain that good a relationship with Alexis for that long, there's a chance for us. Oh, you'd enjoy his mom, too. She's an actress and a bit over the top, but he obviously loves her and would do anything for her, too.

Oddly enough, meeting one of his ex-girlfriends helped, too. From what I know of his two ex-wives, I thought he went for superficial and shallow women. But Kyra was different, real. I didn't think he did real. It was obvious to me that even after twenty or so years, he still loved Kyra. But he was a gentleman when they met again at her wedding. Now that I think of it, I hope he didn't go after Kyra again because he had his eye on a certain damaged detective of our acquaintance. Here's hoping.

Then there's what he's put up with to be with me these last two years. He's gone through as much as any cop ever has, but he's a writer. I can't think of any reason he'd do all of that except to be with me. I know I'm at the point where I don't think I could keep doing my job without Castle.

I think we have a chance, Mike. I know I'll try my best as I want this very badly. You know I was only nineteen when my mom was murdered. I never had a really serious, serious boyfriend in college. I thought I had all the time in the world, but I didn't. I've nearly made the same mistake with Castle, so I know I can't waste any more time. I'm not sure how to do this, though. I did love you, Mike, I really did, but not in the same way I love Castle. I've never had a really adult relationship with a man. Ever since my mom died I built a wall around myself to keep me from ever loving anyone again whose death would hurt me like mom's death did. Castle has made quite a dent in that wall and between the two of us, we'll bring down that wall.

You're right about not putting the job before your heart. I've been doing that and I see that I was wrong. Castle told me once that the heart wants what the heart wants. I didn't think so at the time, but he's right. My heart wants Castle. I'm positive his heart wants me.

Beckett looked over at her sleeping partner. Castle, you have no idea.