670. Chapter 670

After Once Upon a Crime

Episode 4.17

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: Fee, fi, fo, fum, I don't own Castle. Rating: K Time: See above.

Long, long ago, in a galaxy far, far away….

Prince Ruggedly Handsome walked through the magical forest being careful to follow the yellow brick road. It had been a long day and he was both hungry and tired. He hoped that he'd find a place to spend the night, but it was growing dark and he had seen no sign of any place to stay in the forest.

But then he saw a flash of red ahead of him. "Cool! It must be Little Red Riding Hood, carrying a basket of goodies to Grandma's. I'm sure she'll share the goodies and I'll bet Grandma will have a place for me to sleep at night." He began to run after the slender figure ahead of him. "Hey, Red, wait up. It's me, Prince Ruggedly Handsome."

But when the woman turned around, he saw it wasn't Red Riding Hood. "Alexis?"

"Duh, Dad. Of course it's me. What are you doing out here in the scary woods?"

"I need a place to stay." The Prince snuck a look at the basket of goodies. "And a bite to eat wouldn't be out of place."

Alexis the Red shrugged. "Sure, I have some gluten free, organic, free range, fair trade cookies. They're made from kale."

The Prince had reached his hand out, but quickly drew it back. "Don't you have some pizza or cheeseburgers?"

Alexis made a gagging sound. "Gag me with a spoon, Dad. Are you trying to clog your own arteries? I have a nice bottle a papaya rind squeezings."

"No beer? Or Scotch?" He sounded very disappointed.

"Do you have any idea what that does to your liver? The great sorcerer 3.1416 taught me how to make healthy food so that you can live to be three hundred years old."

As always, the Prince felt queasy at the mention of 3.1416. "It'll just feel like three hundred years." The Prince grumped. "Maybe Granny will have something for me."

Alexis the Red shook her head, causing her long red locks to fly about. "Grams has taken her show on the road. She's rented her condo to a family of bears. They sublet it to some blonde."

Before the Prince could reply, an arrow thudded into the ground in front of him. Out of the woods stepped a tall, slender, but still curvy young woman, holding a bow and arrow on them. Her green clothing caused her to blend in with the forest surrounding her. In fact, she a plethora of outfits that would blend in with any sort of background from the Arctic to a desert.

"Kate Hood!" The Prince cried.

"You've entered my forest and you'll have to pay for the privilege. Answer me this: Do you know who killed my mother?"

"I heard it was random gang violence." The Prince said." A gang of trolls if I recall."

An arrow thumped into the round not an inch from the Prince's foot. "Although I could be wrong." He quickly added.

"I can check on the aethernet for you." Alexis the Red volunteered.

"Who are you?" Kate asked suspiciously.

"Alexis the Red, Sorceress. I just got my PhD in thaumaturgy from the Junior University. I'll look on my crystal ball."

"You went to the Farm, too?"

Alexis nodded.

Kate edged closer so that she could see. "You have the Fenestrations 10 operating system?"

Alexis nodded. "There are still some bugs in it….Wait….There's one now." Alexis drew her magic wand and chanted some Beatle lyrics in reverse and a large beetle dropped out of the crystal ball. "Okay, that should do it." Alexis frowned. "It says here that you need to ask the dragon."

"A dragon?" The Prince said, moving away from Kate. "Really? You'll need to get all of your merry men for this."

Kate shook her head. "I have Javi the Brown and Kevin the Green running phones and financials on a giant. It's going to be just me."

"Could I shadow you?" The Prince asked suddenly.

"Why?"

"Maybe I could write a scroll about our adventures."

"If Dad's going, then I'm going to." Alexis said.

"Can we get an address on the dragon?" Kate asked. "Maybe a DMV photo?"

Alexis went back to her crystal ball. "He lives at One Dragon Lane, Cave One, Dragon Condominiums. That's all I have on him."

And so the three adventures walked down the yellow brick road until they came to a fellow using a sharp instrument to carve on a tree.

"Stop that!" Alexis cried, hugging the tree. "How dare you!"

"But I'm a tree surgeon." The man explained. "I've dedicated my life to helping those less fortunate than myself, such as this tree which has Dutch elm disease."

"But that's not an elm." The Prince said. "I did research for my scroll, Death of a Palm Tree. It was on the Emerald City Times best seller list for six months."

"It's a Joshua tree." Alexis said coldly.

"Of course I'm a Joshua tree." The tree said. "I've been trying to tell this idiot that for an hour, while he tries to cure me of a disease I don't have." The tree kicked the tree surgeon in place that would keep him from having dates for a while. Then the tree walked to an odd two wheeled contraption and roared off.

"Does anyone know where I can find an ill elm?" The tree surgeon asked.

All three travelers shrugged and the surgeon left, disheartened.

After a while, they came to another traveler. This one was standing by the roadside, trying to start her broom. As soon as she saw the Prince, her face lit up in a smile. "Kitten! Just who I needed. Oh, and the little redheaded girl." She frowned in thought. "Alexandra? Alana? Abagail? April? Annette?"

"It's Alexis, Mother." She said unhappily.

"Kitten, as you can see, I need a new broom. I'm up for a part on Lawn Odor. I play a sexy good witch. Perhaps you could help me rehearse the love scenes?"

"Magical psychedelic brownies." The Prince said under his breath.

"I can repair this one, Mother." Alexis said. She waved her magic want and sang the whole soundtrack to Easy Rider backwards. Lo and behold, a brand new Italian sports broom appeared. She jumped on her broom and leaned over to kiss the Prince, but somehow Kate's elbow smashed into her face.

"I'm so sorry." Kate said insincerely. Meredith roared off.

No sooner had Meredith left than another witch appeared.

"What are you doing with that Prince?" She screamed.

"He's following me for a story, sir." Kate replied.

"No dilettante prince is going to operate in my forest."

"Your forest?" The Prince asked. "Just who are you?"

"I'm the Sheriff of Nottingham, that's who I am. And I'm telling you to leave, Prince."

Alexis made a strange motion with her hands. "This is not the prince you're looking for. This is the artist formerly known as Prince."

The sheriff smiled, seriously breaking her face and wandered off.

The Prince turned on Kate. "So how is it that you're so chummy with the law?"

Kate glared at the Prince. Finally, "All right. I'm a cop. I'm working undercover. But I'm after the man who killed my mother."

And so they set off again. They soon found themselves in a devastated land. All around were burnt buildings and abandoned farms. No people were seen.

"There." Cried Alexis. "The Dragon Condo."

The three brave adventurers approached the cave. "Kate, please don't go after the dragon. He'll kill you."

"What's it to you?"

"I love you. I fell in love with you the moment I saw you."

Kate smiled. "Me too. But I have to do this."

Kate squared her shoulders and strode into the cave to confront the dragon. They found him sitting behind a desk, writing something.

"Dragon! I'm Detective Kate Beckett. I need to ask you some questions."

The dragon looked down at the three humans. "Sure, what do you need?"

"Mr. Dragon my mother was…"

"My father is Mr. Dragon. Call me Roy. It means king in French."

"Um, Roy. " Kate went on. "You've neem doing a lot of damage around here, burning farms and…"

"Whoa! Whoa!" Cried Roy. "That was a couple of lifetimes ago. I'm a changed dragon. Do you have any idea what breathing fire does to your sinuses? And a steady diet of peasants? I was fat and out of shape and I was killing myself. But, now, I'm a vegetarian dragon, thanks to that great sorcerer, 3.1416."

At the mention of that sorcerer, the Prince leaned over and threw up. The dragon pretended not to notice and went on. "I write self help books for dragons now. See?" He held up the scroll he was writing: Not Breathing Fire for Dummies.

"So, can you tell me who killed my mother? Her name was Johanna Beckett and she was a worker of courtroom magic."

The dragon scratched his head. "Oh, yeah. I know the guy. Bracken the Sickly Green. A third rate wizard if I ever saw one."

Kate took a deep breath. "Do you know where he is now?"

The dragon shrugged. "My septic tank, I'd guess."

"Why would he live there?" The Prince asked.

"Duh!" The dragon said. "He was lunch, just before I turned vegetarian. Gave me a hell of a tummy ache."

The three adventurers walked out of the dragon's cave.

"I guess I got what I came for." Kate said.

"Me too." Alexis said happily. "I got some great recipes for vegan cookies."

"I found what I want too." The Prince said softly.

"What?" Kate asked.

"You. I just want you."

"You do?"

"Always."

And they lived happily ever after.