559. Chapter 559
After That '70s Show
Episode 6.20
By
UCSBdad
Disclaimer: Can you dig it? I don't own Castle. Rating: K+ Time: See above
Dirty Nikki
By
Richard Castle
Detective Nikki Heat walked into her favorite coffee shop and ordered her usual. "Grande skim latte, two pumps sugar free vanilla."
The barista, a redhead who had once been an actress of some sort nodded and began brewing the latte. "Can I ask you a question, Detective Heat?"
Nikki shrugged. "Go ahead. I won't guarantee that I'll answer, though."
"I hear that they call you "Dirty Nikki". Why?" The barista, while hetero up to now, had fallen in love with Nikki at first sight and hoped the answer to her question was sexual.
Nikki laughed. "Because I always get the dirty jobs." Nikki looked across the street at the bank and noticed something. "Like right now. Call 911. Tell them Detective Heat of the 20th Precinct says there's a 211 in progress at the bank across the street." Then "Dirty Nikki" walked out into the street, loosening her 44s.
Sure enough, two men carrying guns ran out of the bank carrying bags of cash. Nikki walked towards them as they pulled away from the curb. One of the men fired wildly at Nikki, which was all she needed to shoot back. She drew her matched pair of 44s and fired, destroying the car's engine and setting it on fire. The car careened onto the curb, smashing the window of a jewelry store, which brought a crowd of looters. The car then slammed into an ambulance ejecting poor Mrs. Mankewicz and her new born out the back in a gurney. They had a terrifying ride, but came to no harm, but for some reason Junior Mankewicz became obsessed with drag racing as a young man. A fire hydrant was smashed by the car just as the fire department was about to hook up to it, causing an art gallery and all of its paintings to go up in smoke. Finally the bank robber's car came none too gently to rest against a pet shop, letting several puppies escape. Nikki, who loved little puppies and little kitties decided to adopt them all as they were obviously strays.
Finally, one man staggered out of the car and collapsed at Nikki's feet.
Detective "Dirty Nikki" Heat smiled down at the man. "I know what you're thinking. "Did she fire twelve shots or only eleven?" Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being as these are .44 Magnums, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?"
The man looked into Nikki's cold eyes. "I got's to know. Are those things real?"
"The .44 Magnums?"
He shook his head. "No, the other 44s."
Nikki just laughed.
Happy with a job well done. Nikki went back to the 20th Precinct. As soon as she got there, she was called into the Captain's office.
"Yes, Captain? Are you done pushing paper and playing politics down at City Hall and need some real police work done?"
Captain "Bottom" Irons stared hard at Heat. If all the other policemen and politicians weren't madly in love with her, I'd tell her not to talk to me that way. But I've had a hard day of paper pushing and playing politics, so I'll let it slide this time. He thought. "Heat, the mayor wants you to take a reporter along with you for a day or two."
"What reporter?"
"Jameson Rook."
"Rook?" Nikki exclaimed. "No way. He'd just get in the way and besides, he's gutless. He tried to claim compensation from the city for PTSD when he said he was attacked by a groupie at a U2 concert who thought he was Jason Bateman."
"I've been in therapy, Detective Heat." Said a male voice from behind her. "I can handle things now."
Nikki turned around and looked at Jameson Rook. Frankly I'd prefer Jason Bateman. Actually, I'd prefer Jason Vorhees over Rook.She thought to herself.
"The mayor wants Rook to go with you. We need all the good publicity we can get what with the crazed sniper, Scorpion, on the loose."
"Has Scorpion struck again?" Nikki asked.
Captain Irons nodded. "He says he'll kill a white American male Pulitzer Prize winning journalist if the city doesn't pay him five million dollars, make Swedish the official language of New York City and remove the letter R from the English language."
"Can the city do that?" Nikki asked.
"We have several offers to set up emergency Swedish language courses. Oddly enough, all of the companies involved are owned by members of the city council. As fo the othe matte we can wo k that out. The mayo doesn't think the lette " " will be missed."
"I've always admired the mayor for his can do attitude." Rook said. "And he's a lousy poker player."
"What about the five million dollars?" Nikki asked.
Captain Irons shook his head. "The mayor says we don't quite have five million in the city's coffers."
"How much do we have?"
"Fourteen dollars and seven cents." The Captain smiled at Nikki. "We've decided that you should try to negotiate with Scorpion tonight."
"I'll do my best, sir."
"One thing, Heat, in case you don't come back?"
"You want the name of my next of kin, sir?"
"No. Are those things real and actually 44 DDs?"
Luckily, ME Lauren Parry was around and was able to set Captain Irons' nose.
As they walked out of the Precinct with all of New York City's spare cash, Nikki thought of something. "Rook, didn't you win a Pulitzer Prize?"
"Yes, I did. For my coverage of the daring rescue of a kitten by the fire department. Oddly, the Pulitzer Prize committee was overcome by smoke and the FDNY had to take them away. When we looked on their desks, there was winning name: Me."
"Were you listening to what Captain Irons was saying just now?"
"Did he say something?" Rook asked disinterestedly while checking his hair in a mirror.
Later that night Nikki and Rook went to phone booth where they got their first instructions as to where to meet Scorpion. That led them to a second, and a third phone booth and so on. Finally, they stood in a deserted warehouse in the South Bronx. A shadowy figure stood at the other end of the warehouse. "Put my five million down and leave." Said an electronically disguised voice.
"The City doesn't actually have five million dollars." Nikki said. "You'll have to settle for less."
"How much less?" Scorpion demanded.
"We're prepared to offer you fourteen dollars and seven cents of the City's money and I've thrown in an extra two bucks. Rook added a couple of soda cans that can be turned in for three cents apiece. "
"I told you what would happen if you tried to cheat me!" Scorpion screamed, pulling out an M79 grenade launcher. "Now I'm going to kill a white male American Pulitzer prize winning journalist."
"Anyone I know?" Rook asked, pulling out his notebook.
"It's you, you idiot, Rook!"
"Me? Why would anyone want to…" Rook stopped in horror as Scorpion tore off her mask. "Jacinda? But why?"
"I get a bit obsessive at times. I've been working on it with my shrink, but until we have a breakthrough, I'm just going to have to kill you for dumping me. So long, Rook."
However, Jacinda had been so obsessed with Rook, she hadn't noticed Nikki creeping up on her. Just as Jacinda was about to squeeze the trigger, Nikki pounced, kicking Jacinda between the legs.
"Oh god! My balls!" She dropped her weapon and fell to the ground, clutching her crotch.
"Your balls?" Nikki and Rook said together.
Nikki checked. "How long did you date him, Rook?"
"That's my second wife!" Rook cried.
Back at the station, Rook called his therapist and Nikki booked Jacinda. When they both were done, she got Rook a cup of coffee. "Hell of a night." She said.
"Hell of a night." He replied. "Can I ask you one thing?"
"About the case?'
He shook his head.
Nikki sighed. "Why don't you come back to my place and see if they're real?"
Kate laughed when she had read the story. "Dirty Nikki Heat? At least this time she wasn't a complete bimbo. But 44DD boobs?" She looked down at her own.
"Nikki is based on you. She isn't exactly like you." Castle explained.
"Why don't we go try to find out how much alike Nikki and I are?"