479. Chapter 479

After Poof, You're Dead

Episode 3.12

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: Follow the yellow brick road to where I don't own Castle. Rating: K Time: See above.

"Richard. Wake up. You need to go to work."

Richard Castle rolled away from the irritating voice and pulled his pillow over his head.

"Richard Castle, get up this instant." This was followed by a deluge of cold water on his head.

"Gina!" He yelled. "What are you doing?"

"I'm behaving like your manager. Queen Katherine has two new suitors for the position of Royal Consort. You know how cranky that makes her, so she wants her court jester and she wants him ten minutes ago. Now, get up! "

Castle stumbled out of his bed and reached for his parti-colored suit and hat. They were soaked. "Gina, did you have to…"

"And where's the new material you were writing?" Gina said, glaring at him. Gina could do an excellent glare, but nothing like Queen Katherine's glare. Richard Castle knew that from experience. The Queen's glares could, and had, stopped a dragon in its tracks and sent it fleeing for its mother.

"I didn't get it finished." He mumbled, pulling on the cold jester's suit.

"You were drinking with the guardsman and his leprechaun friend, weren't you?" Gina accused him.

Castle shrugged. "You told me to make friends with people in the palace, right? That's what I was doing."

Gina gave him her best glare. Castle mentally compared it to Queen Katherine's glare and decided that not only wouldn't Gina's glare stop a dragon in its tracks and send it screaming for the hills, but the dragon wouldn't do more that giggle before devouring Gina whole. "I meant important people, Richard. Someone like that nice Dr. Perlmutter, the Assistant Wizard. Or Sir Victoria of the Gates, who keeps the riff raff out of the palace. Not those two. They'll just get you in trouble. "

Castle thought about mentioning riff raff of the blonde variety who had made it inside the palace, but refrained. He was too tired to argue.

Pulling on his wet clothing and leaving Gina behind, he headed for the throne room. When he saw Guardsman Esposito of the Varangian Guard, he slowed down.

"You look the worse for wear, bro." Espo whispered.

Castle ignored the remark. "Who's here trying for Queen Katherine's hand in marriage this time?"

"No, Who's on first." Espo said with a grin.

"Don't try to out jester a professional jester, Espo. I taught you that one. Now, who's here for the job or Royal Consort?"

"Two knights. Sir Will of the Feebs, and Sir Tom of Rob Berry. A couple of stiffs if you ask me. You'd better get on down there, bro. The Queen expects you to provide a little fun at these things. The Goddess knows the suitors don't. "

"Who else is there?" Castle asked.

"Just her chief advisor, Lord Montgomery of Al Al Ah Mein. Which is good, since he kind of likes you."

"Unlike the Queen." Castle said morosely.

"I told you not to write that song about her. I mean she does have the Kingdom's most perfect ass, but a song? Really, bro?"

Castle grunted and headed for the throne room. He entered quietly, hoping Queen Katherine wouldn't notice him. He was disappointed.

"Aha! At long last my court jester is here. Where were you?"

Castle smiled. "I just flew in from El Lay, and boy are…"

"…my arms tired." Queen Kate finished for him. "I thought you were going to get some new material?" Queen Kate gave him a glare that made Castle wish that only a hungry dragon was angry with him.

"I lived in a neighborhood that was so tough…"

"That people carried gnawed off crossbows." The Queen finished.

"Speaking of crossbows, last night I shot a dragon in my pajamas…."

"How he got them on, I'll never know." Queen Kate finished for him, "Don't try any more. Just come and sit in your chair by my throne. I have important work to do."

Castle sat in his tiny chair by the throne. From there he could see Queen Katherine's flawless cheekbones, her hazel eyes and her chestnut colored hair. He sighed. Queen Kate is extraordinary.

Sir Will, dressed in the dark blue armor of the Feebs, was continuing the tales of his bravery. "And so I slew the dragon, but the little child it had stolen had been eaten. I call that a win." He finished proudly.

"Unless you're the little child." Castle muttered.

Sir Will's hand went to his sword, but the movement of the guards toward him stilled him. Sir Will contented himself with glaring at the court jester. Castle rated the glare at "Won't slow down a dragon."

"A most adequate story." Said Sir Tom. He then launched into a long narrative about a wealthy merchant who had been killed by two separate dragons and how he had tracked down both of them and slain them.

"Very interesting." Queen Katherine said. "But to be my husband, you'll need to be smart as well as brave." She held up a book of paper matches. "Which of you can stand one of these matches up so that the match head points to the ceiling, with nothing else supporting it?"

Both Sir Will and Sir Tom began pulling matches out and attempting to stand them up. One match after the other fell over. Finally Sir Will cried, "T'is impossible. It would require great sorcery to accomplish such a feat." Sir Tom agreed.

"So, no one here can pass my simple little test?" The Queen said, smiling.

"I can." Castle said.

"You, jester?" The Queen said, disbelief clear in her eyes.

"Me." Castle took a paper match, pulled the paper matchstick apart until there were two little legs below the match head and stood the match so that the match head pointed straight up. "Nothing to it."

Queen Kate nodded to Sir Will and Sir Tom. "I'm afraid that you knights have failed my test. But, as a consolation prize, you will each receive a scroll of Castle the Jester's Greatest Hits."

"Does that include the song about the royal bottom?" Asked Sir Tom.

Sir Tom was only burned a little bit from his armor melting under the force of Queen Katherine's glare and Sir Will helped him out.

A page approached the Queen. "Another suitor approaches, Your Hotness. T'is Josh of the Flying Carpet, a great and wondrous magician."

"Josh the Magician, at your service, Your Hotness." Tall, handsome Josh bowed deeply to Queen Katherine from his flying carpet. Castle hated him at once.

Josh immediately began extolling his virtues as a member of Sorcerers Without Borders, describing the curses he'd lifted, witches that he'd turned into productive members of society, and demons he'd exorcised from young girls, complete with a really gross out description of projectile vomiting of some kind of green slime.

Castle was afraid he'd attracted the Queens attention. He hated the magician even more.

However, Queen Katherine was made of sterner stuff. She would not accept a consort that couldn't help protect her realm from William, the Troll of the Bracken, whose minions even now were gathering near her borders.

"Sorcery is all well and good, but I need a man to stand beside me who can fight, without sorcery. I propose a test. Pick one of my court and we'll have an archery contest."

"Him!" Cried Josh, pointing at Castle.

"You wish to shoot against my court jester?"

Josh nodded.

"Very well. Set up the targets and bring two bows and twenty arrows."

Castle tried not to show his elation. Before working the Palace, he'd had a gig at the Sherwood Forest Lounge and Casino. He'd learned to shoot a bow there in self-defense. The hecklers in that joint were murder.

The Queen explained the rules. "Each of you has ten arrows. The smallest ring on the target is worth ten points. Therefore, whoever comes closest to one hundred points wins."

At the Queen's word, Castle quickly fired all ten of his arrows into the ten ring. Josh only hit the target four times. Josh mounted his flying carpet and flew off in a rage.

The Queen looked over at Castle. "Would you like to get some comfort food with me, Castle?"

Castle hurried after her.