348. Chapter 348

AU After to Love and Die in LA

Episode 3.22

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: I lived in LA, haven't died there, and don't own Castle anywhere. Rating: M Time: See above

For just a moment Kate Beckett was disoriented. Where am I? I'm naked. I don't sleep in the nude. Then she remembered. She was in bed with Castle. She moved her head slightly and saw him peacefully sleeping beside her. At last. She thought. It wasn't as scary as I had thought it might be. But the hard part is still ahead of us. She smiled to herself. No. The hard part was last night. And it was very hard.

Her thoughts drifted back to last night. As usual, when things had seemed about to get serious with Castle, she had run. But she had stopped. She hadn't even closed the door when she turned around and walked back into the living room of their suite. Castle had stood up and taken the first step towards his bedroom. He had stopped and looked at her when she came back out. "Beckett?"

I don't know how to do this. She had thought. I want to and I'm afraid of it at the same time. I have to say or do something. We can't just stand here on opposite sides of the room all night. Kate knew she had to do something. I've always made Castle wait for me. I have to be the one to do something, but what? I want to run back in my room, close the door and hide. I can't do that. I can't do that to him. I can't do that to myself. I can't do that to us, not if I ever want there to be an us. And I want an us. I do.

Her feet seemingly moved of their own volition. She found herself standing next to Castle, looking up into his blue eyes. She saw the concern in his eyes. He's worried about me. He's always been worried about me and he's always been there for me. Distract a killer so I can get a shot off. Rush into my burning apartment. Take down a professional killer with no weapon but his fists. I have to be there for him now. It's my turn. It's been my turn for so long but I put it off.

"I don't know how to do this." She said. Crap. That is so stupid. I don't know what I meant. How is he supposed to know?

"Okay. We do it just like we do back in New York. We have leads and…"

"No!" Damn it! That came out stronger than I meant.

Castle took a step backwards.

No! Now he thinks I'm mad at him or something. Kate took a step towards him. To make sure he didn't move away again, she grabbed his shirt. Start at the beginning. Explain everything. Make him understand. Start at the beginning. "I fell apart when my mom was murdered. My dad retreated into a bottle. I retreated into the NYPD. I became a cop and that's all I ever wanted to be or ever let myself be. One thing that I decided was that I would never again go through pain that I felt when I lost my mom. Never."

"I know what you went through after your mom died." Castle said, very gently.

"And I know what you went through." She replied.

Castle didn't understand that. I didn't even know her mom. How could I have gone through anything because of her death?

"When I start to feel something for someone…" Kate was almost unable to continue. "When I start to be attracted to someone, I sabotage the relationship. I let them in for a bit, then I push them away. Then I let them in again, and then I push them away again. And so it goes. Let them in. Push them away. Eventually, they go away. And I don't have any fear of having my heart broken because someone I care for leaves me. I never allow anyone to get close enough to me to really feel anything for them. So, when they leave, I feel nothing."

Kate stopped and Rick felt he had to say something. "That must leave you very…lonely."

Kate laughed bitterly. "Yeah. For the longest time my social life consisted of reading some mystery novelist's books. You can't get too much lonelier than that."

"I guess that depends on the writer and the books." Castle smiled when he said that.

"Definitely." Kate leaned into Rick's chest. "But there's this one writer. And his books. No matter what I do he won't go away. I don't know what's wrong with him."

"Maybe he's figured out that you're remarkable."

She put her arms around him. Very gently, he put one hand in the small of her back. "He's been around so long now that I've gotten used to him being there. In fact…I don't know if I could handle it if he left. The pain would be too much. That shouldn't have happened, but it did."

"He'll just have to see to it that he doesn't leave. He wouldn't want to leave a remarkable woman, after all. He'll want her…always."

"But I'll screw things up. I always do. I hate it, but I do. And I'm so afraid of losing him."

"Have you ever thought that he's every bit as afraid of losing her?"

"Really?"

"He may have screwed up his life, too. Marriages to the wrong women. Meaningless relationships. He could have gotten pretty lonely, too."

"You could be right." Kate ran her hand up and down his back. "I need to let him know that I want more than a partner. More than a friend. I need a lover. And I need always as well."

"I'll bet he wants always as well."

"And a lover?" Kate took his hand and placed it on her left boob, moving the hand around in circles, arousing her.

"He needs a lover as well."

Kate removed her hand and Castle kept stroking her breast. Kate began unbuttoning her blouse, then pushed the cup of her bra up, giving him full access to one breast. As he bent to suck on her nipple, she reached behind her to unhook her bra. The bra and her blouse fell to the floor. She pulled bus head up and kissed him, pushing her tongue into his mouth. "Your room." She whispered.

He took off his shirt as they walked to his room. He undid her pants, sat her on the bed and pulled them down and off. She pushed her panties down. He quickly stripped and joined her on the bed.

"You are unbelievably beautiful."

She smiled. "Not hot?" She teased.

"More than hot. So much more."

He went back to kissing and sucking on her boobs while one hand ran down her stomach to her slit. "You're wet."

"And you're hard. Does that suggest anything?"

He pushed two fingers into her and began moving them in and out, making her wetter and wetter. She grasped his erection and stroked it, more intently with each stroke.

"Now." They said together and laughed.

She rolled on top of him. "Let me do the work. I've been letting you do all the work for too long." She grasped him and gently took him inside of her. She began to move up and down, very slowly.

"Bend down." He said, taking a boob in each hand and pulling her slowly down. He rolled her nipples between his thumb and forefinger, watching them grow tauter and tauter.

"I won't last long like thus. I've waited too long."

"Me too." She said. "But I won't make you wait ever again." She picked up her pace, knowing he was close and so was she. She felt him come inside of her and moments after, her own orgasm hit. She collapsed on him.

A she lay on top of him, he stroked her hair and face with one hand, kissing her softly and stroking her ass with the other.

"I think I may have solved my problem." She said, laughing.

"Okay, but remember one thing in the future."

"What?"

"Always."