345. Chapter 345

After Slice of Death

Episode 3.20

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: Is it noir in here, or is it that I just don't own Castle? Rating: K+. Time: See above.

Kate leaned over her husband's shoulder and nuzzled his ear. "What are you doing?"

"Writing."

"Writing what?"

"Just an idea I had on an old case of ours."

Kate frowned. "You mean the kind of thing you write about when you can't decide what to do next on the real Nikki Heat you're writing and just have to write something silly that infuriates me until the creative juices start to flow?"

"No. I wouldn't put it exactly that way." He said very carefully.

"How would you put it?" She said softly.

"I'd say that I write silly things that remind me of just how much I love you until the creative juices start to flow."

"By, how much you love me, does that mean making Nikki look and sound like a bimbo with big boobs who can't think of anything but sex with Jameson Rook?" Kate's voice was still soft.

"Not at all."

"Really?" Her voice as a bit louder.

"Okay, maybe Nikki is just a bit…sexually adventurous."

"You mean slutty."

"No. Not at all."

"Okay. Let me read it."

Castle started to close the laptop, but was too slow. Kate grabbed it. "Remember, one man's sexually adventurous is…"

"My definition of slutty." Kate finished.

Moscow Heat

By

Richard Castle

Jameson Rook strode down the mean streets of Moscow, his arm around his beautiful and brilliant lover, Detective Nikki Heat. Nikki's gorgeous body was on display in a skin tight Lycra suit that accented her long, sleek, well muscled legs, her perfect ass and her perky, firm, D cup boobs. Nikki rested her head on his manly chest as he led her through the streets leading to the Kremlin that he knew so well. Rook inhaled the scent of cherries that clung to her long, curly chestnut hair. He loved Nikki more than anything. Although he knew that Nikki had fallen in love with him at once, it had taken him longer to decide that he was in love with the lovely detective.

"Well, well." Said a cold, Russian accented voice. "Jameson Rook. Once again sticking his American nose where it isn't wanted. You should stick to keeping your nose between your lady friend's legs. It would be more healthful. But I'd be happy to show her what a real man is like, if you're unable to perform so simple an act."

Nikki bridled at the suggestion. "Rook is all man, and like no man I've ever met." She said, pressing her firm, warm body against Rook as if ready to prove her words there and then. She could feel her nipples becoming taut and there was a heat and wetness between her legs. But that was always the case when she was with Rook.

"Be careful, Volkov. I wouldn't want to get you in trouble with your boss."

Volkov smiled coldly. "I don't think I'll be in trouble with President Putin. After all, I wasn't the one who seduced all three of his mistresses." Volkov removed a small photo album from his jacket and showed the photos to Rook and Nikki. Tears sprung to Nikki's eyes. There was her Rook with three gorgeous Russian women, having sex with all three.

Rook laughed. "My pal Vlad asked me to do that. He needed some points on how to satisfy a lady. See, I have my own photos." Rook held out his phone, to show him sitting with the three Russian ladies and Vladimir Putin. "Now the girls call him Vlad the Impaler." He glanced down at Nikki. "This was before I ever met Nikki, of course."

"Curses, foiled again." Volkov muttered. He reached for his pistol, but Rook was too fast for him. He grabbed Volkov's ear and pinched it. Volkov was paralyzed.

"When I was in the monastery in Tibet, learning the ways of love, I also learned the art of ear fu. With just a slight twist, I could stop your heart, Volkov. But, you're hardly worth it." He released Volkov who fell to the ground. Rook leaned over him. "Don't worry. You'll be all right in a week or so. Except for being unable to have an erection. And remember, I could have done worse. If you don't believe me, just ask Kim Jong Un. He used to be six feet six inches. Tall, that is."

Rook and Nikki walked away from the paralyzed Russian FSB agent. "Jameson, you've never used any Tibetan love secrets on me." Nikki said sadly.

"Of course I do. The secret is that I love you. It's simple, like all of Buddhist philosophy, a subject on which I am an expert. Just ask the Dalai Lama." Rook kissed Nikki softly. "Tell you what. After I've saved western civilization again, we'll go back to the hotel." Rook laughed. "And all I did to help Vladimir was to suggest he take off his pants first."

"You're magnificent." Nikki said.

"I think I'm going to throw up." Kate said. "Ear fu? Three women at once? Rook told him to take his pants off? And worst of all, D cup boobs?"

"That was a typo. Your boobs are perfect. Really, Kate. Absolutely perfect."

"I think I need to give you a bit of help on this." Kate started to type on the laptop.

Caucasus Heat

By

Kate Castle

Nikki Heat strode confidently through the bombed out, rubble strewn streets of Grozny. A shadow slipped out of the shadows behind her, poised to strike. Her years of martial arts training kicked in and she disarmed her opponent and threw him to the ground. She sighed when she saw who her assailant was. "Rook? What are you doing here? I told you to stay in the hotel. It's not safe out here."

Rook sniveled. He had bruised his finger when Nikki had knocked the wine bottle from his hand. "You hurt my finger." He said, beginning to cry.

"Do you want me to kiss it and make it better?"

Rook held out his hand. Nikki kissed his injured finger tenderly. "All better?" She asked.

"All better." He confirmed.

"Now tell me why you left the hotel."

"The room service is awful. They don't have any US beers and there's no cable TV. All I could get was a chess match. The sheets on my bed are scratchy and I forgot my blankie." Silent tears ran down Rook's face.

"I told you we'd have to rough it here in Chechnya."

"You didn't say it would be this rough." Rook whined.

"You could have stayed in Moscow."

"The maid in the hotel wasn't nice to me. She touched me."

"She just helped you up after you tried to hide under the bed when you saw that spider."

Suddenly, a rusted Lada pulled up. "Nikki Heat?" Asked a swarthy, heavily mustachioed man who covered the two with an AK 74. "Get in. Bring…Whatever that is with you."

"I get carsick." Rook complained.

"You can ride by the window." Nikki said soothingly.

After hours of driving through snow covered mountains, they stopped at a small clearing among the trees. Silently dozens of heavily armed men filed into the clearing.

"You are Nikki Heat?" Asked a heavily bearded stalwart.

"The same. And you are…?"

"I am Ali Abu Mukhammad, the commander of the Caucasus Emirate. I lead the jihadists in the Caucasus."

"I've heard of you." Nikki said quietly.

Rook confirmed that he too had heard of Ali Abu Mukhammad by losing control of his bladder.

"You are as beautiful as you are brilliant and brave." Ali Abu said. "And your breasts are B cups? According to the Prophet, that is the perfect size for breasts."

"God willing." Nikki replied.

"I have read your fatwa stating that violence is not Islamic." Ali Abu said.

"And?" Nikki replied.

"We've converted to Catholicism. Can you get us to the US? We'd like to become citizens."

"I know a guy." Nikki said. "Come with me." She turned to Rook. "You too. I'll buy you some ice cream."

Rick read his wife's story. "Kate, that's…that's…"

"More entertaining than yours. Why are you writing about this anyway?"

"Do you remember the murder of Gordon Burns, the reporter?"

"Sure, but how is that connected to Nikki Heat?"

"Burns was what Rook is supposed to be. He really went to Chechnya and the Iraq war and the Balkans and faced snipers and everything else. I've tried to get an idea from research as to what being a real war correspondent is like, but nothing seems right. I keep trying but Rook just doesn't come off to me as a real war correspondent. I get discouraged."

Kate slipped onto Rick's lap. "Do you know how many copies of the Nikki Heat books have been sold?"

"Not the exact numbers. Lots. Millions?"

"And everyone who bought those books thought Rook was exactly what a war correspondent was like. And what does Rook do now?"

"He shadows the most beautiful, smartest, most dedicated, toughest, and best fictional detective on the planet. Who still isn't as good as you are in reality."

"And as that detective I'm telling you this: You do a great job of portraying Rook the crime reporter, partner of Nikki Heat, and her lover as well."

"Really?"

"Really." She said, kissing him. "Now, I have an idea for getting those creative juices flowing." She took his hand and led him towards the bedroom.

"God willing." He muttered.