333. Chapter 333

After Private Eye Caramba

Episode 7.12

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: No poseo Castle. Rating: M, for language Time: See above.

I had spent the day trudging through the concrete canyons of Manhattan until the soles of my brogans had been worn as thin as my bank account. As I finally entered my office, I smiled to see my two best friends waiting for me. Jim Beam and Jack Daniels were waiting for me as usual. I smiled and poured myself a shot. The warmth of the whiskey was just hitting my stomach when she walked into my life.

She was a beauty, with legs that went all the way up to there. She had the kind of a body that men wrote dirty limericks about and topped it with the face of an angel surrounded by a halo of chestnut curls. Perfect cheekbones matched a smile that could have warmed the dead up, and I saw hazel eyes that a man could lose himself in for an eternity. Her clothes hadn't come off the rack and J.C. Penney's and I guessed that the strand of pearls around her neck was worth more than my old heap parked outside. I knew perfection when I saw it.

"Mr. Castle?" She said in slightly accented English. "The private investigator?"

I nodded, and rose to greet her. "The same. Miss…?"

"Catarina del Beckett." She said.

I frowned. "The Catarina del Beckett? The society dame?" What was a broad like her doing looking for a low rent PI?

"The same." She replied. "But I'm usually not called a…dame? That was the word you used?"

"Sorry, Miss del Beckett. I'm not used to dealing with the upper crust of Manhattan." The del Becketts were the upper crust of the upper crust. Oh, sure, old Armando del Beckett had gotten his start running rum into Florida from his native Cuba during Prohibition, but that was a long time ago and the del Beckett billions made a lot of people forget the past. "What can I do for you?"

"I need help finding my pussy." She said.

I nodded. "I think I'm up for that."

"I have a picture of my pussy." She reached into her purse and handed me a photo. "That's Josh."

"Your pussy has a name?" I asked. Then I looked at the photo and it all became clear.

"Your pussy is a cat." I said. "Josh is a pussy?"

"Everyone knows Josh is a pussy." She said. "And he's been catnapped. I received this not an hour ago."

She handed me her phone and started the message. It showed her pussy sitting next to a nasty looking Doberman. Then I heard the message. The voice had obviously been altered. "Don't call the police or go to a private eye, especially not Richard Castle. If you do, your pussy will be torn apart. We'll contact you later about the ransom." The message ended.

Before I could say anything, some jamoke came through my door. "Catarina, my love! What are you doing with this man? You know your heart is mine!"

Catarina rolled her eyes. "Tomas! Please. In the third grade I gave you a Valentine's Day card. It meant nothing. I am not in love with you."

"Who is this bird?" I asked.

"Tomas de Ming, also known as Ming the Moral-less. He is bothering me. He has been since that awful day in third grade when I… made a terrible mistake."

"Okay, bozo. Hit the road. Me and Miss del Beckett have business."

"No!" He screamed, and threw a haymaker at me. He missed by a mile and collapsed on the floor. My nostrils were assailed by a familiar odor.

"Did he…?" I asked, not sure how to bring this up in front of such a refined lady.

"He has a very low tolerance of pain. When his is hurt, he loses control of his bladder." Catarina told me.

"And his bowels." I added. "Scram, buster. And try not to dribble too much on my floor."

Once he had left, Miss del Beckett spoke. "What do we do?"

"We go see the police."

The 12th Precinct hadn't changed much since I had last been there. I went straight to the captain's office and walked in. "Hi, Vicky."

Captain Victoria Gates jumped up from her desk and threw herself at me. Her arms wrapped around me and her lips searched for mine. "Thank god you've come back to me. I can't live without you, Castle."

I pushed her away. "You'll have to, sweetheart. You know that what we had was just a one time thing. You know me, love 'em and leave 'em Castle."

Vicky broke down in tears. "You can run the precinct. Just come back to me."

"I'll just go see Ellis and get her to do something for me, okay?"

I could still hear poor Vicki sobbing when I got to Tory Ellis' office. She smiled at me and started taking off her clothes. "I knew you'd get around to me sooner or later." She said.

"I have a client." I pointed to Miss del Beckett. "I need this phone call scrubbed. "

"No civilians!" Ellis barked, continuing to shed her clothes. "Only NYPD personnel and private eyes." She shoved Miss del Beckett out of her office and pulled the blinds down.

I came back out a half an hour later.

"Did you get anything?" Miss del Beckett asked.

"Unlikely. She was a virgin." I said thoughtlessly. "Um, I mean she was no help. But I know a guy."

As I walked out, I was stopped by two detectives. "How are you boys doing?" I asked.

"Fine." Esposito said. "We were wondering if you could join us at the Knicks game. Floor seats. You can drive. We'll let you use the siren and lights and everything. Drive on the sidewalk if you like.'

"It's our anniversary, but we'd really like it if you came with us." Ryan said.

I searched my mind. "I wasn't aware we had any sort of anniversary, Ryan."

The Irish detective blushed. "Our wedding anniversary. Jenny and me."

I smiled at the thought of Gyrating Jenny.

"We'd both like to thank you for your help on that little problem I was having. We're pregnant now."

I nodded. "Glad to help you. Although, it wasn't much. Once you told me that Jenny didn't like the taste, I knew what the problem was. And, I'd like to go, but I'm on a case. I'm looking for her pussy."

Ryan and Esposito looked at Miss del Beckett and nodded. "If anyone can do that, it's Rick Castle."

The sounds of Vicki's sobbing was getting on my nerves, so we left quickly.

"Where to now?" Miss del Beckett asked.

"To see Doctor Perlmutter."

Perlmutters office smelled of urine, feces and disinfectant. When we walked in he had his hand up the butt of one of his patients.

"Are you busy?" I asked.

Perlmutter smiled at me. "Rick! So good to see you again. No, I was just de-worming this poodle. I always have time for you. What do you need?"

I handed Perlmutter the phone and asked him what he could tell us about the Doberman. I made a mental note to tell Miss del Beckett to have it sterilized before she touched it again. Perlmutter went to a bookshelf and got down a thick reference book. "Aha!" he exulted. "Just as I thought. The ears were a dead giveaway. This is a Southern California breed of Doberman. There are only two on the entire East Coast. I can give you the address of the owners."

"That'd be jake." I said.

"Drop by sometime. I'll put some hot dogs on the barbecue." I looked around and politely declined Perlmutter's offer.

Perlmutter was kind enough to run the phone through the autoclave before we left, so we headed for the first name on the list.

I walked into her office to find Ms. Gina Cowan dressed all in skimpy black leather, soundly spanking a redheaded woman. "You've been a bad girl, Meredith." She said, using her whip.

"Ms. Cowan?" I asked.

"Yes. What do you want?"

"Ms. Cowan of Black Prawn Publishing?" I asked. This wasn't what I had expected.

"I started Black Prawn to publish Cajun cook books. But, things didn't work out that way. I used the hatred I've always had for men to expand our line of books." She was breathing heavily. Then suddenly she started to undress. "But I've never met a man like you before. Take me. Here! Now!"

"Do you have a Doberman?" I asked.

"I like the way you think." She said, now naked. "Rover! Here boy." At her call, a grossly obese Doberman waddled out to greet us.

"Sorry, wrong Doberman." I grabbed Miss del Beckett and left hurriedly, with Ms. Cowan shrieking in the background.

"Only one more name. A Mr. U. N. Owen. Somehow, I think the name is a phony. But we should check it out."

We pulled up in front of a brownstone facing Central Park. Not the sort of digs I was used to. But I had a client and a job to do. I'd find Miss del Beckett's pussy if it was the last thing I ever did.

I knocked on the door. I heard footsteps coming and braced myself. The door opened and a familiar face greeted us.

"Tomas!" Miss del Beckett screamed. "It was you? How could you?"

Tomas pulled out a gat and waved it around. "If I can't have you…." He began.

I punched him in the gut and he folded like a cheap accordion. I grabbed his heater and bitch slapped him across the face. My mistake. He lost control of his bowels and bladder again.

"Where's Miss del Beckett's pussy?" I demanded.

"If you can't find it, I'm not going to help you." He said defiantly.

"We'll find her pussy without your help. "I snarled. We went inside the house. We searched the ground floor and the second floor without finding anything. "It's got to be in the basement." I said.

"I hate to think of my pussy in a dark, wet and humid place." Miss del Beckett said.

What can I say? The dame not only had moxie, but when she was right, she was right.

I kicked open the door to the basement and went down the stairs with Miss del Beckett right behind me. At the bottom a voice called to us.

"That's far enough. One more step and Catarina's pussy will never see the light of day."

"Josh!" Miss del Beckett screamed. "You have done this terrible thing? How could you?"

I was confused. "Your pussy arranged to be kidnapped? Um, catnapped?"

"No! That is Josh, who illegally calls himself a del Becektt. He tried for years to claim he was the illegitimate offspring of my father and one of the maids on our estate. But DNA proved he is not a del Beckett."

"I will be rich!" Josh said coldly. "One step and I'll tear your pussy up. I want one million dollars and I want it…"

Josh screamed as a brown and black blur leaped and grabbed his throat. The Doberman tore his throat out in less time than it takes to tell. Them the dog picked up the pussy gently in his mouth and carried it over to us. When the dog put Josh down, the pussy licked the dogs face.

"Your pussy likes dogs." I said.

"Not necessarily." Miss del Beckett said. She put her arms around ne and leaned against my chest. "I think we should return to my apartment." She said huskily.

"Miss del Beckett, I've always been a guy who said he'd never be tied down to one woman. But the minute you walked into my office, I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you."

"I felt the same way." She said, just before our lips touched.

"I'll even look for your pussy." I said when we broke the kiss.

"I'm sure you'll find it."