300. Chapter 300

After Last Action Hero

Episode 7.09

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: I don't own Castle, but I'll be back. Rating: K+ Time: See above.

Author's note: Three hundred chapters? I'm having trouble believing it.

Another Author's note: One of my readers says my updates of the After…stories are no longer showing up on the main board. Anyone else having this problem? Yea or nay?

Kate leaned over her husband's back and kissed his cheek. "Writing more Nikki Heat?' She asked softly.

Castle suddenly turned the laptop away from her. "No. Just fooling around. Mental doodling, so to speak. Nothing to interest you."

That was absolutely the wrong thing to say to his wife. "Oh?" She said, moving around, sitting on his lap and pulling the laptop over so she could read what he had written. "An action movie?" She asked.

"Just a few ideas. You might think of it as an homage to Lance DeLorca."

"Or an homage to your boyhood fantasies?" Kate began reading.

Rock Hardbody slipped through the dense rainforest with the ease of a panther. He was, after all the most deadly predator in the jungle. He smiled coldly as he saw the camp of the drug lord and his men ahead of him.

"Rock Hardbody?" Kate said, suppressing a smile. "Really?"

"It's a rough draft. Just to get a few ideas down."

"And drug dealers in the South American rainforest? Isn't that a bit…dated?"

Castle's fingers flew over the keyboard.

Rock Hardbody slipped over the floor of the African desert like a ghost. He had, after all, sent many men to their afterlife. He smiled coldly as he saw the camp of the jihadists ahead of him. Slipping silently over a sand dune, his eyes widened in shock at the sight he beheld. There, straining against her bonds was the lovely Jasmine Flowers. Rock's fists clenched in restrained fury as he saw the beautiful reporter's ripe, full breasts strain against her D cup bra as she writhed in…."

"Ripe, full breasts?" Beckett said coldly. "And a D cup?"

Castle erased the last sentence and re-wrote it.

Rock's fists clenched in restrained fury as he saw the gentle swell of beautiful reporter's pert, wonderfully firm breasts strain against her bonds. He swore that the men that had done this to her would suffer. He would see them in Hell before breakfast.

"Couldn't he say something like, "Smoke me a kipper. I'll be back for breakfast?" Kate asked.

"He could call them smegheads, but he won't. Nor does he have a cunning plan." Castle kept typing.

Rock carefully scanned the jihadists before him. There were only twelve and he still had thirteen rounds in his M9A1 pistol with a Picatinny rail holding a diode pumped solid state laser sight. He ran his hand over the custom hand-laid Kevlar pistol grip. Then he checked his Emerson Kandahar knife, made for him personally by Ernest Emerson. He had everything he needed.

"Do we need to go into such detail on his weapons? Can't you just say he has a pistol and a knife?"

"Kate! Every action hero aficionado wants to know all about the weapons used. In Predators, Adrien Brody's character carried an AA-12 automatic shotgun with a Surefire M900 weapon light foregrip, and a customized Colt M 1911A1 pistol with Novak sights, a beavertail grip safety and a combat hammer. Alice Braga's character, the sniper, carries a…"

Kate gave up. "You know best, I'm sure."

Castle returned to typing.

Rock scanned the jihadists, who were gathered around a fire, making coffee. He instantly saw that two of the jihadists were well known to him. One was Mohammed al-Demming. Al-Demming, perhaps not the sharpest knife in the drawer, was holding his hand over the fire, palm up with the coffee pot on his hand. He saw that the terrorists were using al-Demming's tongue to make s'mores and al-Demming was using his penis to stir boiling goat stew. Rock knew that al-Demming's brain would not be capable of registering that pain for at least another month.

The other jihadist he recognized made his blood run cold. At last he had found Al Hadji Josh, the most despicable terrorist on the planet. In addition to the countless deaths he had caused, Al Hadji Josh had once patted Jasmine Flower's admittedly perfect ass. Rock had sworn he would pay for that. Rock nodded to himself. The terrorist known by the nom de guerre, One Pubic Hair, would pat no more perfect asses.

"This Jasmine has a perfect ass?" Kate wiggled her own perfect ass, arousing Rick. "Is this reporter based on anyone?"

"Of course." Rick managed to gasp. "George Will."

"George Will?" Kate questioned. "At least he knows baseball."

Rick went back to typing.

Rock gathered himself, composed two seventeen syllable haikus to commemorate the event and charged. The jihadists scrambled for their North Korean made AK 47s, but they were too late and too slow. Rock gunned them down with no more mercy than they had shown to the myriad women, children and goats they had abused.

When the gunsmoke cleared, Rock saw that Al Hadji Josh had managed to conceal himself behind the slender but erotic body of Jasmine Flowers.

"Throw down your weapon, unbeliever, or I will kill the woman." Al Hadji Josh snarled, threatening Jasmine with a Russian Tokarev TT 30 pistol. With his excellent eyesight, Rock could see that it was engraved, "To Al-Hadji Josh, from Vladimir." Unwillingly, Rock dropped his M9A1.

Al Hadji Josh stood and sneered. "Now, before you die, you will watch the lovely Jasmine…"

In the blink of an eye, Rock drew and threw his Emerson Kandahar knife into the terrorist's throat. As he died in a welter of blood, he heard Rock say, "Say hello to your friends in Hell for me."

Rock ran to Jasmine and tore her bonds from her slim but sexy body.

"Thank god you came for me, Rock. After lying to you after General Montgomery's funeral, I was sure I'd lost you forever."

"Lost me, Jasmine? You'll have me always. Besides, SEAL Team Six and Delta Force didn't think they could handle this. "

Jasmine suddenly shrieked. "One of them is still alive!"

Rock turned, faster than the eye could follow. "Oh. That's just al-Demming. He won't realize what's happening until next spring sometime. And I know he didn't do anything to you. He has an unfortunate affinity for camels. Male camels. Dead male camels. "

Being a good man, if a cold blooded killer, Rock moved al-Demming away from the fire and applied some salve to his burned hand. He decided against touching the other…utensils. Then he poured two cups of coffee. "Grande skim latte, two pumps of sugar free vanilla?" He asked, handing her a cup.

"You remembered." She said, blushing.

"How could I forget? That was after the first thirteen times we made love. The best hour and a half of my life." Suddenly, Rock's almost supernatural hearing caught the unmistakable thump of the rotors of a Kamov 52 helicopter gunship. Could it be….?"

Rock scanned the skies and saw the lean gunship approaching. Across its nose was an insignia well known to Rock and Jasmine: The golden dollar sign that was the personal marking of Erich von Vaughn, a cold blooded mercenary who had often tangled with Rock, to von Vaughn's sorrow.

Picking up his M9A1, Rock fired his last round at the approaching helicopter. It hit the canopy right between the eyes of von Vaughn. Alas, the bullet pinged off the bullet proof canopy. Von Vaughn laughed evilly. "Now I have you my pretty, and your little dog Toto."

Facing death, Jasmine did the only thing she could do, she pulled gown her skin tight shorts, revealing she had no panties on and pulled up her shirt to display her pert and perfect boobs. Von Vaughn sat frozen in the seat of his gunship at the sight before him. He could not tear his eyes away from the vision of female perfection before him. His last thought before he slammed into a sand dune as his helicopter exploded was, "Hot damn! That's prime…"

"Rock, I do love you." Jasmine said, throwing herself into his muscular arms.

"I love you, too, Jasmine."

"What do you think?" Rick asked.

"I kind of liked the last part, but it needs to be punched up a bit." Kate took the laptop away from Rick and began typing.

Suddenly, out of the Saharan night came three figures. Jasmine recognized them at once. Her eyes narrowed and she spoke softly to Rock. "I have to handle these three by myself.

Fast as lightening, the three attacked Jasmine, but she was even faster. She first hit Mer- Adith al-Sqanque such a blow that the desert was covered in silicone.

"My god! She's really not even an A cup." Rock cried as the woman ran into the desert.

Jasmine turned to Djina al Perox-Ide. Slamming her fist into the woman's stomach, she pulled down her pants to reveal that Djina had a piece of sexual equipment not usually found on women.

"She's a he." Screeched Rock as Djina ran for the hills.

Turning at last to Ja-Sinda, the woman wisely fled, leaving her blonde wig, push up padded bra and false teeth behind.

Jasmine smiled at Rock. "So how about trying to better the best hour and a half of our lives?"

"So, what do you think?" Kate asked.

"We need to work on the ending."

"Research?"

Castle nodded. "Research."

"In the bedroom?"

"In the bedroom."